learning to receive
My dear friend Tasha has organized an epic “Pour Out Piles of Love on Tracy” party for tomorrow. I wasn’t supposed to know about it, but she messed up and BCCed me on an email (Which is a VERY fortunate mistake because I probably would have gone into full freak-out mode if my house was invaded early on a Saturday morning and I had no foreknowledge of it at all!). I heartily tried to veto the whole shebang, but no one listens to me anymore and the party is going on with or without my approval.
After thinking about it for a few days, I have decided to focus on the love and be grateful for this outpouring of service…a gazillion people are going to show up tomorrow morning to deep clean our home, repair lots of broken things, work in our decrepit yard, and pour out love everywhere they look. Oh my. It is so scary to let people into my home and see my messes, my piles, my crap I cannot decide what to do with. I am feeling quite vulnerable already with these bad dreams and sleepless nights and this experience is sending my vulnerable feelings sky high.
Part of me thinks, “Even though I have been injured for over 2 1/2 years and even though I spend lots of time in bed and even though I can’t move quickly, stay on my feet for very long, squat down at all, or carry heavy loads, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE!” And then I go to this train of thinking, “I mean for goodness sakes I have two teenage daughters and even though they have busy school schedules, jobs, symphony, running, friends, and lots of other things, the three of us should be able to do this.” And then I go to “I have a husband who can fix/build/make pretty much anything, he should have this house in tip top shape.” But the truth is I can’t. We can’t. We have been living in survival mode since at least spring of 2011 when we found the lump in my breast. My husband works long hours six days a week. He is only here about six Saturdays a year and all the repairs and projects for the whole year get squished into those six Saturdays.
Kat says karma is coming my way and I need to soak it all in and remember all the wonderful times I have had pulling such events off for others who need help. So I am trying really hard to release the shame and welcome the love. I have decided to move forward into tomorrow with a grateful heart. There is so much good in this world. So, so much. And tomorrow is my day to learn to receive…and smile while people surround me with service.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
This isn’t entirely fair. Once I knew that you were sincerely unhappy about the idea, I worked quickly to try to get the whole thing canceled, but after you digested it, you were okay with it going forward so it did. Tasha and Kat can back me up, I tried all I could to put on the brakes.
I am glad that it accidentally got sent to you so you had some days to digest and I think you did really well yesterday — better than I would have done. I don’t think you needed me at all (which is a good thing since all I did was nearly pass out and breathe into a paper bag).
Having been on the receiving end of one of your schemes (and having had the resultant ugly-cry filled panic attack over it) it is both easier and harder for me to be sympathetic. Easier because I know how horrible and hard and embarrassing it feels to accept help, but harder because I agree with Kat and this is karma! Though again, I sympathized wholeheartedly once I got the gist of your initial reaction and knew that even if a surround-Tracy-with-love day was something you could have organized yourself for someone else, I also knew that you were in a fragile place and it might do more harm than good to intrude.
Having seen the multitudes that turned out yesterday I will absolutely concede that it was a very big, very overwhelming thing to handle. But so was having my everything hung out on the interwebs. Mortifying, but in retrospect, something I am grudgingly happy to have experienced. I think.
It ate my comment AGAIN. I give up.
What the heck? How can my site be anti-Jessica?
I found a few comments of yours in my spam folder. I moved them out and now they are up. Why would they go to spam?
I have left several messages lately too and noticed they were gone. I just thought your were deleting them.
Hmmmm, this is super sad! I don’t delete comments and want to hear what you all have to say to me. Jess, any ideas?
I found several Jessica-comments in my spam folder, but none from you mama. Hmmm??????
I don’t know – I was wondering if you needed a WP upgrade?
It says I have the current version…hmmmm.