missing them always

May 13, 2021

Sometimes my heart skips a beat and my breath catches and time freezes when I see our children’s names or see a baby that reminds me of them.

Sometimes I sob.

Sometimes I get quiet.

Most of the time the people around me have no idea I’m dying inside. Not because I’m hiding it, just because somehow I’m in this place of living and grieving at the same time.

Always I miss them. Always I yearn for them. Always they are in my heart.

Last week a cousin on Richard’s side named her baby Saylor…spelled my way instead of like the occupation of a sailor…and it shocked me to see that name on a baby announcement. I was so happy for them AND felt so grief-stricken at the same time that our Saylor isn’t here crawling all over the place and making mischief.

Yesterday I was driving down the street in Afton, Wyoming and saw a sign for a restaurant named Stella’s and time stood still as I gasped for breath. I had Mikelle’s precious children in my backseat and as I dropped them off a few minutes later, my heart broke again.

My friend has a dog named Stella. A precious two-year old named Stella in a neighboring town was just diagnosed with leukemia. A little girl who used to live in our ward is named Stella. It seems there are Stellas everywhere. And it rings loud in my soul over and over again that we don’t have our Stella in our arms.

I recognize that it would be incredibly challenging to have them here given the past year of our life and the reality of Richard’s abilities…and mine, but that doesn’t mean our hearts don’t ache with missing them.

I call Richard on the regular and just cry as he says all the right things. He sees a look in my eyes and he just knows and lets me melt into his arms and sob.

And then we pick up the pieces of our souls and keep on living…which sometimes feels impossible…but somehow day after day it keeps happening. I don’t know how and I can’t talk about it very well, because the pain is so deep, so pervasive that I can’t find words to describe it. But I feel a need to chronicle this journey in some way so there is a record of the heartache.