a broken heart
Soon my world is going to dramatically shift. I can’t handle it. Last night we had the loveliest Relief Society (women’s organization) Retreat. It fed my soul and spoke truth to my heart. But ever since I have been crying because I am pretty sure it will be the last activity I will be at with the dear sisters in my ward. I know I need to put my big girl pants on and get a grip. Or maybe I need to fall to my knees and plead for peace and calm and love and faith. But right now all I can do is cry.
My giant ward is being split. We have about 800 members right now and are busting at the seams and have been for a long, long time. We have already been split twice in the very recent past, but in those splits little chunks of houses at the edges were cut off and put into new wards or new stakes. This time, we are really being split and my heart is breaking right in half.
LDS wards are a geographic area with set boundaries and while boundaries don’t at all define friendship, they do define when and where you attend church. They do define who you serve with in your church callings. They do define who you fall in love with as you fellowship and worship together.
I LOVE our ward. We have something special here. So much love. So much support. So much service. So much everything. My two dear friends, Amy and Jessica, live in my ward. Hundreds of other wonderful friends are here as well. But they are all over there. There being the subdivisions where pretty much everyone lives. Our ward boundaries are L-shaped. We live on the bottom-end tip of the L and the subdivisions are at the top end-tip. So, we will no longer be with the people in the subdivisions. There is no way around it, at least that I can see, because we are as far away as one can get from the subdivisions.
My children are so loved in this ward, by both their leaders and their classmates. They are asked to speak and sing and contribute in meaningful ways. They are valued. They are not seen as weird homeschoolers, but as the lovely, talented individuals they are.
My ward loves me. They love my loudness and my tears and my big ideas. They laugh with me and give me hugs and listen to me and love me in a very tangible, here-is-my-heart kind of way. Every week as I stand in the back of the chapel my heart wells up with love for the wonderful people in this ward.
And soon we will be split. I don’t want to be told to have faith or stop crying or buck up or anything else. I just want to cry for awhile at the loss of what has been the best ward I could ever ask for.
I know God will help each of us adjust and grow and love and serve. I know He has a plan for this ward division. I know in the end it will be okay, even wonderful. I know I will start again to build deep and abiding relationships and build the body of Christ in my part of the vineyard. But not today. Today is a day of tears.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
I know, I know. I’m sure I sounded like the most insensitive mother in the entire world when we were talking on the phone. I was just trying to think about new experiences, new people, new horizons, new opportunities for people to get to know you and your family, know your enthusiasm and your love of the Gospel. I was also thinking that you’ve always thought this day might come and that you guys have been preparing for it for a while. You might not think you have . . . but the Lord has prepared you. NOT like anyone can every really be prepared! I hope you continue to have a whole lot of faith in the Lord’s timing. It’s been completely amazing and inspiring to me to watch you guys for the past six months or so.
We are going to miss your family tremendously!! This is very heart wrenching! How can you break away from half of your family! How can you fill that vacuum? I am sure the Lord will provide and I have faith, but like all grief I know I have to go through it and not around, under or over it. Thanks for voicing how many of us are feeling about this.