i can’t go on

Feb 13, 2014

I process my emotions through writing, so just bear with me while I dump it all out into my keyboard. I am hoping that by the time I get to the end I will be able to have an attitude switch, but no guarantees, I may need to marinate in these dismal juices for a few days before I can smile again.

I get warm fuzzy emails, comments, and phone calls fairly frequently about my positive, faithful attitude. I appreciate them, but feel it isn’t always accurate. Today is one of those days where my attitude is anything but positive. In fact, I will say it straight out – I am angry.

Angry that a half-second collision with my foot is causing me this much pain. Angry that ONCE AGAIN there is a setback in the healing of my hip. Angry that despite my best efforts to be careful and not get injured, I got injured anyway. Angry that somehow I have to find the resolve to keep on keeping on…to mount up another horse and ride for who knows how long…and know there will be another horse to get on at the end of this ride.

I just don’t know how to keep going on with faith and courage and determination when it seems so many of my efforts fail miserably and my body seems to make one step forward and two steps back. It is hard. Really, really hard. I remember at the beginning of this hip injury wondering how on earth I would deal with eight weeks of bedrest and now it has been two whole years. Yes, next week marks the two-year anniversary of the labral tear. I remember when I broke my foot and being told I would be in the walking boot for at least 12 weeks and feeling it was impossible for me to make it that long. The seizures, the passing out, the injection pain, the racing heart, the gut-wrenching groin pain from the tear. Each time there is something new to deal with, I have been blessed to make it through, endowed with courage from on high, and given a fresh infusion of hope that I will get better – that I will be healed. I feel like I have been through the wringer again and again and again and I don’t think I can do it again. I can’t do this. I can’t keep my chin up and face another injury. It is too hard.

Oh Father, help me. Give me courage. Give me hope. Take this pain and give me peace. I need thee, oh, I need thee, every hour I need thee.

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