two years

Feb 20, 2014

February 20.

Two years.

A myriad of emotions, thoughts, worries, and gratitudes.

That day there was snow.

This day there are blue skies and sunshine.

That day there was through-the-roof-pain.

This day there is soreness.

That day I felt strong and powerful and loving. I was doing something my daughter desperately wanted to do and my body was capable of doing it.

This day I am trying to feel strong and powerful and most of all, loving, but a huge part of me feels broken and tired. Somedays I succeed at letting my love shine through to the people I love, and sometimes I really don’t feel or behave loving at all.

That day I could see Keziah and I entering a triathlon, working our butts off, having an activity we could do together for the rest of our lives.

This day I don’t know what I see. I am trying to see a strong, vibrant body doing the things I love, but it is a blurry picture.

That day was full of determination to run further and longer.

This day is full of determination to heal, endure, and believe.

That day I was blind to the journey I was about to embark on.

This day I can see and I don’t always like the view.

That day my husband had to pick me up and carry my body to bed.

This day his strength, hope, faith, rock-solid goodness, patience, and sense of humor have carried me for the past two years.

That day I didn’t know how much goodness there is in the world.

This day I know this world is full of kindness, generosity, compassion, and miracles and my heart quivers with the full-blown love I am surrounded with.

That day I didn’t know my heart needed healing.

This day I beg the Lord to take my heart.

That day my body could do anything I asked of it – a back flip, a bike ride, climbing the rope, walking the beam, twisting, turning, jumping with joy.

This day my body can do very little.

That day I didn’t know I have a genetic disorder that forms defective collagen.

This day I know that collagen effects every aspect of our bodies, my body is not held together in any sort of normal fashion, and pain and injury could make up a large part of my life.

That day a part of me died.

This day I am learning how to live.

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  1. Beautiful.

    • tracy

      Oh Kat, there are no words to express my love for you…just heart shaped tears of gratitude for the beautiful sunshine you bless me with.

  2. Tam

    Love you!

    • tracy

      How many weeks are we at till I get to be wrapped up in your arms???? Love you forever and always and inside and out.

  3. Kami

    That was beautifully spoken. Of course we will continue to pray for you. We love you, and have been strengthened by your example.
    Love you.

    • tracy

      Kami, I love you and your precious family. Thank you for all the help the past few weeks! Keep praying – it is working!

  4. As always you are in my prayers.

    • tracy

      Mary Ann, love you, love you, love you!

  5. April

    I love you. I am sorry the journey is so difficult and long. I am sorry it is so different from the one you planned and expected. I pray every day for you.

    • tracy

      Oh April, I miss you! Thank you so much for your prayers!

  6. What a very beautiful, honest attitude. So glad to know you.

    • tracy

      I try to be honest here at WOK, but sometimes it must get super depressing for my readers. I love you so much Tasha – thank you for being such dear friends with us.

  7. Melissa Lombardo

    Love you Tracy! I think someday you will have a clear picture of the hundreds and probably more like thousands of people you’ve touched and continue to touch. You have a gift with words and you use them to inspire. We will continue to pray for you.

    • tracy

      Love you Melissa! I love knowing your precious family is praying for me. Give those kiddos a squeeze from Miss Tracy!

  8. Beckie Niederer

    Dearest Tracy,
    Thank you for you honesty and steadfastness in battling your health issues. You are an inspiration of hope and beauty to all who watch from a distance. May you continue to let your light shine bright and know that you are loved by many! God bless you!

    • tracy

      Oh Beckie! I have always loved you. Thank you for sending rays of hope and encouragement!

  9. Rebecca W.

    My heart aches for you. I don’t want you to be broken! Breaking hurts so much! But, I deeply trust in The Lord. However it works out, you will be better for it. We ALL will be better for it! I Love you, hope for you, pray for you!

    • tracy

      Rebecca, oh, how I love you! I deeply trust in the Lord too. Sometimes it is hard to keep that trust at the forefront of my mind, but it is always inside me and is what gets me through the hard days. Love you!

  10. Marie Creager

    Thank you for your invite for our family to include you in our prayers. It is our privilege and honor. Much love to you and your family!

    • tracy

      Thank you Marie, you are such a dear, dear woman. Love you!

  11. Carol Jensen

    It is your privilege to know the Lord in a deep and personal way through your physical battles. It is a price worth paying. I am honored to know you and to be touched by your faith and courage. Your hope helps others to press forward.

    • tracy

      Carol, thank you for your encouraging words. Hearing from friends far and near helps me so much. If I could make the choice to go back two years and not get on this roller coaster ride, I don’t think I would make that choice. The sweet spiritual experiences the Lord has blessed me with are far too precious to give up.