lost and found

Sep 25, 2012

I am not morbidly depressed. But I am a tad worn down. My ward’s upcoming split in five short days has me moving inward. The pain in my hip is starting to feel like a permanent resident.

And I have passed the seven month mark. Seven months of missing out on things.

Today, this is what I miss about having a functioning hip.

  • Not hurting. Even on my good days, there is still pain. It is just that it is so much less than excruciating that it almost feels like a party.
  • Sitting
  • Snuggling up on the couch with my babies.
  • Having meals with my family where I can see their faces and carry on a conversation
  • Being able to bounce around with excitement
  • Holding Annesley
  • Playing outside with my children
  • Sex
  • Sitting with my family during church
  • Talking about other things than my hip
  • Not thinking about how to plan out my days to accomplish what needs to be done before my hip gives out for the day
  • Riding my bike
  • Doing back handsprings
  • Laying next to Richard comfortably
  • Fall canning
  • Driving myself wherever I want to go
  • Getting my socks off all by myself
  • Being a person who can be counted on to serve others
  • Scrubbing my kitchen floor
  • Knowing my body can do anything I ask it to
  • Mowing the lawn
  • Carrying heavy loads
  • Going to a movie
  • Having a body that is in sync with my exuberant personality

I miss those things. Badly. I want them back.

I am also grateful for some things.

  • The opportunity to be served so generously and thoroughly by friends who truly love me.
  • The privilege to be called of God to do my genealogy.
  • The patience and tenderness of my husband.
  • The nurturing my children have given me.
  • The windows of time where I can move faster, stay on my feet longer, and hurt less.
  • The encouraging words, smiles, and hugs that so many people bless me with.
  • Annesley’s proficiency at making PB & J.
  • A bathtub I can soak in.
  • A water heater that is clinging on to life and still gives us a little hot water each day.
  • A vehicle that I can drive short distances if I configure the seats just so. Gangster style.
  • The health of my children. We haven’t been hit with a big illness since I was injured…such a blessing!
  • Richard’s energy work. It takes away the pain like nothing else. I don’t know where I would be without his almost nightly hip sessions.
  • My Savior. I know I am in His hands.

Does that make any sense? To have a heart chock-full and spilling over with gratitude and at the same time to be SO DONE with the pain and ready to be healed? Will I not be healed till there is only gratitude? Please tell me no, because otherwise it might be awhile till I can only see the good.

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  1. I am so sorry that you are still suffering so much. You are in my prayers.

  2. Anne

    Oh, my gosh, my heart is so broken for you. I wish I could somehow fix all of this for you!

  3. Vanessa

    I am so sorry- it is easy to think you are so much better because you really put on a happy face everywhere you go. I mean, you still manage to give out nice compliments and say hello to my children, mentor classes, teach gym etc. That is a lot of stuff to miss out on! Through my health struggles, and watching others with theirs, my brilliant conclusion is that it is really hard sometimes to be mortal. I know there are times that it is wondrous and blissful- but at other times living in a fallen physical state is hard! Harder on some then others. Yet I know we chose to come to these bodies even though we knew they would be less than perfect and some would be diseased and broken. I know the 1/3 without bodies would give anything to be in a deformed body. I try to remember these things when I feel down about my health. I know because of this I will appreciate my resurrected body much more someday! I think it is okay for you to grieve all you are missing out on- at the same time things can make you bitter or better- and I would definitely say you have let this make you better- I don’t see you as bitter at all! You are an inspiration to me for sure! Hang in there!

  4. Your gratitude is contageous. I was actually angry with my husband when I sat down to read your posts last night. But after reading I felt stupid and selfish, went and apologized and snuggled up. It’s good to be grateful for all that we have, to not harbor negative feelings and move on. You are a great example of that. I am so sorry for your pain. I pray that you keep healing and getting the help you need. Aloha.

    • tracy

      Aaahhhh Sally, you are a breath of fresh air into my life. I’m thrilled to pieces that something in my words helped your heart to soften and snuggles to commence!

      I SO wish you could fly over from Aloha-land to teach a class at Make It For Maggie!