even in this condition

Nov 18, 2012

I met with my Bishop on Wednesday night for several hours. Actually, it was my old Bishop who has faithfully walked this hip journey with me, not my new Bishop who doesn’t really know me yet.

Anyway, he wanted an update on my hip, and my children, and my Jessica, (he is still Jess’ Bishop), and my genealogy project. We talked and talked and talked.

And then I broke down. Big tears poured out of my eyes as I told him how tired I am of being in pain, being incapable, and being needy. I told him about our desire to have at least one more baby, this little boy who we have been waiting for for so long, and how my research into labral tears and subsequent pregnancies indicates it would be foolhardy and quite incapacitating. I told him how I want to play baseball and volleyball and basketball with my children and how impossible that seems right now. I cried and cried and cried. I told him how silly all of my tears and frustrations are because I CAN WALK. I CAN FUNCTION. I am no longer bedridden. I CAN DRIVE (if I am in my suburban with the seat tilted all the way back and the bottom tilted all the way up). I AM TEACHING GYMNASTICS. I CAN STAND THROUGH CHURCH. I CAN, I CAN, I CAN.

But I still can’t. I can’t sit well at all. I can’t twist. I can’t ride my bike. I can’t play baseball with Fisher. I can’t go roller skating. I can’t be out of pain. I can’t have a baby. I can’t do what I used to do.

And the guilt. Oh, boy, the guilt at having such thoughts. At being so grateful for the healing that has happened, for the miracles that have occurred and still wanting more, still wanting to stop hurting. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting more.

After I had cried (and cried AND cried), he gave me some words to think about. He said, “Tracy, can you go to The Lord and say ‘I will love you and trust you, even in this condition. How can I mother and bring my children to thee, even in this condition? How can I love them more fully, even in this condition? How can I serve thee, even in this condition? How can I play with my children, even in this condition? Teach me Lord. Teach me to love and serve and accept and be grateful, even in this condition.'”

These words struck deep into my soul.

And I am asking.

And He is teaching me.