thankful thursdays 2/11

* A beautiful baby girl was welcomed into this world by my wonderful friends, Kari & Gary. She is adorable and perfect and sweet and a great nurser and a lovely spirit and she has kissable, chubby cheeks, and, and, and…yes, I am in love! I got to hold her very first day here on this earth and I love her, plain and simple, I love her.

Here she is with big sister Natalie:


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* Tami’s baby, Jace Leon, arrived safe and sound on the 2nd…still waiting on a picture of this cutie-pie (hint, hint!). She named him after our great-grandfather. I can’t wait to love on this baby when she comes to visit me in April!
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* Richard’s dad came and took all four children on a Grandpa Date last night. I didn’t even know what to do with myself! Instead of being productive and working on laundry, cleaning, or one of the thousands of things that actually needed doing, I stitched up a pillow that is turning out so stinkin’ cute! I think I may have a giveaway on here if I can get the whole thing finished up in the next couple of days. It is calling me right this minute…
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* I got to stay up late talking to one of my best friends. We laughed, shared stories, and caught up. I hardly ever get to see Miss Tina, so when we do get together we have to cram months of stuff into a short visit. This woman is more than my midwife – she is my friend and I can’t imagine my life without her. I can just see us as 90 year old ladies sitting in our rockers sharing stories and yummy food.
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* Liberty Girls starts today! Keziah is so excited! Her group is reading Little House in the Big Woods and they will get to have oodles of fun learning all about bread and butter making, bullet making, fiddling, sewing, and lots more. Their leader is simply amazing and I am so grateful she created this group that both Blythe and Keziah have had the privilege of being part of. It has been a large part of their education and the molding of their young souls. Thank you Becky!
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* My grandmother wrote poetry her whole life through and recorded some of her writings in books for her posterity. This week Keziah had a talk to give at church about “Jesus is Our Savior” and she forgot about it till the last minute (so did I, of course!). She couldn’t figure out what she wanted to do and was kind of falling apart over the whole thing. I finally gave up trying to help her and told her I knew she could give a wonderful talk if she just thought about it for a few minutes with a calm spirit. I continued getting children ready for church and then found her with my grandmother’s books searching for a poem to give. After reading several, she chose this one:

Fantasy

Sometimes I dream of a fantasy land
Where children are princes and kings
Where I am the captain of all of the band
With helmet and medals and things.

I visit the court of King Arthur of old
Brave knights and fair maidens to see
They sit at a table that’s round, I am told
Each voice to be heard equally.

I fly on a carpet o’er valley and hill
The magical place to see
Where the lamp of Aladdin can bring forth at will
The riches of old Araby.

With Robinson Crusoe I live on an isle
In the midst of the western sea
The beasts are our friends and they held all the while
As we build a house in a tree.

We sail on a raft down the river so wide
Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, and me
We search out a place for our treasure to hid
Oh, bold, fearless pirates are we.

I travel to Europe and Asia and more
As fantasies dance in my head
They all are familiar; I’ve seen them before
In the pages of books I have read

In the land of the Bible, I met someone there
Who was loving and kindly and wise
He said to love others, their burdens to bear
That we may to heaven arise.

He died on a cross for the sins of all men
Forgiveness to us to bring
I know that the Savior will come back again
In glory, to reign as King.

He’ll love little children, their ills he will heal
And take them upon His knee
And when that happens, it will be real
And not just fantasy.

~ Myrtle R. Smith~

Isn’t that beautiful? Keziah knows all of those stories, which is probably why she identified so strongly with this poem. I am so grateful my children really knew my grandma, well enough for Keziah to know she could open one of Grandma’s books and find something wonderful for her talk.

I miss her. Last night, Fisher was curled up in his blanket that she made for him and I said “Who made that blanket for you?” He responded “My Grandma GG” (a name Blythe gave her when she was very little and was confused by all the grandmas in her life – GG is for great-grandma) and then he continued “I miss her. I am wondering, when will she be resurrected? When will she come back so I can see her again?”

This wonderful woman embedded herself in the hearts of my children so deeply that a little five year old boy is missing her over a year after she died. He wants her to come back and read him more stories, talk about airplanes, and give him hugs. When he was little and didn’t let anyone hold him, he let her hold him. He always felt safe with her and gave her kisses long before he opened up to anyone else.

I miss her and want her back too.
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I can’t see the screen anymore through these tears, so I think I will get breakfast started…or should I steal a few minutes and go work on the pillow?

thankful thursdays 12/31

December 31. The last day of 2009. I can’t believe this year is over and we are going to greet 2010 tonight. I remember as a child thinking the year 2000 was sooooo far away. I was sure we would all be blown up by the warheads pointed at us by the Russians during the Cold War long before the millennium arrived.

And yet, here we are ten years later.

So much is different.

Computers, iPods, cell phones, talking cars, high-tech washing machines, ATMs, GPS systems, surgery done with lasers…out-patient style, You-tube, gender-neutral clothing, and so much more. It is a different world than when I was a child.

So much is the same.

The joy of snuggling up and reading as a family, the delight of sledding down a hill, the magic of Christmas that brings out the best in us, the desire of mothers to gather their families and feed them delicious food, the never-ending pile of laundry, the concern for loved ones, the goodness and generosity of humans, and the hopes for a better tomorrow. Human nature doesn’t change. The desires for love, peace, and harmony stay the same. The simple joys of togetherness, good food, and honest affection will never go out of style.

I have so much to be thankful for this day…and every day, really.

* Family. I am so thankful for my birth family, my husband’s family, and our family we are creating. Each of these learning environments have taught us much and have been the source of our greatest joys and happiness. I am grateful to have family to lean on, to rejoice with, to laugh with, to eat with, and to serve with. Families are God’s greatest invention, don’t you think?
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* A working body. I am so thankful to have legs to walk, run, jump, and balance, hands to prepare food, wipe away tears, sew a creation, hold a book, drive a car, and write a letter. A brain to think with (it does pretty well, most of the time), a strong back to carry heavy loads, arms to hold a baby, breasts to feed warm milk, a uterus that grows babies, eyes that see beauty, and ears that hear “I love you.” What a gift our bodies are!
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* Friends make all the difference. A good friend of mine who has had a year full of trials said to me “I can go through anything if people care.” Its true. A smile, a hug, a commiserating phone call, a dinner for those hectic days, an understanding heart, a face full of love, and tears shed together can make the difference between despair and hope, depression and joy. I have been blessed with amazing friends. They have loved and served and blessed and given and listened and hugged and given some more. They are a great blessing in my life and I want them each to know what a difference they have made in my life.
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* Pictures. It is so wonderful to be able to look at a photograph of the past and be taken right back to that moment. It is good for the soul. It helps us remember the love, the humor, the hard times, and the joy of the moments of our lives. It helps us go on, trusting there will be more of those moments to be caught on film (or in gigabytes!) in the future.
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* Brilliant minds. I am so thankful to be surrounded by heaps of books written by people who have dedicated themselves to studying and then sharing their findings with the rest of us so we can learn, grow, and understand. What a blessed day we live in where information is so readily available…now the hard part is discerning what is good and true and what is all a bunch of malarkey!

I gathered up all the unused items I have in my house from Deseret Book and returned them so I could get some things I really wanted. Thanks to coupons, discounts, and $100 in returned items, I was able to gather up a pile of fabulous finds. I cannot wait to spend my early morning hours devouring Change Your Questions, Change Your Life by Wendy Watson Nelson, The Hidden Christ by James Ferrell, Women of the Old Testament by Camille Fronk Olsen, Sacred Walls by Gerald Hansen, and Scripture Study for Latter-Day Saint Families: The Old Testament by Dennis Leavitt. What treasures! They are a gold mine of information that will enrich my mind and enlarge my heart.
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* My children. I have been blessed to bring four children into this world and they teach me every single day. They help me become a better person – to become who God wants me to be. They are each strong spirits who have great things to do in this life and I have been entrusted to help them on their journey. What an awesome responsibility motherhood is. I am so grateful to have this opportunity.
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* My husband. (He is not listed after my children because he is less important. He is MORE important, this is the order my heart is writing in and it has nothing to do with a hierarchy of importance!) He loves, serves, comforts, listens, laughs, encourages, comes to the rescue, holds, kisses and flat out adores me more than I ever imagined was possible. He teaches me what love is every single day. You know that song about being a diamond in the rough? Well, I am his diamond and I was – and am – very rough. He has loved me and slowly the rough spots are worn away. He sees who I can be and believes it so strongly that his vision has changed who I am.
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* My Savior who loves me, teaches me, comforts me, redeems me, and walks this journey of mortality by my side. It is impossible to express my love for Jesus Christ. I am thankful to know of Him and hope to become like Him as I learn to love, serve, and forgive in the way He would have me do.

Thank you each for being in my life. Thank you for your love, support, and encouragement.

Goodbye 2009 and hello 2010. Let’s hope it is a year full of faith, growth, friendship, service, and most all, love.

Love is the most powerful force in the world.

Let us make it true in 2010 by learning to love in God’s way.

kat

Kat is a miracle worker! Late last night she came up with a plan to save my project for my children. Actually, she and Keziah came up with it. Around midnight.

If you are wondering why Keziah had any part in this, it is because she and I are partners, co-conspirators really, on this gift. We are making deluxe pencil & notebook holders. Keziah is doing the notebooks and I am doing the holder.

Now, you are probably wondering what went wrong yesterday for me to fall apart in frustration. I will explain.

They were finished…they were beautiful. I was so stinkin’ proud of myself. Then, I put the pencils in and ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH came out of my mouth. The pencil pockets shrunk in one and a half inches and became a gathered, puffy, will-not-lay-flat, will-not-cover-the-notebook disaster.

Kat came up with several possible solutions and then we decided to basically start over with a whole new design…not encouraging given the fact that I am a sllllloooooowwwwwww seamstress, prone to making lots of mistakes and using my thread picker on an all too regular basis.

Finally, Keziah said, “why don’t we just make the notebooks smaller?” To which I replied, “what good will that do, it does not eliminate the puffy, gathered ugliness on the pencil side!”

But, that little comment of Keziah’s sent Kat’s brain into a whole new direction and she quickly spewed forth her new idea that would save everything. When she saw the look of utter incomprehension on my face she went back and explained it slowly and carefully as if I were five-years-old.

It helped. Maybe that is what I need… a sewing teacher that will treat me like I am five.

Now, I just need to carry out the revisions. I am dedicating several hours to this project this morning. Wish me luck. Actually I need more than luck, I need a little sewing angel to sit on my shoulder and guide me each step of the way.

Good thing Kat is just a phone call away.

Everyone needs a Kat.

Thank you friend – you are a gift to my life.

hallelujah!

The FedEx man just came with a package from our mortgage lender and good news was inside! They accepted our home modification agreement and our new loan will allow us to stay in our home. We have been in this process for months and have known that foreclosure was the next step our lender would take if they didn’t accept the modification. We have been preparing to leave our home, but haven’t known what we would do or where we would go. At first we assumed we wouldn’t be here for Christmas, but as the months have dragged on we started to hope that we would be.

And now…we get to stay forever!

We love it here.

I think this is why I just couldn’t get up the gumption to clean my room or office. Why put time into cleaning something that you’ll have to be leaving soon? Now cleaning will have new meaning.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for this with us. We are so grateful.

the fire

Today is December 12. Sixteen years ago our house caught on fire and we lost everything we owned…well, almost everything…more than a few miracles were worked that day.

We had been married for 8 weeks and lived in a single-wide trailer out in the country. The trailer had no heat because the furnace was broken and our landlord kept promising to fix it, but hadn’t done so yet. As December set it, we were quite cold in our house. There was a wood stove in the front room, but it didn’t seem safe to us because it had two ninety degree bends in the flue. We were at our house for very few hours each day – we were both working long hours and Richard was going to school, so it was really just the place we slept and showered.

Our home was SO cold. We left the milk out one night and it froze. We had to thaw the shampoo every morning by holding it under the warm water of the shower. I remember being soaking wet and running from the bathroom to the bedroom where we had a little space heater and about ten quilts on our bed. We would snuggle all night long to keep each other warm and then the next day we would do it all over again.

Each day the landlord would promise to fix the furnace. Each night, it was still not working and we were still freezing.

Richard had been working as a CNA at a nursing home. He had been scheduled for every Sunday and although health care providers often have to work on the Sabbath, he didn’t feel right about it. The day before he had talked to his employer about it and said he could no longer work on Sundays. He offered to work double shifts on other days or to do extra work, but he could no longer work on Sundays. They threatened him with firing, then when they saw he was not going to bend, they agreed because they didn’t want to lose him.

My routine on Sundays was to attend church services and then go home and curl up under the ten quilts on our bed. I couldn’t really be anywhere else in the house, so I just stayed in bed and read until I fell asleep and then I snoozed the day away. I was working all sorts of different shifts as a supervisor at a group home for developmentally disabled adults and I was always emotionally and physically exhausted by Sunday, so the reading didn’t last long and the sleeping did.

That Sunday I was thrilled that Richard was going to be home with me. We attended church services together and were asked to portray Mary and Joseph in our ward’s portrayal of the Christmas story. We went home after church and found a load of wood had been left by some kind soul. I begged Richard to start a fire in the wood stove so that when we returned home from play practice that night the house would be warm. I remember saying “I am so tired of being cold, just this once, can’t we have a warm house?!” He gave into my pleas and after the fire was started, we left for play practice and dinner with a family in our ward.

Hours later we heard a fire engine tearing through town. I knew, just knew, that it was headed to our house. We ran to our car and drove home and sure enough, our house was on fire. In the dark of the night the orange flames shot heavenwards and noble firefighters fought to quench them. I nearly collapsed in Richard’s arms as I watched all our beloved things burn, explode, and smolder before our eyes. We stood there holding each other, sobbing, and feeling vulnerable, alone, empty, and afraid.

I felt as though I had been violated. Completely opened up and desecrated. The feeling was so strong. I didn’t know what to do with these overwhelming feelings, but I turned to Richard and we held each other and watched the fire long into the wee hours of the morning.

As we went through the remains in the coming days, we found some tender mercies. Our garments were in the washer and had not burned. Richard’s missionary scriptures, journals, and photos were in a back room and were left unscathed. His gun was also untouched. Everything else was destroyed. All our wedding gifts, pictures, quilts made by grandmas, aunts, and friends, all my high school memories, my clothes, my shoe collection, my temple clothing, my scriptures, my books, a turkey in the freezer, everything…gone.

We also realized that had Richard not refused to work on Sundays, I would have been home, sound asleep, when the fire started and probably would have slept right through it. There was no fire alarm and I am a heavy sleeper. I easily could have died and even if I hadn’t, I would have had smoke damage and burns.

We slowly rebuilt our life with a lot of help from family, friends, neighbors, and strangers. I remember my father sending us a JCPenney gift card to go and get some new clothes. Do you have any idea how fast $500 can go when you have to buy every single thing, from underwear and socks to pants, coats, sweaters, shirts, and shoes? We would come home at night and find boxes of stuff that people wanted to share with us. Our family threw us a “fire shower” and friends sent money, quilts, and lots of love.

A humorous story…we received five toasters for our wedding…and we received five toasters after the fire. I guess that is seen as THE essential gift and no one wants you to be without one!

Looking back now, I am amazed at the experience. It was one of many that solidified our relationship as a couple and taught us to depend upon and trust one another. We had an incredibly rough first year, with the funeral of Richard’s favorite uncle and cousin, the fire, four moves, two surgeries, months of physical therapy, an incapacitated me with both arms in slings, an internship, several different jobs, and a struggling wife who had a really hard time trusting men and couldn’t figure out how to relax and just be happy with the gift of her wonderful husband. It is quite comical to think back on it now…so many huge trials all in the course of one year. Just one year…and it changed everything.

I am grateful for the fire…and for that year. We became a couple, instead of he and she. We loved and trusted and cried and raged and prayed and at the end of that year we were stronger, more “in love,” and more able to follow the plan our Father had for our family.

I hope we never have to go through a fire again, but I am grateful for the lessons learned and the love that grew out of ours.

hitting me over the head…with love

When I was a little girl, we went from being a two-income family managing a family grocery store and thus having plenty of food at all times, to being one-income family with a brother on a mission and there not being enough money to go around in the course of about 12 months. One day at church, my mother paid her tithing, and then came home and didn’t quite have all the ingredients she needed to make us dinner. As she went through her cupboards, she thought to herself, “if I only had eggs, I could make muffins and pancakes.” Just a few minutes later, a knock at the door sounded, and there was a man from our church with eggs in his hands. He told us that as he left church that day the spirit prompted him to go home and get some eggs to take to our family. That experience changed my life. I knew without a doubt that God knew exactly who we were, what we needed, and who He could prompt to help us.

Well, fast forward 20+ years. Once again, my life has been taken from a comfortable, plenty of money, plenty of food, plenty of clothes existence to having to count every single penny and there just not being enough of those pennies to make ends meet. Time and time again in the past two years we have been helped by those who are listening to God’s promptings. There have been so many miracles, so many times that people have brought us exactly what we needed…fresh fruit, gift cards to JCPenney so Richard could get new work clothes, gift cards to the grocery store, a load of food from the case lot sale, the perfect shoes for Fisher, a book we had been wanting, money for new tires, our family reunion fees paid, a tank of gas, a violin to borrow for Blythe, so many, many things. Well, this week, we experienced another one and I have to share because it is one of those moments like the egg story that I want to remember forever.

On Tuesday, I mailed out the pencil rolls. The total was $87 and after some donations people had made, I was out about $70. That night, while I was pulling out all our Christmas books and cleaning up the sewing machines, a loud knock sounded at our door. The children ran wildly to answer it and found no one there. Down on the sidewalk there was a big box of #10 cans of food! Apple slices that we are almost out of, soup mix that we love, and cocoa that is perfect for a chilly winter night. As we emptied the box with tears in our eyes, we noticed an envelope was inside as well. It had our names on the front and $70 inside. Seventy dollars! The exact amount I had paid for shipping the pencil rolls!

Simply amazing.

That morning, the children and I had read King Benjamin’s final speech in the Book of Mormon wherein he says:

I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you.

And now, in the first place, he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted unto him.

And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?

It couldn’t have been more perfect. I shared King Benjamin’s words with them again and then I explained to our children how the $70 was the exact amount of money we had spent shipping the pencil rolls…doing God’s work…and how He immediately paid us back. I explained that His blessings aren’t always as obvious as this, that sometimes when we are doing His will the blessings might be that our car keeps running, or we are protected from an accident, or our bodies stay healthy, or there is a spirit of love in our home, or a million other things that we may never notice, but that God is teaching us to trust Him right now and He is doing it by making it SO obvious that there is no possible way to doubt the reality of His care for us. He wants these things to be so impressed upon us that in the future when things aren’t as obvious we will remember these miracles and trust fully that our God loves us, blesses us, saves us, and knows us. He is not some impersonal being that rules the universe from afar. He is a father that yearns for us to give our hearts to Him.

It is like He is hitting me over the head (with love of course)!

To whomever listened to the prompting to bring us food and money this week, thank you. We are praying that God will bless you a hundred fold for your kindness.

thankful thursdays 11/26

Thankful Thursdays on Thanksgiving? What a perfect combination!

* Today is my little Annesley’s birthday!! I am so thankful for her and the love she brings into our home. I already wrote all about her in her birthday post, so I won’t repeat it here, but just know, she is a delight to us all!
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* The majority of my family is here! Here at my house! This has never happened before and I am thrilled they decided to come and celebrate Thanksgiving and Annesley’s birthday with us! Thank you for coming Uncle Scott, Andie, Uncle Stephen, Grandma Dorothy and Grandpa Leonard!
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* I am thankful for my health. I learned about a friends’ son-in-law who has been sick for four years with a variety of undiagnosable problems. He has splitting headaches (so severe that they caused his retina to detach this week), he requires daily IV treatments, he has been to SLC, The Moran Clinic, The Mayo Clinic and specialists in California for hundreds of appointments and no one knows what is wrong with him. Meanwhile he is in so much pain that he cannot work or participate in many activities with his family,
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* I am thankful for good friends who bless my life every single day. Just yesterday we had a Turkey Bowl (flag football game) in the snow and today a friend brought us some homemade peaches, freezer jam, veggies, and walnuts. Seriously, I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for.
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* Richard. He is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me.
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* Books. Try to imagine life without the printed word…pretty desolate isn’t it? I love books, especially old books that have quality paper, beautiful, simple illustrations, and teach timeless principles.
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* These new tires are awesome! I love driving with them and actually gripping the road.
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* Pumpkin pie…yyyyuuummmm! It is my favorite! Have I already told you Camille and I stole a whole pie every Thanksgiving and ate it in a back bedroom of my grandmother’s house?
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* My mom was up at the crack of dawn cooking everything for Thanksgiving dinner. I think she has washed every dish in this house at least two times today. She worked MANY hours and we have just finished a glorious feast.
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* My Savior, Jesus Christ, who has given me the gift of repentance, companionship, and hope through his atonement and resurrection. I am grateful to know of Him and to have the opportunity to come to know Him and try to be like Him.
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* My MAPSSSSS class was completed last week. I have had a wonderful time studying the TJEd phases with an amazing group of women. As we have read, discussed, and written together we have learned much and shared our hearts in ways that will be treasured forever.
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* Sheri Dew. I have been listening to her talks this week as I have been sewing pencil rolls and she has brought me insights, peace, and chuckles. She is such a phenomenal speaker, writer, and disciple.
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* The pencil rolls…they just keep coming in! I have a whole box ready to ship out and another one almost full!
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* Childhood. I am grateful we get to start out as children and to learn line upon line as we go through life…and then we get to repeat the cycle as parents as we watch our children delight in the discoveries of each day, find joy in the simple things, and learn the lessons of good and bad, true and false, work and play, and what family means.
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* I am thankful for Camille and Tami. They are more than my friends, they are the sisters I never had as a child (my baby sister wasn’t born till I was 15!).
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* Ovens, dishwashers, computers, cameras, power tools, electricity, flushing toilets, all those modern conveniences that are not necessary, but surely make my life easier and more efficient.
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* “Life is Good” clothing. These clothes bring smiles to my face. They are soft, long-lasting, and always have a cute saying that warms the heart. We like to give them as birthday presents and Annesley got a new one with a ladybug that says “Lovebug” today.
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* I am so thankful for music. It touches me and communicates truths that go straight to my heart. I can’t wait to start playing Christmas music soon!
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* I can’t stop thinking about my grandmother today and our last Thanksgiving together one year ago. I am so grateful for her life and her example to me. I miss her dearly and want her to be here playing games, cooking pies, and telling us stories. I am so thankful for the amount of time I was blessed to spend with her and that my family moved back to Wyoming when I was seven so I could have the privilege of knowing her on a close to daily basis.
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I am a blessed woman. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is all I have time for today with a house full of guests. I am thankful most of all to be a wife and mother and to be surrounded with people who love me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

annesley aliyah

I asked for a miracle
I got one!
It was not what I asked for,
but it was exactly what I needed.

I remember so clearly the week that Annesley’s life began. Maybe it is because she is my youngest child and it wasn’t all that long ago – but maybe it is because God wants me to remember exactly who is guiding me.

I remember being told by our business partners that our business was going to close in two weeks. I remember being shocked, angry, in fact, even furious. I remember the helplessness I felt to solve this problem…and I remember praying to my Heavenly Father to please give us a miracle. Please help there be SOME other answer. Please don’t take away what we have worked so hard for nearly 5 years to build. Please, please, please.

I remember reading a book that week called A Mom Just Like You by Vickie Farris, a homeschooling mother of ten. There is a chapter in that book about letting God plan your family and not using birth control. We had been opposed to birth control for years and I had been teaching Natural Family Planning classes to interested couples for a long time, so I thought, hmmm, this sounds like something I already agree with, I’ll just skim it a little while I fall asleep. Something in Vickie’s words pricked my heart and made me realize I was not being completely willing to let God plan our family. I realized I had been telling Him I was not ready to try again to have a baby after numerous miscarriages. I was not ready to let my heart be broken again. I was not ready to throw up repeatedly day after day. I was not ready to deal with a baby again. I was not ready to bring a child into the world when our business was falling apart.

I read Richard some of the chapter and told him I thought we needed to really leave this in the Lord’s hands…and even though I was not entirely convinced myself…we told God He could send us a baby if He felt that this was the right time, knowing everything that was going on in our lives and the fragility of my wounded heart. Well, less than 24 hours later I was throwing up (yes, supposedly this is impossible, but it happens to me every time!) and craving Johnny Carino’s Caesar salad.

That Friday afternoon at ice skating, I remember thinking, this is NOT even funny. How can I be nauseous already? How will we make it through this pregnancy with our last check coming in two weeks? How will my children survive mom being sick, exhausted, and in pain? How will my pelvis hold up? What is the status of my uterine ligaments and for that matter, my uterus itself? See, I had been told after Fisher’s birth that my pelvis and ligaments were so damaged in the car accident I had at 40 weeks pregnant with him that I shouldn’t have more children. I really, really knew that I could not endure another birth and recovery like I had had with Fisher and was scared to death that that might happen. I didn’t really know if I could even carry this pregnancy to term because I had just had 2 miscarriages in a row. I was full to the brim with fear, worry, and a definite lack of faith.

I also remember being a little giddy thinking of a new little baby and if this one could possibly make it into my arms since he/she was so obviously an answer from God. I remember laughing and joking with my friend and talking about having a November baby.

By eight weeks I was in maternity clothes and I started to believe maybe this baby would make it. By twelve weeks I was showing a ton and getting pretty sure this baby would make it. I remember hearing her heartbeat and being ecstatic. At fifteen weeks we went camping for a week for swim camp and I made chocolate peanut butter smoothies for all the pregnant moms each morning. The weeks went by, I grew, the baby grew, and all my energies were focused on being a pregnant mama and overcoming the debilitating fear I had stored in my body from Fisher’s birth. Soon, November arrived along with lots of contractions. For some reason, I always thought I would have this baby before Thanksgiving. I thought that having Fisher at 40 weeks meant I no longer had to go days and days and days past 40 weeks. We made Thanksgiving plans, knowing I would have a 1 or 2 week old baby. But, no. I am destined to have long pregnancies, just like my mother and grandmother and four days AFTER Thanksgiving our little girlie arrived.

I remember being on the phone the night of the 25th with my sister-in-law, Sandy, working on Mom & Dad’s Christmas present that she was making. I needed to send her family photos and for some reason Richard’s computer was not making it easy for me to get these photos to her. I remember her asking me about the baby and me basically saying that I didn’t feel like the birth was going to be anytime soon. I was feeling nothing and figured I could easily go another week. Then I talked to my dear friend and doula who was leaving at 9 a.m. the next morning for a ten day trip to Washington. We cried together because we both knew she would not be able to attend my birth and both our hearts were broken at this turn of events. She tried hard to give me a pep talk about that God knew I could give birth without her because He wasn’t sending this baby yet and that maybe I needed this experience, that it would be a new and different experience that I would learn great things from. I really didn’t want to hear any of it. I wanted to have given birth two weeks before so that none of this was an issue. I wanted to look into her eyes as I labored and to feel the strength of her faith fill my soul.

Next, I talked to my midwife and she tried to give me the same pep talk that my doula gave me. Again, I wanted to hear none of it and went to bed devastated that my dear friend would not be there. See, I have attended all her births and she has attended all of mine but Blythe’s. We have shared miscarriages, worry, prayer, hope, tears, hugs, 2 hour phone calls, and everything in between. I could not imagine giving birth without her…and I knew now that it was 10 p.m. on the night before she was leaving that I had to somehow wrap myself around this new plan. I didn’t want to do it. I was so, so frustrated.

Around 3 a.m. I woke up to labor! What a delightful surprise! I could not believe it was really happening and quickly called my mom to get her on her way and then called my doula and midwife. Everyone started on their way, Richard started filling the tub, and I rocked through contractions. Soon, I needed Richard to be right with me, pushing on my sacrum once again. Around 5 a.m. my doula slipped into my bedroom and right into place next to me on my bed. I was still laughing and talking in between contractions at this point, but they quickly changed into “this is serious business, do not distract me by talking about miscellaneous topics” contractions. After multiple visits to the restroom to empty my bowels and my stomach (Do you know what an out of control experience it is to have volumes of fluid coming out your mouth, nose, and bottom all at the same time? Let me tell you, it is NOT enjoyable!) I slipped into the birth pool and was enveloped by its warmth and support.

Laboring in water is HEAVEN!

My pelvis was really hurting by this time and I was feeling a lot like I did during Fisher’s birth physically, but emotionally it was all different. I knew I was okay. I knew I was going to make it. I knew God wanted me to have this baby. That He had given her to us and that somehow He had healed my body enough for me to make it through this pregnancy. Because of this, I knew He had a plan for this birth.

Richard pushed on my pelvis, Delinda looked in my eyes, Keziah fed me homemade popsicles (you’ve got to try the R.W. Knudson Morning Blend juice to make your labor popsicles with…they are, hands down, the best), and Blythe was helpful in every way. Everything I needed she did with a gentleness that astounded me. She nurtured me that day in a way that hasn’t happened since she was a little girl and still thought I was the most amazing mom ever. My midwife arrived, my mom arrived, and everyone was thrilled that I was giving birth after such a journey to get to that point.

We could not figure out how to relieve the pressure on my pubic bone. It was hurting so much and I could not get any relief from numerous position changes. We tried using a hot water bottle, but it was not pliable enough to bend and fit how I needed it to. Someone had the brilliant idea to use a camelback…PERFECTION! It was plenty squishy and conformed to my body fabulously well.

A huge contraction came, my water broke, and out came Annesley into the hands of our midwife around 8:30 in the morning! What JOY! She laid on my chest for awhile, snuggled up and looking into my eyes. The depth of spirit that a brand new baby shows in her eyes is breathtaking. It is like looking straight into the essence of creation. I can always see that this soul has understanding that we don’t have. Their eyes are giant pools of wisdom, love, and truth.

That is exactly how Annesely’s eyes were that day. I remember feeling her great love for me. Her patience with me. And most of all, her joyful confidence that everything would be okay.

My doula left shortly afterwards so she could make it on her trip and we rejoiced together at the perfect timing of the Lord that enabled her to attend our birth.

Snuggling up with her in my bed that day healed so much of the pain of Fisher’s birth. I was not injured. I was not incapacitated. I was living proof that God CAN and DOES work miracles today. I was told my uterine ligaments would never heal…and yet, her birth, was proof that through His power they were healed. What a gift to be given from a loving Father…to be a miracle…and to have a child.

Annesely is now turning two years old. She is full of love, full of joy, and most of all, full of peace. Her eyes are bright and communicate the message that “it’s okay, it’s all gonna be okay.” I love this little girl so much. She has changed me and helped me to remember the joy of life and what is really most important.

You see, God knew that what we needed to get through our financial disaster was a little bundle of happiness and adorableness all wrapped up into one blue-eyed girlie who brings us joy everyday.

Happy Birthday Goo! We all love you!

Two days old

Two weeks old

Six weeks old

With her signature white hat made by Amy

Remember my post about the ranch dressing and yellow paint disaster? Here is the proof…

Look at her eyes in all these pictures. See how they are full of joy and love? Doesn’t it fill you with happiness just to see her?

Thank you for coming when you did my girlie, you are exactly what I needed then and your smiles help get me through every single day.

the stopping power of rubber

Wowsers! Do you know how well a vehicle can stop when it has rubber on its tires? It is amazing what you can do when you have a little bit of tread underneath you.

Yes, we got some tires today while Blythe was at her colloquium on I am David! What a difference! Now I can drive without fear of sliding through intersections, into ditches, or worst of all, into another vehicle.

Yippee!

thankful thursdays 11/19

* The tire fund angel. Every time I think of this miracle, I start crying. A generous person gave us a substantial donation to our tire fund…simply amazing. I still need to figure out which ones to get and then actually get them put on, but I am sure I will come to a decision SOON! Thank you from the bottom of our hearts – we pray for you every night to have the windows of heaven poured out upon you.
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* Cute pencil rolls and dedicated women! Thank you so much for your hours of service. I just know these children in Uganda are going to cherish their pencil holders! Each day some more pencil rolls are coming in and they are all adorable! We are up to 463 committed rolls! Almost to our goal of 500!
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* We had a wonderful and BUSY visit with my mom.
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* Blythe finished her book for her colloquium today! She didn’t think she could do it, but she persevered and got it done!
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* The song Love is Little. It brings me such joy to sing it, hear it, read it.
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* I got my dining room clean!!! It has been gathering stuff for months and it is finally clean. Well, okay, that is not a entirely true statement. It WAS clean and then I filled it up with sewing machines and Blythe and I have been sewing up a storm on the pencil roll project.
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* The Book of Mormon. It is simply the most wonderful book ever. We are zooming through it by listening to the CD’s for 30 minutes every night and I am loving it. It is so clear when we go through it so fast. All the lessons and insights pile up and fill my mind and heart with truth, faith, and the love of my Savior.
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* Clear weather…I am so not ready for winter.
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* I get to have a cello lesson today. I love my cello!
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* Annesley loves to help me do everything. I am trying really hard to be grateful for her so-called help because although she doesn’t save me any time, her willingness brings a smile to my face.
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* My children were able to earn more money this week holding signs. Yippee!
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* A cute little red-headed boy who gives me huge hugs and kisses and says the most endearing things ever. He is full of love and it is so fun to watch him grow up and gain confidence outside our doors.
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* The library. Even though we have our share of fines, my children love finding new treasures to read. I am thrilled that they think books are one of the most exciting things in the world.
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* My planner. The more I use it, the more I love it. It has changed my life. It has kept me more organized than anything else ever has. Not that I AM organized…just more organized than before!
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* Sunshine. Look outside! It is shining brightly and streaming across my floor. I love it! I can handle the cold, if only the sun will shine. There is nothing more dreary than days and weeks on end of sunless days. I just don’t know if I will survive this winter if we have a string of them.
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* Popcorn. I love popcorn and eat it often. Whoever discovered that heating a kernal up would make it explode into deliciousness has my eternal thanks.
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* Along with the popcorn, I am really grateful for vacuum cleaners to clean up my daily popcorn mess.
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* Thanksgiving is almost here! My family is coming to our home and for the first time ever we will having a Thanksgiving Feast in our very own home. I am so thankful they are coming and hope we can help everyone have a wonderful holiday.
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Off to cello lessons, Liberty Girls, and the Kendell’s Colloquium.