it’s worse than i thought

Feb 13, 2014

I don’t even want to type these words. I don’t want to see the situation clearly. I want to ignore it and talk myself out of it and convince myself it’s not real. But like my new hero, Patrick Henry, I am going to dig deep into my wells of courage and look it square in the face.

I am hurt.

I am in a good deal of pain.

I am so incredibly ready to throw in the towel, but I WILL NOT. I will keep trying.

Bright and early this morning Sheri came and took me to see Jeremy. After explaining to him what happened with the hippity-hop ball, he examined my foot and found lots of problems. The talus was shifted quite a ways out of place and several of the metatarsals were twisted. The ligaments are pulled and everything is quite sore. Putting all those bones back into place was intensely painful, but now that I am back in bed, it is back to a manageable level.

I often play this weird mind game with myself and try to convince myself nothing is really wrong. I look normal. I have great days. So I must just be a big whiney-face who is freaking out about nothing. Today was another one of those days which I think is designed to show me I am not a whiney-face. Sheri said as soon as Jeremy took off my socks she could tell my foot was misshapen and Jeremy told me this isn’t a matter of being tough or thinking the pain away – the bones were not anywhere close to where they belong and yes, it should be hurting. I believe them. At least mostly. Some of me still thinks I just need to breathe the pain away.

We don’t know what the forecast is yet. It may heal fairly quickly or I may need to go back in a walking boot or have a custom orthotic made to wear while the ligaments heal. Unfortunately, there are quite a few challenges with any of these approaches.

If I go into the walking boot on my right foot, my left foot must be in a shoe that is level with the walking boot, otherwise my hip will be even more unstable and we will cause piles of damage…and seizures, passing out, etc. But my left foot is still healing from being broken for 16 weeks and has to be in my super-stiff running shoes…which are not level with the walking boot. Trying to make them level causes almost as many problems as it solves, so we are going to try to avoid the walking boot if at all possible. But, if the right foot doesn’t heal quickly, we may need to go down that road.

A custom orthotic that would hold my right foot into a neutral position and allow the bones to be held in the correct place while the ligaments heal is another option. But, again, my hips must be level, so whatever we do to one foot, we have to do to the other. And the left foot doesn’t need the same orthotic the right foot will need. CRAZINESS.

I want to cry. Or eat piles of ice cream. Or sleep for the next month. The thought of being injured again for any length of time longer than a few days is nearly overwhelming my state of mind.

Screaming is the answer, right? I can’t really scream because it alerts my nervous system, but I can scream on here.

I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS. I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH ANOTHER INJURY. I WANT TO BUILD MUSCLES AND STABILITY AND WORK MY BUTT OFF. I WANT MY LIFE TO BE NORMAL AGAIN.

And it isn’t going to be. It’s just not. It’s not something I can beat.

After Jeremy put all the bones in my foot back in place, he taped me up with his fancy tape and then got to work on my pelvis. Although I was lying flat on my back, the right side of my pelvis wasn’t even touching the table – so torqued out of place! Jeremy put all the the bones back where they go and helped the adductors and inguinal ligament relax. Then he worked on the sacrum. Sheri held my hand the whole time and helped me stay calm through the much-needed torture. I didn’t pass out, but boy, howdy am I sore. I feel like I have been pummeled by a gang of five-year-old boxers (you know, because they would punch at pelvis level) and am going to spend the day in bed with ice packs.

Our day (and perhaps our week, month, or year?) have been turned upside down, but it is okay. We will rearrange and friends will step in, and life will go on. Sheri is going to take my children to their field trip to a Jazz performance, Kat will come and get my little ones this afternoon, and Blythe will drive herself and Kez to our group music lessons later today. Then she has Youth Symphony tonight and Kez has a City Council meeting to attend for her Key of Liberty class. But all of this will work out without me. Dear, dear friends will step in and take over my mothering duties…again.

Ohhhh. I am ready to cry.

I am grateful, so very grateful for the love and help that surrounds me and fills in all the holes in my children’s lives when I am unable to do what is needed. (But dang it all, I want to do those things!)