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who knew the hammock was the answer?

Sep 14, 2014 by tracy

Late in the afternoon, I looked at my trees and I looked at my yard and I looked at my Annesley who was busy entertaining herself by trying on every fancy dress-up in the house and twirling around, and I said “Do you want to meet me in the hammock for some snuggle time?”

Her eyes lit up and she stripped out of her layers of taffeta and rushed outside to the hammock. I grabbed Blueberries For Sal and went out for my very first hammock swing in our yard.

We snuggled for awhile, then Rosie-Tigris, Annes’ kitten, joined us for more snuggles. We read all about Little Sal and Little Bear getting lost on Blueberry Hill while their mothers were picking blueberries. I talked to her about Aidan and his soon-to-be-occurring death. She asked me all about the car accident and if I was in an accident when she was in my uterus. We snuggled and laughed and kissed and connected. Connection was exactly what we both needed. After a long while, I asked her to go get some hummus and pitas for a hammock picnic.

Yesterday was a hard day. I spent much of it crying and not accomplishing much from my very long to-do list. But the magic of a hammock turned it around. Rubbing my little one’s back while her cheek rested on my shoulder filled my aching heart up with just the right amount of love.

And filled her up too.

Connection, it makes all the difference.

ten years later

Sep 13, 2014 by tracy

Ten years ago today I took Blythe and Keziah to their Kindermusik class. It was a lovely September afternoon, just like this one. My very round, 40 week pregnant belly was barely able to fit behind the wheel of our 1989 Suburban, a metal tank we loved dearly.

On the way home, an 80 year old man ran a stop sign and T-boned into me going about 50 mph. The hood of his car was smashed into the backseat of his little Honda Civic. My suburban was dented, but still drivable. It’s size and strength totally made the difference that day. Our girls were fine. The car hit right into me and I didn’t fare so well.

My already extremely loose pelvis was injured. We didn’t know what was wrong yet, but we knew I was in horrific pain. I couldn’t walk.

An OB visit revealed that the uterine ligaments were torn, my pelvis was a hot mess of shifted bones, and my baby was in good condition.

A few days later I gave birth to Fisher. I cannot describe the pain of that week. It is beyond words.

The pain of the next two years took my breath away and broke me down to tears over and over again. Slowly but surely, through chiropractic care, lots of patience, supplements, and exercise, I was able to get my life back. Eventually I could vacuum, sweep, walk up and down stairs, and ride my recumbent. Thinking I was doing pretty well, I closed the claim with the man’s insurance company and moved on with life.

But my pelvis never recovered. It has never been the same. Scar tissue. Pain. Dislocations. All of it became a normal part of life for me. But I could still function well. Do back handsprings. Ride my bike. Swim. Run. Jump on the trampoline. Play volleyball. Richard got really good at putting my hips back into place and it seemed like the pesky little things were totally livable.

But the damage to my pelvis came back to haunt me when my labrum tore in February 2012. As the months wore on and more and more injuries occurred and we started dealing with the adhesions from the car accident, I could feel my anger from the accident growing. “Why did that man run that stop sign?” “Why did he lie about it?” “Doesn’t he have any idea how he has changed my life forever?” “Why, oh why, did I close the case? I should have settled for piles of pennies to pay for all these medical bills that I should have known were coming!”

God has blessed me with a lot of emotional and spiritual healing during this whole journey. The anger is gone…at least mostly, there are days it still flares up, but my heart has stopped asking “why” and has accepted what is.

But today on this 10th anniversary of the car accident, I am filled with tears. I can’t stop crying. Parts of me are so, so grateful for the past ten years of learning, of pain, of blessings and parts of me are simply devastated for the path my life has taken. Devastated that my little children can’t even remember a mother who was capable of running with them in the yard or going on a bike ride with them. Devastated that so much of the past ten years has been spent taking care of me. Devastated that “I” cost so much to take care of. Devastated that that beautiful, beautiful sunshiny September day ended in an accident that has had such far-reaching consequences.

So, today I reached out to my friend Rachel whose son Aidan is dying. His spirit will leave this life today or tomorrow. I took her some food and went and held her in my arms as we both cried. I held Aidan’s hand for the last time and did my best to surround her with my love and the love of her Father.

I stopped at some little ones’ lemonade stand and gave them my nickels for a tinsy cup of lemonade and a bucketful of joy.

I stared out the window at the blue, blue sky and marveled at the gift of peace my trees give to me.

And I cried.

success

Sep 11, 2014 by tracy

We are settling into our new routines and it doesn’t seem quite as painful to get up at 6:00 in the morning as it did two weeks ago. Learning time has been going really well this week and my “life is terrible” child has made some attitude adjustments. Now I just need to figure out how to get all my study time in for my Worldviews class, find some time for long soaking sessions in the tub, get a haircut, find some time to get ready each day (I certainly don’t want to get up any earlier just to get ready!) and we will be set. I also made two yummy meals this week, brown butter spaghetti and Kat’s Lentil Tacos. Super duper amazing for me.

This new routine is not a minor adjustment, it is a monumental shift in the operations of our home. It is going to take some time for all of us to be really good at getting up and being cheerful, but we are doing it and I want to shout from the rooftops how proud I am of us. Especially my Keziah. She has had huge adjustments in the past few weeks. She walks out the door for seminary at 6:25 which means she has to get up (all on her own, cause I am sure not waking up to wake her up!) at 5:30. By the time scripture reading happens at 6:00, she is dressed cute as a button, has her hair done, and is participating in scripture reading better than she has for the past several years. On top of all of that, she has pretty massive amounts of schoolwork, violin practice, and either cross-country practice or a meet every day. She spent the entire summer babysitting for a family in our town and now moved right into a busy fall schedule with even more being expected of her. I couldn’t be more proud of how well she has stepped up to the plate – she is being kinder, more cheerful, and getting her long list of to-dos done every day. Her sassiness is becoming a bit less caustic and a bit more humorous. Hallelujah! Her love language is gifts so I am going to start looking for some small presents to surprise her with on those days she knocks our socks off with awesomeness.

So give us some high fives when you see us, we are actually making progress.

first day

Sep 3, 2014 by tracy

Today is the first day of iFAMILY. We have had morning scripture study in the dark at 6:15. Whoa. This is a big change. The last week or so has been full of changes: revamping our mornings to have morning scripture study and prayer (and MUCH less sleep), revamping our nights with MUCH earlier bedtimes, Blythe’s new job started on Monday, Richard started back on his school schedule on Tuesday AND he is at a new school this year, Keziah starting seminary this morning, and now iFAMILY starts today.

We also have been switching up things in our home. We have been needing to reorganize our books and learning area and for months I have been pouring over classified ads for a used 5 x 5 Expedit. They are not made anymore and most of the used ones for sale are either in terrible shape or exorbitantly priced due to the whole supply and demand thing, so we have been searching all summer for one in good shape AND reasonably priced. Friday I scored and found one in near perfect condition for only $100. Wahoo! So Richard and I spent all day Monday traveling to Utah to pick it up and get it home in one piece, which let me tell you is far easier said than done. Let’s just say it is no longer in near perfect condition.

Yesterday the three youngest and I moved bookshelves, hundreds of books, and reworked our learning area to fit our needs for this year. We gained about 150″ of shelf space with the Expedit, then gained a whole lot more when I removed all the board books from our shelves to put away for safekeeping until I have grandchildren who will need them. Then we gained even more space when I purged several large stacks of books we don’t need or use. Right now I have over 100″ of shelf space left to work with in the school room, 45″ in the sewing room, and 48″ on the kitchen bookshelf. Over the next several weeks I am going to figure out how to best use this new space to meet our needs.

We were also able to move Fisher’s (ugly as heck, but totally useful) building table back into the school room (it has been in his hallway, blocking much of the entrance to his room and not been very usable). He needs a space to build while I am reading and having a table makes it so much easier and contained than him taking over the whole floor each day.

Anyway, back to iFAMILY. I am excited to get back into the swing of things and our children are over the moon excited to dive into learning with their friends. I am excited to take my Worldviews students on a journey of hard work and deep thoughts. I am excited to share all my math games with a new group of young people. This year is going to be fun and rewarding and full of great things.

BUT I AM NOT READY FOR SUMMER TO END.

I am not. I need a few more weeks (months?) of sunshine and relaxed schedules and my sweetie. I need early morning sunrises and warm afternoons. I need to go camping a few more times and see my little ones reel in a fish. I need to have snuggle time with Richard in the morning.

But it is time to move into fall with its shorter days, crisper nights, and a pretty tight schedule for all of us. Hmmm, how to wrap my heart around these changes and move forward with gladness instead of clinging to the joy of summer?

Clinging or not, it is time to shower and get ready for this long-awaited day.

belle

Aug 27, 2014 by tracy

I did something yesterday that felt like me…the old me that is getting harder for me to remember.

May came and went and it never came to my corner of Idaho. June and Jult came and went as well and the closest it ever got to me was 3 1/2 hours south. I tried desperately to figure out a way to see it in Salt Lake or Boise, but every possibility I came up with would not work out. Then we went camping and by the time we got back it was long gone from the few theaters it played in.

I looked up its DVD release date and found out it was August 26. I knew I wanted to see it on the big screen, but decided I would have to settle for watching it on my computer.

That lasted about one second. I couldn’t BEAR to watch it on the computer! So, I started calling all the theaters within an hour radius to ~~ask~~ beg them to rent me a theater. I found one that said they would do it for $250 +$3 admission. I decided I would go with that one and would have to get 100 people to attend and pay $6. Hmmm, seemed a bit challenging, but I was completely determined to make it happen. Then I found a theater that would charge me a $30 rental price and no admission if I did it this week. Huzzah!

Just one problem. Well, two actually. I didn’t actually own the movie yet since was being released that very day. And two, I needed to do it that very night, in just a few short hours, if I wanted Richard, Blythe, and Keziah to attend…which, of course, I did.

So, I got to work and called all over the place and luckily found the movie for sale. Then I started inviting basically everyone I knew. Richard went and picked up the movie and I called. emailed, and Facebooked everyone in the tri-state area.

And people started responding which made my heart sing. It can be scary to organize an event and take the risk of no one catching your vision and joining in.

Piles of joy, my friends. We had 54 people come and party with us with heaps of popcorn, a few tears, and lots and lots of hugs.

It felt good. Really good. I love bringing people together and making the world a better place. I used to do this kind of thing all the time, but have drastically scaled back since I was injured.

It’s nice to know the spontaneous, fun-loving party girl is still inside me somewhere.

Favorite lines? YES, so many of them.

What is right can never be impossible!

My greatest misfortune, would be to marry into a family that would carry me as their shame.

How can I be too high of rank to dine with the servants, but too low of rank to dine with my own family?

You are above reducing yourself for the sake of rank.

Laws that allow us to diminish the humanity of anybody are not laws.

You break every rule when it matters enough, papa. I am the evidence.

If you haven’t seen Belle, watch it…because oh my, it is so, so good. I loved it and so did everyone else at my party. Now available on DVD or instant download at Amazon and probably a bajillion other places.

morning is soooo early

Aug 26, 2014 by tracy

Mornings are not my thing. They have never been my thing. I thoroughly enjoy seeing the sun rise in all its splendor, but even that beauty along with the peace and quiet that comes in the early hours is not enough to make me get out of bed.

For years I have tried to get out of bed earlier. I have tried alarms, reward programs, punishment programs, positive self-talk, begged Richard to drag me out of bed, and lots of other approaches to get me up in the wee hours of the day, but none of it has worked.

On the flip side of all this is some challenging evening schedules. For the past several years, our older girls have been involved in activities in the evening and our family scripture reading and read-alouds have really suffered. They have both been gone on Tuesdays for mutual (youth program at church), Blythe has been gone on Wednesdays for ballet and Thursdays for symphony, she gets home both nights around 9:30. I don’t know for sure what her schedule is going to be this year, but I know our evenings need changed. My little ones need to go to bed earlier than they have been and we need to not squeeze scripture reading in around the edges of our lives.

So, we are making a new tradition…morning scripture reading. I know lots of people do this successfully and others do it not so successfully (kids are asleep or only a few verses are read in the midst of the mad-rush out the door), but even doing it not so successfully has seemed an absolute impossibility to us before now.

Sunday at Family Council we made a new plan to have family scripture reading at 6:25 in the morning before Keziah leaves for seminary at 6:45. She will need to be all ready for the day before that point and the rest of us will need to alert…not just conscious, but alert. I cannot bear to have scripture study with semi-comatose children (or self!) – it is too important to me to do it in a check-off-the-list manner and not an actual learn and grow manner.

So we started Monday morning easing in to our new plan. Seminary doesn’t start till the 3rd, so are giving ourselves some time to work into the 6:25 dealio. The last two days we have had a high-quality scripture reading at 7:15, huzzah!

I did yawn all day long yesterday and I was ready to crash at 9:00 p.m., but I made it through without a nap. This probably seems like no big deal to those of you who get up early all the time, but to me it is like climbing Mt. Everest. Seriously difficult stuff here.

in his hands

Aug 14, 2014 by tracy

Our suburban’s transfer case broke back on June 28 on our way home from Utah. The bill was $2100. $2100 which we didn’t have and couldn’t see any way of getting. We started selling things to pay for it and were able to sell enough stuff and use some from our summer savings account (our money set aside during the school year to make it until October when Richard gets paid from the school district again) to pay for the repair.

Well, when we returned home from camping, I did all the math for the next two months and knew we weren’t going to make it until payday in mid-October. We needed the $800 from the summer savings account. So I started putting energy into selling more things and planning out some classes to teach.

This morning, I woke up and knew the Duplo table had to sell. I had listed it back when the suburban broke down and it didn’t sell. I wasn’t willing to do garage sale prices on it because it is worth a lot of money (and worth a lot of emotional pennies to me as well), but many people are only willing to pay thrift store prices, so no one was interested in my $350 Duplo collection. Well, I prayed. I asked God to please send my ad to a person who would be blessed by my Duplos AND be willing to pay for them.

And he did.

It is sold, paid for, and taken to its new home.

Yes, I believe in a God of miracles. I tried to sell it on my own for a month with not a single taker. Today, after praying for help, it sold in just a few short hours. He is taking care of us.

p.s. I am so, so grateful they sold and know they are going to a home where they will be well-loved and cared for, but I find myself a bit teary-eyed…saying goodbye to our duplos is saying goodbye to an era of little ones. My babies are growing up and it feels like my heart is being torn in two.

safe and sound

Aug 12, 2014 by tracy

I need to take the time to write a whole post about my two weeks in the mountains, but since that probably won’t get done for a few more days, I wanted to let y’all know I am home safe and sound.

Here are a few itty-bitty updates until I can get a real post written.

I fell in the shower a few days before I left and hurt my knee…well, actually I hurt lots of parts of me, but my knee was hurt the worst and it is still hurting the worst. I babied it while I was gone and unfortunately it is still hurting. I am gearing myself up for another 12-16 weeks healing time.
My mom fell while we were camping and hurt her knee really badly. She had her MRI today and we will get the results tomorrow. I’m pretty sure she is heading for surgery soon.
Our summer read-aloud is so fun! Everyone needs to run and beg, borrow, or ~~steal~~ buy The Wingfeather Saga TODAY. Oh, my goodness, I love it so much. I am on book four (tempted to stay up all night tonight to finish reading the last 200 pages) and as a family we are almost done with book two.
Due to the state of my knee and my noble efforts to baby it, unpacking is going very, very slowly. We have been working our way through the laundry and tomorrow we must conquer the food (yes, mom, the cooler stuff was put away days ago, it is just the totes that need emptied) and then Blythe will need to vacuum out the suburban.
I am almost ready to launch my new website/business/effort to change the world. Wahoo!
Richard got a contract with the school district again. Wahoo!
Three weeks until iFAMILY starts. I am working on finalizing everything for my awesome-sauce Worldviews class.

Time to get back to The Warden and The Wolf King. Now that I don’t have to use a flashlight to read at night, it is time for some midnight reading.

my mountains are calling

Jul 24, 2014 by tracy

I have a special place I escape to each summer. The air seeps into my soul and renews me, centers me, brings me back to what matters most. The mountains give me strength and courage to face whatever life throws my way. The water, so crisp and clear, surrounds me with a healing balm of refreshment.

The memories of my grandparents loving these mountains and caring for the people who came to camp there fill me with peace. They nurtured the land, the visitors, and most of all, their grandchildren who came to stay with them in the big lodge on the hill. I was blessed to be one of the children who stayed with them for weeks on end and was able to learn to work and play and love under their tutelage.

My children have gone camping here every summer of their lives. It is their special place too. Almost all of Blythe’s birthdays have been celebrated in the mountains we love. This year she will turn 18. It might be the last birthday we have up there for a few years. Who knows where she will be and what she will be doing on her 19th, 20th, or 21st? I’m sure she will come back and join us sometimes, but this is probably the last trip from this phase of our lives with all of our children together.

Today is packing and grocery shopping and loading so we can pull out bright and early tomorrow morning. It is time to breathe the air that fills my soul.

the tooth fairy is coming

Jul 7, 2014 by tracy

Goodbye little girl with a smile full of baby teeth.

She lost a bottom tooth on Saturday night and her top two front teeth are super loose, they will be coming out soon. I actually have no idea how they are still in there – the one on the right can twist clear around in circles.

Every single milestone brings a big sigh of bittersweet emotions from my soul. Seeing her lose her baby cheeks, her teeth, and her little girlness is so stinkin’ hard. I never thought I would have a home without a baby or a toddler – and now I am full blown into the lose-the-teeth stage for the last time. I want to ask the tooth fairy to hide piles of money under her pillow – surely having Annes hit the jackpot will assuage my heartbreak?

I was supposed to have a gazillion children and while I am so grateful for my four, each “last-time” feels like a knife wound.

It seems silly to cry over teeth, but I think I might.

please keep running sentra

Jul 1, 2014 by tracy

The broken Subaru story has now expanded to a broken Subaru + a broken Suburban. On our way home from Utah on Saturday night, we started hearing a horrible grinding sound coming from the driver’s side axle area. We pulled over, did some investigation in the dark with cars whizzing by us at 80 mph, and decided we had to baby it to the next exit so we could get off the side of the road.

We figured it had to be the u-joints or the transfer case and shouldn’t drive it further. We started making phone calls, waking people up in the middle of the night, and were able to find some superheroes wearing their capes. Tami quickly found us a hotel room and a ride to get there. Unfortunately, when we got to the hotel it was full – her reservation had been made after midnight, so it bumped us to checking in that afternoon after 4:00 – and there were no rooms available to sleep in right then. Nor were there rooms at any other hotels within a 20 mile radius.

So, this dear woman who picked us up, a sister of my friend Boo, took us to her home in the middle of the night and let us crash on her floor. She had just gotten home that night from a cross-country road trip and needed to be sound asleep herself, but she came and rescued our little family and gave us a safe, warm place to sleep. I need to find out what her favorite treat is and send her a pile of them.

The next morning, Tami came and got us, took us back to the broken Suburban so it could be towed, and then drove us the 2+ hours home. Superhero, that girl is!

The repair shop called and said it is the transfer case. Ouch. $2100 bill. So, we are figuring out everything we can sell to come up with enough money. And lovely things are happening! Yesterday, we got a refund check of $215 from our mortgage company for an overpayment of escrow! Never in all our years of having a mortgage have we received a check. I about fell on the floor when I read the words. A woman came and bought our lovely Apple Gathering painting that hangs in our front room and left an extra $50 for it. I sold a set of books for $145. Today I will list our beloved Duplo table with all 645 pieces we meticulously counted last night. Today I will be combing my house to come up with other things I can sell and slowly, but surely we will get there. The treadmill is next on the list, hmmm, what else is here that can get us some cash?

For now, we are stuck at our house and crossing our fingers the part for the Subaru comes in today so Richard can fix it tonight. Thank goodness his little Nissan is still chugging along so he can get to work!

first day at the lake

Jun 25, 2014 by tracy

A day at the lake watching my little ones run and swim and giggle is exactly what I needed today. I have been working non-stop on my new website and the iFamily schedule and website all week. Today we took advantage of the sun and windless skies to go to the lake for the first time of the summer.

And it was perfect.

They played on our one working inner tube, built sandcastles, searched for frogs and snakes, swam underwater, and ran around like little children without a care in the world. Just like they should.

I laid in my chair and read a book and smiled as I watched them squeal with delight.

Oh, I love mothering!

p.s. Yes, a post about trek is coming. Yes, my jaw is improving. Yes, I am doing well this week. Yes, I will be at the reunion…these are all for my dear mama who keeps asking me, but doesn’t want to pester me. Love you mama…see you in a few days.

loveliness on a summer morn

Jun 23, 2014 by tracy

Oh my, ten days without posting. Besides the fact (haha) that you are missing my words, it is entirely unhealthy for me to go that long without processing my thoughts through writing. Note to self: for a healthier psyche, write, write, write.

The sun is shining through my eastern window, filling my bedroom with fresh morning light. The sky is a radiant blue. The trees are full of cotton, which normally blows all around our yard like a soft-summer snowstorm, but this morning, in the stillness, the cotton hangs in the trees waiting for a breeze to release it. I hear the sprinklers shooting water all over the lawn, the chitch-chitch-chitch sounds of the rotating heads bringing order to my morning.

And all of this brings me hope. The morning comes. A new week is here with the promise of possibility. A clean slate waiting to be written upon.

This week I have a few goals.

Remember to be a fun mom.
Smile…a whole lot.
Get outside every single day. I can’t even tell you how many days I have spent living in this house. In this bedroom. I need to soak the summer air into my soul.
Figure out what classes I am teaching at iFamily (or not!)
Make the iFamily schedule.
Get the iFamily website done.
Get my new business website done.
Start a new read-aloud with Fisher and Annes…yes, we finally finished Hanne!
Make a decision about gymnastics for this fall.
Get my bedroom clean.
Get Richard’s summer special for SimplyHealed on his website.
Spend an hour every morning doing genealogy.
Organize my new school basket with Fisher’s and Annesley’s daily learning materials.
Spread joy.
Introduce our Happy Jar.
Rearrange and give the upstairs living areas a deep (overdue) spring cleaning.
Finish reading My Name Used To Be Muhammed
Find a location to hold my new classes on How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

My jaw is improving, I can eat soft foods instead of drinking everything. Talking doesn’t hurt as much as it did a few weeks ago. Smiling is still pretty painful and laughter really hurts, but I will gladly take this over the condition it was in three weeks ago. My ankle is improving, still taped, and still limping a bit, but it is not hurting as much. If no other injuries happen, I will be able to start riding my awesome Elliptigo in the next few weeks.

Blessings abound.

best catch of my life

Jun 7, 2014 by tracy

We always like to go out on a date on June 7 to commemorate our first date back in 1993. Instead I have spent the day in bed and Richard has spent the day at work. I am pretty bummed to be spending this evening alone. But I am not up to an out-of-the-house date. My foot is pretty tender from the fall in the hidden hole on Monday and I am trying to rest it as much as possible to help its healing be speedy (haha, is anything speedy with my healing?) and my whole head is miserable. My teeth ache and feel like they are falling out. My jaw feels like it is in a vice grip and my head feels like it has a football helmet on that is 48 sizes to small.

I certainly don’t want to get fancied up and since I can’t eat anything but pureed liquids, we are a bit limited on our restaurant choices. So I told my sweetie to go fishing. He needs a night on the river so he can clear his mind of the jaw situation for a few hours. The water lapping the shore and the casting back and forth fills his soul with calmness, patience, and strength…all of which we are going to need in the days to come, so I told him to go and not feel bad about it being June 7, just go and soak up a river of courage.

Back on that first June 7, I asked him to take me fishing knowing full well the weather was bad and it was getting late in the day. He asked if there was any way he could take me to a movie and dinner instead and take me fishing the next time we had the night off. Yes sir, that is just what I was hoping for! I often tell him that instead of catching fish that night, we caught each other…best catch of our lives.

My cousin Melissa was at Swim Camp with me and one day during one of my many crying fests over the whole jaw situation she said something like “Tracy, you may feel flawed and like you’re not mothering the way you wish, but you nailed the most important decision of your life in who to marry. You are giving your children a priceless gift – they get to experience a loving, beautiful, faithful, and faith-filled marriage. What a gift!” She is right. I am terribly flawed and I struggle so much with simple kindness, but my marriage is one thing I did right. God led me right to this amazing man and with a heart full of faith I allowed myself to trust that marriage really could last forever and be full of love, safety, and oneness. It took me a few years of marriage to be fully convinced that marriage could be good and a few more years for my wounded heart to be healed, but from the first moment I met him I followed the Spirit and let God lead me into sacred covenants with this good, good man.

I could have married a crazy high school boyfriend who was full of manipulation, abuse, and all sorts of psycho-mumbo-jumbo. I easily could have married my Baptist best friend, but it would have meant leaving my religion and joining his and though I loved him with my whole heart, I couldn’t bring myself to walk away from my testimony. Instead I walked away from a full-ride scholarship to the college he was attending so I wouldn’t be near him anymore. It was too painful to care for someone so deeply and not be united in faith together. I always hoped to marry another dear friend who left on a mission for our church that summer. And a HUGE part of me decided to never marry anyone. My walls were several feet thick and I was determined to keep them that way so my heart would never break again. I had already decided at that tender age of nineteen that no man would ever hurt me again. No man would ever tell me what to do and get away with it. No man would rape me, boss me, hit me, and live to see the light of day. I was angry and damaged and had little desire to change. But I had also made baptismal covenants with my Heavenly Father. I had decided as a young girl to get married in the Salt Lake Temple. I knew God loved me and had a plan for me and deep down inside I wanted to trust Him, but I didn’t know how to let down my walls.

Then God gave me Richard. The instant I saw him I knew I would marry him. I can’t describe the serenity and stability I felt in his presence…kind of like being wrapped up in a blanket of warmth and safety in the most loving embrace imaginable.

I trusted that feeling. But I still had to fight the demons of fear and anger and walls and grief. I had to decide that I believed a marriage didn’t have to end in divorce, that all men didn’t cheat on their wives, that all men wouldn’t hit their wives, that the song “Families Can Be Together Forever” wasn’t just a fairytale. It took years for those demons to finally be slayed. God walked with me every step of the way and Richard’s pervasive goodness taught me what love really looks like.

Melissa is right. The one thing that really matters and makes all the difference is my marriage to Richard. I cannot imagine going through this life, and especially these physical challenges without him by my side.

p.s. He just called – he is off the river and bringing some curry home to share with me. Happy first date sweetheart.

happy mother’s day

May 11, 2014 by tracy

Mother’s Day was a mixed bag of emotions for me today. On the one hand, I am so, so grateful to be a mother. On the other hand, I am feeling like a failure in the mothering department right now. I can’t do the things I want to do because my body simply won’t let me. Right now I can’t even drive myself anywhere. My fuse is short. My house is a mess. My emotions are up and down and all around.

And my poor children never know what to expect from one day to the next. One day, mom can take them to the park, the next day she is down in bed or passed out on the floor or grumpy as all get out. It has to be incredibly hard on them and while I hope it is forming them into resilient, service-oriented people, I worry they will look back on their childhoods and feel neglected and/or unappreciated.

So, this morning, I didn’t really want to go to church and hear how wonderful motherhood is or how some sister is the most amazing mother ever. I wasn’t up to hearing the accolades and knowing they currently don’t apply to me.

But I took a long bath and thanked God for my children and my life and the amazing blessings of my life. And then I put a dress on and walked out the door with my not-so-cute-hair and my not-so-cute-outfit and my not-so-happy-heart and decided to worship my Savior and recommit to Him to be willing to take His name upon me.

And it worked. His spirit warmed my heart and filled me up with gratitude for my mothering efforts. I am not the mother I want to be and I wish things were different for our family, but really, we are doing the best we can in a pretty tough situation and I need to give myself some slack while also striving to nurture these precious souls with His love and His grace.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Thank you for loving and serving and teaching and creating and inspiring children everywhere.

And here is a note to my mama who is feeling less than the pinnacle of motherhood today as well:

Mom, I love you. More than words can ever express, I love you. You are a wonderful mother and boy, howdy, and amazing grandma. I am so grateful for the privilege I have had to learn from you and be loved by you. I hope someday you will be able to let the guilt go. You did a wonderful job in spite of the circumstances you were in. Do you remember the many times you stayed up all night with me helping me with a school project I had procrastinated? Do you remember designing all my student council election campaign posters? And working for hours to hang them up? Do you remember all the love notes you slipped into my lunch? Do you remember all the prayers you have sent to Heaven on my behalf? Do you remember braiding my hair? Sewing my clothes? Laughing till we peed our pants? I love you. Always know, I love you and am grateful for you.

new calling

May 5, 2014 by tracy

Last week I received a new church calling. In our church we receive callings from a member of our local ward (geographic area of about 400 – 800 members) Bishop or from our Stake Presidency if it is a stake (group of 8-10 wards) I am now serving the Stake Primary Presidency as the secretary. The Primary is our organization for children up to age 12.

It is a tad (okay, a LOT) overwhelming to think of adding anything more to my life. I feel great peace about the calling and feel strongly that the Lord is asking me to serve His children in this way at this time. In spite of the peace, I also know that I am at my limit and my family is at their limit. Something or several things need to be let go to free up time, mental energy, physical strength, and spiritual guidance for this calling. It is going to require much of me and frankly, I don’t have much to give. Some hard choices need to be made and I don’t want to make them. I want to do EVERYTHING I want to do and I cannot. I am going to be spending the next while pondering and praying and getting really clear on what God wants me to do right now. My list is long: wifing (is that how you spell the act of being a good wife?), mothering, homeschooling, taking care of my body’s fairly complex needs with nutrition, supplements, exercise, rest, therapy, and careful planning, personal education, personal spiritual work, genealogy, iFamily Board duties, mentoring, gymnastics, colloquia, Swim Camp, other homeschool events that I love to plan, philanthropy, cooking, cleaning, friends, and church responsibilities. This is not a random list to see how long I can get it, this is a list of things I am anxiously engaged in right now, care about deeply, and spend much time and energy on. I know God will strengthen me and help me to accomplish His purposes, but I also know I need to make some difficult decisions.

I am pondering the words from my priesthood blessing yesterday and spending time listening to the impressions of the Spirit. My prayer is that God will teach me His will and then strengthen me to do what He asks.

Serving and loving and nurturing children is one of my very favorite things to do – I am excited to be an instrument in His hands in bringing children to drink from His well of living water, to help them feel safe and wanted and fed by the Spirit.

birds of a feather

Mar 23, 2014 by tracy

I have just spent eight days with my father. EIGHT WHOLE DAYS! This hasn’t happened since he lived with me when I was a little girl. I learned we have some things in common.

He likes raspberry shakes, I like raspberry shakes…this one I remember from when I was little, the other similarities were new discoveries.

He doesn’t like spicy salsa, I don’t like spicy salsa.

He likes to start his morning with protein, I like to start my morning with protein.

He prefers to sleep on his side, I prefer to sleep on my side.

He stays up way too late reading, I stay up way too late reading.

He is a fast walker, I am a fast walker…when my body is working.

He was a smart cookie in school, I was a smart cookie in school.

He loves ice cream, I love ice cream.

We both jump to conclusions quickly. We both are convinced we are right…about pretty much everything.

Anyone who knows me personally knows I have numbers spilling out of me…dates, mileage, prices, phone numbers, etc. Well, my dad does too! He told me about a snow storm across Nebraska that he drove through five years ago and said there were 419 cars off the side of the road. That is data I would have in my head as well. He knows and rattles off the mileage across states on I-80 and I-90. He is a numbers guy and I am a numbers girl. Who knew?

We find the same things beautiful.

These may seem like small things, but to me they are huge. Finding commonalities with my dad is helping my heart be more connected.

goodbye again

Mar 21, 2014 by tracy

The tears poured out of my soul as I watched him drive away this morning. I don’t know if I can let myself feel this much pain without breaking into a million pieces.

I remember the first time he left when I was 12. I chased after him and begged him to let me come with him. I collapsed in a heap of frustration, tears, and a broken heart when he refused and made me stay in Wyoming while he drove across the country to start a new life in a place I had never been.

I kind of felt the same way today – an urge to chase after him, a deep longing for my daddy to never, ever leave me again.

But he drove off anyway, to a life I am not a part of. And I can’t stop crying at the pain, the little girl pain and the grown-up woman pain all mixed together in one big torrent of tears.

It all started three weeks ago when he called and said he was going to come visit us on his way back from a cross-country goose delivery to California. He made this same trip in January 2009 and visited us then as well, meeting our children for the first time. Last Wednesday, he called and said he was on I-80 traveling across Wyoming. When we hung up, a voice whispered to my mind, “Call him back, see if he can wait for you in SLC, and let you ride with him to California.” I quickly dismissed the idea as ludicrous. First, how would my body handle being in a vehicle for that many miles and hours. Second, what on earth would we talk about? We have only seen each other eight times in the past 28 years and one time in the past 18 years…that 2009 visit. Third, what would happen if I pass out or start shaking or my hip dislocates. Fourth, what would my family do without me for several days? Fifth, what if he doesn’t want to be with me? All these questions and many more swirled through my head and heart. I decided it was a completely ridiculous idea, but the thought wouldn’t leave my head so I finally called Richard to talk to him about it, fully expecting him to agree with my assessment of the California road trip idea. But he didn’t. He thought it was brilliant and we should do whatever it took to make it happen.

After several more phone calls to various people I was sure would talk some sense into me, I freaked out, calmed down, and finally called my dad and asked him I could join him on his drive to deliver the geese. He seemed tickled pink and we made all the arrangements to make sure his truck would work for my body.

Bright and early the next morning, Sheri picked me up, took me to physical therapy, and drove me down to SLC to start the adventure of a lifetime. The last time I was with my dad in a one-on-one situation was 1986 when I was 12 years old. I didn’t know what to expect and I was scared and overwhelmed, but also determined to find the courage to do hard things and follow the prompting I received to go with him.

We had a wonderful time. I got to see beautiful country I have never seen before, hear all about my dad’s current life with his horses, and a little bit about his growing up life with his family. I was given a better picture of who he is, what he has been through, and what makes him the man he is. We laughed and cried and got to know each other again.

It was a gift wrapped up for me from my Heavenly Father. Three whole days with the man my world revolved around when I was little. Three whole days of connection and healing and understanding. I will treasure those three days for the rest of my life.

Then we came home and spent the past five days here with my family, playing games, eating ice cream, lots of talking, and helping my children get to know their grandfather. I’m sure the chaos of busy family life was a little much for him, but he handled it really well and spent most of his time chuckling at their individual personalities. He also became my personal handyman and went to work repairing a few of the many broken things in this house.

First he tackled the dryer that stopped heating recently. Yippee for laundry capabilities at home – no more sending Blythe to the laundromat or Kat sneaking in to take my laundry over to her house to do! Then the garbage disposal was replaced and the electrical switch repaired. Third, he fixed my poor screen door that has been hanging skeewampus and missing a screen for quite some time. I had no idea the local hardware store could replace the screening material and would do so for sixteen bucks. He even rearranged the panes so the screen section is on top and the glass is in the middle – that way the cats can’t rip the screening again. He replaced the door insulation strip so we don’t have cold air blowing in or heat leaving. (FYI, it’s not that Richard can’t do these things, he can…he just doesn’t have the time to get to all the things that need fixed.)

I have gone to bed every night with tears on my cheeks. Tears of sadness and tears of joy. It is wonderfully, fiercely hard to open my heart to all the emotions of my little girl self whose heart closed up the day he left us back in 1986. My entire being feels raw, but it is a good raw, a thawing that needs to occur to find the healing I so desperately need.

And now he is gone again. And I will cry some more and bury myself in Richard’s soft chest and warm arms and hope to see him again someday.

Goodbye Dad, I hope its not such a long time before I see you again. Every girl needs a dad.

the container

Mar 4, 2014 by tracy

“I love you bunches,” he said as he kissed me goodbye this morning. “Really?” I replied as I nuzzled my face closer for another kiss. “Yes, I love you,” he insisted. “But I am so broken,” I murmured back in my almost still dreaming voice. With more kisses on my cheeks and lips, he tried again, “Only your ligaments,” to which I retorted “and my cartilage and my bones and my blood vessels.” And then this gem escaped his lips and entered my heart and changed me forever, “Ah, but those aren’t important, they’re not you, they are only the container that holds you. You are so much more than your body.”

This man.

He takes my breath away with his kindness and goodness and patience.

And boy, howdy, I love him.

seven generations

Mar 3, 2014 by tracy

Yesterday we had a special stake conference with Elder Godoy of the Quorum of the Seventy. He talked a lot about family relationships. He asked us how long our family had been in the church…what generation of church members we are. I counted back and figured out I am the seventh generation member.

Oh my.

My heart swelled up with joy at the thought of being seventh. Keziah Keturah Van Bethuysen Rollins, James Henry Rollins, James Watson Rollins, George Leon Rollins, Myrtle Easton Rollins, Dorothy (my mama), and me!

Seven is my favorite number. It is sacred and oh, so very dear to my heart. I was born on the 7th at 7:00, weighed 7 lbs. and my mom was in the delivery room for seven minutes. In Hebrew, another one of my great loves, seven/sheva means holy, complete, covenant, fulfilled, perfection and basically everything good and wonderful you could ever think of. I am so in love with seven I gave one of my children the middle name of Sheva…really Elisheva…but we call her Sheva.

I have always been in awe of my seventh generation grandma on my mom’s side, Keziah. She lived a hard life of hard work, sacrifice, and great faith. I grew up hearing of her struggles and triumphs and decided early on to be just like her. She raised brave children willing to do hard things…she is the mother of James Henry, one of the Joseph Smith’s bodyguards who was with him at Richmond jail and on the Zion’s Camp march, and the mother of Mary Elizabeth and Caroline, the girls who rescued copies of scripture from an angry, violent mob and hid for hours in a corn field while the mob searched for them. I wanted to be a mother like Keziah who would raise righteous children who loved the Lord and would do whatever He asked of them.

I have a pretty strong spiritual connection to the seventh generation mama on my dad’s side, Barbara Bortner. I feel all warm and squishy towards her and can’t wait to meet her. Her two daughters, Anna Marie and Jane are grandmas of mine on both my dad’s paternal and maternal side.

So here I am. The seventh generation of people who sacrificed all they had to follow the direction of God. My deep-thoughts-with-Tracy has me asking myself these types of questions:

What legacy am I giving my children?
What is my duty to my ancestors?
What stories do my children need to hear to prepare them for their futures?
What character traits do I want my grandchildren raised with and what can I do now to pave the way for that to happen?
What can I do to nurture my children’s faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ?
How can I strengthen our family relationships?
What traditions will bind our family together?
How can I more fully bless Richard’s life?
What daily practices need to change in our home?
Why did God place me in these family lines?
Why did God give our children to us?
What does he want us to do with this sacred gift?
Do my children see love in my eyes?
Do they feel my love in their hearts?
What skills do they need to raise healthy, functioning families?
How can I more fully involve my children in family history?
Are my children being guided by the Holy Ghost?

I am going to spend some time pondering these questions and any more that come to my mind. Then I am going to act on the promptings I receive. Investing in my family is high priority for me. I am done surviving. I am done getting by. It is time to thrive as a family.

renewal

Mar 2, 2014 by tracy

Banner weekend! So many of my posts are dismal and depressing, but here is one full of cheer!

Good thing #1: I have a comfy mattress! Wahoo!!!! For the first time in a long, long, looonnngg time, neither of my shoulders shifted out of place in the night! I can’t even tell you how incredibly thrilled I am at this turn of events in our life!

Good thing #2: My father called on Friday afternoon and said he was going to come and see me in a few weeks! Oh my stinkin’ heck. I almost died of shock and then I got all giddy. I have seen my father very few times since he left our home when I was 12 – 1986, 1987, 1992, 1992, 1992, 1993, 1995, 1996, 2009. He saw a Blythe when she was a few months old and then not again until five years ago when she was thirteen. Our other three has met just once. So this is a big deal. A huge deal. I hope, hope, hope my foot is all better by then so I can be up and doing stuff with him.

Good thing #3: After days and days of being confined to the four walls of my bedroom in an effort to heal this foot quickly, my sweetie took me to the movie on Saturday night. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is laugh-out-loud hilarious with its witty lines, inspiring with its message of pursuing your dreams, and flat out brilliant. I adored it and can’t wait to see it again. Garlic fries and a peppercorn burger hit the spot after the movie and I think I am buoyed up for a few more days spent in bed.

Good thing #4: Much of Saturday was spent reading about William Wilberforce. Oh, I love that man! His courage to do what he felt called to do filled me with resolve to do what God has called me to do.

Good thing #5: Today we had a special conference for our stake and during the talks, I had a lot of thoughts about my relationship with Christ, my children, my wifehood, and the heritage of faith I want pass to my descendants. Lots of good messages and I am going to spend some time this week pondering what God would have me implement in my life.

So, a good weekend, full of light and love, fun family times and spiritual renewal. Now I can enter the next week with a cheerful heart and a lighter spirit.

more of that miss annes

Mar 2, 2014 by tracy

Our Annesley is growing up. I keep noticing all sorts of little things that say my baby girl is entering a new phase of her life. For one thing, she looks older. Her face is changing. I don’t really know how to describe it except to say it isn’t quite as cherubic as it used to be…thinner, a few more freckles, a look of seriousness in her eyes that never used to show up. Her body is lankier, getting longer and gosh, I don’t know, just different. Her legs seem stretched, her forehead seems bigger, and her hands are girl hands, not chubby, round hands.

She still comes in to my bed every morning and snuggles with me. It is our favorite part of the day. She tells me all about her nighttime dreams and I rub her back and clean out her eyes and smother her with kisses.

My body’s injuries have been hard on this wee one. She doesn’t really remember a time when my body wasn’t hurt. She keeps saying things like “I wwwwiiiiiiiiiiiiisssshhhh you didn’t have to be in bed all the time!” or “Why do you have to keep getting hurt? I want you to be all better and no one to ever hurt your feet again!” or “Mommy, do you think you will ever be better?” She is also very concerned for me with questions like “Mama, will that hurt your hip?” “Mommy, do you want to rub your neck?” This whole slew of injuries has sobered her. It hurts my heart for my little one’s childhood to be so different from her older siblings. No bike rides with me pulling her behind me, no hikes with her mama, no airplane rides on my legs or standing in my hands and balancing in the air. She is getting other memories and while I know I am loving her and nurturing her wondrous spirit, I sometimes wish I could wave my magic wand and give her back the last two years of her life with a functioning mama.

Annes and Fisher are best buddies, spending almost all of their time together. They love to explore our property, catch bugs and snakes, build their fort, sled all over the yard, and ride their bikes up and down our road. I am so grateful they have each other. Right now she is learning to read, loves writing her letters and playing games, dances around the house practicing her moves for her clogging class, and snuggling, snuggling, snuggling with anyone who will hold her. Her need for touch is enormous. I don’t know if it is possible to rub her enough. The other night all the children were gone to a play and Annesley was left home alone with me for the evening. We played Spot It and Battleship and she told me all sorts of stories. When it was time for bed she didn’t want to go sleep alone in the basement, so she climbed in bed with us and I held her just like when she was a baby. As I painted her face and rubbed her legs as she drifted off to sleep my heart welled up with love for this precious, precious, girl whose presence in our family is such a miracle. Sometime during that night of holding her it occured to me that there might not be many more of those kinds of nights left. There will come a day when she doesn’t need to sleep in my bed when her siblings are gone, when perhaps she won’t ask me to rub her and won’t start moving my hand across her back when I stop. And I will cry.

That night before she settled down in bed, she bounded over me to get my pills for me from my bin.

Me to Annes as she leaps precariously across my bed: Watch out for my foot!

Annes: I did! I was staring right at it!

Papa: What mama means is stay away from it, not look at it.

Annes: Oh!

She says all sorts of crazy things in the course of a day.

You are the best mama in the whole, whole, wide world.

Her phrase of choice when she doesn’t get what she wants.

You hate me!

Keziah won’t let me rub her anymore unless I pay her, so now I just have to rub myself.

I love Jesus sooooooooo much. He is my bestest friend.

Fisher says I can’t be a chicken owner if I don’t help him feed the chickens! Harumph! I don’t wwwwaaaannnnnttttt to feed them today and now he is taking my chicken back! Why can’t he just do all the work?

Mommy, I love you. I’m so glad Heavenly Father gave me to you. Your belly is sure fat, do you think he is sending us another baby? I wwwwannnnttt a baby. I will take care of the baby all day long just like I take care of Oaklynn. You can stay in bed.

Oh, how I love this girlie. She reminds me so much of my little girl self. So much confidence, so much life, so much joy.

four eyes are a thing here

Feb 18, 2014 by tracy

The problem with having two parents with eyes that don’t work so hot is that those parents often create children with eyes that don’t work so hot. So far all of our children have needed glasses. We haven’t had Annesley tested yet, but she probably should be since we are batting a thousand in that department.

I need an eye exam so I can get a some new boxes of contacts. Truth be told, I really need a pair of glasses as well. Miss Annes broke mine a few years back and I haven’t replaced them yet. It seems every month there are more important things to spend my pennies on…isn’t that how it so often goes in life?

Fisher needs a new prescription. For the last six weeks or so, he gets horrible headaches when he reads to me. Yesterday I had him take his glasses off mid-read and he read much better and the headache went away, so I think his eyes must have changed recently. His father’s did the same thing when he was a boy, so it doesn’t surprise me too much.

Blythe has lost her glasses in the past couple of weeks. We keep searching for them, but they haven’t been found yet, so we may need to replace hers as well.

I think Keziah’s are fine, thank goodness! So now I need to figure out how to pay our taxes, get three eye exams, at least two new pairs of glasses, and two boxes of contacts for me (the joys of having one near-sighted and one far-sighted eye). Time for creativity and penny-earning ideas!

monday morning update

Feb 17, 2014 by tracy

Hmmmm. My right foot is hurting quite a bit. Thursday and Friday it was hurting along the backside of the ankle, but last night and this morning it is hurting around my big toe and the 1st metatarsal. I think it looks pretty good, but when Sheri changed the magic tape last night, she said there was still some swelling. When I took a bath on Saturday, the water pressure hurt too much and I had to get out fairly quickly. Soooo, I don’t really know if it is getting better or not.

Another strange thing happened yesterday…my heart started hurting pretty intensely. I don’t know what it was or what it means, but it did frighten me. It feels fine this morning and I am hoping it was nothing, but who knows?

On tap for today is learning time with my kiddos, iFamily board meeting in my family room, staring at the sunshine out my window, missing a super-fun trip to Costco with my gal-pals, supporting my little Annes in her search for Rosie, her missing kitty, finishing my read on Abigail Adams, and working on my lecture for Wednesday’s WUBA class. (I am determined to make it to iFamily on Wednesday. I may have to spend the day on the floor, but I will be there to teach my class!)

And now, I need to get out of bed before bed sores set in!

eat your enemies

Feb 15, 2014 by tracy

I spend quite a bit of time in bed. Even on good days…my hips just can’t handle being upright all the time. This week I have been in bed since Wednesday and have heard lots of hilarious conversations. Here is one from today.

Annesley: God said you should eat your enemies. (giggle, giggle!)

Fisher: No, God said love your enemies.

Annesley: Why should you love your enemies?

Fisher: Because that is what Jesus said.

Annesley: But that is soooooooo HHHHAAAARRRRRDDDDDD!

Fisher: Lots of people asked Jesus the same question.

Annesley: Are we going to be enemies or friends?

Fisher: We are going to play a game together and play legos and do all sorts of things.

Oh, they crack me up. Fisher is so solid in his goodness. Annesley is so full of life and silliness and adorableness. I love being their mama.

road trip math

Feb 5, 2014 by tracy

41 hours away from home breaks down like this:

10 hours of driving.

8 hours of sleep.

2 chiropractic appointments.

12 hours at the dentist’s office, 5 sets of normal x-rays, 1 panoramic x-ray, 1 wisdom tooth evaluation, 5 cavities filled, 2 sealants, 2 fillings re-filled, 4 cleanings, hours of mineral build-up removal, endless stories, and $1500+.

1 snowstorm with blowing snow and wild blind spots. No phone service for 90 minutes in the middle of the snowstorm. Several panicked children. 1 set of exhausted mama hands from gripping the steering wheel.

4 cute haircuts, 2 colors, 1 waxing by my lovely sister Mikelle.

6 grandkids playing, arguing, laughing, crying, jumping, eating, eating, and eating. 2 breakfast casseroles, 1 pot of soup, and 2 loaves of bread.

1 giant bag of throw-up in the middle of winding turns, blinding snow, crazy fog, and slippery roads.

3 audio books.

1 Intellibed seat cushion (oh my heck, it is AMAZING!)

2 grocery store visits. 22 yogurts, 8 pieces of chicken, 10 bananas, a bag of apples, 1 blueberry-pomegranate lemonade, giant bag of pretzels, and a delicious box of discounted fifty cent cookies (should have bought two!).

2 gas station fill-ups.

Getting Blythe’s body put back together, much needed dental work done, cute haircuts, and seeing my mom and sister…priceless.

sumoku

Jan 14, 2014 by tracy

Last night for Family Home Evening, or FHE as it is often known in Mormon land, we had a short spiritual thought from Sermons in a Sentence, my new favorite get-me-thinking book, and then family game night. We love playing games together, but rarely have we had this much fun. We laughed ourselves silly.

Drumroll : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :

Blythe played with us! I know those of you have played games with us before are shaking your heads in disbelief because she usually refuses to play any games and prefers to draw over in the corner, but I pinky swear, it is true!

AND SHE WON! Yes, she beat me! 288 to 256! Go Blythe GO!

This girl that says she “hates math” played not only a board game with her family, but a math game! This, my friends, is a banner day to be recorded in memoriam forever!

I bought Sumoku a few weeks ago as the next step up in Fisher’s math game progression. He learns best by playing games so I am always on the lookout for games the two of us can play together. I thought it would be perfect for him. It turns out it was a little confusing for him last night, but I think if just the two of us play without the crazy loudness of the girls it will be a great fit.

It is kind of a twist of Qwirkle (another huge favorite here!) and Scrabble and is chock-full of heaps of math! Best game ever!

There are tiles with numbers on them with six different colors and each row or column can only have one of each color in it. At the beginning of the game a die is rolled and whatever number turns up is THE number for the whole game – all columns and rows must add up to a multiple of that number. Then your score is the sum of all the numbers in the row or column you played on. So much calculation! I, being the number lover, expected to love it, and I did. I wasn’t so sure how my children with less of a number affinity would enjoy it, but they did as well so as Kat would say, WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER!

giving and receiving

Dec 25, 2013 by tracy

Warm and fuzzy.

Peaceful.

Calm.

Joyful.

Grateful.

Filled.

Loving.

Tender.

Hopeful.

Teary.

Amazed.

Redeemed.

On this Christmas night my heart is full from top to bottom with all of these emotions. Our month has been full of Christmasy things – performances in the Messiah concert with the Youth Symphony and the Christmas Carol ballet, piano and violin recitals of Christmas music, several secret Christmas projects, caroling, visiting with friends and neighbors, Christmas stories, scripture study, yummy food, big hugs, nativities, and piles and piles AND PILES of love being poured out upon our family.

We have been on the receiving end of so much goodness and generosity this month. Moola for Muscles has raised thousands of dollars for my therapy. People have written the loveliest notes of encouragement and their love has filled my heart with courage and determination to keep trying to get my life back. Nearly 150 people invested their hard-earned cash in my Hip Recovery Plan. I can’t even think about it without tears running down my face. What a precious gift!

If the Moola for Muscles response wasn’t enough, we have been blessed with lovely presents from friends and family and had several knock-n-run experiences this week. Money, gifts, food, and, of course, piles of love have been delivered by these Secret Angels/Santas/Elves/Disciples. We have no idea who has reached out to our little family and blessed us so abundantly, but if any of you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for being a force for good in the world and for loving us so much that you would sacrifice and serve and give and bless.

The speaker at church this Sunday, Sister Spaulding, said something like “We experience Christmas every day of our lives. We are either giving or getting Christ’s love.” When she said those words I realized something…when we give Christ’s love to others we come to more fully love Him and know Him. When we receive Christ’s love, either through His own actions or the actions of our fellowman, we also learn more of Him and become closer to Him. As we go through life and have experiences on both sides of the equation, we understand Him and His ability to love, serve, and sacrifice for the children of God. We are more able to receive His love into our hearts and accept His sacrifice for us.

This year we have learned more clearly than ever before how important it is to be on both sides of the giving and receiving circle. I love being on the giving side. I love being guided to those who need our love and money. I love organizing secret projects and big, public fundraisers or service projects. I love doing God’s work by reaching out to someone who needs a hug, a listening ear, a big box of food, or a chunk of money. It is one of my very favorite things to do and I am so grateful for the opportunities we have had as a family to make a difference in the world.

But this hip injury has forced me to the other side of the circle. I have been on the receiving end of service for the past 22 months. People have taken care of our children, given umpteen hours of service, taken me to doctor’s appointments, paid for treatments, held me as I have sobbed, given me wise counsel, encouraged me, been patient with me, tried to understand, cleaned our home, cooked meals, and so much more. People have loved. Truly loved me. Loved us. Supported us. Been God’s hands in holding us up. I had no idea there was this much goodness in the world. It is been a tender privilege to be the recipient of so much goodness and one of the greatest blessings of my life to be taught not only the meaning, but the actions of love as I have been thoroughly loved through this injury.

Being on the receiving end has taught me much about God’s abundance and the windows of heaven. To those of you who have been His hands in lifting our burdens, both physical and emotional, please know we love you, we pray for you, and we thank God for you.

May each of you feel the love of God for you at this Christmas season and throughout the coming year.

growing up

Dec 5, 2013 by tracy

I forgot to mention my little Annes celebrated a birthday last week while we were at Grandma’s. She has jumped from 5 1/2 (what she has been telling everyone for months when they say she is five – “NO! I am five AND A HALF!) to the ripe ol’ age of six.

Six.

Oh my goodness.

We opened presents that were hidden all over Grandma’s house. Just wait till you see the blue-haired crocheted doll I found for her! She is darling as can be and Miss Annes loves her and has named her Mar-a-dell. I actually have no idea how to spell it, but that is how she says it…with emphasis on each syllable. She designed a mint chocolate ice cream cake with a giant six made out of Oreos on top.

She has been such a silly kissy, cuddly, snugglebug lately. In the past few weeks, as her warm body has lain against mine, I have been brought to tears quite a few times. My little girl is growing right up and I almost can’t bear it. It looks like I will never be a mother of a five year old again. Or a four year old. Or a three year old. Or a two year old. Or a one year old. Or a tiny precious newborn.

I want to savor these moments that are slipping past me ever so quickly – these long days of reading and teaching and cooking and cleaning and repeating myself five gazillion times. I remember the day Blythe was born in crystal clear clarity. And now I hardly see the girl. She is so busy with her studies and music lessons and performances. It is wonderful to see her blossom and grow into herself as a young adult, but boy howdy, is it hard.

And not just because I know our time with her under our roof is coming to an end…but because I can see what the future holds. All of my little babies are going to grow up and get busy and move on. There isn’t any way around it.

It IS a beautiful thing. Mothering these children has been the work I have dedicated myself to for the past eighteen years. My goal has always been to raise happy, capable, emotionally healthy adults who love God and serve His children.

I just thought it would last longer. I thought I would have babies forever and ever.

And now there are no more babies. And no more toddlers. And no more preschoolers. Good grief, I have graduated out of three whole phases of mothering! I really didn’t see it coming. I somehow thought I would always have a baby on my back, a little one in my bed, and a toddler asserting his independence each moment of the day.

But those days are gone. And it is good, it really is, but it is also bittersweet. I can’t help but cry every time I am shopping for clothes for my children and realize I don’t need to go down the baby and toddler aisles. Sometimes I hold up a little romper and hold it close to my heart trying to remember what my children felt like when they fit into that size.

My little one has been six for over a week and she seems so much older. Bigger. More capable.

All I can do is let her fly and become the person God created her to be.

And cry.

And cheer her on.

p.s. Someday I will find my camera so you can see these little cuties. I lost it the night of the one-inch undoing and am desperately hoping it turns up somewhere!

mawwiage

Nov 20, 2013 by tracy

Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam. And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah and evah… So tweasuwe youw wove.

November 20 marks the anniversary of both of our parents. Yes, both sets of parents were married on the same date. Not the same year though.

I have long found it humorous and one of those interesting coincidences of dates that seems to mean something, but may not mean anything at all. For those of you that don’t know, I am obsessed with dates, times, price per ounce, measurements, anything to do with numbers (except differentials – I never understood what we were doing with all that calculus jazz), but especially dates, I love dates.

But today I have been filled with gratitude that these four people made the choice to get married. Two of them are still married and will be celebrating their fiftieth anniversary next year. Two of them have been divorced for almost thirty years. Regardless of the state of their marriages now, they birthed, loved, and raised the two of us and I think we turned out pretty fabulous. Now we get our turn at birthing, loving, and raising their grandchildren.

My heart is filled to bursting with love for these four people. I am so grateful to be alive – to have been given the opportunity to have two parents who love me and did the best they could to provide me with opportunities to learn and succeed. I am deeply grateful for the wonderful man my husband is and that his parents raised him to be kind, honest, hard-working, faithful, patient, capable, and most of all, loving. They created a man who is full of love and whose love has transformed my life.

I have been heartbroken about my parents’ divorce for a long, long time. The depths of my soul have ached with longing for the family of my childhood to be returned to me. I have only seen my father eight times since he left our family back in 1986. Eight times in 27 years. It is simply not enough.

But I still have life. I still have heritage. I still have a father and a mother and a father-in-law and a mother-in-law. And today I am going to savor the beauty of my life and the love I am surrounded with.

Thank you four for getting married. Thank you for risking your hearts and giving it your best and letting us be born. Thank you for trying.

little zulu

Nov 19, 2013 by tracy

I have this daughter that loves running. She started running on her 10-month birthday and hasn’t stopped since. She began entering triathlons at about age 8, loved the experience and started dreaming of being a runner. Unfortunately she has a mother who hates running. But that same mother finally decided to become a runner so she could run with her daughter every day since she was too young to run by herself. A mother who ran in the cold and the snow and the wind because she loved her daughter so much.

And then the mother got injured and has had her whole life turned upside down, inside out, and everything in between.

This daughter has really struggled to be able to develop as a runner without me and has ebbed and flowed in her determination to run. She flat out refused to run in any 5Ks this past year. I think she was working it all out in her mind and figuring out who she was and what was important to her. Perhaps my injury scared her or gave her guilt or something. I don’t know what was going on inside her heart, but we felt we should give her the space and time to work it out.

But now she is running again. She loves it. She ran cross-country this fall and can’t wait for next year. Miss Keziah is strong and smart and I am excited to see where this running passion takes her. Last night was her award ceremony. The coaches call the oldest group the Big Dogs, the younger group the Little Dogs, and the little twelve and thirteen year olds the Pups. Last night at the ceremony, the coach told about how a small group of these young kids would not stop running and always chose the longer distances and the harder workouts. He decided they were not Pups any longer, they were Little Zulus – like the South African people who ran long distances and then fought a battle.

I should say she is a Little Zulu! We have always thought she is like an Energizer Bunny – she keeps going, going, going.

Now it is time for the winter workouts to begin!

ornaments for orphans

Nov 12, 2013 by tracy

We started learning about OSSO many years ago and have been supportive of its mission to help children in Ecuador. Going to Ecuador and serving there has been in the back of our minds for a long, long time. We have a good friend, Lisa, who travels to Ecuador several times a year to serve in several orphanages down there. Our good friends, Cameron and Paula, are in the middle of adopting older children from Ecuador and we are cheering them on and doing what we can from the sidelines. Blythe intends to go work in the orphanages sometime in the next eighteen months before her mission. Lots of talk of orphans circulates around our home. We have been donating our hearts and a wee bit of our money to these orphanages for awhile and have been tickled pink to play a small part in alleviating suffering. Last week Lisa posted a challenge on Facebook called the Ornaments for Orphans Club and said they were going to not give presents to their teens and adults and would instead be donating the money they would have spent on gifts to Dando Amor. Her challenge percolated in my heart and we started talking to the children about it. The first night we talked to them there were a few outbursts of “no presents!?!” but we asked them to think about it and come to family home evening ready to share their thoughts, pro or con, about this idea. Last night we had our discussion and oh, boy, these amazing children of mine! I am so proud of them. They all voted to give up their presents from us and give that money to the children at Dando Amor. Their one condition is that they be allowed to give each other homemade presents because they love that part of our tradition so much.

So it is final. This year our Christmas money will go to children that need it much, much more than we need it. Our Christmas presents have always been on the simple side since we do three gifts per child, something that will help them spiritually, something that will allow them to develop their gifts to bless others, and something that will help them in their learning. This year we will learn new lessons in love and service. Wahoo!!

Anyone want to the club with us? If so, let me know and I will give you Lisa’s contact information. She leaves in a few days to go to Ecuador and she is going to have an ornament signed by the orphans for each child that gives up their Christmas presents.

war and peace

Nov 8, 2013 by tracy

My two middle children have decided they are France and England in the 1300s. One of those children is determined to be king. The other one is almost content to let the first be king, but is hoping for a kind and benevolent king. Unfortunately, the sibling king is more in line with the tyrannical dictator model.

Even with the Hundred Years’ War flaring up from time to time between these two, they can play chess for hours on end. They go from waging war and retaliating to giggling themselves silly all in a matter of minutes. I don’t understand it, but I sure am grateful for the magic of our chess table to calm emotions and put these two on friendly terms.

tidal wave

Oct 31, 2013 by tracy

I am lying here in bed on this early Thursday morning and my head is swimming with everything that has happened in the past three weeks. I need to process it all so I can move on with a calm, hopeful heart.

I also want to record it so my children can read this when they are adults and know that when they have a string of weeks like this, they are not the first, nor the last, to be hit with a big ‘ol pile of junk.

Three bad nights of passing out, being rescued, and wondering where on earth my healthy body has gone.
Battery acid exploding all over the Subaru and needing to be replaced.
Twentieth anniversary trip cancelled.
Fisher dislocating his shoulder and getting a hairline fracture in his humorus.
Sitting on the couch reading to my children when a flood of water starts dripping in to the basement
My wrist dislocated and stretched or pinched the radial nerve causing the same sympathetic nervous response as when my femoral nerve gets stretched too far.
Going out many mornings and having ANOTHER flat tire.
Finally replacing all four tires on the subaru for a pretty penny.
Richard’s car being dead to the world and needing a new battery. Replace the battery on a Tuesday, car seems fine. On Wednesday the whole car won’t work, windows won’t go up…and are stuck down, has to get towed in the middle of his work day, find out the main fuse is blown and many other fuses are damaged. Replace all of the fuses for more pennies than I care to even think about. He went to pick up the car up a few days later and once again it won’t start. Then the alternator needed replaced. And the battery. Again. Many, many, many pretty pennies later, we finally have his car back and are hoping it will keep running.
Keziah hit the reflex point on my knee several times during scripture study the other night and once again the sympathetic nervous system response kicked in. My nerves are not happy one little bit.
We got home from iFamily last night and had another big flood from the upstairs toilet. This time we were able to figure out more of what is going on. It didn’t overflow like we thought. There is a crack somewhere that is leaking.
Sadie has thrown up in the house three times in the past twenty four hours. I’m pretty sure it is because she ate all the crumbs from my very crumbly cookie project the other night. It took me a few batches to get the flour consistency right. One of the children measured the flour and must have not been quite as accurate as was needed to get cookies to come out in one piece instead of a frillion crumb piles.
Richard has spent HOURS and HOURS on the phone with the IRS and at the local IRS office trying to fight a bill from our failed 2007 business that we didn’t know we owed and don’t have records to prove we don’t owe. He is conceding the fight and paying them piles and piles and piles of pretty pennies today because another fine goes into effect tomorrow. Unfortunately for us, we had a large disagreement about it last night into the wee hours of the morning and harsh words were spoken and we had a very sleepless night. He thinks we should pay it, I think we should keep fighting them. The only good thing to come out of it was a long, squishy hug this morning and some tender “I love yous.” I am grateful that in spite of all my ranting he still believes I love him.
I need to be given worst mother of the year award for the all the mean things I have said to my 17-year-old lately. I really hope someday we can look back on these years and laugh at them the way my mother and I can, but at this point I just don’t know if that will ever happen. I fear she may grow up, leave home, and never want to see me again.
My ugly, repulsive bathroom sink is clogged. Again. And no amount of baking soda and vinegar is doing the trick this time.
My doctor keeps using the word “disease” and while I guess it is, it feels like a knife stabbing into my soul every time I hear that word.
Unbeknownst to me, one of the members of this family put away the rice cooker several weeks ago full of rice. Which is now moldy and disgusting and stinky. Good thing Keziah found it this morning so we could get that awful stench out of here.
My Make It For Maggie website has been hacked into and I have to find some time to fix it…now. Quite frankly, it is time I don’t have.
We have three broken violin bows, Keziah needs a new violin because she has had a huge growth spurt, and Blythe needs a new bow. Desperately. Right now she is borrowing one of Jennifer’s and I was working on coming up with the $$200 – 400 for a new bow, but all these broken bones, x-rays, and car problems have killed that dream for a few more months.
Someone we dearly love has just been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time and is preparing for a double mastectomy, but she doesn’t want to talk about it and I don’t know how to support her or the other people who are involved when we can’t talk about it.
I have been out of my boot for a little more than a week which is FANTABULOUSO! Unfortunately the shoes I have to wear for the next many months cost us piles of pennies.
As a sign of how much pressure we are under, Richard actually yelled yesterday after the two hour IRS visit. Yelled. This man does not yell. And yet he did. Then, when he discovered the flooded bathroom last night, he swore. This man does not swear. And yet he did. I think the months of taking care of me, of holding this family together with his steadiness, calmness, and good humor, and the long, long hours he works have finally wore him down.

I know that all this will pass. I know that these things are just part of life. In fact, my heart is full of gratitude that Richard is working and earning money and he got a decent paycheck this month that allowed us to go grocery shopping and buy shoes. He had to cash out his measly little retirement account he had from working with the school district to pay the taxes, which still makes me madder than all get out, but I am grateful to have had a way to pay them. But I am tired. Tired AND grateful, but tired nonetheless. I don’t think I can handle another thing going wrong or breaking or flooding for awhile.

There are also many wonderful things that have happened in the past three weeks. I have been able to be in the temple twice. Many other people have been working in the temple for me as well. At least one hundred endowments have been done in the past few weeks. I have been kept safe when my tires were flat. Fisher’s arm is doing well and he is out of his sling at three weeks. We had enough towels to clean up the mess last night and thanks to the amazing Kat we have a new toilet to put in when we find the time to do it. We think we need to pull out the flooring and replace the subfloor that has been ruined by these floods. In the meantime, we have two other toilets to use – big gratitude there, right?

Is it possible to see the good and the bad and the hard and the wonderful all at the same time? Because that is where I am at. I am full to the brim with gratitude. I can see the blessings of God. I know he is watching over us. I know He is guiding us. At the same time, I want to have a breather. Maybe I need to reread my quote from the other day and realize maybe the breather is not what I actually need?

And tonight my Richard will get a massage. He needs to have all this stress rubbed right out of him.

i fell in love with you and you fell in love with me

Oct 19, 2013 by tracy

“Oh No! I fell in love with you and you fell in love me, what shall we do?” These are the opening lines from one of my favorite new songs from Mindy Gledhill’s new album, Pocketful of Poetry.

I attended one of Mindy Gledhill’s concerts for my 37th birthday back in 2011. It was the week I found out about the breast lump and my emotions were raw. I soaked up Mindy’s goodness and let it work its way deep into my heart. Her music and style and flair and lyrics and sense of pizazz are so fun! She is the perfect combination of whimsy, tenderness, and unique craziness and she connects right with my heart.

AND NOW RICHARD TOOK ME TO HER LATEST CONCERT!

We laughed and smiled and held hands and cried, well, okay, I think I was the only one who cried. My heart welled up with love for this man who really sees me with all my crazy idiosyncracies, annoying behaviors, big dreams, save the world ideas, lack of planning, and zest for living and believes I can fly. He has given me the gift of letting me be me without his judgement or disapproval or consternation. When Mindy sang this song, I sat their holding his hand and rubbing his arm in just the way he likes while the tears streamed down my cheeks.

I don’t mind your odd behavior
It’s the very thing I savor
If you were an ice cream flavor
You would be my favorite one

My imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh
Starry nights and bright sunflowers
Follow you where you may go

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heart

You´re a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heart

Like a lock without a key
Like a mystery without a clue
There is no me if I cannot have you

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heart

That is how he feels about me. He believes I am strong and smart and beautiful and capable and funny and dedicated. Somehow he sees beyond all the times I am weak and not-so-smart and look like a mac truck ran over me and am completely incapable and not at all humorous and can’t finish a job to save my life. He overlooks the baskets of laundry that need folded, the meals that aren’t prepared, the times I lock myself out of the car, the hurtful things I say and sees the good. He sees the little diamonds buried deep under all my stuff and helps me see them too. His vision of how wonderful I am helps me pick up all the broken, little shards of me and put them back together so I can grow into the person I so want to be.

Afterwards we took Blythe and Aliysa…our double dates for the night…to Red Robin for heaps of garlic fries.

Such a fun night smooching with the one I love best, listening to our old favorite songs, and falling in love with her new ones. Check out Oh No!, Pocketful of Poetry, I Take Flight, and Picture Show from her new album. They are full of win!

happy “us” day

Oct 15, 2013 by tracy

I’d say yes all over again.

In fact this time I’d say YES!!!

Twenty years ago at this very moment I was saying yes over the altar of the Salt Lake Temple. I had no idea how good of a man I was marrying. I had no idea how much he would teach me about love and patience and serving and loving. I had no idea he would teach me about the love of our Heavenly Father. I had no idea how much fun he would be. I had no idea how much I would love bringing our babies into the world together. I had no idea what a wonderful father he would be and how he would balance out all my mothering weaknesses. I had no idea we would be sent down the paths of homebirthing or homeschooling. I had no idea our house would burn down seven weeks after our wedding. I had no idea we would move 13 times in the first 8 years of our marriage. I had no idea I would fall apart emotionally and spiritually and that all my fears and issues of trusting men would spill over like a toxic oil spill onto the one I loved most. I had no idea he would know how to put the pieces of me back together again. I had no idea we would go through the heartbreak of miscarriage ten times. I had no idea the challenges my body would put us both through and how he would love me and serve me and stand by me firmly planted in devotion to us. I had no idea he would know me inside and out, the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, AND STILL ADORE ME.

I didn’t know.

But now I do.

And words will never be sufficient to express my gratitude.

Yes, Yes, YES. Forever and for always I will choose you.

broken bones are everywhere

Oct 13, 2013 by tracy

My little Fisher broke his arm on Friday at gym. He is in a lot of pain, not horrendous amounts, but a lot nonetheless. We were quite the sight at the doctor’s office with my big ‘ol robot looking boot, my hip that won’t allow me to sit, and his limp arm.

He was given a priesthood blessing by some of the fathers at gym before I took him in for x-rays and after the blessing he said, “I heard the most important part.” I asked him what that was and he replied “God loves me and I am not going to be scared.”

Tears from mama.

Isn’t that we all want for our children? For them to know that God loves them and is with them always so they don’t need to be scared.

He has been so, so brave. He is a trooper. I am so proud of him and his simple trust in his Heavenly Father. He is such a kind, loving boy who desires to do good and be good. I think his arm will heal quickly and he will back to normal in no time at all, but he will be at a new normal where he will have more compassion for those who are hurting. His prayers and those of his sisters have been so tender the past couple of nights as they have prayed for God to heal his arm. Somehow his broken arm is a lot more impactful on all of them than my broken foot – I guess they kind of view mine as par for the course!

Meanwhile I am trying to not feel guilty about the state of his bones. I know I did not nourish him well in the womb as he has always been deficient in calcium. I had just been through five miscarriages and was terribly ill his entire pregnancy. Survival was the name of the game. I did not eat well and my body was seriously lacking in mineral stores from the repeated miscarriages. I just need to focus on gratitude for his presence in my life and let the guilt for not building a perfect body for him go.

The good and bad – he is especially loving his inability to unload the dishwasher and especially not loving the inability he has to play with legos.

are we back in business for realsy?

Oct 1, 2013 by tracy

Two weeks without a blog is a long time for this girlie to go without processing through writing. Yes, I could have written in my commonplace book. Yes, I could have grabbed any old sheet of paper and poured my heart out on to the page, but I didn’t.

Now I can access this site with my iPad, but it still isn’t coming up on my desktop and the folks over at google say WOK is still infected with malware, so most of you probably won’t be able to read this anyway, but it feels so good for my fingers to fly across my keyboard and get some words onto the screen.

While my blog was sick with all sorts of infectious garbage, we celebrated Fisher’s birthday, got a haircut, finished Keziah’s bed, passed out several times in the most unflattering of ways, had a visit from Oaklyn, Easton, Mikelle, and Grandma, celebrated Kez’s birthday early with garlic fries at Red Robin, had a ferocious windstorm that blew many a branch of our trees, went to several XC races – some in lovely weather and some in freezing wind, read lots of books, fixed the dishwasher, fixed the dryer (Yes, my husband came to the rescue with cheapo parts and the help of youtube. How did we live without the internet? Oh, yes, we paid repairmen far more than necessary!), tried out an Elliptigo, and spent a fortune in gas.

I may find the time to go back and blog about those events, but most likely I won’t. Though the dryer story will knock your socks off…maybe I should share that one. And Fisher’s birthday does need recording for posterity, right? I’ll see if I can at least share those two stories once my desktop can access this site and upload photos.

This week we have Keziah’s birthday, a big lecture on the German invasion of Europe and a discussion on The Hiding Place and the holocaust in my Hero Project youth class, an adult discussion on Nothing To Envy, apple picking at the Honey Crisp orchard, maybe some potato gleaning, and General Conference this weekend. Somehow I need to fit in physical therapy, youth symphony rehearsals, XC practice, Pack Meeting, gymnastics, laundry, and cooking.

Hmmm. Guess, I better get up and at it. My little ones are waking and it is time to start our school day.

a mom can brag, right?

Sep 10, 2013 by tracy

Ha-ha! I know even moms shouldn’t brag, but my heart is so full to bursting that I must share all the excitement with the world.

First piece of excitement – Annesley learned how to ride her bike a few weeks ago. As soon as we got home from our camping trip she started practicing in earnest. She would run in and get me a gazillion times a day to show me how close she was to keeping her balance and I admit, it was a tad hard not to laugh at her sorry attempts. She would get the pedal about 30% around the circle before she put her feet down to stop from crashing. Or sometimes she did crash…and oh, the tears! But within just a few days of getting home she insisted she could do it for reals and she really could! I was shocked as could be after seeing the pitiful attempts made all week long. She was a pro and was able to ride up and down our bumpy dirt road with ease. Now she loves to ride down to the mailbox to fetch the mail with Fisher.

Second bit of news – Keziah has long loved running, but hasn’t been able to be as dedicated as she would like because of this hip injury that is plaguing our lives. She really needs me to run with her and since I can’t, her running has suffered. Well, this year she decided to join a cross-country team and she has been running her little heart out for the past several weeks. She competes in one meet a week and is doing really well. I am so proud of her. Most of the youth participating have been running all summer (or for the past many years since so many of them run year round), but she has jumped right in and is giving it her best. She didn’t have time to really build up her strength or lung power, she had to run big right from the get-go and she is succeeding!

Third bit of excitement – my room is clean! It has stayed clean for over a week!

I moved a comfy chair from downstairs up into the corner of my room. I am hoping it will give me a little bit of variety of resting locations. I have been living in my bed for almost 20 months now…and I pretty much hate it. So now, I can read with the children and study myself without having to be on my bed.

Fourth big hooray – Keziah’s bed is almost finished!

I am hoping by the end of the week to have my basement back and have Annesley all moved over into Keziah’s room.

Fifth shout from the rooftops – Fisher’s bedroom is clean! We finished it last Monday late into the night and he has kept it clean for a whole week! Hallelujah!

And now, DRUMROLL PLEASE!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: (those are the drumsticks wacking the screen.)

Blythe auditioned for the Youth Symphony and was accepted! This is a huge deal. The area’s best youth musicians audition each year and some of them are accepted. She has rehearsals every week, several big performances throughout the year and then a tour to San Francisco next summer. It is so exciting and I can’t even think about it without a huge smile lighting up my face. I am SO proud of her. She fell in love with music as a baby and started begging to play the violin as a three-year-old (we made her wait till she was five). She had the same wonderful teacher for the first five years of her learning and we have struggled to find a good fit of a teacher since then. She has been teacherless for months (years?) at a time when we either couldn’t afford lessons or couldn’t find someone to teach her. We have cleaned houses and baked bread for lessons. I have taught gymnastics for years to pay for her lessons. We have done everything we could do to help her live this musical dream of hers and now the paybacks are coming. Now all her hard work is paying off. She has a gift of playing from her heart and now this experience will develop technique and repertoire that she needs to advance to the next level. Here is a big thanks to Jennifer and Jesse for helping her prepare for her audition!

So many good things are happening in the lives of my children. They are learning. They are growing. They are courageous. They are willing to try new things. They are growing up into beautiful human beings.

And it feels good to this mama. Way to go my children – shoot for the stars!

to-do list

Sep 2, 2013 by tracy

We are making progress on our giant to-do list. Slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I wanted to be to this point last Monday, but this broken foot is giving me a great opportunity to grow in my patience levels and to be okay with things not moving as quickly as I want them to. Have I told you we are doing a bedroom rearrangement? Well, we are. Keziah likes rearranging her room (just like her mama) and at the beginning of the summer she asked if her papa would build her a daybed that she could move around whenever her heart took a fancy to a new look (her current bed is a full-size bed with storage drawers under it and it has to be taken apart to be able to moved). She wanted it to be white and couch-like and wooden and cute. She also didn’t want it to take up much room and she didn’t want bunk beds or anything big and bulky. He promised her he would do it and she started looking up bed plans. At some point early on in this undertaking, we decided we should move Annesley out of Fisher’s room and into Keziah’s room…but Keziah refused to have Annesley sleep with her because Annesley likes/needs/wants to rub whoever she is sleeping with ALL.NIGHT.LONG. So, we all decided a trundle bed would be a great solution to that problem. Then Jen offered her metal daybed to Keziah for free. Kez, being a mastermind at earning money and spending it wisely, jumped on the opportunity at spending little moolah. But then she decided she really DID want a wooden daybed. So Richard and I took metal daybed parts and combined it with one of the wooden daybed plans and wrote our own plans with enough room for the trundle underneath and several weeks ago we started building in the wee hours of the night.

In the midst of all this bedroom rearranging we decided we should take Fisher’s (formerly Blythe’s – she lost it in the last great bedroom rearrangement) loft bed down and put Keziah’s storage bed in his room. Our home only has four bedrooms, so there isn’t a dedicated room for guests when they come and we often have a houseful of people all needing beds. No adults can sleep in Fisher’s bed because it is quite a climb to get to it and is only about 20″ from the ceiling. If we put Keziah’s bed in Fisher’s room, an adult (or even two if they are friendly) can sleep in his room, two-three people can sleep in Keziah’s new daybed/trundle arrangement, two-three can sleep in Blythe’s bed, and we have two cots and two couches for the rest. I think this will be a better arrangement for our guests, but boy, howdy is it a lot of work!

While all of this has been going on, I have decided I absolutely must have a clean bedroom and closet in order to keep my sanity. I cannot homeschool these precious little ones another year with my room in constant disarray. Last year was a nightmare, but I didn’t have enough time, energy, or capability to get it done, so we survived. So, I have been cleaning…a little bit every day for the past 21 days or so. Here is our list of what has been done and what needs to be done.

Accomplished/Finished/Solved

Our bedroom is clean! For the first time in a long time, it is clean. Actually clean, top to bottom and left to right.
Piles of clothing and household goods that are not needed anymore have been taken to DI.
Taken Fisher and Annesley’s bed apart AND stored in the garage until Blythe would like to use it for her future children.
Bought the paint for Keziah’s bed with a $10 off coupon – Wahoo!
Taken last year’s potatoes out of the crawl space

To Be Accomplished

Finish Keziah’s bed. Richard put it all together on Saturday, then took it apart again to fill the holes, sand it down one more time, prime it, paint it, then put it back together again. I am thinking this is going to take at least another week.
Dejunk and clean Fisher’s room
Move Keziah’s existing bed to Fisher’s room
Clean sewing room and get it ready for school
Clean school room
Finish cleaning my bathroom/closet. This is almost done, but not quite.
Hang up our maps and timelines for the year.
Make cover sheets for my Math Alive: Eureka! students.
Move the buckets of wheat that were behind my bed down to the crawl space.
Clean out the bookshelf in the wood room, find room for all those books on other bookshelves, and put books on it for this year’s homeschool focus.
Prepare my lecture on generational archetypes for The Hero Project class I am teaching at iFamily.
Finish sorting Fisher’s and Anne’s too-small clothes and assess what things they need for the next year.
Sleep
Go grocery shopping.

That is my small list…not my everything I wish I could accomplish list, just my small list of things that really, really, really need to get done this week, some sooner than others. iFamily starts Wednesday, so I have to get those things done today or tomorrow at the latest. Fisher’s bed is now removed from his room, so I would like to get Keziah’s bed moved into Fisher’s room tonight when Richard gets home from work so we can start getting his room into some semblance of order. I guess Keziah can sleep with Blythe for a few days until her bed is finished.

Off to work on my bathroom some more.

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