i don’t know

Mar 16, 2013

Yesterday was a really good hip day. I was not in any significant amount of pain all day long AND I didn’t go and do anything crazy even though I was feeling good. I was smart (which is oh, so very hard for me!) and stayed focused on healing.

But all that focus on healing had me thinking about the past year an awful lot and I had some epiphanies. I haven’t wanted to talk about my hip for the last few weeks. People ask me how it is and I keep responding with “Can we talk about something else?” I haven’t really known why I don’t want to talk about it, I just don’t. Well, I think I have figured it out. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say it is doing better when just a few minutes later I could be moaning (or screaming) in pain. I don’t want to say it is doing worse because I could have a great hour right around the corner. I don’t want to make any predictions because the reality is I DON’T KNOW. I don’t have a clue what is in store for me and this hip. I have good moments, bad moments, and horribly-excruciating-I-think-I-am-going-to-die moments. It is a twisty, curvy, up-and-down, roller coaster and changes so many times throughout the day that I just don’t know what to expect at any specific moment. I don’t know the answers to the questions that everyone keeps asking and I don’t want to say or indicate or let someone believe something that isn’t true, so I don’t want to talk about it. Does that make sense?

Another epiphany I had yesterday is that I AM improving. It is just at such a slow rate of progress that it is really difficult to quantify or even notice because it is not at a steady rate or incline. I remember back in September how much pain I was in after standing for a short period of time. I remember in October trying to run (ha-ha, more like a slow trot) around the circle of Duck, Duck, Goose and how I ached for hours afterwards. I am healing. My nerves are going into freak-out mode a lot lately, but they are also in calm-mode a lot. They are going in and out of each mode quickly and maybe that is a sign of improvement? They aren’t staying in freak-out mode and that seems to be a good thing (but again, I don’t really know anything, ha-ha).

A third epiphany I had is I need to figure out a way to burn some calories and strengthen muscles in a way that won’t hurt my hip. Yesterday a friend told me she has gone down two pant sizes and how much she was hating having to spend money on new clothes. I thought, boy howdy, I have gone up two pant sizes and I am REALLY hating spending money on larger new clothes. It wouldn’t bother me a bit to have to spend money on smaller clothes! The past year of so much inactivity has harmed me in lots of ways – cardiovascularly, muscularly, and certainly size-wise. This needs to change, but I don’t know how to change it.

Again, I don’t know.

Do you have any idea how much I dislike not knowing things? It drives me crazy.

With these warmer days, I want to be out riding my bike. I wonder what that would do to my hip. I have read on a few sites that people with hip injuries should avoid recumbent bikes. I have read on other sites that they are fine. Again, I don’t know what the truth is. I kind of want to try it today and see what happens, but I am scared to mess my hip up further. Hmmm.

Thoughts from the peanut gallery?