they’re back
I am plauged by demons. They have been with me a long time, but they don’t rear their ugly heads that often anymore.
During our first three years of marriage they were a constant companion. They whispered in my mind that I would never, ever be good enough for Richard, that I could never be saved by the Savior, that I was deluding myself into thinking I could live a righteous life and be worthy of my temple blessings.
Sometimes I listened to them. Sometimes I fought them off with swords of truth. Sometimes I felt completely insane. Sometimes I knew God was winning the battle for my soul.
Always my husband loved me. Always he believed in me. Always he taught me who God is and how much I am loved by the Father of us all.
After Blythe was born, the demons lost much of their power. I knew my purpose as a mother and my value to my Heavenly Father. I knew and experienced the blessings of being a daughter of God. I settled into my role of mother and wife and sister and friend and gave my whole heart to my children. I came to depend more and more on my Savior and to love His plan for my life. I learned to trust Him and to love Him.
But lately, the demons have been visiting again. They are coming more and more frequently and I am finding it nearly impossible to vanquish them. Today they are here in full force.
Today, on Easter Sunday of all days, I woke up feeling completely bereft of any hope. I am so tired of trying. I am so tired of failing in my role of mother. I am so tired of being so inept at loving these precious beings God has sent to me.
And the demons are winning.
I know the Savior rose again. I know He is THE source of truth, light, and healing. I know only He can give me peace. I know He wants me to return to Father.
But today I don’t know that I can. I don’t know that I have any hope. I don’t know that I will ever be able to figure out how to mother my teenager in love and peace and truth.
Today I am broken. Today I am convinced that I will never deserve my husband, that I am ruining my children, that I am failing at motherhood, that I will never, ever learn how to speak the universal language of Christ’s love and that my family will be better off without me. These are the messages the demons have been sending for years. But today I am listening. Today I don’t have the strength to fight them off.
I need Jesus.
He is the only one who can fix this and win this battle for my soul.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
I just read this . . . It’s not who you are that holds you back… It’s who you think you’re not.
Sometimes the hardest thing you have to do…is stand back and do nothing.
We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday’s burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.
Every day may not be good, but there is good in every day.
People do not always make breakthroughs because they refused to quit. Sometimes they make them because they know when to quit. When they realize that enough is enough, that old patterns aren’t serving them, that it’s time to repack their bags.
Choose being kind – over being right… and you’ll be right every time.
Strength shows not only in the ability to persist but the ability to start over.
Notice . . . I have no personal advice, just things I’ve read. Just know that I was one of the worst mothers in the world and still am on many a given day, but my children, at least my girls and I have a wonderful relationship now. Hold on to that. And, seriously, many of us know what a complicated situation you are in. Sometimes it’s very hard to love someone who is determined to be difficult.
I am sorry Tracy.
Oh Tracy, I’m sorry you have those demons. You’re post is so raw, there is kindness in your sharing. I’ve fought those same type of demons my whole life, just different words. The attacks are often subtle until I realize they have hit me full force. I also find that they come during long, physically painful trials, that have weathered my body and sometimes my spirit…and then like your next post…I begin to climb out…usually at church or during FHE or scripture study, somebody’s lesson or someone else’s testimony reminds me I am a worthy daughter of God and the Atonement is for me too.
Kathy, thank you for your words. Especially the part about long, physically painful trials weathering us down. I think that is part of what is going on and it was a wake-up call to my brain to read that and realize my body has been in pain for over a year. It has worn me down in many ways. I need to acknowledge that and also do everything I can to commune with God and give him this burden.
They are not winning and never will…..”the word was God”…..words are powerful and you can say “you and God are a majority” against the bad energies you speak of. Bless you Tracy- you have helped so many of us and we pray to Father in Heaven for you. :)
Liz, I just love you. I can’t wait to meet you in person someday and wrap my arms around you for a ginormous hug. I can feel your faith and hope and knowledge and power. Thank you.
I am reading this post of yours a little too late. But Tracy, your being is far superior in strength, light, goodness, and ABILITY than any lurking dark nothingness. You have been worn down physically for a long while AND you somehow still take care of everyone. Despair comes with exhaustion and that is when we can be vulnerable to deceptions and lies.
We mothers are hit so incredibly hard by Satan because we are the Lord’s secret weapon. You have tied yourself to God and His power and redemption by making certain covenants and so when you are tired, exhausted, worn down to the last thread, cleave to those promises you know. You have kept your part of the agreement, and so God will keep His. I just opened my scriptures…2 Nephi 11:5-8. Jesus Christ is your advocate and will supply you with His grace, justice, power, mercy and DELIVERANCE for as long and whenever you need it.
Also, I know you like poems, so the poem I just posted on my blog helps remind me that children of God will always be able to overcome wickedness because we are His greatest creation. Tracy, JUST THE LIGHT, STRENGTH, AND PURE GOODNESS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LITTLE ITTY-BITTY TOE OUTSHINE ALL DARKNESS. It may not be present all the time, but you have it in you, you always have.
There are a lot of individuals that love you. That collective love is powerful and is there to lift you in your dark hours. Your Elder Brother can help you lift this mammoth burden. Give it to Him.
My heart goes out to you, Tracy. Nothing saps hope like pain. Even if your brain knows intellectually that everything is not really as dark as it seems, pain has an amazing power to crowd that knowledge out. I’m not currently in severe pain, so I can say with a clear head that you’re doing just fine. I know you are, because demons always lie. And I know you are, because I am doing just fine and I have many of the same doubts and desires that you do.
You should know that while your hope may be down, you’re giving a lot of other people hope. “If Tracy can do everything she does with all her pains and trials, then surely I can accomplish a few things I want to do.” The world would certainly feel a bright light go out without you.
As for Richard, he married you of his own free will and choice, and we all know he has no regrets. He’s a nice guy, so let’s just let him have what he wants (i.e. you) and not think about it anymore. You’ve done nothing to your children that the atonement can’t fix. It’s infinite, you know? But either way, your children don’t seem to be “ruined” to me. Do they to you? To be honest, I think these demons of yours are lacking in intelligence.
Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better since you wrote this. I love you.
Kerry, I laughed SO hard about your comment that these demons aren’t very intelligent. So stinkin’ funny! Thank you for your wisdom, humor, and love. You are a gem!
PS D&C 121-123 is about the only thing that helps me when I’m feeling dark and hopeless. Maybe it will help you, too. That and my husband’s straight-forward, no-nonsense, often amusing cousel. XOXOXO