happy mother’s day

May 11, 2014

Mother’s Day was a mixed bag of emotions for me today. On the one hand, I am so, so grateful to be a mother. On the other hand, I am feeling like a failure in the mothering department right now. I can’t do the things I want to do because my body simply won’t let me. Right now I can’t even drive myself anywhere. My fuse is short. My house is a mess. My emotions are up and down and all around.

And my poor children never know what to expect from one day to the next. One day, mom can take them to the park, the next day she is down in bed or passed out on the floor or grumpy as all get out. It has to be incredibly hard on them and while I hope it is forming them into resilient, service-oriented people, I worry they will look back on their childhoods and feel neglected and/or unappreciated.

So, this morning, I didn’t really want to go to church and hear how wonderful motherhood is or how some sister is the most amazing mother ever. I wasn’t up to hearing the accolades and knowing they currently don’t apply to me.

But I took a long bath and thanked God for my children and my life and the amazing blessings of my life. And then I put a dress on and walked out the door with my not-so-cute-hair and my not-so-cute-outfit and my not-so-happy-heart and decided to worship my Savior and recommit to Him to be willing to take His name upon me.

And it worked. His spirit warmed my heart and filled me up with gratitude for my mothering efforts. I am not the mother I want to be and I wish things were different for our family, but really, we are doing the best we can in a pretty tough situation and I need to give myself some slack while also striving to nurture these precious souls with His love and His grace.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Thank you for loving and serving and teaching and creating and inspiring children everywhere.

And here is a note to my mama who is feeling less than the pinnacle of motherhood today as well:

Mom, I love you. More than words can ever express, I love you. You are a wonderful mother and boy, howdy, and amazing grandma. I am so grateful for the privilege I have had to learn from you and be loved by you. I hope someday you will be able to let the guilt go. You did a wonderful job in spite of the circumstances you were in. Do you remember the many times you stayed up all night with me helping me with a school project I had procrastinated? Do you remember designing all my student council election campaign posters? And working for hours to hang them up? Do you remember all the love notes you slipped into my lunch? Do you remember all the prayers you have sent to Heaven on my behalf? Do you remember braiding my hair? Sewing my clothes? Laughing till we peed our pants? I love you. Always know, I love you and am grateful for you.