my cup overfloweth

Jan 27, 2013

I don’t think my heart can hold any more gratitude…there is so much love in this world and I know we are being held in His hands.

Several ladies in my ward have been bringing in meals this week and although I was mortified at the thought, I finally consented to the plan and have been so grateful for each meal as it relieves the burden of cooking dinner from Richard. He and Keziah are working so hard to keep this house running that the blessing of dinner is a huge blessing indeed.

Blythe’s play has been this week and my homeschooling community has taken care of us. They completely took over my duties as Concessions Manager and while I missed selling yummy food and earning money for the acting troupe, I am so grateful that Annette (and many others!) volunteered to take over for me.

I have been unable to attend her play and have stayed in bed each night while my family has attended. Those have been long, lonely, discouraging nights. I was determined to attend the final night and did everything I could to be as strong as possible so I could. I stayed down all day and spent hours making ghost suckers for concessions. I got out of bed about 5:30 to get dressed and make myself presentable for the public. I was feeling strong and thought attending the play would be no problem at all. I was able to walk out to the waiting car with no problems and was so happy to be feeling so great and clear-headed. Then the car got stuck on my road and I could see we were going to be late. I nearly fell into a downward spiral of anger that I was going to miss the opening scenes, but somehow I was able to let it go and give it to God. I quickly called Heather, the director of the play and told her what was going on. I asked her to not rush the start of the play and that I was on my way. The whole way to the play I was still feeling strong. When we arrived and I got out to walk, I started feeling like I was going to pass out and barely made it in the door. The director was on the stage welcoming everyone and I cheered in my heart that I had made it in time, but it was taking everything I had to make it to my seats without falling over. Everyone said I was white as could be. I made it to the front row which had been saved for me to lay down on and collapsed onto the chairs while my head swam away from me once again. As I laid there, Heather prayed for me and thanked The Lord for bringing me there. Oh, the tears that flowed. Oh, the gratitude for the love that was shown to me. I can’t even describe it, my heart was so full.

After all of that, the play was fabulous. Heather wrote The Canterville Ghost based on the short story by Oscar Wilde and transformed it into a beautiful story full of humor and redemption through Christ. I loved it and was so, so grateful to be able to attend.

Afterwards, I needed to go to the restroom and Richard walked me back. Unfortuntately, I lost all my color again and started shaking. I thought we were all done with the shaking and was (and am!) quite frustrated that it flared up again. I really don’t know what to think and am so tired of people wanting answers that fit into a nice little box. Right now I don’t have answers. I am trying to get through each day the best I can.

Leaving frustrations aside, let’s move back to the gratitude.

One of the biggest lessons of my life in the past several years has been the continuous message from God that we are in His keeping. He shows us again and again in both small and dramatic ways that He is taking care of us. He is teaching us to fully depend on Him and to give Him our whole hearts. Another example of this is our recent car accident.

Richard was hit, head-on, in our brand-new-to-us 1998 Subaru Forester on the day after we registered it. It was completely totaled. I have been worried sick about the financial end of things. We had a loan for $4300 on it and the bank had told us just a few short days before the accident that the absolute most it was worth was $3800, but they would loan for the full amount and recommended we get gap insurance. Heavens no, we said, we are not paying for insurance we will never need. Then he was hit by someone running a red light and there went our brand new car that was going to save us a gazillion dollars in gas and give Blythe something safe to drive. Well, I knew this was going to cost us at least $1000 and probably more. Do the math. The most the bank said it was worth was $3800, minus our $500 deductible, and the most we will get is $3300. And what are the chances the insurance company will say it is worth as much as the bank says it is worth? These were the thoughts swirling around in my head for the past week. Add to that my worry over the IV’s at $180 a pop and the small fortune we have spent on Magnesium, Chlorophyll, doctor’s appointments, and blood draws and I have been in financial panic. Our budget has very little wiggle room on a good month, so I had no idea how any of this was going to work out and was about to lose my mind over the whole thing.

Well, on the way home from getting another IV on Thursday, State Farm called and said there is no way the car could be repaired. They laughed at me when I begged and begged and begged to not declare it a total loss. But then the good news came. They said they decided the value was $4500 and some change and then ADDED on the taxes, title, and registration fees we had paid the night before the accident, which took the value to $4818.85. They said they would be sending $4313.36 to the bank and sending us a check for $5.49. I about died. I have no clue how Heavenly Father worked that miracle out, but I have no doubt that He did.

The lovely State Farm adjustor then said, “Tracy I know you wish Richard had been driving your little Nissan, but after looking at these photos I have to tell you I think he would have been quite injured if he had been. The stronger frame of the Subaru protected him and you should be thankful he was in the car he was in. I think we would be in whole different situation if he had been in the Sentra.”

Hmmm, what a wake-up call. Grateful my dream car is crunched? Grateful? Well, yes, now I actually am grateful because my husband is healthy and whole and I have my dream car to thank for that.

There is more on my gratitude list. Much more. One of the things is a printer-angel. Some lovely anonymous angel slipped Keziah some money on Tuesday at the play to help us get a new printer. We have been without one since August and I have pretty much gone bonkers at having to run to the copy shop for every little print job. Well, the printer is here AND set up AND works with our dying router AND is simply amazing. It took all of five minutes to set up and start printing. Last night I printed genealogy stuff from my iPad from my bed and it duplexed everything automatically. It is fast and effortless and I want to shout from the sky its praises! What a dream come true!

Ready for more gratitude? My Gym Assistants have done a wonderful job teaching my classes for the past three weeks, a friend did some grocery shopping for me last night, another friend brought flowers that I get to look at every day and remember the sunny days of summer, Richard is letting me eat popcorn again, another friend let us borrow her Ticket To Ride game and the children have been loving it, Fisher found his missing glasses, a gazillion people have given my children rides to their activities, and God is helping me be loving and patient (I’m not always succeeding, but with His help, I am improving).

This is hard. Really hard. But my heart is full of gratitude and awe at the miracles God is working in our lives. He knows us. He loves us. He is with us. Of these things, I am sure.