working up some courage to try again

Nov 11, 2013

I am a researcher. I crave information and love to solve puzzles. I have spent the past 21 months researching my hip injury and trying to fix it. I have come to a few answers along the way.

1. I can’t fix it.

2. God can fix it.

3. I have good days and bad days.

None of those answers have been complete. They have been part of the puzzle. I have had to accept that I can’t fix it so I would stop making myself crazy with trying to fix it. I had to decide to truly believe deep down in my little toes that God can fix it in order for hope to burn brightly. So I have kept researching and trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes I stop all research and try to move to a place of acceptance and being okay with it all, but that doesn’t feel right either. I feel most centered when I am in a place of acceptance emotionally and a place of searching, trying new things, and being open to the possibility of healing answers.

Well, in the past few months, the passing out and shaking episodes have increased, the dislocations have increased, and my ability to cope has decreased and I have decided to start researching again in earnest. I started studying the autonomic nervous system and learning more about how the sympathetic and parasympathetic system work. I started using a blend of lemongrass and lime essential oils to strengthen my parasympathetic systems ability to calm me down. Then I started studying connective tissue in depth and searching endlessly for something, anything I can do to build healthy connective tissue. I have studied the pudendal nerve, the femoral nerve, collagen, fibroblasts, fascia, cartilage, ligaments, nutrition, DNA, energy medicine, acupuncture, exercise, more on the sympathetic nervous system, and gobs and gobs of other topics – down more rabbit holes than I can count. Now, I think I have a somewhat clear picture of what is going on and how to approach it.

I have three major problems that are all tied together and impact one another: first, defective collagen systemically, second, a specific hip injury – labral tear, damaged pudendal nerve, damaged femoral nerve, tight IT band, inguinal ligament trying to hold it all together, and muscles that spasm constantly, and third, an overactive sympathetic nervous system that has developed from the femoral nerve being in freak-out mode for the past 21 months, an allergy to the Procaine in the Prolozone injections, months of pain and stress, and the faulty connective tissue that is sending all sorts of wonky messages to my SNS.

I can’t do a whole lot for the defective collagen. It is how I was made. My DNA is messed up. I can eat lots of animal connective tissue and hope it makes a difference. I can eat bone broth. I can eat red meat and chicken cartilage, but the harsh reality is my collagen doesn’t work well. The connective tissue and other body parts made up of collagen are all impeded in their function by the faulty collagen. It doesn’t reassemble amino acids properly after they have been broken down in the intestinal tract. It makes ligaments that are like taffy instead of super strong rubber bands. It isn’t holding my blood vessel walls open very well. It doesn’t send accurate messages to my sympathetic nervous system. The fascia throughout my body is weak and causes hernias, tight muscles, loose joints, and piles of other problems.

I am working on healing my hip. Jeremy, my manual therapist is amazing. He is helping all the structures of my hip to work better together and for the most part my hip is improving. I need to build back my muscle strength that has wasted away while I have been injured and spent so much time inactive and in bed and we are slowing figuring out ways to do that without injury. It will be a slow road, but my goal is to have physical therapy every single week and give it my all and see what happens.

Right now, the sympathetic nervous system seems like the most pressing issue because if I could stop shaking and passing out everything would seem a lot safer in my world. The challenge is it is completely tied into the defective connective tissue and the hip injury. The defective collagen caused the initial hip injury and continues to cause multiple subluxations and dislocations every day. It causes the joints of my body to break down, the synovial fluid to leak out, and osteoarthritis to develop. The connective tissue matrix is on information overload sending messages of shifting joints, stretched nerves, and overtaxed muscles. All these messages have put my body into a constant state of fight or flight and at any given moment it can become too much, I start shaking and then pass out. Which stresses my body further and the cycle seems almost impossible to break.

I am hoping beyond hope that I have found a solution. I happened upon the MELT Method nine days ago, read everything I could on the website, ordered the book, and am now devouring the book. It is mind blowing! Did you know every blood capillary in your body has a sympathetic nerve attached? That explains a lot about my blue hands, my heart rate shooting up to 140, and the endless numbness I experience. There are actual nerve endings in the capillaries so when a joint is out of place and those nerves start firing, it makes perfect sense that my blood flow is restricted and I pass out. Maybe you knew that, but I sure didn’t. Sue Hitzmann, the creator of MELT, is convinced that her methods can heal the connective tissue matrix. I don’t know if they can heal my connective tissue problems since they are rooted in my DNA, buy I am hoping that they can help my faulty tissue work at its best. She claims her exercises calm the sympathetic nervous system down, increase the work of the parasympathetic’s restorative functions, help the fascia to send happy messages instead of completely stressed out ones, and live without pain. The MELT Method has a protocol for people with connective tissue disorders that is easier on those of us who aren’t put together with stretchy rubberbands. I ordered my tools last week and they should be arriving sometime in next couple of weeks. Then I will get started on the exercises and see what happens. If Sue is right, this will help my connective tissue, my hip injury, AND my overactive sympathetic nervous system. Just the thought of it makes me grin from ear to ear.

And yet, I am scared. Silly, huh? My book came on Wednesday and I was scared to open it. Scared to get my hopes up yet again. Scared to give it my all and then find it doesn’t work at all, or worse yet, it doesn’t work for me because my body is too defective. I have been battling these fears all weekend. I would read a page or two and then put the book down and have to battle a new set of fears. Richard has been doing energy work with these fears and last night I was finally able to read without running away from the information. I want this to be THE answer and I will be totally thrilled if it is AN answer, one piece of the puzzle of building muscles, nourishing my body, letting Jeremy work his magic on me, and waiting on the Lord for strength, courage, and healing. But I am scared and need courage to move forward with hope to try again.

Please pray for me to be guided to answers and to have the courage to act on the ones I find. Please pray for me to have a heart full of hope AND peace. I need both. Please pray for me to find a way to build muscles without injuring myself. Another big injury at this stage of the game may be my undoing. I just don’t know how much more bedrest these muscles can handle before they don’t have any strength to hold me together at all. It’s a viscious cycle – weak muscles lead to more dislocations, but building muscles is a precarious road often fraught with injury and setbacks.

My plan for now is to figure out a way to go to therapy every week, do the exercises in the MELT book, eat lots of meat and drink lots of bone broth, and ride an ElliptiGO.