nnnnooooooooo!

Dec 13, 2014

Whine. Grump. Complain. That is what I feel like doing. I wouldn’t let Richard kiss me goodbye this morning and basically just told my two superhero friends to take a hike. This is the ugly part of a chronic condition that keeps rearing its head in painful, debilitating ways. Sometimes I let it win and drive me to the depths of despair and I guess today is one of those days.

Ten days ago, I went out to eat with my friends and then collapsed and puked my guts out for several hours. I thought this was a one-time event. But it has continued and wore me right down. I am not hungry, nothing sounds good, and when I do eat, the food sits in my esophagus for hours and hours. Then as soon as my heart rate goes up, the food comes right out. It is disgusting and messy and mortifying. We are thinking my vagus nerve got stretched when we were out to eat and it is going to take some time to calm down.

On top of that, I passed out at church on Sunday and fell so fast and hard that Richard and Amy couldn’t catch me. My right leg crumpled underneath me and my knee was bent all wonky up underneath my bottom. The very unfortunate result is an injured LCL, MCL, and meniscus. We have been icing and oiling it all week, but it is not feeling better, if anything it is quite a bit worse. I probably need surgery, which is a whole pile of pennies I don’t have and my connective tissue disorder doesn’t work well with surgery anyway. I am so discouraged about the whole thing…the pain, the inconvenience, the money, the long-term effects, the everything.

Most of all, I am feeling like a burden. A big, fat burden who needs to go away and stop being a burden on my family and friends and complete strangers…which is why I told Jen and Kat to take a hike, I have burdened them for far too long. I cannot stop crying and I am ready to throw in the towel. The thought of another big injury to learn how to take care of and try to heal is too much for me today.