missing her some more

I am finally attempting to clean the craft/sewing/completely overflowing with junk room. It has been way too overwhelming to me to even attempt to deal with it for a LONG time. I started today and I am going to do my best to keep working at it till it is all in order…not an easy task for me…I flit around as I clean, rarely staying with one project, much less one room, for more than a few minutes at a time. I am throwing out gobs of stuff and am loading up a DI box full of things I no longer have room for in my life.

Well, in this room, in a topsy-turvy box, buried under fabric, dress-ups, paper, game pieces, puzzle pieces, receipts, long-lost socks, and who knows what else, I found a treasure tonight.

I found my old home phone/answering machine…and guess what was on it! Messages that have been saved for years. Messages from my grandmother. Tonight I got to hear her voice! She left me two messages – one about a missing library book that we had left at her home and one about going to visit her for the week.

I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to hear her voice and it sounded just like her. Just like she was right next to me. All her little pauses and inflections were captured perfectly. All her adorable personality. All her love.

I miss her more than I can even begin to explain.

This great woman, this wonderful matriarch, this bastion of Christian love, service, compassion, dedication, and purity, loved me. I know she did. I know she does.

But it is not enough.

I want her with me forever. I want her in my home. I want her watching my children grow. I want her telling them stories, playing games, and laughing with us.

I want to hear her sing “As Sisters In Zion” and “I Believe in Christ” one a million more times.

I want her here with me.

thankful thursdays 2/25

* In spite of an accident and our car being totaled, my husband is alive and well. He is sore, had a dislocated shoulder, and lots of strained ligaments…but he is here and he let me hold him all night.
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* Anna helped us out by taking the children the night of the accident. They had a great time playing with her play kitchen, watching Gilligan’s Island, and munching on popcorn.
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* The read-a-thon books are ordered! Our homeschool group did an amazing job and raised over $4000 in pledges. Half of that will go to books for F.A.I.T.H. and Valley House. Very exciting!
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* Annesley has a new name…it is Spider. Why am I thankful for this, you wonder? Because it shows her cute little personality so well. She loves telling people her name is Spider and then she giggles and grins thinking she is the most hilarious thing ever. It is so cute!
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* H.O.P.E. is this week! I can’t wait to meet with all of these wonderful ladies and learn and grow together!
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* My sister graduated from Beauty College this week AND she did all of our hair. I am so blessed to have someone who can cut my hair just the way I like it!
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another one bites the dust

Another car that is.

Richard was in an accident tonight when a truck pulled out in front of him and Richard T-boned right into and under him.

At first I was worried about him – is he okay, what do I need to do, is he really okay?

Then I was worried about our car situation. Our 15 year old Lumina (yes, Becky, your car has finally ended its long sojourn here and is totalled..such a good car that has served us so well these last few years!) isn’t going to bring any big check from the insurance company and so we won’t be able to replace it. So, I guess we will be a one car family now…uuurrrgggghhhh!

Now I have all the children to bed and have bathed him, rubbed him down with PanAway, Valor, Peppermint, Lavender, Cedarwood, and Release oils and have him in bed for the night. Now I get to think. Now I am filled with gratitude.

My husband is alive, in our bed, and able to keep on keeping on. He is sore, his knees are swollen, he feels achy, and I’m sure he will be miserable for a few days…but he is here. He gave me a kiss tonight and as his lips caressed mine I realized something. He could be gone just.that.fast.

You see, this is the exact same type of accident my friend’s husband was in last June. He is still here too, but he lost his right leg, spent months in the hospital, had numerous surgeries, and is still recovering.

So tonight, I am grateful that the love of my life is still here, still in my earthly life. I will go snuggle with him now…we both need it.

new looks

My lil’ sister came and transformed all of us with some new haircuts, waxing, and color. She is amazing! She did six haircuts, two waxes, two highlights, and ended up with a smile on her face at the end.

We tried to get before and after shots of everyone, but we forgot on Blythe and I and Logan’s is such a horrible shot I don’t think he would like it if I put it on here.

Annesley’s hair is extremely fine and flyaway and she looks like an orphaned child pretty much every day. Her hair doesn’t hold curl, barrettes, clips and ponytails don’t stay in, and it is a bird’s nest every morning when she wakes up…so we chopped it off. None of my children have ever had a haircut before the age of three. I like them to look like babies for as long as possible and there has never been a ton of hair to cut on my bald babies anyway…but Annesley’s hair has been driving me crazy for months, so I put my “rules” on the back burner and told Mikelle to give her an A-Line cut if at all possible with her wiggling and if not, just a straight bob.

Before:

In process:

In spite of Annesley’s bouncing, turning, dancing, singing, throwing her cape over top of her head, and all sorts of other nonsens, Mikelle created an adorable pixie cut. Annesley should be in a Peter Pan movie as Tinkerbell’s little sister. It is so stinkin’ cute!

I thought Fisher’s haircut was short last time, but this time Mikelle was determined to give him a missionary haircut. So, when I was distracted with other things she cut it WAY SHORT! It is really cute on him and it is going to be easy-peasy to take care of!

Before:

In Process:

All Done!

Keziah is growing her hair out, so she just got a little 1/2″ trim. Here is a pic of her cut in progress.

Pic coming soon…

Logan’s hair was pretty scraggly, which is just how he likes it. After his hair cut, it is still scraggly, but I think he looks great!

Blythe got some more layers put in to help her naturally curly hair have some more bounce and she got the leftovers of my highlighting goop to add some blond streaks. She also got her eyebrows waxed for the first time! She has always been beautiful and this latest makeover looks great on her.

Then there is me. I really dislike pictures of myself. I don’t photograph well and I hate the look of my crooked eyes, yellow teeth, and blotchy skin, but I am trying to own that this is what I look like and I need to be comfortable in my own skin…which I am…as long it isn’t in a photo! I love these A-Line cuts Mikelle is so good at giving me. It helps my enormously thick hair have a chance of not being as wide as a travel trailer and I think it looks pretty cute on me.

Richard is the only one who didn’t get a hair cut because he just got it cut two weeks ago.

and the winner is…

Tami!

I used random.org (which is a great little tool!) to pick a number from all the sponsors of the children’s read-a-thon! She had numbers 323-383 and the number chosen was 345.

Woo-hoo for Tam!

Thank you to everyone who has donated to my children’s read-a-thon. They will be choosing their books for themselves and for F.A.I.T.H. today.

Also, thank you to all of my blog readers – you guys are fabulous!

missing children

Today at church someone said “Aren’t you missing one of your children?” I tried to hide the shock I felt and stuff down the tears that were emerging and responded “Nope, they are all here.” He said, “Really? Just four – I thought you had more.” “Nope, just four.” said with as big of a smile as I could muster.

Then he said “Are you done?”

Whoooaaaahh. I tried to act relaxed and like it wasn’t cutting me to the core. I said “I don’t know, we are waiting to see what God says about that.” It’s the best I could do – I certainly wasn’t going to explain anything to this man standing in the foyer with me, but I wanted to be truthful without being emotional, flippant, or bitter. I tried to answer the questions simply without any fanfare. I think I succeeded, but I don’t know for sure.

Because yeah, there are some missing. And these questions were just too close to home.

I think of the twins we miscarried back in 2001. Little girls with curly blond hair and blue eyes. After we lost the first twin, I believed I was okay emotionally because I thought, “At least I am still pregnant with this one. Something must have been wrong with that baby, but at least I will get to keep this one.” Then we miscarried the second twin on Keziah’s first birthday at the exact same time as her birth. It was the same length as her labor and was just as intense. These were our first two miscarriages and I was in shock. Total shock. I remember crying my eyes out with my friend Delinda and wondering how I would ever make it through this. I remember her wise counsel to take time to grieve and to let my grieving be as intense or as mild, as long or as short as it needed to be. I remember being grateful when it was all over because now I could move on and have another baby…because of course it would never happen again. How little I knew.

I think of the baby the next July, then November, then another the next July, then again in December. I think of the two babies we lost after Fisher. Those were quite the surprise because all the luteal phase issues were fixed. Didn’t matter – babies were still not making it into our arms.

I think of the baby this last October and the sobering reality that hit me that this is who I am. A mother who miscarries babies over and over and over. A mother that can’t stay pregnant even when there is nothing obviously wrong with her. A mother to nine babies that didn’t join her family on earth.

I know this man wasn’t trying to hurt me, he was just commenting that we seemed to be missing someone and the truth is we are.

Will there ever be more to fill our little family or are we done?

I don’t know, I really don’t know.

you are worth more to me

I have some favorite blogs I read to give me inspiration for my motherhood journey. One of my favorites is A Path Made Straight where Eliana paints a picture of her walk with God as a mother so vividly I walk away painted anew every time I visit her site.

Today’s post touched me profoundly. What are my children worth to me and how am I sending that message to them?

Read this for the loveliest post about just that.

thankful thursdays 2/18

* My sister is coming this weekend to cut and color my hair and Fisher’s and Blythe’s and Keziah’s and maybe even little Annes will get a new do! I can’t wait to get my hair back into some semblance of style.
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* My neighbor took Blythe to seminary when the suburban wouldn’t start on Tuesday. Thanks for saving the day Anna!
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* My children have read and read and read during the read-a-thon. We all had a great time with it!
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* My sweetie made Valentine’s Day so fun with a scrumptious breakfast and red decorations!
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* My friends, Jennifer and Kat, had an awesome adult Valentine’s Day party. They went all out preparing a feast for us! There were heart shaped mushrooms, peppers, and cucumbers. There was an exquisite pita bar, a chocolate fountain with strawberries and pineapple, Kat’s famous hummus, apple dipping with caramel, chocolate, nuts, and candies. It was so yummy! We talked and played games and had a wonderful time.

Thanks to Blythe for being such a wonderful babysitter and letting us have a night out with friends!
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* The sun shone almost every day this week. I cannot tell you how much difference the sun makes in my outlook!
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* Both Browning families let us go skating with them yesterday for an end of the season ice skating bonanza. My girls had tons of fun! Thanks for letting us help you use up your pass.
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* I was able to be the mentor for Blythe’s colloquium group. We had a fabulous discussion about Animal Farm. It is such a privilege to know these youth and to take part in their education. The insights they had about freedom, sacrifice, common sense, government forms, and their role in being defenders of liberty were inspiring to me. What a great way to spend an afternoon!
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* I am grateful for my readers. The comments you leave touch my heart and help me know I am not alone. This past week my emotions were all over the map and reading your words helped me immensely. Thank you for your support, your kindness, and your wisdom.
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joy pillow give-away

Dear readers,

My children are participating in the First Annual Idaho Homeschool Read-A-Thon and are reading to earn money to buy Usborne books for themselves and for F.A.I.T.H. – Families in Transitional Housing. They have been reading non-stop for the last 10 days and have been trying to find sponsors for themselves. I hatched up an idea to do a give-away to help them raise funds.

I made a pillow…yes, me the sewing impaired mama made a very cute pillow to give to some lucky soul!

Isn’t that cute!

If you post about this on your blog and link back to this post and then leave me a comment with your website’s post, you will get one entry for this adorable 8 1/2″ square pillow. For every dollar that you paypal to the read-a-thon, you will earn two entries. All entries must be in by Saturday night at midnight and the winner will be announced Monday morning. Let’s spread this far and wide! Just think, if 1000 people donated $1, they would reach their goal of $1000. Let’s help them do it!

To paypal, my account is mom2bmw@aol.com.

If you prefer to mail a check, email me and I will send you our home address.

Thanks much! My little ones are having great time reading and earning books and are so excited to give books to the children at F.A.I.T.H. – Families in Transitional Housing.

i am a mother

The last couple of days I have been drawn inward. Pondering. Wondering. Trying to sort it all out. Trying to just kick myself out of this depressed funk. Yesterday I started rearranging my kitchen drawers and cupboards in an attempt to distract myself from the frustration I have been feeling. It didn’t really work, but it did give me a project to work on and feel accomplished about. A friend called and asked if she could come over and I told her I wasn’t up to it. I ignored phone calls from pretty much everyone. I knew they would be full of pity and sorrow and I just can’t take anyone’s emotions on top of my own.

Today I was in the same mood. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to have to explain it to anyone. I just want to be NORMAL! I want to have a normal menstrual cycle. I want to be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I want to have as many babies as I can in the next few years before I stop releasing eggs. I want, I want, I want. The reality is I need to stop wanting and be happy with the way things are. Well, the more I told myself those words over the last few days the less I have listened to myself. Telling myself I should do something never works for me.

This afternoon I drove Keziah to her colloquium on A Dog of Flanders and I forced myself to be present with my children on the drive there. They needed me to pay attention to them, to give myself to them, to reassure them that I was still “in” there. We started singing songs and the more we sang, the happier I was. I loved hearing my children sing. I loved watching Annesley’s face in my rear view mirror as she belted out “I don’t know wwwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy she swallowed that fly, perhaps she’ll ddddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!” I had a great time with them and I realized something.

I am a mother.

I get to be with my children every single day.

I love my life.

Tonight I went to New Beginnings with Blythe. As the young women stood in front of us and sang “Walk Tall, You’re a Daughter” I started crying. Hard. Tears streamed down my face as I thought “Tracy, you were born to do this – to raise righteous daughters, full of virtue and truth. To be a mother of daughters. To help raise the next generation of women.” As the song progressed, the words sank deep into my heart and I realized God was talking to me, giving me this message to help heal my heart. I cried and cried and fell in love with the Lord all over again.

Walk Tall, You’re A Daughter

Right now I have a prayer deep within my heart,
A prayer for each of you there is a special part -
That you remember who you are and Him who lives above.
Please seek for him and live His way;
You’ll feel His love.

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong; please remember who you are.
Try to understand; you’re part of His great plan.
He’s closer than you know.
Reach up; He’ll take your hand.

Long before the time you can remember,
Our Father held you in His arms so tender.
Those loving arms released you as He sent you down to earth.
He said, my child, I love you.
Don’t forget your great worth.

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong; please remember who you are.
Try to understand; you’re part of His great plan.
He’s closer than you know.
Reach up; He’ll take your hand.

This life on earth we knew would not be easy.
At times we lose our way;
His path we may not see.
But please remember always, please, that you are not alone.
He’ll take your hand. He loves you!
He will guide you home.

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong; please remember who you are.
Try to understand; you’re part of His great plan.
He’s closer than you know.
Reach up; He’ll take your hand.

Words and music by Jamie Glenn

I am so grateful to be a daughter of God – to be able to walk with Him and for Him and by Him. I am grateful to be in His hands and to have the blessings, the trials, and the lessons He gives me. I am grateful to be part of His plan.

I am grateful to be a mother to all my babies. I’m not giving up on more of them joining us here on earth, but I am going to try to be content with the ones I have for now…and to be “with” them, to be fully present for them and focus on nurturing their little hearts to trust in the Lord, love their family, and be God’s hands in this world.

The Young Women theme for this year is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. Here it is for you all to enjoy and take strength from as well.

Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Joshua 1:9

I know God is with me – short luteal phases, miscarried babies, days of depression and all.