almost gave up

Jun 9, 2014

I almost gave up today.


Emotional-wise, physical-wise, mental-wise, I was done.

Spiritual-wise not done, but there just wasn’t enough gas in the other areas to really make up the difference.

I felt myself letting go of the will to keep on trying.

And then I looked at Annesley. And then I looked at Fisher. And then I looked at Blythe. (I would have looked at Keziah, but she has started her nanny job for the summer so she wasn’t with us.) And I decided that for them I will keep on trying.

They have no idea how hard this is. They have no idea how much pain I am in. They simply need a mother who loves them and I am determined to be that mother.

I used to think the pain in my hip was bad and believe me it was. At the height of the labral tear pain I would moan and wince and cry and really could not imagine anything worse.

This probably isn’t worse…but it is longer. And it is more. One or both of my feet have been aching for nearly a year. My hip still hurts, not as intensely as at first, but everyday it cries out in agony of some kind or another. Since the May 2 fall, my shoulder, ribs, and neck have hurt. And on top of all that my gums, jaw, ears, teeth – basically my whole skull are in constant pain. Sometimes I think I will lose my mind.

Today was one of those days. I had an incredibly frustrating appointment with a different PT to get a 2nd opinion and it turned out terrible. He didn’t really understand the laxity issues or the severity of the vagus nerve situation and gave me all sorts of bad advice. I felt unsafe and unheard and more than a little unknown. Screaming would have been my (ineffective) solution, but my mouth won’t open wide enough for me to scream, so even that good old fallback is out for now.

Instead, I let Blythe drive us around town for a visit to the library, some 1/2 price slushies, and a few minutes play at the park. We listened to Igraine the Brave, one of our favorite audio books, and I tried to focus on just being with my children. Just being their mom. Not a patient. Not an in-pain person. Not a woman with big challenges facing her. Just. their. mom.

Man, I love those kiddos. They are worth whatever I have to do to get functioning again.

Tomorrow I see Jeremy and he will put my foot back together again and have some calming words to soothe my soul. Until then I will sip on the delicious roasted red pepper soup Sherry brought tonight and count my many blessings, name them one by one.

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  1. Liz

    You can cash in your chips or call in some favors— How about the highest level Priesthood blessing you can muster? How high can your contacts go in the Church — you need General Authority level attention. I know two high level people in Provo who would gladly give you a blessing if you could get down there. Your collagen is magic and healing… loves you. You already know how much Jesus loves you.

    • tracy

      Liz, I have missed your lovely comments! Thank you for sending me some warm fuzzies. I have received many priesthood blessings and am waiting to receive one at the hand of my Stake President. Almost always the answer is the same – God will heal me…when it has been enough. Hmmm, not the answer I love, but I am trying so hard to stay in a place of trust and faith.

  2. Liz

    Woman- you are a superhero. We are all praying for you.

    • tracy

      Superhero! Now that is hilarious! My husband is a superhero. Kat is a superhero. Jen is a superhero. Jess is a superhero. Sheri is a superhero. My mom is a superhero. I am the blessed one who gets to be rescued by the superheroes again and again.

  3. Mom

    Tracy, YOU are a super hero!