another monday has come and i am so not ready for it

Sep 8, 2014

Is it Monday already? Wowsers, last week kicked my hiney and I need another day of sleep before I am ready for Monday.

But here it is. And I am going to put on my can-do attitude and tackle it.

Here are some little updates…

iFAMILY went really, really well. I loved teaching both my classes AND my body held up well all day. At one point a fellow mother told me I was exuding health. HEALTH! Wowsers, I haven’t heard that in a long, long time.

Gym went really, really well. I was careful and pretty smart and didn’t get hurt. There are lots of adorable kiddos coming to spend Fridays with me and we are going to have a blast. But it did me in…I came home and slept the sleep of the dead until about midnight.

Homeschooling isn’t going so hot right now. I have a child who is balking at pretty much everything and I mean everything, not just schooling, and my patience is worn thin. This little person has been in an “everything is awful” stage for several months and I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. Yesterday Richard addressed this attitude issue with said child and I am hoping for improvement today. It is going to take some time to turn this around…and lots and lots of loving guidance from me.

Meals are improving. I actually cooked a delicious dinner one day last week. And I plan on cooking at least one delicious dinner this week, Tuesday is my goal. It might not sound like much, but it is a huge percentage increase in my cooking output.

Morning scripture study is working (at 6:00 a.m.!!!) at least in the sense that we are doing it and everyone is at least semi-conscious. The two little ones aren’t as conscious as I would like and they go back to sleep afterwards, but it is coming along. Our morning prayers together are the favorite part of my day. Everyone is more subdued and it feels like we are wrapped up in a blanket of peace before the big girls and Richard head out the door.

My body had a really hard time yesterday. I had early morning church meetings and a long day of church after that and I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t drink water and I didn’t eat enough and I didn’t get enough rest and I stood in the hallway for too long (my body does not like me to stand still, it drops my blood pressure and sends my heart into tachycardia). So I passed out. Again. In the middle of Relief Society and Richard had to come get me and haul my limp body out in a wheelchair. I hate it. I hate it ever so much. I don’t want to be unconscious. I don’t want to be a spectacle. I don’t want to cause fear or panic for other people when they see my body shaking and my face lose all its color. I don’t want to worry my children. I just want my body to be able to handle normal everyday activities like grocery shopping and attending church. I really want to be able to go hiking and ride my bike, but I am not asking it to do those things…just simple things like standing up for more than five minutes at a time and lifting groceries into my car.

Creating a new normal based on my body’s limited abilities to do what I want to do and my children’s needs at this time is the goal for this year and I am doing everything I can to stay focused on that and not get derailed by pictures in my head of what it could be like if I was the mom I used to be. We are still working on finding music teachers for this year, getting our schedules and routines a bit more solid, working out car sharing with Blythe, finishing the book decluttering/school room rearrangement project, and getting my study hours to be as productive as I need them to be, but we are making progress. We are only one week into this new routine and if I think about it with kindness in my heart, we have made a lot of progress. If I let my I-want-everything-to-be-perfect-right-now mind take over, I would slide into misery, but that mind was kicked to the curb a long time ago and I am not going to let it come back in and dampen our momentum.

It’s almost time to start our learning time, so I better run and get my morning protein smoothie into me so I don’t pass out like I did yesterday at church. Dysautonomia really stinks.