blog
dependence
Last Saturday I posted about being done with mothering. Well, it has been a week since that horrible night and I have been thinking deeply about my mothering. I have had some pretty powerful insights, which I will attempt to share, but they may or may not be powerful for you.
In Kisses From Katie (which you MUST read. Really. It will transform your heart…I promise), Katie says:
“Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle.” People repeat this frequently; I heard it growing up and I hear it now. It is meant to be a source of encouragement, and it would be if I believed it were true. But I don’t. I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and He takes over, proving Himself by doing the impossible in our lives.
When I read those words last week, I was changed. Impacted deeply. Taught. Opened. My heart was literally opened to more dependence on the Lord.
In the past year and a half, I have learned that I can’t fix the lump in my breast. I can’t fix this hip. I can’t change many of the things about my life. But God can. God will. God is. I remember the day I miraculously received approval for the lumpectomy. I still have the voicemail on my phone and I listen to it often so I can remember the workings of God in my life. I remember the day back in March when I had the MRI when I was completely opposed to it and could see no way to make it happen. I remember falling apart afterwards in body-shaking sobs because the miracles of that day meant God knew me and loved me – I felt like an itty-bitty baby in God’s hands and knew my every breath came from Him.
But sometimes I forget those lessons. Sometimes I am just so dang competent in my own life that I forget to be dependent on the Lord. I’m a smart girl. I can get a lot done. I can talk to anyone, anywhere and usually connect with their heart. I can type fast, scrub a toilet, lift a gazillion pounds, do a back flip, and hatch crazy ideas. I can help a mama give birth, massage a baby, make food from scratch, put on huge events, and gobs of other things that make the world go round (ha-ha).
So I forget. I forget how utterly dependent I am on Him. I forget that He is helping me each step of the way. I forget that without Him I can do nothing.
And I have done that with mothering.
I have taught parenting classes for years. I know all the “right” answers in my head. I have studied and researched and written and pondered mothering for the past sixteen years.
And there was a time I was doing most of it right. I was loving and patient and nurturing and focused and dedicated.
And then things changed. More children came to our home. I began having health problems. I began our miscarriage journey. I had Fisher and went through a year of hell recovering from his birth. After two more miscarriages and many broken hearts, our business was closed, our income cut by two-thirds, our Annesley was born and our life was changed dramatically. No more lunches with my sweetie, no more evenings to play together, no more Saturdays to work in the yard, just lots and lots of hours of him working hard to support our family. Then, when we finally adjusted the best we could to this new way of life, I discovered the breast lump and went through months of pain and fear (and growth!). Then, we were hit with the hip injury that has caused me such pain, incapacitation, and frustration for the past seven months.
Truth be told, I am worn out. My emotional reserves are gone. I have a wonderful life, I know this and I am so, so grateful for it. But, these last twelve years of physical, emotional, and financial stress have pretty much done me in. If everything is running smoothly and children are cheerful, obedient, and helpful, I can hold it together, but the second that changes, I fall apart. And really, when does it it all run smoothly? You know how you feel after you have been up for 36 straight hours and you are exhausted and hungry and can’t think straight? That is pretty much where I am living now. I am still functioning, still doing good things, still smiling, but my face is creased with the grimace of pain and my heart is struggling to stay in a place of love.
And I think I am finally learning that I must rely on the Lord.
Fully.
I no longer have any of my own strength or my own brainpower or my own willpower. I have given everything I have and there is nothing left of myself to buoy me up.
It is oh, so evident in my mothering. My well of patience is about one inch deep. My well of love is perhaps a little deeper, but it is also harder to find. My well of nurturing is covered over with cement and needs to be unearthed.
And I have finally realized I cannot rely on myself and my knowledge and my dedication to mothering. It is not enough. I must rely on the Lord. I must receive sustenance from Him if I am to mother these precious souls in the way I desire.
Katie continues with:
I have learned to accept it, even ask for it, this “more than I can handle.” Because in these times, God shows himself victorious. he reminds me that all of this life requires more of Him and less of me. God does give us more than we can handle. Not maliciously, but intentionally, in love, that His glory may be displayed, that we may have no doubt of who is in control, that people may see His grace and faithfulness shining through our lives. And as I surrender these situations to Him, watch Him take over and do the impossible, I am filled with joy and peace – so much more than I can handle.
I want that peace. I know He is working miracles in my life on a continual basis. I know He is guiding me and loving me and teaching me. Now I need to give me to Him completely and let Him be my reservoir, let Him nurture me and them, let Him be my everything instead of thinking I am my anything.
now what?
Here’s the deal. I am hurting. I keep smiling at people (for the most part) and I taught my classes on Wednesday and I took my son to an eye exam today and I took him to the Scout Office to get his new Cub Scout uniform and I went to our ward’s preparedness night tonight and I am going to gym tomorrow.
But I am really hurting. I am hurting more than I have hurt for a long time. I am more than a bit frightened that I have really done something to myself. Sometimes the pain takes my breath away. Sometimes I feel I may pass out from the pain. Sometimes I get hot and sweaty and the room starts spinning. Most of the time I am baffled. I do not know what is going on and I am more than a little frustrated.
God told me to teach gymnastics this fall. I had completely decided against it. It was quite obvious by the middle of July that I would not be better in time to start teaching in September. But one lovely Sabbath day He told me to do it. And I have felt peace about it. Unexplainable peace.
And now this.
Now pain right in the tear that feels as if I am being shredded. Pain throughout my entire pelvis that feels like I am going to fall down at times. Pain that scares me.
I know God didn’t tell me to do forward rolls last week. He only told me to teach. I get that.
But now I don’t know what to do.
sotw: helaman 5:9
There are a lot of beliefs in my Mormon religion. A lot of doctrines, principles, practices, stories, and experiences that make up who we are as a people. I am grateful to live surrounded by others of my faith and to be free to practice my religion according to my conscience. I am grateful my children are part of the LDS culture here in the Rocky Mountains.
BUT, I don’t ever want the culture, the practices, stories, or experiences to trump the central tenet of our religion, which is that Jesus Christ died for us and his infinite, atoning sacrifice is the only means by which we can be saved. We are all lost. We are all fallen. We are all sinners. Christ is the only answer. This central message is what I want to pour into their souls so deeply that it becomes the bedrock of their foundation, their guiding star throughout their lives.
Helaman 5:9
O remember, remember, my sons, the words which King Benjamin spake unto his people; yea, remember that there is no other way nor means whereby man can be saved, only through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ, who shall come; yea, remember that He cometh to redeem the world.
sore, but moving a little
Yesterday Jennifer drove me down to get my seventh round of injections. After an hour plus wait, Dr. West finally came to work on me. He tested my range of motion, my joint stability, and my pain levels. He decided the approach for the day would be one injection into the labral tear and then many injections into the trochanter bursa and surrounding area. Unfortunately, that bursa injection triggered the nerve response just like the first injection back in April. Lightening bolts were shooting down my leg and throughout my pelvis. Labor breathing, hand-holding, and lots of screaming got me through – I hope I didn’t break Jenn’s hand or ear drums.
Last night I couldn’t move much and Blythe had to help me to the bathroom more times than I can count, but this morning I was able to get up by myself, so progress is being made. Yesterday I was sore enough I decided I probably wouldn’t make it to iFamily on Wednesday, but now I think I might be able to swing it. We will see how the day progresses.
These Prolozone treatments are not for the weak, they take all the courage I have. The day of my injections I am sick to my stomach, can’t eat, poop a gazillion times, and am generally a giant ball of anxiety. Then the injections hurt. Bad. It is not like a shot. It is like being shocked for minutes on end, full of so much pressure you think your inner organs will explode right out of you, and being paralyzed all at the same time. It is a bizarre experience. But it works. I am healing. I am moving better all the time. I can’t wait to be 100% functioning again!
Thanks Jenn! You were a fabulous injection doula!
injection #7
Today is injection #7. Please pray for me at 10 a.m. I need courage and loads of love poured down upon me.
sacred things
In our church we believe in performing ordinances for our ancestors. We are baptized for them, washed and annointed, receive an endowment from God, and then do the sealing work for them so their families can be sealed together in the eternities. We believe it is some of the most important work we can do in this life because it connects us to our ancestors, knits our hearts together, and allows all of God’s children to make covenants with Him. Our ancestors have the opportunity to either accept these covenants or not. They are not binding on them in any way unless they accept them.
I have been engaged in a serious amount of genealogy since April. I am sure I have spent over a thousand hours researching my family lines and entering their information in my file so that these ancestors can be given the opportunity to make covenants with God.
It would be absolutely impossible for me to share the precious experiences I have had with the Spirit while I have been searching for my family members, but today I want to share a few things that have happened in the past week as my ward members have attended the temple to do the work for my family.
One man said he volunteered to do ten names for me last Sunday, but had no idea how he would ever fit in a trip to the temple this week. This is his busiest time of the year at work and he was swamped. He put my temple cards in his pocket and forgot about them. On Friday, he was overcome with their spirits. He was quite surprised as nothing like that had ever happened to him before. He knew he had to go to the temple for them that day, but he had too much work to be able to leave. He says he could feel their presence helping him to get his work done quickly and efficiently and was able to get three days worth of work done in three hours and make it to the temple before it closed for the night. He says these male ancestors of mine sent him the message that they were excited to have their work done and were going to help him get his work done so he could go to the temple for them.
Another man said he couldn’t stop crying while he was in the temple. He said my family members’ spirits were so strong that his heart couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.
Another man shared a feeling he got while he was in the temple on Saturday. He said he felt as if some of my family members were not ready to accept the ordinances, but they would as they watched my example. I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by that one. I know my example of discipleship is not at all what it should be and I hope they can feel my love for the Savior and for them and be merciful and understanding with my less than Christlike behavior.
My father’s grandma Sallie was the first person I found when I started this research and I immediately fell in love with her. Her husband died of a brain tumor when she was pregnant with her ninth baby and she worked as hard as she could to raise those seven boys and two girls by herself for the next thirty years until she passed away the year my father was born. I have been waiting to do her work until I could sit because I wanted to be the one to do it. I love her so much and I couldn’t bear to let anyone else, even my closest friends, do it for me. I still can’t sit, but on Saturday morning I woke up and God told me that I needed to go do Sallie’s work right then. I didn’t know how that could possibly work because of the sitting in the temple, but I decided to move forward with the day and try my best to make it happen.
Before I went in to the temple, Annesley threw her arms around me and said “I will pray for Sallie!” I asked my other children to do the same. You see, even though I only know a little bit about her life, I love her and I want her to give her heart to Jesus. I want her to have happiness. I want her to accept these covenants. I want her to know and trust my love for her.
It was glorious. I talked to Sallie’s spirit almost the entire time I was in the temple and kept telling her that the way to have peace is through the atonement of Jesus Christ and the way to have joy is by making and keeping covenants with Him.
I am so grateful for the privilege I have of doing this work for my family and that others are joining me and having spiritual experiences as well.
God is good. He is my light and my joy. I rejoice that I am His daughter.
catching up
Yes, it has been a week since I have posted. No time. Not a second to pound out a post. So, now I will catch you up on the happenings of my life.
Sunday:
Church services were wonderful, the Spirit was strong, our ward felt unified, and I tried to share the love of Jesus with my ward members. Then we had Grandma’s birthday party that night. I read stories from her life and shared her testimony of Jesus with our children. Then we ate some delicious rice pudding…recipe coming!
Monday:
We went to Bear Lake for our almost annual sand and swim adventure. We kayaked, played volleyball, built a huge sandcastle, ate lots of food, swam to the bouys, got sunburned, hunted for frogs (and brought said frogs home), and had a wonderful time with my extended family.
Tuesday:
I realized that iFamily was beginning in less than 24 hours so I hurriedly put all the last minute stuff together for my two classes and all my board duties. Then, I started a new learning adventure for ME! I am taking a class from the Ten Boom Institute and Tuesday was our first conference call. Ahhh, it fed my soul! My brain and my heart were challenged and renewed. The best part of all? My dear friend, Heather Burton, is also in the class with me. It was a complete surprise to hear her voice and I admit, I shrieked a passionate hello and frightened all the other class members.
Wednesday:
FIRST DAY OF IFAMILY!!! Yes, I am screaming. It was such a splendiforous day! All the classes went well, children made friends, moms made friends, hearts connected, smiles were shared, and all the Boards’ hard work paid off. My two classes, Hullabaloo and Further Up and Further In, went well. Hullabaloo is going to be a blast. I have 25 children I get to teach new games to each week. This week we learned Cat & Mouse, Crossing the Brook, and Drop the Handkerchief. We had so much fun running around in the sun!
Wednesday evening Blythe’s lifelong dream to take ballet came true as she and Keziah started dancing in their pink tights and black leotards. A woman from iFamily has a ballet studio in her home less than one mile from our home and started a Beginning Teen class after months of my begging and pleading got through to her heart. Blythe danced and smiled and danced and smiled and danced. She has such good form that part of me wishes I had allowed her to do ballet years ago, but it never felt right and now it does, so I am going to try to make peace with the choices of the past. Keziah doesn’t love it the same way Blythe does, but I enrolled her because I think it will give her a good workout, grow some muscles which will help her running, improve her posture, and be challenging in a good, supportive way. She needs to be challenged by someone other than me. So many things come easy for her that when things are hard she sometimes stops trying. It is a trait I share with her and one I don’t feel is serving her well, so this is a small way of rooting it out.
Thursday:
EEEEEEKKKK was how I felt Thursday morning when I realized gymnastics was starting the next day and I had a gazillion things to do to get ready for it. The children read and studied and built things around me while I got everything ready for our first day at gym. It was sooooo long. But it was worth it because gym went really well on Friday. Thursday night we had our adult book discussion at our home on Kisses From Katie. Let me shout it out. READ THIS BOOK. Today. Read it and let your heart be moved to follow Christ with all your being. I love Katie. I love what she has taught me and shown me and given me. I love her example of loving Jesus.
Friday:
First day of gym. Wowsers, was it busy and hard and busy and wonderful and busy and pretty much exhausting. I vowed I would not DO anything. That I would direct and guide, but not move or jump or roll. Five minutes into the first class I broke my promises. I ran and jumped and rolled like a pro. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. It was so, so healing to my soul to be back in the gym with my students and to be able to DO things. For my body to work. And then, I hurt. By the fourth class I was limping and stopped jumping and rolling. My entire hip area was on fire and the pain radiated across my back and frightened the daylights out of me. I felt as if I had stepped back in time five months to when my back ached so terribly I couldn’t move faster than turtle pace. So I made it through the last couple of classes by having my assistants do everything and the pain settled down quite a bit. A few hours later it returned with a vengeance and I spent the evening lying on Jessica’s couch with an ice pack on my hip. Our friend, Jessica C., from Colorado, was here visiting Jess and I, and we ate pizza and laughed and caught up on each other’s lives while the children played Knights and Prisoner and Legos and chased goats for hours on end. Fun times.
Saturday:
Oh my. What a long, busy, wonderful, and awful day. I need to share my thoughts about it in a separate post, but for now I will give you the highlights.
Farmer’s Market for the first time of the year…and last year as well. What used to be a weekly occurrence has become a biennial event. How did that happen? Oh yes, we have been in survival mode for the past 18 months. We bought some of our favorite tortillas, some corn on the cob, and some yummy dipping sauces and sampled fudge, chicken sausages, and bread. The kids found some awesome stuffed lizards and dragons made by the cutest little Asian woman, but they had no money so they just had to window shop (booth-shop?).
Dress shopping for Blythe for her upcoming date..huge success, beautiful gown, and lots of fun.
Huckleberry Ice Cream and playing in Fairyland…another former weekly occurrence that hasn’t happened since 2010.
Temple trip for me. No words for how wonderful it was.
Symphony in the park…great music, great friends, so nice to lie in the shade and listen to our amazing orchestra put on a rip-roaring show.
Children fighting, arguing, whining, complaining, yelling, blaming, and hurting one another…did me in. Last night I went to bed and told Richard I was done with mothering. I was obviously completely failing and I was done trying when the results were oh, so awful. Awful nightmares all night long, broken heart, and no hope.
Sunday:
I am ready to try again at this whole mothering thing, but have come to some new realizations about what I need to do. More later.
happy birthday gram
Today is my Grandma’s birthday. She would have been 94 and we would have had a birthday party at her house yesterday morning. She would have sat in her chair and looked us each in the eye and infused our souls with her abiding love for us and the courage to move forward with faith. She would have giggled at the children’s antics and delighted in the adorableness. She would have kissed me on the cheek. Late at night when it was time for bed, she would have asked me to make her some rice pudding.
So today I will.
I haven’t made it since she passed away at Christmas 2008. In fact, I’ve never made it for anyone except my grandma. It was our special late night thing.
Tonight I will make it for my children and tell them my favorite stories about grandma.
I miss her so.
taking flight
Fisher disappeared yesterday for a while and when he came back he had made an airplane. I’m sure it has something to do with our FIAR book of the week, The Glorious Flight and Louis’ flying adventures.
He has decided the garage is one of his favorite places to be and I need to remember to look for him in there more often. He is following in the footsteps of his Grandpa who builds real airplanes and classic cars and trucks.
first date???
Tonight my first-born daughter was asked on her very first date.
Wow.
I am so happy for her to have this experience and to see her blossoming in many ways, but wow, am I unprepared for this. I knew she had turned 16 and I knew she could now be asked out for a date, I just didn’t think it would happen anytime soon. I thought I had a while to wrap my mind around this idea.
Also, this creative asking out thing is new to me. When I was dating you simply asked someone out, you didn’t have to send them on a scavenger hunt, or decorate their room, or kidnap them, or send them a hidden message in a popcorn ball. Now she needs to come up with a creative way to answer. Fun stuff going on at our house.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
