i am a mother

Feb 16, 2010

The last couple of days I have been drawn inward. Pondering. Wondering. Trying to sort it all out. Trying to just kick myself out of this depressed funk. Yesterday I started rearranging my kitchen drawers and cupboards in an attempt to distract myself from the frustration I have been feeling. It didn’t really work, but it did give me a project to work on and feel accomplished about. A friend called and asked if she could come over and I told her I wasn’t up to it. I ignored phone calls from pretty much everyone. I knew they would be full of pity and sorrow and I just can’t take anyone’s emotions on top of my own.

Today I was in the same mood. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to have to explain it to anyone. I just want to be NORMAL! I want to have a normal menstrual cycle. I want to be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I want to have as many babies as I can in the next few years before I stop releasing eggs. I want, I want, I want. The reality is I need to stop wanting and be happy with the way things are. Well, the more I told myself those words over the last few days the less I have listened to myself. Telling myself I should do something never works for me.

This afternoon I drove Keziah to her colloquium on A Dog of Flanders and I forced myself to be present with my children on the drive there. They needed me to pay attention to them, to give myself to them, to reassure them that I was still “in” there. We started singing songs and the more we sang, the happier I was. I loved hearing my children sing. I loved watching Annesley’s face in my rear view mirror as she belted out “I don’t know wwwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy she swallowed that fly, perhaps she’ll ddddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!” I had a great time with them and I realized something.

I am a mother.

I get to be with my children every single day.

I love my life.

Tonight I went to New Beginnings with Blythe. As the young women stood in front of us and sang “Walk Tall, You’re a Daughter” I started crying. Hard. Tears streamed down my face as I thought “Tracy, you were born to do this – to raise righteous daughters, full of virtue and truth. To be a mother of daughters. To help raise the next generation of women.” As the song progressed, the words sank deep into my heart and I realized God was talking to me, giving me this message to help heal my heart. I cried and cried and fell in love with the Lord all over again.

Walk Tall, You’re A Daughter

Right now I have a prayer deep within my heart,
A prayer for each of you there is a special part –
That you remember who you are and Him who lives above.
Please seek for him and live His way;
You’ll feel His love.

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong; please remember who you are.
Try to understand; you’re part of His great plan.
He’s closer than you know.
Reach up; He’ll take your hand.

Long before the time you can remember,
Our Father held you in His arms so tender.
Those loving arms released you as He sent you down to earth.
He said, my child, I love you.
Don’t forget your great worth.

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong; please remember who you are.
Try to understand; you’re part of His great plan.
He’s closer than you know.
Reach up; He’ll take your hand.

This life on earth we knew would not be easy.
At times we lose our way;
His path we may not see.
But please remember always, please, that you are not alone.
He’ll take your hand. He loves you!
He will guide you home.

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong; please remember who you are.
Try to understand; you’re part of His great plan.
He’s closer than you know.
Reach up; He’ll take your hand.

Words and music by Jamie Glenn

I am so grateful to be a daughter of God – to be able to walk with Him and for Him and by Him. I am grateful to be in His hands and to have the blessings, the trials, and the lessons He gives me. I am grateful to be part of His plan.

I am grateful to be a mother to all my babies. I’m not giving up on more of them joining us here on earth, but I am going to try to be content with the ones I have for now…and to be “with” them, to be fully present for them and focus on nurturing their little hearts to trust in the Lord, love their family, and be God’s hands in this world.

The Young Women theme for this year is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. Here it is for you all to enjoy and take strength from as well.

Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Joshua 1:9

I know God is with me – short luteal phases, miscarried babies, days of depression and all.