its my party and i’ll, i’ll, i’ll, well, i don’t know know what i’ll do

May 8, 2011

What a week! I started out the week by finding a lump in my breast, freaking out, getting calm, freaking out, getting calm, crying my eyes out, making a bazillion phone calls, doing lots of internet research, making the decision to go in for a clinical breast exam and then convincing myself that whatever I was feeling was just a normal change for anyone’s breasts to make when they have been nursing for fourteen straight years and then stop.

Unfortunately that is not what was found at my clinical breast exam and I was informed that the lump is not normal and must be investigated further. I go in tomorrow for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound of the specific area where the lump is.

My emotions are all over the place. I have found myself crying all week long at the cute things my children say and the songs they sing. I have found myself looking at a friend and feeling the tears start rolling down my face. I am quiet and pensive and evaluating and trying to keep my head on straight. I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions from sad to happy to angry to grateful to worried to calm to scared out of my ever-lovin’ mind.

On top of all of this, Blythe’s performance of Twelfth Night has been each night this week. It has been so fun to see the final product of all their hard work. Their play was hilarious! It is an amazing thing to see youth discover the greatness within themselves. Each one of them has grown this year. I am grateful to be part of this homeschool group and to be so involved in the lives of these young people. Blythe and all the rest of the cast are worn right out and deserve to sleep all day today…as do their parents, the directors, and the producers.

My birthday was also this week…thirty seven big ones! Jessica’s birthday was a couple of days before mine, and Blythe’s good friend, Alanna, had a birthday this week as well, so ten of us (me, my mom, Mikelle, Kat, Jennifer, Jessica, Blythe, Alanna, Keziah, and Emma Lynn) went to a Mindy Gledhill concert and sang our little hearts out. We clapped and danced and were by far the rowdiest people at the concert, which isn’t saying much since most of the crowd behaved as if they were at a church meeting instead of a concert. Mindy’s song, Anchor, touches down deep in my soul. When I first heard it, I fell in love with Richard all over again. When he first heard it, he said “I had no idea there were two of you in the world.” I am a restless soul…a free spirit with crazy ideas and enough zest to actually think I can carry out those crazy ideas. All of them. My husband grounds me and keeps me sane and adores me. He actually adores me.

Here is Mindy’s music video of Anchor…I love it. Love, love, love it.

After the concert, we all went out to eat and had Asphalt Pie…a minty, chocolate hunk of deliciousness. I think we ate five or six of those tasty treats. We also laughed our heads off, talked about all sorts of embarrassing moments in our lives, and let the cares of the world disappear for a few hours. Such fun!

On my actual birthday, my mom and sister spoiled me rotten by getting me some new clothes at the big Kohl’s sale, took me out for a yummy lunch, bought me the fabric I have been drooling over for months (so I can make another quilt!), and bought me all new make-up. They called it a Make-Up Intervention because all the stuff I have is at least two years old and is their old stuff they didn’t want anymore because they didn’t like it when they had it. I have been wearing the same shade of eye shadow since the summer of 1996 when I was pregnant with Blythe. I haven’t had any foundation of my own since August and have been scrounging around in old empty bottles trying to dig another’s day of coverage out of the bottom. Now I have my mom’s favorite blush, Mikelle’s favorite concealer (for all the ridiculous pimples I keep getting!) and foundation, two kinds of mascara, face cleanser, two packages of eye shadow, exfoliant, lip gloss, and hair spray. I was more than a little mortified, but this morning as I got ready for church I was thrilled to have brand new stuff that actually worked well with my coloring.

Mikelle treated us all to new haircuts and I love mine to pieces! Maybe tomorrow I will work on getting my girls to take a picture of me so y’all can see my cuteness.

I have been surrounded by love, support, presents, cards, flowers, hugs, and fun all week long. I feel like I am living two lives. The one on the outside that is full and busy and such fun and the one on the inside that is scared and wondering and crying and questioning and breaking. I don’t know how to talk about it or what to say. The truth is, I don’t know anything yet. This could be nothing. But all the possibilities swirling around inside me are pretty overwhelming.

At least I will have something cute to wear to my appointment tomorrow.