big, fat alligator tears

Nov 5, 2013

I had a really rough day yesterday. Menstrual cramps + painful physical therapy + bad news delivered at PT = a bawling mama unable or unwilling to look on the bright side.

I cried a lot.

I yelled in frustration.

I cried some more.

I attended a three hour board meeting for iFamily and did my darndest to serve this organization I helped create and love so much.

I laid in bed with ice packs.

I cried some more.

And then I put on my big girl panties and went downstairs with my ice packs for Family Home Evening with my kiddos and sweetie. We watched an inspiring film about a man of great faith, humility, and generosity. He sacrificed all for the kingdom of God (If you want to watch it, it is called Treasures In Heaven, The John Tanner Story). It touched me deeply and softened my heart towards the God I love. I began to see that I need new eyes. I need to somehow accept that I might not ever stop hurting, that I may continue to lose strength and ability. At the same time I need to do all I can to build strength, to feed myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I need to allow God to shore me up.

This morning I am more calm, more peaceful. There may or may not be answers out there for me. I may or may not get better. I may or may not ever get my old life back. But I am not alone – God loves me. Jesus loves me. Richard loves me. Our children love me. My friends love me.

And I love them.