how bizarre, how bizarre

Feb 1, 2010

I have vivid dreams. Very vivid dreams. Many times I can’t figure out what is real in the morning. It is fairly disconcerting to wake up and believe that such and such happened when nothing of the kind occurred!

The last few days have been full of vivid dreams. The first night we were the subjects in lots of different science experiments. We would go to the library or the movie or anywhere else that there is a line to wait in and a scanner and when we got to the front of the line we would be “scanned” but instead of being scanned, we would be frozen and then taken as a specimen to be experimented on. There were many “sequels” in this dream, but just to give you a taste of what it was like – in one version of this a section of our brain was sucked out with a little hose and then our behavior was evaluated without that section. Then the brain matter was somehow put back in. Pretty strange, eh?

Even stranger when I woke up believing it really happened.

Yesterdays dreams were awful. In my dream I met Richard when I in reality did meet him, but I didn’t marry him. I married a controlling, manipulative, somewhat mentally ill boyfriend from high school. It was horrid – full of fighting, fear, abuse, crazy-making, and all that garbage. Then I left him and somehow found my way back to Richard, who was still wonderful and loved me. Somehow we got married and then for the next 14 years, I had affairs with a series of men and would go back and forth between Richard and these other men (who were also former boyfriends from high school). I would be with these other guys for years at a time and then would go back and visit Richard for a few months and then leave again. Truly despicable. I was so repulsed by my behavior. Finally, at the end of my dream, I hit bottom and my family invited me, my four children (my same four children that I do in reality have), and Richard to go to a water park for the day (which is really funny because Richard strongly dislikes swimming). I watched him throughout the day holding Annesley and realized Richard was who I really wanted AND needed, not all these other guys. We talked for hours and he forgave me and we started building a real life together.

It was such a nightmare! When I woke up I had no idea whose bed I was in or where I was at. I had all these awful feelings of guilt, sorrow, self-hate, longing for security, and much more. I was a wreck. I looked over and saw Richard and started shaking, realizing all the stuff in my head hadn’t really happened. He woke right up and came to my side of the bed and held me for a long time till I calmed down. I tried explaining it to him, and he just kept telling me he loved me and he was here and wasn’t going anywhere and none of that happened.

But I realized something.

It could have happened.

I was so messed up back then that I really could have caused all of that chaos in my life. I could have made those choices. I could have hurt untold numbers of people. I could have committed adultery. I could have, I could have, I could have.

But I didn’t. Through God’s grace I was rescued from that life and given this one. I was literally put in Richard’s path and knew I had to marry him. He was blessed to help me get rid of all that craziness. He was strengthened to love me when I was hard to love. He was taught by our Savior how to heal me.

24 hours later I am still deeply troubled by this dream, but I am also grateful. It showed me clearly what my life would be like without God, without the gospel, and without my dear husband.

Instead, I have a happy family, a wonderful marriage, a pretty stable emotional life, and covenants that we both strive to keep.

A world of difference from my dream. I don’t ever want to go back into that dream. It was horribly painful to watch my life unfold in this other manner, to see my childrens’ pain at my choices and the various men who came in and out of their lives, to see how much I hurt Richard by coming and going in and out of his life and how he tried to help me and love me, but I wouldn’t let him in to my heart.

Awful, awful, awful. It is very difficult to type this all out because it takes me back into it.

But this morning, I am full of gratitude for the life I do have. Full of love for my husband, my children, and my extended family (who in my dream worked very hard to get me back to Richard for good). I am ready to start another week of homeschooling my precious brood and surround them with the security they didn’t have in my dream.