daughter arise

Oct 13, 2012

This post has been on my mind for awhile now. I feel I need to share these thoughts, but I am finding words entirely inadequate to express my feelings. I do not want to diminish the depth of my experience by failing to capture it fully. But I think there is no other way.

On Wednesday, September 26, I went to the temple. For those of you who aren’t LDS, the temple is our most holy edifice and we go there to make covenants with God, to learn the path we must follow to return to Him, and to make those same covenants by proxy for our ancestors who did not have the opportunity to make those covenants in this life. The temple is my refuge from the world. It is a place I feel peace and receive answers. It is a place of joy and warmth and service and love. I have been spending a lot of time in the temple these past few months. More time than I ever have before as I have been immersed in doing my family’s work and allowing them to be sealed together as family units for time and all eternity.

That Wednesday, many of my ward members came to the temple with me to help me with my family’s ordinance work. Each time someone came in I thought my heart would burst with joy. I was so, so happy to see each person that came to help me.

As the night wore on, my hip started aching more and more. I could not get comfortable. I tried removing all weight from it by standing only on my left leg. I tried lying down on a couch, but I was hurting too much to be able to find a comfortable position. I tried talking myself out of the pain. I tried to walk around a little to loosen it up. I tried ignoring it. Nothing was working. Remember this was only about 36 hours after this post where I was completely baffled at how much pain I was in and how much worse my joint was doing.

Finally it was time for Richard and I to do sealings. This was the first time I had done sealings for my family and I was so looking forward to it. All summer long I had been working on doing the other ordinances and I finally had ten couples ready to be sealed together. Twenty special ancestors who were ready to become husband and wife again. My emotions were bursting out of me. I felt so much love for these people and couldn’t wait to give this gift to them.

Before the sealings I was able to spend about 25 minutes in the Celestial Room by myself. The Celestial Room is analogous to heaven and is my favorite place in the temple. I have never been alone in there before. Richard and I have sat inside praying and pouring our hearts out to God. I have spent time inside with friends and family, praying and rejoicing. But, I have never been in there alone.

I came in and oriented myself to the energy of the room. The peace. The stillness. The presence of God. Then I started praying. I prayed for my ancestors to accept Jesus into their hearts. I prayed that they would feel my love for them. I prayed that they would be able to feel God’s love for them. I prayed for them to be able to use the atonement and receive the peace that only Jesus can give them. When I had poured my heart out to my Father, I started praying for me. I told God how tired I was of hurting. I told him how hard this whole injury has been. I told him how I wanted to hold my children in my arms. I told him how I longed to mother with a body that works. I told him I knew that I could not solve this, that all my efforts were not working and that the only way the tissue would heal is if He would heal it. I pled with my Father to please, please, please, demonstrate His power through healing me. I asked Him to use me as he used Jairus’ daughter. I sobbed out my heart’s desires.

I told Him how grateful I was for the opportunity to be injured and to have the blessing of doing my family’s temple work. I thanked Him for the privilege of coming to know my Savior more deeply. I thanked Him for all the service and love that has been showered upon my head and that of my family. I thanked Him for my precious husband and his patience with all of this. And then I said that I was willing to continue on this path of injury if it was His will and if I just didn’t understand His purposes. I pled for strength and endurance. Finally, in a burst of tears, I asked Him to please, please lessen the pain.

And He did.

I can’t really describe it, but each day since then has been a little bit better. Each day the pain has been less. Each day the joint has been a little stronger.

God is healing me. I know there is no other answer. I know this is a manifestation of His power and His great love for me. I know He is teaching me to trust Him, to depend on Him, and to completely give my heart to Him.

I know.

And while I want you to know as well, it is enough that I know.