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gc fills me up
Ahhhh, I love General Conference. We have spent the past two days camped out in front of our computer watching and listening to the leaders of our church teach us about living Christlike lives, giving our hearts to our Savior, family life, repentance, forgiveness, hope, courage, covenants, and love, most of all, love.
I usually take my children and several of their friends to Salt Lake for Conference, but my body has not permitted me to have such a big adventure the last few conferences. I can’t walk as far as is required to make it through the building and I don’t dare try to sit anywhere without having Richard with me to rescue me if I pass out. So, I stayed home and tried to create some memorable experiences with conference donuts, bingo cards with M & M’s, coloring pages, conference crowns, paper dolls, and lots of snuggles.
Today, in between conference sessions, we celebrated Jesus’ birthday with creamed eggs, ice cream, and gifts for Jesus. Having a birthday party for Jesus is one of my favorite family traditions. We usually have cake with a huge pile of candles we all blow out together, but my foot was so worn out on Friday and Saturday that I couldn’t bring myself to stand on it for more than thirty seconds at a time, so we had ice cream instead. Everyone writes down a present they want to give Jesus, then we share a little message about His life, sing to Him, and then eat the party fare.
This conference seemed to be custom-made just for me. I’m sure it touched other people’s hearts as well, but so many of the talks seemed to be written specifically for my benefit that my heart welled up with gratitude for a loving Father in Heaven who is aware of my heartaches and questions and poured out His answers to me in abundance. Now prepare yourself for the longest post ever. It is far too long for a blog post, but bear with me. Someday my children will read these words and know I loved them, God loved them, and there mother’s mothering prayers were answered with guidance on how to teach them.
Conference Top Ten
1. Elder Holland’s talk inspired me to live more courageously for truth AND to love more deeply, passionately, and purely those around me and to spread that love as far and wide as I can. Some notable quotes:
“You may wonder if it is worth it to take a courageous moral stand in high school, or to go on a mission only to have your most cherished beliefs reviled, or to strive against much in society that sometimes ridicules a life of religious devotion,” he said. “Yes, it is worth it, because the alternative is to have our ‘houses’ left unto us ‘desolate’ — desolate individuals, desolate families, desolate neighborhoods and desolate nations … (see Matthew 23:37-38).
His “comfortable Gods” section hit home with me…cosmic humanism has lots of good things that resonate with me, but loving others and becoming aligned with our inner selves isn’t all that is needed in this life, those things aren’t enough to save us and believing in a comfortable God that requires nothing from us doesn’t ring true to me.
“Sadly enough, my young friends, it is a characteristic of our age that if people want any gods at all, they want them to be gods who do not demand much, comfortable gods and smooth gods who not only don’t rock the boat but don’t even row it, gods who pat us on the head, make us giggle, then tell us to run along and pick marigolds. Talk about man creating God in his own image! Sometimes — and this seems the greatest irony of all — these folks invoke the name of Jesus as one who was this kind of ‘comfortable’ God. Really?”
Loved his section on love changing the world.
“Christlike love is the greatest need we have on this plane in part because pure Christlike love was always supposed to accompany it.”
“Pure, Christlike love flowing from true righteousness can change the world.”
Then he said something with such power I felt his words leap into my soul. He spoke of the Priesthood keys and then testified with these words,
I am more certain that those keys have been restored and that those ordinances are once again available through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints than I am certain I stand before you at this pulpt and you sit before me in this conference.
Oh, his whole talk was wonderful, I loved it!
2. I loved President Eyring’s talk on choices, following the Spirit, and putting our family and family lines first in our lives.
Every day and every hour, you can choose to make or keep a covenant with God.
Words of scriptures and hymns will stay with our children. Fill their hearts when they are young.
3. Russell M. Nelson’s talk on letting our faith show…typing those words makes me burst into the new hit song from Frozen with a teensy change, “Let it show, Let it show!”
50,000,000 people CAN be wrong.
This really drove home the point to me that right and wrong are not defined by us as individuals, nor by popular majority. They are defined by God.
4. Richard G. Scott’s talk on focusing on the atonement of Jesus Christ as we teach our children about God and His plan for us sunk deep in my heart. The atonement is our everything and far too often I think we can get distracted from the central tenet of our faith. I remember in Little Men when Jo is teaching Nat about Jesus in such a beautiful way that Nat falls right in love with Him. This is what I strive for with my own children and his talk helped remind me to focus on teaching from a solid, personal, doctrinal foundation.
As a companion to that love, trust them. In some cases, it may seem difficult to trust, but find some way to trust them. The children of Father in Heaven can do amazing things when they feel trusted. Every child of God in mortality chose the Savior’s plan. Trust that given the opportunity, they will do so again.
Your personal testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is a powerful tool….there is no doctrine more fundamental to our work than the Atonement of Jesus Christ. At every appropriate opportunity, testify of the Savior and the power of His Atoning sacrifice. Use scriptures that teach of Him and why He is the perfect pattern for everyone in life. You will need to study diligently. Do not become so absorbed in trivial things that you miss learning the doctrine and teachings of the Lord. With a solid, personal, doctrinal foundation, you will be a powerful source for sharing vital truths with others who desperately need them.
As I retyped those words, I realize he is speaking of sharing the gospel broadly, but while I was listening, I only heart him speaking of sharing it with our children. All of my thoughts were centered on teaching my children and nurturing their faith in their Savior.
5. Quentin L. Cook’s talk on family history work and temple work was beautiful. I love researching my ancestor’s lives and lines – it fills my soul on a deep, incomprehensible level. I find my feelings surrounding temple work to be almost impossible to describe – the profound peace and joy must be experienced for one to understand.
We need to be connected to our roots and branches. The thought of being associated in the eternal realm is indeed glorious.
We finally have the doctrine, the temples, and the technology for families to accomplish this glorious work of salvation.
5. President Uchtdorf’s talk, ahhhhh. Breathe, read, ponder, breathe some more. Oh, how I love that man. His words bring great calm to my soul and hope to my heart. His ability to connect with the humanness and the divine in each of us is soothing, lifting, and beautiful.
I have had the sacred opportunity to meet with many people whose sorrows seem to reach the very depths of their soul…Often their grief is caused by what seems to them an ending. Some are facing the end of a cherished relationship, such as the death of a loved one or estrangement from a family member. Other feel they are facing the end of hope – the hope of being married or bearing children or overcoming an illness. Others may be facing the end of their faith, as confusing and conflicting voices in the world tempt them to question, even abandon, what they once knew to be true. Sooner or later, I believe that all of us experience times when the very fabric of our world tears at the seams, leaving us feeling alone, frustrated, and adrift. It can happen to anyone. No one is immune. Everyone’s situation is different and the details of each life are unique. Nevertheless, I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious.
We can be grateful!
It is easy to be grateful for things when life seems to be going our way. But what then of those times when what we wish for seems to be far out of reach? Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances – whatever they may be.
This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer. When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.
Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges. This is not a gratitude of the lips, but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind.
There are some days I am able to be grateful in this situation. There are many days I am grateful for. There are many days I am full of grief and lacking hope. On those days, I am going to turn to these words and let God teach me to be grateful in.
6. Sister Stevens shared a lovely reminder of our Heavenly Father’s deep and abiding love for each of His children.
Our Heavenly Father reaches out to each of us with His infinite love.
I learned you can feel peace in the midst of turmoil.
And she shared this quote from C.S. Lewis, my favorite author, from Shadowlands,
I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I am helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time – waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God. It changes me.
7. “It’s the load.” I need to write this on my wall so I see it every single day. These words may very well become my new mantra that helps me see more clearly and get through hard times. Elder Bednar shared a story of a man who got helplessly stuck in the snow while going to cut wood up in the mountains. He loaded his truckbed with hundreds of pounds of firewood and the weight of the wood allowed him to get unstuck.
It was the load. It was the load of wood that provided the traction necessary for him to get out of the snow, to get back on the road, and to move forward. It was the load that enabled him to return to his family and his home.
Each of us also carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints. Two guiding questions can be helpful as we periodically and prayerfully assess our load: ‘Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ on the strait and narrow path and avoid getting stuck? Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?’
Sometimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness.
Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most.
Oh my goodness. I needed those words. I can feel the load I am carrying changing my soul. I can feel Christ transforming me, every so slowly, I am being changed. But, some days I don’t want to be changed. Some days I want to go back in time a few years to when I had a working body and could go, go, go and do, do, do. And these words “it’s the load” are going to be a source of connection for me. Connecting me to Christ. Connecting me to Father. Connecting me to their plans and purposes and desires. I can remember those three little words and allow them to work in me a softening of my heart and a greater desire and willingness to share my load with my Savior whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light.
8. Elder Packer’s talk was bittersweet. He looked so old and fragile, yet his words were powerful and full of hope.
Many things cannot be taught, but can be learned.
Everything done is done in Christ’s name.
9. Elder William R. Walker’s talk kindled in me a greater desire to teach my children their personal church history story – their ancestor’s conversion stories. I know that the stories of faith, courage, and sacrifice I grew up hearing of my Rollins ancestors tied me to the Lord and gave me strength and hope when my own nuclear family fell apart. My children need those same stories. They need the stories of all their ancestor lines. And after this talk, I am determined to find those stories and share them with my children often so that they to can be strengthened by a legacy of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
The more connected we are to our righteous forefathers (and I would add foremothers), the more likely we are to make wise and righteous choices.
10. Elder Oaks’ talk in the Priesthood Session on keys, authority, and women has given me much to ponder. I feel God’s plan for his sons and daughters is glorious. I trust that, deep, down in the marrow of my soul, I know He is a God of love and right. Whatever He does is right, is good, is best. I don’t understand all the ins and outs of what is going on with His daughters (or His sons for that matter) in this day and age or even in this life, but I have great faith that someday we will be taught and will understand how His kingdom operates. And at that time, I feel I will be at peace with His plans and purposes for His daughters. I am not always at peace with them now, but I feel an absolute peace that I will have peace when it is all revealed.
I felt this conference was full of messages my soul deeply needed to hear. Now, I need to spend time pondering, writing, praying, and listening as God continues to teach me from these messages.
the merry-go-round
Gratitude. Frustration. Spirit-filled. Tears of pain. Tears of joy. Grumpiness. Lack of compassion for those I love. Receiver of compassion from those who love. Desire to whack myself over the head. So, so tired of being whacked over the head with well-meaning advice by others. So much love given to me. SO MUCH JOY at the temple. SO MUCH JOY with my family. SO MUCH JOY…and yet, ARGH, I am still grumpy. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round with each spin around the circle bringing me a whole new wave of emotions.
I have been with extended family members for the past 2 1/2 weeks and my heart is full of a myriad of emotions – love and regret and gratitude and peace and joy and pain and forgiveness and sorrow and so much more. I feel spent…like I have done a triathlon without any training and need to spend the next long while recovering.
Thursday evening was spent in the temple with many of my dearest friends and family. It was a beautiful night full of tender mercies and blankets of love. I need to write a whole post about the loveliness of it all. Oh, the JOY!
Friday my foot was doing fabulously well. I was up and actually helping at gymnastics for the first time in six weeks! Hallelujah! My hopes of healing and getting back to building muscles were coming to fruition….and then ANOTHER accident happened. A one-second action of catching my falling Annesley that sprained a new ligament in my foot. ARGH. I really could scream, in fact, I think I need to scream or cry or something, but I haven’t let myself fall apart over it yet. I spent most of Saturday in bed with muscle spasms and soreness and frustration that my body was this injured over something so, so small. Meanwhile my mama cleaned and cooked and took care of all of us…such a nice break for Keziah, but boy, howdy, that dear woman did a lot of work!
Then, I put on my courage and smile and went to the first ever worldwide Women’s Meeting of my church and it was fabulous – I cried and rejoiced and cried some more. Then Sunday we attended church and my foot hurt and I was grumpy as all get out and was mean to my dear Richard and impatient with my dear Blythe and pretty much a porcupine to be around. This new pain brought up so much fear – fear of needing to spend my life in a bubble. Fear of not knowing how to care for my body. Fear of never healing. Fear of living in a wheelchair or worse, a bed. And then the guilt for letting fear in and acting on it. Oh my, I know better. I know God loves me. I know I am in His hands. I know my body can be healed. So, why do I let myself give in to fear?
Today was PT and more pain – the talus was in the wrong position, the ligament damaged and the muscle pulled. More time to heal this poor foot…time I want to be putting towards muscle building and can’t because it is taking so long for the ligaments to recover from the hippity-hop ball accident back in February.
I am so tired of this whole thing – and I need to NOT be tired. I need to gird up my loins and fresh courage take. I need to remember the bounteous blessings and tender mercies of the Lord. I need to remember this is a long-term issue without short-term solutions and dedicate my work for the long-haul: nutrition, muscles, energy work, and most of all, becoming a loving, courageous, obedient disciple of Christ in whatever circumstance I am in.
My mama played this song for me today and I sat there and tried to let my heart soften enough to cry and feel, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let all the emotions of sadness and regret and fear and frustration come out. It takes a lot for me to cry…usually only happens the day or two before my period…and it has to build for quite a bit before the flood of emotions explodes out of me and the tears finally gush forth.
But, I need to let these words in to my heart and let them change me. I am so grateful for those around me who speak life to me…their words have given me light when I couldn’t see through the darkness, hope when I didn’t dare reach again, and courage when I didn’t have any of my own left. I want to speak life to those around me each day, especially my family members. They have all heard words of mine devoid of any encouragement, patience, or love when I really want to wrap them up in my arms and share the piles of love I have for each of them…and the love their Father in Heaven has for them. I think I will spend some time listening to this song every morning to help me remember to speak life to the hearts of those I love…and remember my Father and Savior who speak life to me.
Speak Life
by Mercy River on the album Come AliveSomedays life feels perfect
Other days it just ain’t workin
The good, the bad, the right, the wrong
And everything in betweenThough it’s crazy, amazing
We can turn our hearts with the words we say
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or dieSo speak life, speak life
Through the deadest darkest night
Speak life, speak life
When the sun won’t shine and you don’t know why
Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope
You speak love, you speak…?You speak life, you speak lifeSome days the tongue gets twisted
Other days my thoughts just fall apart
I do, I don’t, I will, I won’t
It’s like I’m drowning in the deep
Well it crazy to imagine
Words from our lips as the arms of compassion
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or dieSo speak life, speak life
Through the deadest darkest night
Speak life, speak life
When the sun won’t shine and you don’t know why
Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope
You speak love, you speak…?You speak life, you speak lifeLift your head a little higher
Spread the love like fire
Hope will fall like rain
When you speak life with the words you sayRaise your thoughts a little higher
Use your words to inspire
Trouble falls like rain
When you speak life with the things you sayLift your head a little higher
Spread the love like fire
Hope will fall like rain
When you speak life with the words you saySo speak life, speak life
Through the deadest darkest night
Speak life, speak life
When the sun won’t shine and you don’t know why
Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope
You speak love, you speak…
You speak life, you speak lifeYou speak life, you speak life
Somedays life feels perfect
two years of genealogy
Today is the day I have been waiting for – the two year anniversary of my priesthood blessing when God asked me to do the ordinance work for my ancestors. Blessed day!
I will spend today in the temple with friends and family. Together we will serve my ancestors and provide a way for hundreds of them to be family units forever. Oh, the joy!
My heart is bursting with love and peace and gratitude. I am so grateful my Heavenly Father has asked me to participate in the work of redemption of my ancestors. I have been thinking a lot about redemption lately…about the atonement of Jesus Christ, the breaking of chains, the humbling of hearts, the transformation of souls. The power of Christ to save us, to bring God’s children out of captivity and into light and hope, takes my breath away.
Last night I attended Les Miserables at Hale Centre Theatre with my sweetie. It was our birthday celebration (we like to celebrate our birthdays on April 6, the midpoint of our two birthdays, but yesterday was the only day we could get tickets, so I made peace with the lopsided mathematical equation) and we were able to spend the whole day together! Throughout the play, the word redemption played on the screen of my mind. Poor Javert believes in serving God and enacting justice, but he doesn’t grasp the majesty of God’s love to change lives. I know God changes lives. He has changed mine. He changed Valjean’s. He changed Moses’, Abraham’s, Paul’s, Alma’s, Corrie ten Boom’s, and millions more. I passionately believe in a God of miracles who can help His children find lost contacts and keys, bring wonderful people into our lives, guide us to truth, heal our bodies, inspire us to serve and bless and love one another and a million other delightful acts of love. But more important than all of those wonderful, life-changing acts, I believe he can and will and does redeem His children from sin, pain, death, and fear through the atonement of His son. He releases us from the chains that bind each one of us. Chains of addiction, fear, hate, indifference, hopelessness, loneliness, and revenge are all able to be removed by our Savior. He is THE way. THE truth. THE light.
And not only does God pour out the miracle of the atonement in my life, I have the blessed privilege of helping my ancestors develop faith in the atonement for them as well. Many, many times I am prompted to pray for one of them and often the message is one of hope and trust and faith in the atonement. Our lives can be transformed if we will allow Christ’s love for us to break our chains.
So, I have been thinking of designing a necklace for myself. I want it to say 24601 on one side and something like “Let Him break the chains and forge the links.” Then I want another piece to say “I believe in a God of miracles.” and the other side to have our children’s names or our anniversary date or their birthdates or something. Then another piece of metal to say “To love another person is to see the face of God.” I am playing around with various options, so I don’t know what I will end up with, but I feel a need to have this message of miraculous redemption made into something tangible I can look at each day. If I have it made, I will be sure to share it here.
It is time to rise and shine and get ready for a day in the House of The Lord, communing with Him, and giving more of my heart to these ancestors I have come to love so dearly. I hope my feet and my hip hold up well!
driving!
I drove home today from PT! Big wahoo for foot healing. It has been a long 5 1/2 weeks without driving. The freedom to hop in the car and go is HUGE and being without it has been quite limiting and frustrating. So, today I am grateful for the ability of my foot to move a little bit to the left and a little bit to the right and push hard enough on the brake to make the car stop.
My foot is improving! Today the talus was in place and the ligaments were much less sore. The cuneiform was still struggling to stay in place, but it is much less sore than it has been. Today I didn’t even shriek when Jeremy put it back into place.
My shoulder has been hurting for a few weeks and today we found out the wrist, ulna, 1-5 ribs, clavicle, and ball of the shoulder joint were all skeewampus. Jeremy spent a lot of time guiding all the parts and pieces back to their correct homes and now it is feeling great.
In other good news, we have just spend a wonderful weekend in the woods with Richard’s family celebrating his parent’s upcoming 50th wedding anniversary. We enjoyed beautiful trees and mountains, cousin fun sledding down a giant hill, delicious food including a Thanksgiving-like dinner, and lots of good conversation.
My three youngest are still playing with their cousins, so I am going to listen to House of Glory and clean my bathroom/closet for a little while and see how my foot holds up.
birds of a feather
I have just spent eight days with my father. EIGHT WHOLE DAYS! This hasn’t happened since he lived with me when I was a little girl. I learned we have some things in common.
He likes raspberry shakes, I like raspberry shakes…this one I remember from when I was little, the other similarities were new discoveries.
He doesn’t like spicy salsa, I don’t like spicy salsa.
He likes to start his morning with protein, I like to start my morning with protein.
He prefers to sleep on his side, I prefer to sleep on my side.
He stays up way too late reading, I stay up way too late reading.
He is a fast walker, I am a fast walker…when my body is working.
He was a smart cookie in school, I was a smart cookie in school.
He loves ice cream, I love ice cream.
We both jump to conclusions quickly. We both are convinced we are right…about pretty much everything.
Anyone who knows me personally knows I have numbers spilling out of me…dates, mileage, prices, phone numbers, etc. Well, my dad does too! He told me about a snow storm across Nebraska that he drove through five years ago and said there were 419 cars off the side of the road. That is data I would have in my head as well. He knows and rattles off the mileage across states on I-80 and I-90. He is a numbers guy and I am a numbers girl. Who knew?
We find the same things beautiful.
These may seem like small things, but to me they are huge. Finding commonalities with my dad is helping my heart be more connected.
goodbye again
The tears poured out of my soul as I watched him drive away this morning. I don’t know if I can let myself feel this much pain without breaking into a million pieces.
I remember the first time he left when I was 12. I chased after him and begged him to let me come with him. I collapsed in a heap of frustration, tears, and a broken heart when he refused and made me stay in Wyoming while he drove across the country to start a new life in a place I had never been.
I kind of felt the same way today – an urge to chase after him, a deep longing for my daddy to never, ever leave me again.
But he drove off anyway, to a life I am not a part of. And I can’t stop crying at the pain, the little girl pain and the grown-up woman pain all mixed together in one big torrent of tears.
It all started three weeks ago when he called and said he was going to come visit us on his way back from a cross-country goose delivery to California. He made this same trip in January 2009 and visited us then as well, meeting our children for the first time. Last Wednesday, he called and said he was on I-80 traveling across Wyoming. When we hung up, a voice whispered to my mind, “Call him back, see if he can wait for you in SLC, and let you ride with him to California.” I quickly dismissed the idea as ludicrous. First, how would my body handle being in a vehicle for that many miles and hours. Second, what on earth would we talk about? We have only seen each other eight times in the past 28 years and one time in the past 18 years…that 2009 visit. Third, what would happen if I pass out or start shaking or my hip dislocates. Fourth, what would my family do without me for several days? Fifth, what if he doesn’t want to be with me? All these questions and many more swirled through my head and heart. I decided it was a completely ridiculous idea, but the thought wouldn’t leave my head so I finally called Richard to talk to him about it, fully expecting him to agree with my assessment of the California road trip idea. But he didn’t. He thought it was brilliant and we should do whatever it took to make it happen.
After several more phone calls to various people I was sure would talk some sense into me, I freaked out, calmed down, and finally called my dad and asked him I could join him on his drive to deliver the geese. He seemed tickled pink and we made all the arrangements to make sure his truck would work for my body.
Bright and early the next morning, Sheri picked me up, took me to physical therapy, and drove me down to SLC to start the adventure of a lifetime. The last time I was with my dad in a one-on-one situation was 1986 when I was 12 years old. I didn’t know what to expect and I was scared and overwhelmed, but also determined to find the courage to do hard things and follow the prompting I received to go with him.
We had a wonderful time. I got to see beautiful country I have never seen before, hear all about my dad’s current life with his horses, and a little bit about his growing up life with his family. I was given a better picture of who he is, what he has been through, and what makes him the man he is. We laughed and cried and got to know each other again.
It was a gift wrapped up for me from my Heavenly Father. Three whole days with the man my world revolved around when I was little. Three whole days of connection and healing and understanding. I will treasure those three days for the rest of my life.
Then we came home and spent the past five days here with my family, playing games, eating ice cream, lots of talking, and helping my children get to know their grandfather. I’m sure the chaos of busy family life was a little much for him, but he handled it really well and spent most of his time chuckling at their individual personalities. He also became my personal handyman and went to work repairing a few of the many broken things in this house.
First he tackled the dryer that stopped heating recently. Yippee for laundry capabilities at home – no more sending Blythe to the laundromat or Kat sneaking in to take my laundry over to her house to do! Then the garbage disposal was replaced and the electrical switch repaired. Third, he fixed my poor screen door that has been hanging skeewampus and missing a screen for quite some time. I had no idea the local hardware store could replace the screening material and would do so for sixteen bucks. He even rearranged the panes so the screen section is on top and the glass is in the middle – that way the cats can’t rip the screening again. He replaced the door insulation strip so we don’t have cold air blowing in or heat leaving. (FYI, it’s not that Richard can’t do these things, he can…he just doesn’t have the time to get to all the things that need fixed.)
I have gone to bed every night with tears on my cheeks. Tears of sadness and tears of joy. It is wonderfully, fiercely hard to open my heart to all the emotions of my little girl self whose heart closed up the day he left us back in 1986. My entire being feels raw, but it is a good raw, a thawing that needs to occur to find the healing I so desperately need.
And now he is gone again. And I will cry some more and bury myself in Richard’s soft chest and warm arms and hope to see him again someday.
Goodbye Dad, I hope its not such a long time before I see you again. Every girl needs a dad.
those bones have lost their map
Tuesday night I made a mistake and kneeled down on my bed with my foot bent underneath me instead of flexed like it is supposed to be at all times…and the bones shifted out of place. DRAT IT ALL! They are so confused about where they need to be and the ligaments are not helping to orient them at all, so they keep trying out new locations in my foot. I am so hoping we are not back at square one, the place we were at 3 1/2 weeks ago. The last few days have been pretty painful and Wednesday I gave into a bit of grumpiness again. I am trying to focus on the bigger picture of trusting God, loving others, and accepting what is so these these little setbacks don’t get me down.
Sometimes I feel I might never get better, but I am holding on to the firm hope that I can. I absolutely believe I can overcome these injuries, build my muscles, and help my body learn how to live effectively with its connective tissue. I know I will always have hypermobile joints that are prone to injury, but if I can get better long enough to build some muscles, I will be in a much better spot. Each step forward seems to be met with several steps backward (or are they leaps?) and I don’t know how many injuries and weeks spent in bed my muscles can endure before they completely atrophy. My entire body is getting weaker by the day and it is going to take some serious effort to build any muscles back.
Today several ribs are tender, my shoulders are uneven, and my poor foot is super sore, so it is another weekend to be spent in bed. But I am going to do my foot exercises as much as I can, play some games with Fisher and Annes, read some more Wilberforce, and get some good naps.
It is time for my courage to persevere to emerge. Ready, set, shine!
book bonanza: when mindy saved hanukkah
My biggest strength as a homeschooling mama (well, aside from my absolute determination) is my love of reading out loud to my children. They love, love, love me to read to them. I guess I have all sorts of voices and zest that make it fun. I don’t really try to read in voices, it is just how I read…full characterization all the time. Fisher and Annesley will sit for hours and have me read to them which is pretty fortunate since I have spent so much time in bed the last two years. Snuggling in bed with them and reading the afternoon away is a common activity. When my voice or energy level give out, we stop and pick up again the next day.
Tonight we read “When Mindy Saved Hanukkah” for the first time. I must have picked it up at used book sale at the library some time ago, but I have never looked at it until Annesley brought it in and begged me to read it to her. Oh my goodness, it is so darling! All of you Jewish lovers out there need to find this book and savor the delightful story with your little ones. It is about a family of teensy people…really teensy, like the Borrowers…who live in a Synagogue and do not have any candles for Hanukkah. They need to sneak out to the Synagogue to get a big candle to melt into little candles. When the dad goes out, a cat attacks him. So then the girl of the family decides she is the one who must go and with great courage she ventures out to find a candle in spite of the possibility of being eaten by the cat. It is so, so cute!
It looks like it is out of print, so check out your library and used book stores to see if you can find a copy.
p.s. Sheri you must borrow it!
a reading adventure
Annesley and I are starting a new adventure together – learning to read! She has been playing with our moveable alphabet, writing her letters, and playing alphabet games like the Bob Books and the lovely Montessorium apps on the iPad for quite some time, but last week she decided she was ready to put in the time to learn to read. I decided to start out with the I See Sam app and see how she responded to it. I have dozens of reading curricula here in my house and different programs have worked with different children, so I thought we would just try it out and then adjust as necessary.
Well, she loved it! Each book starts out with a few sounds to master. Then the next page lists the new words that are in the book. Then the story with those very few words. By the end of the 17-20 page story, those words are pretty darn cemented in the child’s mind.
So, we started out with /I/, /s/, /S/, /long e/, /a/, and /m/. Her words were I, see, and Sam. The first time was pretty challenging for her to put those sounds together and she wanted to look at pictures and tell her own story. But then she made all her words with the movable alphabet and wrote them down and they started to make it into her mind.
Yesterday we opened up I See Sam and this time it clicked! She could put the sounds together and make sense of them. She read all of Book 1 to me. Then she read it to her grandma. Then she begged me to allow her to read Book 2. To my great surprise, she read the whole thing with a giant smile on her face, high fives after each page, and a big hug for me at the end.
We have used Jolly Phonics, Happy Phonics, Reading Without Tears, Learning to Read with the Book of Mormon, The Writing Road to Reading, Bob Books, Phonics Games, Explode the Code, and several others I can’t remember now and while I think they all have their merits, I really love the I See Sam app. I love how simple the books start out with just five sounds and three words. It builds success quickly for the child and focuses on mastery of just those few components before moving on. There are not any sounds in the words that you haven’t been taught. So many early reading programs expect sight words to be known right from the get go and that has always frustrated my children. Annesley’s favorite part is the microphone. You can hit the mic button and record yourself reading a page or the whole book. Last night after she completed reading Book 2 for her papa, she went back and recorded herself reading it and then giggled herself silly while listening to herself. Then she added in all sorts of emotion and shouting to bring the story to life and recorded it again. So fun!
Then we made Annesley’s Reading Book, a notebook with all the words she knows. We are putting one word on each page and then she can practice writing that word all over the rest of the page.
Today we will be writing her known words on index cards, hanging them up on the wall, and letting her throw a ball at the word I say. Along with our moveable alphabet, we are also making up a little activity box with magnetized Bananagram letters and a small cookie sheet.
I am convinced that helping a child learn to read can be magical. I am really hoping that with this fourth child of mine I can take all the lessons from the past three and put them to good use so it is magical. So far so good!
the container
“I love you bunches,” he said as he kissed me goodbye this morning. “Really?” I replied as I nuzzled my face closer for another kiss. “Yes, I love you,” he insisted. “But I am so broken,” I murmured back in my almost still dreaming voice. With more kisses on my cheeks and lips, he tried again, “Only your ligaments,” to which I retorted “and my cartilage and my bones and my blood vessels.” And then this gem escaped his lips and entered my heart and changed me forever, “Ah, but those aren’t important, they’re not you, they are only the container that holds you. You are so much more than your body.”
This man.
He takes my breath away with his kindness and goodness and patience.
And boy, howdy, I love him.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
