two weeks out

Oct 19, 2009 by

It has been two weeks since the first sign of spotting. It is both disturbing and comforting to see that life goes on. It just keeps going on as normal for the rest of the world and even for me in many ways. Children need fed, dishes need washed, classes need taught, books need read, friends need nurtured, and the endless list of commitments doesn’t let up. It is almost as if this little life that was inside of me has been gone for ages. As I was contemplating this thought this weekend, I was depressed about it. I thought “It has only been 12 days and I don’t want life to just go on, I want to memorialize this baby, this journey. I want to shout it from the rooftops that my babies have lived and died.”

Another part of me does want life to go on. It is familiar. It is what I do. It is busy and distracting and fulfilling and a myriad of other things. I know life cannot stop because I had a miscarriage. I know many people don’t view it the same as the death of an already born human being. I know, I know, I know. I have done this over and over and I totally get that people have no idea what to say, people are too busy to even think of it after a few days, and life just goes on. It does. I get that and yet…I needed to do something to mark this passage of my life. I didn’t know what to do. I was at a loss. I wanted a way to remember.

In walks a miracle.

My friend, Jessica, gave me the most perfect gift ever. She had an etsy seller make me a miscarriage necklace that is simply precious.

I love it.

I mean, I really, really love it.

I am not a jewelry person, but lately I have been drawn to jewelry that speaks to my soul. My mother gave me a Crowning Necklace for my birthday last year and I treasure it. I wear it often and make sure I have it on when I want to be more me. It helps me feel more alive, more hopeful, and more grounded. I am stronger and surer when I wear it.

The necklace Jessica gave me is perfect. It has nine shimmery crystals on it for each of our nine babies that have come into my womb and never made it into our arms. I don’t want to take it off. It is the exact thing I would have chosen if I had had the presence of mind to be able to figure out what I needed; it is a symbol of their souls, it is exquisitely beautiful, and it allows me to share my story or not depending on my mood and current emotional state.

I know, absolutely know, she was guided by God to have this gift made for me, because He knew exactly what I needed to move forward with peace in my heart.

Miscarriage Necklace

Thank you Jessica – thanks for listening.

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and now there are nine

Oct 8, 2009 by

Nine babies have come into our lives and left before we could hold them in our arms. Of course, that doesn’t mean we didn’t hold them in our hearts. I can tell you from experience that it takes approximately one second to go from not knowing you are pregnant, to knowing you are pregnant, to falling in love with your child and seeing the rest of your life holding, nursing, singing, carrying, pushing on the swing, teaching them how to ride a bike, going on walks, and reading books together.

It happens that fast.

We have been through this now nine times. Nine heartbreaking losses.

When I started spotting Monday night, I hoped it was something else. I had no cramping and I was still nauseous, so I went to bed hoping I was imagining those little brown streaks on the toilet paper. Tuesday morning, there were more brown streaks. Enough now that I really couldn’t convince myself that they didn’t exist. I went out and ran some errands around Salt Lake and then the cramping began. Not menstrual level cramping, but strong, “I need someone to hold me” cramping. The blood was flowing out of me and I had nothing to contain it. I went into Wal-mart and bought some pads and then stayed in the bathroom and cried for a long time. I called Richard and sobbed. I am sure the people at the store thought I was bonkers.

That night I attended the graduation ceremonies of the Midwives’ College of Utah. It was a wonderful experience and it was wonderful to be surrounded by midwives and those studying to be midwives. Great energy was flowing. I held it together and had a smile on my face, but inside I was dying. I went to bed that night hoping for some much needed rest, but ended up staying up all night with cramps on par with early labor. I wanted to be wrapped up in my husband’s arms. I wanted to sob into his chest and hear his words of love. I needed his hands to push on my back. But I was alone with Annesley and she needed me to hold her.

Miscarriage.

I really don’t like that word.

It is a loss. A loss of a baby. A loss of a dream. A loss of a family member.

My emotions are raw as I type this, but I had to get it out there this morning. This blog of mine has become my place to chronicle my life, the good and the bad, and I don’t want to forget the events of this week. I wish I had written about my other eight babies and the feelings surrounding their conceptions and passings.

Today I am a mother with four living children. I am going to snuggle up with my children who are here and give them all the love I can. They need me and I need them.

Goodbye little one.

I love you.

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