so much

Dec 31, 2012

I can’t believe it is the last day of 2012. Not because it has flown by, as so many years do, but because it has been so long. It feels like this year has been about five years long.

I remember last Christmas with my family here. It is foggy and feels like eons have happened since I laid in my cousins’ arms and talked the night away. I remember last January and how excited I was to teach Zing! at iFamily. I remember the first few weeks of running with Keziah and how much I loved the crisp air on my face and the strength in my muscles. I don’t remember much after that. And it isn’t that it has been so awful…it has just been long and foggy and miraculous and hard and full of growth and n.e.v.e.r.e.n.d.i.n.g.

In many ways I don’t even feel like I have lived this year. I kind of feel like I have missed 2012. And yet, so much living has happened! I can’t wrap my mind around these conflicting emotions.

So much has happened. So many miracles. So much service. So much love. So many tears. So many spiritual experiences. So much softening of hearts. So much pain. So many thousands of acts of kindness. So much goodness. So many sleepless nights. So many days spent in bed. So much hopelessness. So much submission. So much learning. So much growth. So much heartbreak. So much laughter. So much love. So. So. Much.

I think a lifetime of experiences have been compressed into 2012 and it is too much for me to take in. Yes, I have had twelve months, but I think I need at least twelve years to process all of it.

I could write pages and pages of gratitude for all of it. I should write pages and pages of gratitude to all the people who have served me. But tonight, on this last night of 2012, I just want to lay in my husband’s arms and cry away all the pain, all the exhaustion, all the fear, all the stress, all the everything. I want to start fresh tomorrow with a heart full of hope, faith, trust, wisdom, patience, kindness, vision, and most of all, life.

I want to live.