these slippery joints

Jan 24, 2014

Ouchie! Several ribs were dislocated in the pick-up-the-child-and-fall-apart episode of last week. I didn’t realize it at the time because my pelvis hurt so much, but the pain grew worse each day this week until finally it was worse than the pelvic pain. Jeremy checked out my neck and shoulder and found the problem…ribs that weren’t where they belonged and muscles pulled as taut as could be trying to pull them back into place. Putting them back in was just as painful as it sounds and I had to shout “boy, howdy” a few times to get through it, but now I can use my arm and turn my head again.

I had a heart to heart with Jeremy this week and asked him if all this is just in my head and I am being a big baby. I told him I keep thinking I just need to toughen up and stop complaining and think positive thoughts and I will be fine. He chuckled and tried not to burst out laughing at how ridiculous I was being. In his gentle, informative voice he explained that I am not a big baby in any way and showed me exactly why I am in pain. He told me I am strong and brave and to remember back just a few short weeks ago when he had me doing hard things in the gym and how I refused to give up or give in on any of the exercises. He told me I would get back there soon and I just need to hold on to faith and let this pubic bone heal. He reminded me of the position my pubic bone was in just one short week ago and that everyone would be in horrendous pain if that happened to them.

Sometimes I think I must be making the whole thing up. I must not really be injured or if I am injured, it is just an eensy-weensy thing that shouldn’t really be hurting much at all and if I just put a smile on my face it will be all better.

So, hearing Jeremy give it to me straight up was good for me and my information loving brain. I know y’all are thinking I am daft because I can’t get it through my head that something is actually factually wrong with me, but I can’t wrap my head and heart around it. I keep thinking this is temporary or imagined or SOMETHING else because surely this could not have happened to my strong, athletic, do-anything-for-me body. But I think it is real and somehow I need to figure out how to live with this super-stretched out, easily injured body without losing hope or zest or, or, or me.

Me. Tears just sprang to my eyes and I think I finally figured it out. I am terrified of losing me. Bouncing, spontaneous, fun, loud, boisterous, big me. This body is forcing me to be calm, calculating, planning, and small. I feel like I am shriveling…and I hate it. Really. I hate it. I don’t like having to think about my movements and moderate them. I want to live fully and huge. I want to jump in people’s arms, swing them around with glee, and shout with pure joy. I don’t how to let my big spirit shine forth and draw people in when I have to limit my body’s movements. I just don’t. And I don’t think I want to learn either. I want me.