here i am

Oct 2, 2014

A warm smile of gratitude graced my face as I went to bed last night. For I was given a beautiful gift.

I was given the gift of myself. Yesterday for the first time in many weeks, I felt the passion and joy of being Miss Tracy. I smiled real smiles of happiness and shouted real words of excitement and felt real energy moving within me.

I can use exclamation points and have them mean excitement and not flaming rage.

Glorious!

I had been wondering all week about having a book discussion at my home when I was feeling so dark and dismal. I didn’t see how it could possibly be enjoyable for anyone and frankly didn’t see how I could discuss a book with such heavy thoughts weighing down on me.

But I woke up on Wednesday feeling centered and loving and loved and me. Through the grace of God I was able to be calm and patient when Kez was in freak out mode as she got ready for her Shakespeare presentation. I didn’t yell at her or lose my patience – I was able to speak calm, soul-filling words, and help her get there on time and with all the stuff she needed. When people started coming into iFAMILY, I was able to connect with them instead of wanting to run away and hide from everyone. I was able to listen and love and care about others.

And then at our book discussion last night, I was alive and excited and it was such a gift to my soul to discover that I am still in here somewhere. After so many weeks of black sludge permeating my being, I had started to wonder if the bright and bouncy Tracy would ever be found again.

I will probably have some more black sludge days – I need to have more as I know I am not done processing the anger and hurt and violation – but now, finally, I can have some days of light and love as well.