another day of pain

May 15, 2013

Today is physical therapy day. Argh! Have you ever had scar tissue broken up? It hurts just a wee bit up the wazoo.

And then afterwards it hurts even more. So today is a day of ice packs and rest and focus on healing and faith and blessings. I must stay in a place of gratitude or the whole plan goes out the window because then anger and sadness and hopelessness takes over.

I could get angry that I have a genetic disorder with no cure and a pretty yucky prognosis.

I could get angry at the man who ran into me when I was forty weeks pregnant and messed up my pelvis, my birth, my sex life, and my ability to have more children.

I could get angry at my body for being allergic to the one thing that can help my ligaments get stronger and the torn cartilage knit back together.

I could get angry at the pain.

I could get angry at my body for passing out at really inconvenient times.

I could get angry when my hands turn a lifeless color of grey or my feet lose all sensation for hours at a time.

I could get angry when my heartbeat shoots up to 140 and scares me to death.

I could get angry at never knowing what I will or will not be able to do on a daily basis.

I could get angry when I can’t make it through a day without spending hours in bed.

I could get angry when my nervous system goes into freak-out mode and makes me feel like I am being electrocuted from the inside out.

I could get angry at the lack of solutions there are for ANY of my issues.

I could get angry at how dang expensive all of this has been and will continue to be.

But none of that will help me get better. None of that will help me mother these precious children in love. None of that will keep me focused on God and His miraculous power to heal me. None of that will keep my heart open and my mind clear.

So I let it go. Again and again and again I let it go. It bubbles up every once in a while and I consciously focus on releasing it to God because that anger is poison. It could eat up my soul if I let it. It could drag me down to misery and take away everything I hold most dear.

I choose to focus on my blessings. First of all, I know it could be much, much worse. I could be terminally ill or have a child in excruciating pain fighting for their life. I could require round-the-clock care. I could have a husband who is impatient or apathetic. I could have children who are rebellious and hard-hearted. So, in the big picture, I am very, very blessed. I have an amazing husband, lovely children, a fabulous friendship circle, knowledge of God, parents who love me, aunts and uncles and cousins who support me from the sidelines, food to eat, trees to look at, a church family who cares about me, cute dishes to eat out of, books to read, a mind that can learn, a million other blessings that are immensely more impactful on my life than my lack of collagen and super-stretchy ligaments.

Even in the midst of this really frustrating journey I am on, I am blessed.

• I have four beautiful, amazing children. The reality is I could have none.
• I can walk. Others with Ehlers-Danlos are not walking as well as I am.
• I know all about alternative treatments and haven’t traversed the long, arduous path of repeated surgeries that don’t work with stretchy connective tissue.
• I started my journey with really strong muscles that have held me together for longer than many other people with Ehlers-Danlos.
• I am willing to try new things to get better.
• I have an absolutely amazing chiropractor (Uncle Wayne) who is walking this path with me and helping me navigate the healing process.
• I have really, really good days when nothing at all seems wrong with me and I am able to get quite a bit done on those days.
• I have older children who can do a lot of the cooking and cleaning in our home and little ones who are resilient and have been blessed to deal with having partially non-functioning mother for the past fifteen months.
• I have received numerous priesthood blessings that have given me peace and healing.
• I have been able to keep teaching gymnastics with A LOT of help from my assistants and a lot of patience on the part of my students.
• I have an amazing life. A really amazing life. A life full of love and fun and service and growth and opportunities and support and good food and laughter and hugs and faith and adventures.

I am so blessed. And so today while I am hurting I am going to choose to focus on the blessings and once again, let the anger go.