scars

Apr 12, 2011

Scars remind us where we’ve been,
but do not have to dictate where we are going.

I saw this today and instantly fell in love. It spoke to me.

We sometimes let our scars determine where we are going. We believe deep down in our heart of hearts that because we did X, we are going to be X. We sometimes believe that because we endured X, we are an X type of person.

We all have scars. We all have pain. We all have sorrows and hurts and heartbreaks. We all have regrets. I know now that Christ can take the pain away. He can heal our hearts. He can make us whole.

But I remember a time when I believed Christ could heal me and still believed I was destined to a certain life. I think I knew I could be forgiven for my sins, but I still “knew” inside that I was a certain type of person. I didn’t really believe the whole direction of my life could change.

I remember as a youth believing I would never have a marriage that stayed together. I remember believing I was destined to fight with my spouse and end up divorcing him. I remember thinking happy marriages were for other types of people and that I could never break into that crowd. I hopelessly believed that no matter what I did or who I married I was already damaged goods and that I inevitably would have a miserable marriage.

I decided not to ever marry. I decided not to ever really love a man. I decided not to be vulnerable. I decided I would serve God in myriads of other ways. I decided I couldn’t live with the pain of divorce and I never wanted to have children who would have to live with the repercussions of my failed marriage.

Somehow, somewhere deep inside of me a hope lived strong that all those songs about happy families were really true. That hope stayed buried inside of me until I met Richard and right then I knew, I knew I was going to marry him. All the fears didn’t go away right away. All the scars didn’t disappear. He put up with me living in fear of him leaving me for years. I threatened to live him plenty of times…usually when we were really happy and he was being his kindest self ever. His kindness scared me. I had no frame of reference for a calm, happy marriage. I didn’t know what to do with his patience and love. So, I pushed it away. When that didn’t work, I tried running away from it myself. That didn’t work either. The rightness of our marriage would pull me back to center and I would let a little bit of that buried hope grow. Over the years, I felt calmer and calmer in the stability and peace of our marriage. It felt right to not have the desire to argue. It felt right to speak kindly. It felt right to grow closer and closer as a couple.

Now, I can see that my scars are an indelible part of who I am, but they are not the part that determines who I am. My Heavenly Father has a plan for my life. My Savior has made it possible for me to change. My husband has loved me and taught me and shown me what a family can be.

And I?

I have let that hope grow and grow until now it is filling my soul.

It is just like one of my favorite scriptures says:

Alma 32:27-28: But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than a desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.