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shifting gears

Posted on May 22, 2012 in blessings, family | 3 comments

I am a bubbley, outgoing (kind of in-your-space), fun, loving, loud person. I have lots of energy and I love to share it. I love to bring people together and have a great time. I love to connect with people. As long as I have been aware of myself this is how I have been.

But things have shifted. I can’t imagine that it is a permanent shift, but it feels permanent right now. It feels like my life has been so dramatically altered that I almost don’t even know that other person who is the life of the party.

I have shifted into something somber. Not depressed, not angry, but carrying a load of seriousness that has never been inside me before.

This all started back in March when Jessica and Kat took me on the save-Tracy-and-have-a-load-of-fun trip. I received a Priesthood blessing that poured down into my soul and gave me an entirely new perspective on my life. After that blessing, I knew I needed to do the genealogy work for my father’s ancestors. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life and although I knew the Spirit of God had spoken to me and given me a direct command, I was still reticent. It took me another two and a half weeks to work up my courage to actually start. Each day that passed I felt the weight settling in on me…the responsibility and the privilege of knowing God was asking ME to do something specific was a bit overwhelming. See, I know He asks each of us to walk in His path, love our neighbors, pray for our enemies, forgive, love, and give our heart to Him and I strive to implement those practices in my daily life, but I am like most Christians in that those things are an ongoing task…an ongoing becoming…that feels critical, but not exactly imperative to happen right.this.minute. It also felt quite different from other specific actions He has directed me to do. For example, when I was pregnant with Blythe we were given a clear prompting that we were to homeschool her. Although we didn’t understand why and it felt like an enormous undertaking, it also felt like a grand adventure that would take place over eons of time, certainly not something that I needed to have happen right.this.minute. Many times I have been prompted to go say hello to someone or to take someone something or give someone money or something like that. Those things too, have felt important, essential even, but they didn’t feel like this. They didn’t feel like my whole soul was consumed. They didn’t feel like my whole world depended on obedience. They didn’t feel so much.

But this does. It feels all-consuming, like every phone call, every conversation, every other task is pulling me from where my soul has gone. I feel like I am living in one place and my body is inhabiting another and I don’t know how to bring it all back together again. I can’t sleep – I stay up all night doing geneaology or thinking about geneaology. I have been working on this for about four weeks (really only three since I couldn’t do anything while I was gone for 10 days) and I have hundreds of names put into my family tree.

My heart is full of love for these people that I am coming to know through the dates and places of their lives and I find it hard to have enough of me to give to the people around me in the here and now. I am careful to focus on my children and to read with them and snuggle and listen, but everything else kind of feels superfluous right now and I don’t know how to fix that. I want to give my whole soul to everyone I meet…I always have…but right now, I can’t. Right now, most of my soul’s energy is taken up with this mission to find my ancestors.

So if you see me or talk to me and I am not my normal self, please know I am okay, I have just shifted gears. I think I will be back…sometime.

pardee hardee

Posted on May 17, 2012 in birthdays | 2 comments

I am not up to posting today because yesterday’s ozone injections did me in, but I wanted to share my birthday party photos with y’all. Thank you to the lovely Jessica for the party wrap-up and for not posting the hundreds of simply ghastly photos she took of me.

I am hoping I will be back to a functioning level soon…today I was able to roll oover without crying (huge improvement from yesterday!) so I am counting my blessings.

the day after mother’s day

Posted on May 14, 2012 in blessings, family | 7 comments

I spent this Mother’s Day cooped up in a little car, driving about 600 miles (well, Richard did the driving, I did the moaning, sleeping, and constant rearranging of pillows under my hips in a pitiful attempt to make myself comfortable) and returning to our home from being out of town for ten days. As we drove, I was aware it was Mother’s Day, but I didn’t think too much about it. I was focused on my mission of making it home without hurting my hip too badly and reuniting with my children. Fisher and Annes gave me two roses, red and pink, and a new journal. Keziah gave me a caramel apple and made a cute Mother’s Day sign for my door. Blythe changed my sheets and made my bed up with all the pillows in place. Lovely gifts and I was thoroughly surprised by all of them because I wasn’t really in the Mother’s Day mindset. Today, though, is another matter. Today my mind and heart are full of motherhood thoughts.

First, I thought of my own motherhood. I thought of how it has changed me and helped (forced?) me to become a more thoughtful, more giving person. I thought of my hopes and dreams for my life and how they never, not once, involved children. In my past life, I simply had no desire to be “bothered” by children. I thought of how grateful I am that God sent me Richard and how his gentle, stable ways softened my heart and gave me a different vision of what my life could be. I thought back to the sweltering day of Blythe’s birth and how instantly and completely my heart was transformed into a Mother-Heart.

Then, I started thinking of all the others in my life who have blessed me with their Mother-Hearts. My own mother has infused me with courage, determination, and a belief in goodness that has carried me through the experiences, good and bad, of my life. My mother has never had the safe companionship that I have with my Richard. She has never shared faith, hopes, or dreams with her husband. She has never felt cherished. And yet, she perseveres and her example of enduring has taught me more than she will ever know. Now that I am a little older, we are dear friends and I can’t really imagine going through a single day without talking to her. She is my biggest fan and supports me in all I do. Aside from her mothering, she is a rock-star grandma. She is absolutely in love with her six grandchildren and spends as much time as she can with them. She plays with them, reads to them, spoils them with ice cream, takes them swimming, listens to their bug stories, lets them sleep with her, allows Annes to rub her, comes to their special events, and believes in them. She is the most involved grandma I have ever seen and I am full of gratitude that she is able to give so much of her heart to them.

My grandmother taught me how to live a noble life and she loved me so deeply that my heart has a never-ending supply of legal love tender. Because of her I will never be bankrupt in the love department. My grandma’s influence will be felt for generations. Her example of Christlike living will be carried on through her hundreds of grandchildren and great-grandchildren and thousands of people will end up being blessed by her Mother-Heart.

I spent the past week with another grandma of mine…a grandma I got when my mom married her son when I was twelve years old. I have always loved her, but have never spent much time with her. This week we stayed up late talking about life and love and God and family. We giggled. We worked on my genealogy. We ate scrumptious food. We got to know each other as grown women and we fell in love with each other all over again.

I thought of the mothers on my father’s side, none of whom I know, but who I am coming to appreciate. I thought of their suffering and what their lives must have been like…and I became ever more grateful for my own life.

I started thinking about the countless women who nurtured me during my tumultuous growing up years. Women who loved me, taught me, and sacrificed for me. I honestly don’t know that I could have made it out of teenage-hood alive if it weren’t for the women in my small town who adopted me right into their lives and helped me shoot for the best that was within me.

I thought of my husband’s mother and how grateful I am for her and the amazing son she raised. Her choices to live the gospel, to love her children, and to teach them well bless my life every day. I thought of her struggles and triumphs and wanted to rush right over to her home and give her a great big hug.

I thought of the women who surround me now and who have mentored me in mothering. I am full to the brim with gratitude to have a support network of dedicated mothers who are striving to create strong, healthy, FUN-ctional families.

Finally, as I sit here typing, I am thinking of my children. I love them. Fiercely. I am so grateful for each of their powerful spirits and how their presence in my life teaches me lessons I need every single day. I am so grateful to be not only a mother, but their mother. These children who have been entrusted to my care are good, strong, vibrant spirits who allow me to share my heart with them. I thought of the ten babies who we have miscarried and sent them my love, knowing that somehow they will get my care package.

Right now, Blythe is mowing, Keziah is cleaning the yard, Fisher is at reading lessons, and Annesley is sleeping…and I am crying with a heart so full of love for them I think sometimes it might burst. I have given my life to them and yes, it is absolutely worth it.

I am grateful for all the Mother-Hearts out there…every single one of them is needed…and no, you don’t have to be a mother to have a Mother-Heart…you just have to love.

puppies 2012

Posted on May 13, 2012 in family | 1 comment

On March 19, Sadie gave birth to eight puppies. We have been loving on them for the past eight weeks and the children have worked their little behinds right off taking care of them. They are now ready to be adopted. Three of them are already claimed, so only five are left. If you would like one of these sweeties, let us know ASAP. They are sure to be sold quick as a wink!

Bolt

Zorro

Sam

Snowy

Perry

A whole group of them swarming Kez

Don’t you need a new family member?

Read-A-Thon!

Posted on May 3, 2012 in Uncategorized | 12 comments

The books came last night after my Ozone Treatment and thanks to my superstar friends, Kat & Jess, they all got sorted, boxed up, and ready to be shipped out!

Kids playing in boxes…trust me, they are inside those boxes, but they wouldn’t poke a foot out!

Dutifully checking off all the books to make sure they arrived. I like photos from this angle much better than the front.

Jessica trying to teach me to smile like a movie star since the moment a camera is pointed in my general direction my face goes into some ridiculous configuration that makes me look like a goofball. See below.

Kat concentrating hard while Jess was giving me photo lessons. Every one needs a brilliant Kat in their life.

Me laughing so hard over the ridiculous photo shoot instructions that I peed my pants and couldn’t get up, so Kat and Jess had to lift me up and then laugh their heads off at my pee covered bum.

Thank you to everyone who helped make it a success! A lot of children are going to be diving into some beautiful books!

i survived

Posted on May 3, 2012 in the hip | 5 comments

Yes, I did! Yesterday’s Ozone injections were nothing at all like the first round. These ones were totally do-able! Still a lot of pressure, still the pain of any injection, but none of the I-am-going-to-die-and-maybe-I-wish-I-would-because-this-is-so-bad pain.

My super-duper friends, Jennifer and Kat, drove me down, fed me a delicious breakfast of green smoothies and Gator Bites with Eggs, and loved on me all day. Even when I was crying and going to puke from the fear. Even when I was almost ready to move into panic mode. Even when I started blubbering about money and the lack of it. Even when I held their hands for dear life. They were lovely “injection-doulas” and I needed them every step of the way.

But then I did fine. My body didn’t go into freak-out-pain mode and I was able to talk through the whole thing. I was able to get off the table about ten minutes later and actually get myself dressed. I was able to walk out of the office.

Amazing!

I felt so good afterwards that I went with them to go look at Jenn’s new house and even though I shouldn’t have I could not resist walking through her woods. Unfortunately, after our jaunt through the trees I was so sore I thought I might puke from the pain. Jessica and Kat came to my rescue and brought me home, fed me some more delicious food and helped me sort out the books for the Read-A-Thon (they did the sorting, I did the paperwork from my all too familiar horizontal position).

Today I am still sore and pretty tired, but I am walking and full to the brim with gratitude that this treatment plan seems to be working.

Thank you to everyone that prayed for me and helped me get through yesterday! I needed you more than you can ever know.

i may be losing my mind

Posted on Apr 28, 2012 in the hip | 6 comments

Last night I moved over into full-blown insanity…and while I recognize that I have taken residence in the loony-bin, I can’t seem to move myself out of it.

See, I have now been walking, yes, walking, in an upright-vertical position for a week. It seems I am doing much better. For the last several days I have been the recipient of gobs of hugs and shouts of exclamation about my new walking skills. I was able to kneel down a few days ago for family prayer. I have driven two times this week.

Sounds like a huge improvement, right?

Here is where the insanity comes in.

I have NO idea if I am really doing any better. I still hurt…a lot. So I can’t really convince myself I am doing any better. When I brought this up with Richard last night, he nearly fell to the ground in a laughing spell because to him it is so obvious that I am doing better. After being in bed for nine, dreadfully long weeks, his wife is upright again. He can’t understand why I am questioning this. But, I am questioning it. See, I don’t really KNOW that I couldn’t have somehow driven, walked, or kneeled a few weeks ago because maybe, just maybe, I just didn’t try hard enough to do those things. Maybe my pain now isn’t any less than my pain would have been then. Maybe I just needed to try harder and I could have lived with the pain like I am living with the pain now.

I am so worried about investing all our dollars, all our everything, in these Ozone treatments and then find out in six months that they didn’t really work or that I really should have had surgery. I do not want to make a mistake when so much is at stake (yes, I know there are much bigger issues out there in the world, but right now my mobility feels like a rather large issue since it is impacting the functioning of our family so dramatically). I want to know that these dollars are going to where they need to go and that I will really heal.

The thoughts have swirled about in my head all week long, contradicting one another and adding angst to my life until last night I collapsed into bed in one jumbled up pile of confusion…with my husband still laughing at me and my apparent insanity.

Four days till I have to face the injections again. Four days to work up my courage. Four days to convince myself that it is working and my vertical state of being is not only real, but truly formerly impossible.

Four days till the pain…

fiar: katy and the big snow

Posted on Apr 24, 2012 in books, FIAR, homeschooling, language & literature | 2 comments

I love this book. Today Fisher, Annes, and I curled up in my bed and read Katy and the Big Snow for the gazillionth time. We found all sorts of things on the map and Annesley cheered Katy on as she worked herself through the Geopolis snow drifts. Virginia Lee Burton created stories my children beg for over and over again and I love her for it. I would kiss her if I was anywhere near her. I remember reading The Little House to Blythe and highlighting all the sight words to help her learn to read them. I remember the first time I read Mike Mulligan and the Steam Shovel to Fisher and how his little boy mind latched right onto the idea of a big machine doing a big job and how he wanted to do big jobs too.

Reading to my children is one of my very favorite things to do. Infusing them with a love of literature, beautiful illustrations, and characters that speak to their hearts is a privilege I take seriously. I strive to surround them with books that will build their little souls into people who stand true, fight hard, and serve well. What are your favorite books to grow your children into their best selves?

progress

Posted on Apr 24, 2012 in the hip | 7 comments

I have been down since February 20. I have left my house on Wednesdays for iFamily and Fridays for gym and that is pretty much all. I have taught my classes lying down on a couch or a cheese and have been in large amounts of pain while doing it. I have run my home from a horizontal position for the past 9 weeks.

It has been really, really hard.

For the first five weeks we believed I had a stress fracture in my acetabulum. Then my friends dragged me to an MRI with Arthrogram and we found out I have a labral tear. Unfortunately, that was not good news as surgery and months of recovery time (and months of waiting time for the surgery) are not great options…surgery is expensive and I do not have health insurance, surgery would be done in SLC – quite a ways from my home, it can’t be done until August, which means I will be down till the New Year. Nuts, really. The more I thought about it, the more I felt there had to be another solution. I started researching all night long and found a treatment called Prolozone and decided to give it a try. Prolozone is an injection of ozone, vitamins, and minerals into the injury site and it is supposed to actually heal torn and damaged tissue. After researching it ad nauseum, I scheduled my appointment for last Wednesday.

I was pretty much scared to death of the injection, but I decided I was strong and brave and could do hard things. Besides all that, I had to admit I was really, really desperate to avoid surgery and surely some injections were a MUCH better option. Now, I am not so sure!

I had been told it would burn really badly for about 5 seconds. I decided to prepare myself for 2 minutes of pain to be on the safe side. The injection did hurt…badly. But what hurt worse was the pain coursing through my hip socket, gluteus maximus, sacral-illiac ridge, and up and down my leg. It felt as though someone was pulling my patella off, yanking my little toe out of my body, and that my body would never, ever, stop shaking. This intense, overwhelming level of pain, lasted for 21 minutes, which was a heck of a lot longer than I had prepared for. When it finally dissipated, it was time for the injection right into the labrum. I was basically terrified. Courage from somewhere deep in my bones welled up and I agreed to move forward. This injection was just as bad as the first, but the pain didn’t last, it subsided within about 90 seconds, which was totally doable.

Afterwards, it took about 30 minutes for my blood pressure to come back up enough for me to get off the table. It felt like my entire right side of my body was dead and buried about 5 stories below the rest of me. Very odd sensation.

Walking out of the office was excruciating. I could only move my leg about one inch at a time, so it took us a long while to make it to the car. The rest of the day was pretty bad as well. Lots of pain, lots of light-headedness, lots of white skin, lots of “I-don’t-know-if-I-will-ever-stop-hurting”, lots of fear.

Thursday was more of the same.

Friday I could walk.

Saturday I could walk better and even ventured to the park with my family to lay down on a blanket in the sun.

Sunday I was pretty sore, but still walking and I ventured to church to partake of the sacrament.

Monday I was walking pretty darn speedily and even wrestled my bike trailer into my mom’s car so my sister can borrow it for the summer. Pretty amazing, eh?

And today? Today I am still walking. And I am sitting at my computer right this minute. And I am not dying in pain.

So, I think this is progress. Huge amounts of progress. I still don’t know if I have enough courage to go back next week for the next round of injections, but I am working on building it up.

a new quest

Posted on Apr 17, 2012 in family | 10 comments

I have a new project. Project may not be the right word because in reality it is much more ginormous than a project.

I have decided to do genealogy.

Yes, you may have thought genealogy was something old people did. Well, now it is something this youngster is doing. Maybe since my body is behaving like an old person’s body it will all work out?

Anyway, I don’t know anything about my dad’s side of the family. As in nothing at all. Not their names. Not their relationships. Not anything. Through a series of spiritual experiences, I have come to realize that it is time for me to change that. It is time for me to let them into my heart.

And miracles are happening.

I have only been working on this since Sunday and in the past couple of days, I have learned all sorts of things about these people that are, in fact, my family. I feel a strong connection to my dad’s grandma, Sallie. I have already figured out who all of her children are and all of her siblings. I have worked my fingers into the wee night hours entering in their information. I have found gravestone pictures, census records, and a super-duper family history expert that is a third cousin. I have figured out how to use Family Search. I have had an amazing conversation with my father and learned more about his life than I have ever known before.

All in the past fifty hours or so.

My heart has been softened towards these not-to-be-strangers anymore and I have decided I even love them. Pretty weird feelings for a girl who thought she only had one family line. Yes, this is bigger than a project – it is a transformation of my soul.