hastening the healing
There is a weird dichotomy in my brain that says:
Pain akin to the last few contractions of transition stage and/or passing a kidney stone and/or severe toothache = Pain to listen to and gives me a valid excuse to modify activity level.
Everything else = Stupid pain signals that mean nothing is really wrong and I should be able to go on with my life as normal.
It is not very logical and doesn’t make sense to my dear husband or friends, but it IS my reality.
We are trying to change my perception of reality to a healthier version so I will learn that it is truly, 100% okay good for me to lie around doing nothing for weeks months on end.
See, my knee is injured. And I need to take care of it by not putting weight on it, bending it funny, or straining it in any way. And I am doing all of that. I really, truly am. Day after day I lay here on my bed or chaise and watch the world turn around me.
But I hate it. And I think, “GET UP, YE OL’ LAZY WOMAN. SURELY YOU CAN MAKE DINNER. SURELY YOU CAN WASH THOSE DISHES. SURELY YOU CAN DO MORE THAN SIT HERE ON YOUR DUFF!”
And I think those thoughts because it doesn’t hurt that bad. When I am lying here it hardly hurts at all, just a constant soreness, not a stabbing, excruciating pain that takes my breath away. When I get up and walk on it, it starts hurting worse, much worse, but it is still not excruciating, take my breath away pain. It is piles of soreness that drives me bonkers, but I can still talk through it. I can even still walk through it, at least most of the time.
Richard and Sheri and Kat and Jeremy are trying to get me to change paradigms, but it is really hard for me to see things differently. In my mind, if I CAN walk, I SHOULD walk, no matter the pain or soreness or whatever. Jeremy is trying to help me see that listening very, very carefully to my body and honoring it is essential (I DO totally believe this and until these injuries I thought I was pretty good at it) to my healing. He says doing everything I can to not be on my feet and further strain my knee is good for me. So, we are instituting a new motto over here.
Hastening the Healing
It looks like this:
Random person, child of mine, or most usually my own self: What are we doing today?
Paradigm changing me: Hastening the healing.
Random person, child of mine, or my own self-talk: Come on, let’s do something fun!
Paradigm changing me: Nope, I am hastening the healing.
Random person, child of mine, or my own self-talk: Oh, come on, it will probably be just fine, let’s do it!
Paradigm changing me: Hastening the healing is my first priority. Let’s see if we can do x,y,z while I lie here with my ice pack.
I am trying. Trying really hard to stay off my feet and give my knee everything I can to help it heal. It is super challenging and would be easier if I had to do full-on labor breathing to get through the day. I have only left my house a few times this month and have spent day after day reclining on my chaise with my throw up bowl next to me. But I did really mess up a few times. I tried to rearrange my school room on the Saturday before Christmas. My big girls did all the furniture moving work, but I was on my feet WAY too long and finally collapsed in an actual excruciating, take my breath away moment. My other big mistake was trying to shave on Sunday night and I pulled my knee and hip all wonky while trying to reach my ankles. So, I am still learning what the limits are and how to be okay sitting on my bottom day after day.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
This is perfect. It’s a rough road you travel, but you can do.
It’s tough because I think you started out with high pain tolerances. And then when you’re forced to live with pain every single day, you get a little numb to it because you have to. Plus, this: http://bit.ly/1Bj8L9n
I’m sure you’ve already seen it, but I think it’s kind of perfect.
AND don’t you find that it is inconsistent? You really can push yourself sometimes and do something and it is FINE. Maybe you pay for it tomorrow, but sometimes you don’t. So how can you not try if it means a little bit of normalcy?
I think this is a really good approach. Telling yourself that you are hastening healing feels less like laying around and more like you are taking an active participant in your health. Which is exactly true.
Oh my goodness, that pain tolerance scale! So funny. I had not seen it before and it made me really chuckle. I have no idea what my pain tolerance is, you know, because I have never been in anyone else’s body, but I do know I have had bones all wonkified and Jeremy dying over how far out of place they are and I don’t think I am hurting badly at all. And I am almost always still smiling.
The inconsistency is really challenging. Sometimes it is totally FINE. Totally. And sometimes it is so NOT fine. It is so hard to navigate for both me and my caregivers. How are we to know, really? And what are appropriate risks? I don’t know. I really don’t. I know some people would like me to be in a wheelchair every day to prevent future falls. I hate the idea. I CAN walk. And many days, walk just fine. But then there are the days I fall and injure myself and then have to spend months recovering. ARGH. There are no easy answers because I need to be as active as possible to keep and grow muscles, but I also need to prevent injuries.
Anyway, for right now, I am chanting hastening the healing, hastening the healing, hastening the healing.