one year of shaking, one year of miracles

Jan 8, 2014

Today marks the one year anniversary of the shaking/passing out episodes. It all started January 8 at my ninth round of Prolozone injections. I was terrified for that injection and didn’t know how I was going to make myself get up on the table one more time, but I did it and it wasn’t too bad…and then the shaking started and I collapsed.

I have continued to shake, have a racing heart, blue hands, crazy temperature swings, and hundreds of passing out episodes over the ensuing twelve months. When I think about it, I am amazed. Completely amazed at the crazy, embarrassing situations my body has put me through. Completely amazed at the kindness that has been poured out upon me. Completely amazed at the miracles we have been blessed with this year that have enabled me to endure.

I have been beyond touchy and easily irritated all day. I didn’t even realize today was THE day until I came downstairs to read old posts. I thought the anniversary was tomorrow and didn’t really know how to feel about it…grateful? Sad? But now that I realize today is THE day, I think it is pretty natural for me to be feeling this way. Emotionally I am feeling much the same way my body must have felt during those injections…irritated, jumpy, attacked by foreign substances. All day long I have been feeling that way…I would be having a normal conversation with one of my children and then the smallest little thing would irritate me and prickly words full of daggers and empty of love would spew out of me. My poor children. Really. They have put up with so much gunk from their mama.

I just read all the entries from January 2013.

Whoa.

So much pain.

So much fear.

So much kindness.

So much mercy.

So much love.

So much goodness.

So much friendship.

So much tenderness.

So much.

It is a month to be remembered and cherished. I want to always remember how powerful a community of friendship can be in healing brokenness, both body and spirit. I want to always remember the tender mercies of the Lord that saved my husband from a terrible accident. I want to always remember the prayers and blessings that were given. I want to always remember my husband’s tender care. I want to always, always remember the love of my God.

Now that I have read the story of that overwhelmingly difficult month, I am no longer irritated. I am grateful and full of tears of sweetness and joy.

Thank you, dear ones. You have held me in your hands and hearts and prayers and I will forever be grateful.

And now, I will go read scriptures with my family and start our new read-aloud, The Red Keep…we are so excited for it we can’t wait until summer to read it.