kind of resolutions, but not quite

Jan 4, 2014

With the new year I have been pondering what I want to focus on, change, get rid of, and accomplish. I am not quite up to making resolutions because they feel quite daunting right now…a little too much to bite off at the moment…but I do want to implement a few things in my life.

Fear

I have some fear I want to finally let go of completely. I have been fearful of doing anything to reinjure my hip. If I open the labral tear back up there isn’t a way to fix it. Surgery is not a good idea because of my defective connective tissue and Prolozone injections are no longer an option due to my allergy to local anesthetics. So I am a bit scared to exercise and work to strengthen my hip when it seems such a precarious tightrope to traverse. Not exercising = more dislocations, more shaking, more passing out, more pain. Exercising = possible reinjury to the tear OR possible muscle growth, less dislocations, less shaking, less passing out. So far it is working. I am getting stronger. I am much more stable than I was even a few short weeks ago. But golly, that little bit of fear is still there. I believe I CANNOT EVER GO BACK TO THE DEBILITATING PAIN LEVELS OF SPRING 2012. But, I need to let that belief go and TRUST that whatever happens I am not alone on my journey and God will see me through. I want to believe that giving healing my best effort is my part of the deal and God helping me accept the consequences, whatever they may be, is His part of the deal. It is hard. So very hard. I want to control the consequences. I want a signed contract from the universe that if I do x, y, and z, I will get better. I will stop passing out. I will get be able to sit. I will stop being a burden on those around me. But there are no guarantees, there is choice. And right now my choice is to trust Jeremy and do the exercises he recommends for me each week and hold on to hope. Yes, I am choosing hope.

Mothering

I have spent far too much time hooked into technology and want to make some changes. I want to look my children in the eyes more often and to be fully present with them in many moments of the day. I have decided to turn off my iPad by 8:30 in the morning and not turn it on again until 1:00. Those hours are dedicated to my children and I am going to make them as magical and nurturing as I can. I am going to look in their eyes and connect with their souls. I am going to fill up their long-neglected tanks and help them know their mama is back.

Education

We have spent the past two days decluttering and reorganizing our learning materials. Boy howdy, we have a lot of awesome stuff! Unfortunately a lot of it hasn’t been utilized because I have been in survival mode homeschooling since about mid-2011 when we found the breast lump. I have decided to revert to my old methods of success and spend some time each Sunday planning out our learning for the week by going downstairs and selecting books, games, manipulatives, and other cool resources to introduce during the week. So exciting! My two little ones have missed out on lots of our cool stuff and it is time they discover the magic and wonder of learning in our home.

I also need to really focus on my study time. 1:30-3:30 is my time to read and study for the class I am mentoring this semester. It is going to be quite an adventure along with a lot of work – I am super-duper excited about it!

Healing

My exercise routine has to take priority in my life. The only way to make it happen every day is for me to do it in the morning before 8:30. For the last long while this has been my time to do genealogy and have peace and quiet before the day with my children starts. But now, it needs to be devoted to healing. I need about 45 minutes to get through my supplement taking, the exercises Jeremy has given me, and my new MELT routine on my hands and feet. I have never succeeded at doing anything on a consistent basis in the morning. Ever. This would probably be easy for many people, but it is going to be next to impossible for me.

BUT I AM DETERMINED.

Everything else in my life is on survival mode or maintenance mode so I can focus on these four areas. I’ll report back at the end of the month and let you know how I am doing. Pray for me to have heavenly assistance and inner resolve. I need both so, so much!