blog
my cup overfloweth
I don’t think my heart can hold any more gratitude…there is so much love in this world and I know we are being held in His hands.
Several ladies in my ward have been bringing in meals this week and although I was mortified at the thought, I finally consented to the plan and have been so grateful for each meal as it relieves the burden of cooking dinner from Richard. He and Keziah are working so hard to keep this house running that the blessing of dinner is a huge blessing indeed.
Blythe’s play has been this week and my homeschooling community has taken care of us. They completely took over my duties as Concessions Manager and while I missed selling yummy food and earning money for the acting troupe, I am so grateful that Annette (and many others!) volunteered to take over for me.
I have been unable to attend her play and have stayed in bed each night while my family has attended. Those have been long, lonely, discouraging nights. I was determined to attend the final night and did everything I could to be as strong as possible so I could. I stayed down all day and spent hours making ghost suckers for concessions. I got out of bed about 5:30 to get dressed and make myself presentable for the public. I was feeling strong and thought attending the play would be no problem at all. I was able to walk out to the waiting car with no problems and was so happy to be feeling so great and clear-headed. Then the car got stuck on my road and I could see we were going to be late. I nearly fell into a downward spiral of anger that I was going to miss the opening scenes, but somehow I was able to let it go and give it to God. I quickly called Heather, the director of the play and told her what was going on. I asked her to not rush the start of the play and that I was on my way. The whole way to the play I was still feeling strong. When we arrived and I got out to walk, I started feeling like I was going to pass out and barely made it in the door. The director was on the stage welcoming everyone and I cheered in my heart that I had made it in time, but it was taking everything I had to make it to my seats without falling over. Everyone said I was white as could be. I made it to the front row which had been saved for me to lay down on and collapsed onto the chairs while my head swam away from me once again. As I laid there, Heather prayed for me and thanked The Lord for bringing me there. Oh, the tears that flowed. Oh, the gratitude for the love that was shown to me. I can’t even describe it, my heart was so full.
After all of that, the play was fabulous. Heather wrote The Canterville Ghost based on the short story by Oscar Wilde and transformed it into a beautiful story full of humor and redemption through Christ. I loved it and was so, so grateful to be able to attend.
Afterwards, I needed to go to the restroom and Richard walked me back. Unfortuntately, I lost all my color again and started shaking. I thought we were all done with the shaking and was (and am!) quite frustrated that it flared up again. I really don’t know what to think and am so tired of people wanting answers that fit into a nice little box. Right now I don’t have answers. I am trying to get through each day the best I can.
Leaving frustrations aside, let’s move back to the gratitude.
One of the biggest lessons of my life in the past several years has been the continuous message from God that we are in His keeping. He shows us again and again in both small and dramatic ways that He is taking care of us. He is teaching us to fully depend on Him and to give Him our whole hearts. Another example of this is our recent car accident.
Richard was hit, head-on, in our brand-new-to-us 1998 Subaru Forester on the day after we registered it. It was completely totaled. I have been worried sick about the financial end of things. We had a loan for $4300 on it and the bank had told us just a few short days before the accident that the absolute most it was worth was $3800, but they would loan for the full amount and recommended we get gap insurance. Heavens no, we said, we are not paying for insurance we will never need. Then he was hit by someone running a red light and there went our brand new car that was going to save us a gazillion dollars in gas and give Blythe something safe to drive. Well, I knew this was going to cost us at least $1000 and probably more. Do the math. The most the bank said it was worth was $3800, minus our $500 deductible, and the most we will get is $3300. And what are the chances the insurance company will say it is worth as much as the bank says it is worth? These were the thoughts swirling around in my head for the past week. Add to that my worry over the IV’s at $180 a pop and the small fortune we have spent on Magnesium, Chlorophyll, doctor’s appointments, and blood draws and I have been in financial panic. Our budget has very little wiggle room on a good month, so I had no idea how any of this was going to work out and was about to lose my mind over the whole thing.
Well, on the way home from getting another IV on Thursday, State Farm called and said there is no way the car could be repaired. They laughed at me when I begged and begged and begged to not declare it a total loss. But then the good news came. They said they decided the value was $4500 and some change and then ADDED on the taxes, title, and registration fees we had paid the night before the accident, which took the value to $4818.85. They said they would be sending $4313.36 to the bank and sending us a check for $5.49. I about died. I have no clue how Heavenly Father worked that miracle out, but I have no doubt that He did.
The lovely State Farm adjustor then said, “Tracy I know you wish Richard had been driving your little Nissan, but after looking at these photos I have to tell you I think he would have been quite injured if he had been. The stronger frame of the Subaru protected him and you should be thankful he was in the car he was in. I think we would be in whole different situation if he had been in the Sentra.”
Hmmm, what a wake-up call. Grateful my dream car is crunched? Grateful? Well, yes, now I actually am grateful because my husband is healthy and whole and I have my dream car to thank for that.
There is more on my gratitude list. Much more. One of the things is a printer-angel. Some lovely anonymous angel slipped Keziah some money on Tuesday at the play to help us get a new printer. We have been without one since August and I have pretty much gone bonkers at having to run to the copy shop for every little print job. Well, the printer is here AND set up AND works with our dying router AND is simply amazing. It took all of five minutes to set up and start printing. Last night I printed genealogy stuff from my iPad from my bed and it duplexed everything automatically. It is fast and effortless and I want to shout from the sky its praises! What a dream come true!
Ready for more gratitude? My Gym Assistants have done a wonderful job teaching my classes for the past three weeks, a friend did some grocery shopping for me last night, another friend brought flowers that I get to look at every day and remember the sunny days of summer, Richard is letting me eat popcorn again, another friend let us borrow her Ticket To Ride game and the children have been loving it, Fisher found his missing glasses, a gazillion people have given my children rides to their activities, and God is helping me be loving and patient (I’m not always succeeding, but with His help, I am improving).
This is hard. Really hard. But my heart is full of gratitude and awe at the miracles God is working in our lives. He knows us. He loves us. He is with us. Of these things, I am sure.
roller coaster
Oy. My emotions are all over the place. I feel like I am on a roller coaster, up-down, all-around. I want this ride to stop.
Yesterday we had a good learning day. I was feeling stronger and more cheerful and the kids are certainly ready for me to be learning alongside them again. Annesley and I read books, played Go To The Dump and Addition Memory, talked about her future life as a mom (hilarious by the way), and had great fun. Fisher and I did math and read and did some geography stuff – he is currently obsessed with mastering all the states, which is perfect since next week he starts taking a class at iFamily all about the fifty states. We talked about decimal points and polar bears and marine turtles. Lots of things. So fun.
Then I had Keziah pull out some of our amazing books from the book box. Throughout the fall I collected some books to spruce up our winter learning. I bought some through Jessica’s book co-op and some from Book Closeouts. I gave some for Christmas gifts, but I kept a stack of them to pull out on bleak January and February morning or to sneak them into each child’s school bin to discover all on their own. Yesterday I decided it was time to pull out the first book, We’re Sailing To Galapagos. They loved it. We all loved it. The artwork, the story, the rhyming, the animal descriptions, the detailed information in the back. All of it is fantabulous. Annesley sang the sing-songy poem for the rest of the day.
So, we read another. One Moose, Twenty Mice by one of my favorite author/illustrators, Clare Beaton. I love what this woman does with felt. We grouped by fives, we counted by twos, we giggled and discovered and had so much fun snuggled up in my bed.
So, we read another by Clare, Zoe and Her Zebra. This is an alphabet book with a child for each letter being eaten or chased or something by an animal starting with the same letter. The children were able to guess most of the animals, but some were tricky and we had to flip to the back to find out the names. Umbrella bird? Never heard of that one.
Again, so much fun. And my heart was full of gratitude for my life as a homeschooling mother. Grateful for my body that could snuggle my children and learn all about animals and islands and seven + eight. Grateful for children who love me and want to be with me. Grateful for my warm blankets. Grateful for books that open up the world to us. Grateful for Blythe’s mentors who have put an amazing play together and brought out the best in their acting students. Grateful for so many things.
Then I fell apart. Again. The falling apart is kind of long…bear with me.
Keziah reminded me that I have GOT TO BUY A PRINTER so she can get her lesson plans printed for her iFamily classes, print out the paper she wrote yesterday, print out my genealogy stuff, and I need to DO IT NOW. I agree with her. Completely agree. But I have this problem where I must know all the ins and outs and pros and cons and every minute detail about a product before I buy it. It is a good thing. It is also a bad thing. A very bad thing. I researched cloth diapers for a full six months, every single day, before I decided on a brand. Same with a car seat. Same with our recently purchased and then crashed to smithereens Subaru. So, I want to make to sure I buy the “right” printer – as if there is one right or best printer…I am deluding myself, here. So, I hopped online to make a final decision on the whole printer thing. I read. I compared. I called Brother International and sat on hold for 20 minutes. I continuously got dropped off my internet service, because we have craptastic internet service, and I got more and more frustrated. Then I decided the printer issue was going to have to wait. I was going to once and for all conquer the internet problem. So, I started searching for a reasonably priced ISP in my area. More frustration. The prices, contracts, and unhelpful customer service people were enough to make me scream.
Sidenote: On Saturday, I had also tried to solve the internet problem and decided perhaps my problem is with my router and not my ISP. Richard’s laptop and our Kindle were no longer able to connect to our wi-fi and so maybe, I thought, the router was dying. I first spent 45 minutes on the phone with Amazon and was asked a gazillion questions about my router that I couldn’t answer because I couldn’t physically get to my router or to my computer where all the information is. I kept explaining that the Kindle was connecting just fine a few weeks ago, but now it is not, but still the cheerful, but unhelpful Amazon rep was unable to help me until I answered gobs of questions I had no way of getting answers to unless I could get out of bed and into my basement. So I decided to call my router company. I got on to Netgear’s website and read all about issues with my router model and finally decided I just needed to talk to someone and explain what was going on and have them tell me if it sounded like an ISP problem or a router problem. So I called Netgear’s “World Class Gearhead Service” and received anything but world class service. I got David, a man who could barely speak English and the English he did speak was so accented I could understand hardly anything he said. David, spoke with a syrupy, condescending tone and provided no service at all. He asked for my serial number, but since I couldn’t understand him and only grasped that he was asking for a number of some kind, gave him the model number. To which he curtly responded, “SERIAL, S-E-R-I-A-L.” Restraining myself from biting his head off, I told him I would call back when I had it. I called to Keziah and explained what I needed and she went and wrote it down for me. I called back and somehow got David on the other end of the line again. I gave him the serial number. He said that wasn’t right either and told me to pick up my router and look on the bottom and find the word serial and read him the number. I explained that I couldn’t do that because I am in bed and I would have my daugher get the correct number and then call back. Once again, I explained to Keziah what I needed and she went and wrote it down for me. By this point, I was done with David. I called Richard and ranted about the whole thing and gave up on solving the router problem that day. When Richard got home, he called the absolutely-not-world-class-service center and got you know who, David, again. He gave him the correct serial number and was informed our router was past its Service Plan and that if we would like to purchase a $99 Service Plan he would be glad to answer questions.
ARGH. Of course we don’t want to buy a $99 Service Plan. We could just buy a new router for that kind of money. We just want to know if we need to buy a new router!!!
End of sidenote, back to Monday.
So, I decided to call some ISPs and get some answers. I finally talked to a lovely man in the tech division of a company that is merging with my company and he explained why my internet signal has been so horrible and gave me lots of information (which I LOVE!) about how it will be improving. He listened to the whole story of connection problems and told me how to do a factory reset on my router and how to figure out if it is a router problem or an ISP problem (I think it is some of both). I wanted to take him to dinner for all his wonderfulness.
At this point, I decided I was going to have to walk downstairs and do the factory reset on the router myself. I hobbled down the stairs and was doing pretty well. I reset the router, unplugged everything, waited 30 seconds and plugged cord one back in, waited another 30 seconds and plugged cord two back in. Tested the Kindle again. Still no connection. ARGH!
I decided since I was already in the basement, I would get onto my computer and figure out my router settings for the list of questions from Amazon. I sat on my kneeling chair and got to work figuring out MAC filtering, access points, and broadcast signals. I started feeling awful. My back started spasming, my left kidney started throbbing (it has been flaring up since the passing out began), and my head felt as if I’d been hit by a sledgehammer. I gave up on the whole fix-the-router plan and hobbled back to my bed.
Once there, I started crying at the pain. I am so, so tired of hurting. My whole body is worn out and at times like this I want to give up and never get out of bed again. Keziah came in to check on me and saw my face clenched up in pain and gave me a lecture on how I should not have gotten out of bed and I should not have tried to sit at the computer. I know she meant well, but it was the last straw. How did I become so debilitated that I cannot even sit on a specially configured kneeling chair? Why has my body betrayed me? When will I stop hurting?
Full on pity party ensued and I cried and ranted to myself and tried to relax and help my back stop spasming. I was so, so frustrated with the technical difficulties of my gadgets, the phone calls from State Farm about the accident, the fact that I only have one week to be back on my feet before iFamily starts, and the lack of money and brainpower and time and control to solve all these problems. Then I put my head back on and told myself that all those thoughts aren’t at all helpful and I am blessed and so loved and I could be much worse off and sitting isn’t all its cracked up to be anyway and surely there are powerful lessons in all of this and my job is to learn them and grow in my relationship with God and stop feeling sorry for myself.
Then I called my techie brother, Cameron, and winced in pain as I laid out the whole story. He thought it sounded like my router is dying and recommended a few options. He told me I should have called him before I did all the above nonsense and he is right. I should have and would have saved myself hours of pain last night.
I didn’t get much sleep because I hurt so bad all night long, but now it is a new day and I going to try to be cheerful and positive and calm. Fortunately for Blythe and unfortunately for me it is her first day of performance in The Canterville Ghost, the play she has been preparing for since October. Richard and the other children will go to all the performances and I am hoping to be strong enough to go by Friday. Today I will miss this important moment in her life and it is frustrating me beyond belief. Last night’s jaunt downstairs showed me I should not try to go tonight. Today I want to scream. Today I want to pound the walls. But instead, I will read to my children, teach them some math, and try to spread the love of my heart into their souls.
When will this roller coaster ride end? I want to stay in a place of peace, but I keep getting spun around into fear and pain and anger and grief and hopelessness.
a new writer?
I spent today listening to inspirational talks, doing genealogy, and reading to my family. I am feeling much better tonight. I can see that I am not an utter failure and that there are many things I am succeeding at. I will probably never be a stellar homemaker and maybe I need to make peace with that while also trying to implement small things to help me function better in that role. Something to ponder during these hours I am lying in bed.
One success is in the learning of my children. Sometimes I wonder if they are learning anything. Most of the time I am amazed at all they are learning. I don’t stress about writing too much around here. I write a lot and my children see me writing. I read to them from wonderful classics and we discuss them. A lot. But I have never assigned them writing. Around the age of 13, Blythe started writing. Constantly. She takes a notebook with her everywhere she goes and writes and writes and writes. She has many stories she has created along with all of the illustrations, the character sketches, the maps, and anything else that is needed for the story. Quite Tolkien like, that one.
We have grown used to her obsession with writing, but it hasn’t spread to anyone else yet. Until now. Two weeks ago, Keziah asked me to start assigning her a paper every week. I about died of shock. But with a straight face, I promised her I would. Today she asked me to assign a new topic every three days and she asked me if I would assign her to write about different authors. Once again, I promised her I would. Then, she came back and said “Mom, we need a new printer so I can type all my papers out and make them into a book. I want a book of authors that I create. Will you get a new printer?” I told her the printer was on a long list of things on my “to-get-soon” list.
Inside I was shrieking with joy. This girl has never seemed all that interested in writing down her thoughts and yet, now something has shifted. Now she wants to make a book.
So I will help her.
That is the beauty of homeschooling.
Tomorrow is a new day in this journey. Let it come so I can begin anew.
that awful place
Last night I fell apart. I traveled to the dangerous land of Everything-Is-Awful-And-You-Will-Never-Measure-Up. Have you been to that place? It isn’t on any tourist guides’ maps because no one wants to admit it exists. But it does. It is real. And sometimes I go there. Usually only on the day before my period starts and my progesterone levels are plummeting, which was the case last night, but sometimes I visit for no obvious reason at all.
Well, last night I did more than visit. I bought a house and applied for full-on citizenship.
I tried to convince Richard that I am a complete and total failure as a wife, a mother, a teacher, a homemaker, a meal cooker, a laundry washer, a goal setter, a disciple of Christ, and a body owner. I told him over and over and OVER again how terrible I am doing at EVERYTHING and how I am ready to leave so he can get someone in here who will do a better job. I knew he would say he wouldn’t marry anyone else, that he adores me, that there is no one else he would ever or could ever want, that I am wonderful and amazing and yada, yada, yada. So I preempted him by saying I could just leave and then he would HAVE to replace me. He would have to hire someone to teach our children and cook our food and clean our house and wash our laundry because he loves our children too much to not have someone take care of them. I told him I don’t have the skills or the knowledge or the brains or the SOMETHING to succeed at this motherhood thing and it is just too hard. I need to be my grandma, to have her skills and knowledge and ability to love, but I don’t have any of it and I am so tired of trying to figure it out and failing over and over again.
Then I really fell apart (is it possible to fall apart more?) and said I hated being me. I hate my broken body and my stupid ideas and I am SO DONE with trying to improve and trying to make changes and insisting that tomorrow will be better and I will be better and I will do what I set my mind to do and then failing again. I told him I am ONLY a burden to him, only a liability, that I give nothing good to anyone, and especially not to him. That my stupid body takes all of his money and all of his time and all of his emotions and I can’t handle being a burden to him or anyone else anymore. I cried and cried and cried.
It was a doozy.
This morning I tried to revoke my residency and citizenship in that awful land, but it wouldn’t give me my traveling papers and allow me to leave. Two more hours of nonsense this morning. Two more hours of tears. Two more hours of me hating being in bed for another day and having people take care of me again. AGAIN. I am so tired of all of this.
Then, I decided to listen to this talk by Sheri Dew. I sensed I needed her straight-shooting words and absolute reliance on Jesus Christ.
And it worked. She somehow worked her magic and got me released from the before-mentioned land and back into the land of gratitude and growth and love and peace. She talked about how when she was made President of Deseret Book she felt completely overwhelmed and that after several years she went to President Hinckley and told him she needed to be replaced by someone with the skills and knowledge and acumen that she didn’t have. She presented her case very logically (just like I did) and was sure he would see her point and replace her. But he didn’t. He called her back and said “Sheri, you will figure it out.” Just like Richard said to me. And she did. And maybe I will too.
Richard thinks I am doing a great job. He loves me. He believes in me. He understands how crazy-making this whole being-in-bed thing is. He understands how scared I am. He truly believes I am a smart cookie. He helps me catch of a vision of how God sees me.
Today I am going to immerse myself in that vision and rely on my Savior to keep me far away from that land where I will never be good enough and never know peace.
inner voices
Just read this article and am now bawling. Read it. Let it sink in.
My children certainly have been suffering from my comments lately. This is a wonderful reminder to me of who I really want to be and what I really want them to hear.
I shudder to think of the things I have said that could be playing on their inner tape recorder.
the tempest is raging
Calm seas do not make good sailors.
I need to emblazon this on my heart because I am in anything but a calm sea. Um, more like a tempest at the moment.
Richard was in a car accident tonight. Again. Remember 2010 when he was hit three times? February, December, and December? Tonight he was hit in our brand-new-to-us-Subara-dream-car-that-is-fourteen-years-old. We just titled it yesterday. I rode in it for the first time this morning on my way to get my blood drawn for a whole gob of tests to be run. The car that I have researched to death and price compared for the past five months on Craigslist and ksl.com. The car that has a brand new engine, brand new transmission, brand new gazillion other things and will go another 300K miles. The car that doesn’t slide an inch on these icy roads. The car that would be super safe for Blythe to drive. The car that was going to save me a gazillion dollars in gas when I drive my children to iFamily, ballet, seminary and Scouts. The small car that my hip was actually okay in. The car I have been over-the-moon about.
Oh, the frustration over the whole thing. Thank goodness it is being tempered by gratitude. Richard is safe. He is alive and he is well. He is sore and his belly and chest are beat up from the airbag, but he is doing fabulously well tonight. He was given a beautiful Priesthood blessing that told him his Father in Heaven is grateful for the work he is doing with his family and his clients and it was just what he needed to hear. He was blessed with an extra measure of patience and an ability to get done all that is demanded of him. Trust me, he needs all those things right now. So, so much.
While all of this was going on, Fisher was in the bathroom puking his guts out. I was in bed unable to help him and Annesley was being Annesley…dancing around the house in a ball-gown full of her usual silliness.
I had a blood draw this morning and have been pretty weak all day. Then I had an IV this afternoon and while my brain feels clearer, my body is exhausted by the two trips into town. Thank goodness for Jen and Jessica entertaining me while the precious vitamins and minerals dripped into my vein. I think I would go nutso there all by myself!
When Richard called, a million tender mercies fell into place. I called Kat and told her what street Richard was on and to please quickly go find him, meanwhile Fisher was throwing up and my big girls were rushing out the door to ballet. I was trying to eat the delicious Asian Stir-Fry dish my friend Vanessa brought over, call the insurance company, cancel colloquia, holler to Annesley to help Fisher with his puking, and trying to stop my own crying, none of which I was succeeding at, when two of the ladies showed up for our book discussion having no idea I had just cancelled it thirty minutes prior. Two of the ladies my children love the most. Amy and Sheri took right over with Fisher and let me cry my little eyes out. Sheri is one of the few people in the world that Fisher would have let help him because he loves her and trusts her. She has never come to colloquia, but tonight she did and instead of discussing a book was able to help my suddenly-very-sick little boy. They quickly made phone calls to Amy’s husband to come over and give Richard a blessing. Kat showed up with my sweetie safe and sound and I thought my heart would burst at seeing him walk into our bedroom. I love this man so deeply. I love him and am overwhelmed by how many times he has been hit by other drivers running red lights. I am so, so grateful for the protecting angels that surround him. When I saw him, I wanted to jump into his arms, but instead I reached out to him with my fingers and handed him my amazing Asian Stir-Fry. That is true love, my friends, true love.
Earlier today, my friends, Tamia and Paula, came and cleaned my house from top to bottom AND took my piles of laundry home with them. When I got home from the IV and saw what they had done I was mortified, but now I am just filled with gratitude at their kindness. Filled to the brim that they would march right into my home and see what needed done and then do it. I want to be that kind of woman. My mirrors have never sparkled so much. Those two are so full of awesome I can’t even begin to describe it.
Annesley has been throwing up for days, then tonight Fisher started. Then at 9:30, Keziah walked in from ballet and threw up as well. Oh, my goodness! Can all this throwing up stop! Or at least not make it to me? So house cleaning and laundry is a huge gift because I don’t think Keziah is going to be up to it tomorrow and while I am getting stronger after the craziness of last week, I am certainly not up to snuff yet.
I don’t know how or why so many things keep going so abysmally wrong, but I am grateful for all the miracles of my life. All the tender mercies. All the protecting angels. All the cleaning, cooking, and catching hands that continue to bless me.
Thank you God, thank you angels – both in heaven and on earth. You are amazing.
Going to go and try to massage my husband’s back. He is getting a bit sore now and his back has a big, red, angry area above his left hip. Giving him a massage is the least I can do…and thanks to today’s IV I think I can.
p.s. Thanks Jen for the quote at the top. I needed to hear it tonight and after you shared it with me I decided I needed to write about the events of this day. My brain processes things best as I write about them…and I needed the therapy pretty badly tonight.
a bit better
I am continuing to improve and get stronger. I have walked to the bathroom several times by myself with someone close by to catch me if I fall. I haven’t fallen since late Friday night after Annesley threw up on me and I had to get out of bed for Richard to change the sheets. I decided to use the out-of-bed opportunity to stand at the sink and brush my teeth. They needed a good scrubbing, but it was too much for me and I fell backwards to the floor. Luckily Richard dove across the room and caught me at the last moment so I didn’t whack my head on the floor.
My emotions are all over the place and unfortunately I keep snapping at people. I don’t mean to be impatient, but I guess I am and it is all coming out on the ones I love most. Poor Blythe. Poor Richard. So far, no yelling at the other three members of the family.
My temperature regulation seems to be a bit off. I am often very warm to the touch and will even start sweating, but then I will change and be quite cold. We don’t know if this is related or not, but it is rather odd. Additionally, my left kidney started hurting quite significantly this morning. Richard worked his magic on me and it is doing much better now. This whole thing is so bizarre – I just can’t wrap my brain around it.
I continue to research Ehlers Danlos and am putting all the puzzle pieces together. It seems quite likely that my hypermobility, constant dislocations and subluxations, umbilical hernias, holes in my abdominal wall, labial tearing, laugher-induced bladder incontinence, damaged uterine ligaments after the car accident, uterine prolapse after Fisher’s birth, the excessive bleeding during the lumpectomy last year, and my hip injury are all caused by faulty collagen.
I am so, so grateful for my muscle strength. I used to be very strong and am still quite a bit stronger than any of my friends, except Liz, who is Superwoman and could make a fortune playing her on TV. Muscle strength is the only thing that really helps with Ehlers Danlos, as the muscles compensate for the ligament laxity. I am certain that my background as a gymnast and athlete and the resultant muscle strength has carried me through my life with as few serious injuries as I have and much more importantly, has been the reason I have been able to carry four children to term and birth them.
I am spending this Sabbath day in bed and wishing someone could find my new books by Elder Bednar so I could fill my mind with his words. Maybe when Keziah gets home she can take care of that for me.
what a crazy ride
I don’t know what to say. My mind is finally present enough for me to post, but boy howdy, what do I say?
I have been on a roller coaster for the past several days and while it seems the ride is slowing down, I am definitely still on it.
My Prolozone injections went really well on Tuesday. There was less pain than ever before and I was able to get off the table and actually help Kat get me dressed. I walked, quite normally, out to the front desk with a smile on my face, which is a completely foreign occurance. Usually I am in so much pain that I am holding on to someone and inching gingerly along and I am doing anything but smiling. I started to pay my bill and Kat says I put my head down and started looking really strange. They immediately called Kim, my nurse, and she came rushing to my side. I could hear her talking to me about opening my mouth, but I couldn’t open my eyes or respond in any way to her. Then I collapsed to the floor. Kat and Kim caught me and fixed my legs so my hip joint wasn’t all wonky. They tell me I was out for quite a while and people were monitoring my blood pressure, pulse, and other vitals. I finally came to and was pretty shocked to be on the floor surrounded by people.
Then I passed out again.
And again.
And again.
A long while later I was able to be lifted into a wheelchair and taken to an exam room. After resting for about an hour I was able to walk out of the office, get in the van, and start heading home. I was doing really well. I was able to talk and gesticulate and think. When I got home, Kat situated me on the couch with my ice packs and I was able to say hello to my children and tell the girls to make dinner. My hip was sore, but I was doing better than I ever had done before after injections.
The girls left for mutual and then the trouble started all over again, except this time there was a new symptom, shaking. My whole body would start shaking and then everything would go limp and I would pass out. This happened over and over and over all night long.
The next day I felt really well. My friend Jen came over to get my children registered for their iFamily classes and to take care of me. I had about 1.5 good hours where I was able to communicate, then I got up to the bathroom and passed out. As I laid on the floor with Jen, the shaking episodes started again and didn’t stop. Around this time we determined they were really seizures. Poor Jen, she had this seizing, unconscious woman on her hands and nothing she could do to fix it.
When Jen and Blythe got me back in bed we were able to make a plan to get a massive infusion of iron, magnesium, potassium, B-vitamins and a gob of other yummy nutrients. Jen made some phone calls, got it all worked out and then I rested and passed out and rested and passed out. When it was time to go, I hobbled with Jen out to the front room and was feeling super proud of myself. Then I crashed to the floor again and seized and passed out. Eric and Jess walked in right then and Eric scooped me up in his manly arms and carried me out to the car like a little baby.
On the way to the doctor I had many more passing out episodes, but somehow they got me in the office and on the exam table. I had another seizure right after we arrived and I was scared to death they were going to give up on me all together and send me across the street to the emergency room. I am not a huge fan of modern medicine and REALLY not a fan of emergency room care unless you are bleeding profusely or your heart is stopped.
The doctor came in and I fell in love with him. He was funny, personable, knowledgeable, and not freaked out by the seizures or passing out. He listened to my little voice tell him the whole story, checked out my body, declared I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome (more on that later, but here is some reading you can do now that basically sums up my entire life) which I have long suspected might be at the root of my problems.
He figured out the cocktail for my IV and started it right up. Let me tell you, my needle phobia is gone. I didn’t freak out at all about the IV. In my pre-injection life, I would have gone into a full-blown freak out over an IV needle, now it was not a deal in the slightest.
Then I laid there and let the vitamins and minerals drip into my vein. About half-way through (or sooner? What say ye Jess and Jen?) I stopped having seizures and passing out episodes. Jen was able to feed me and I was feeling much better. On the drive home I was able to talk and I called my mom and talked to her for the first time since the whole situation began. She was quite relieved to hear my voice and I was thrilled to be functioning enough to talk on the phone. The whole way home I did really well. I was able to talk and understand everything my friends were saying.
When we got home I started to get out of the car and lost all the color in my face so they got me back in and let me rest while we waited for Richard to get home and get me in the house. Fifteen minutes later he arrived and commented on how good I looked. As I got out of the car for the second time I immediately passed out and collapsed into the snow. They tell me it took five of them to carry me in the house and get me into bed. Then I had another seizure and passed out again. I don’t think I had anymore seizures after that, but I did pass out a few times that night.
Thursday morning I felt totally different. SO MUCH BETTER. I was able to walk to the bathroom by myself with Richard right next to me and after much pleading he let me take a bath while he knelt right by me. I was able to stay coherent for pretty much the whole day and the best part of all is I didn’t shake OR pass out. BANNER DAY!
Friday I continued to improve and didn’t have any more episodes although I still feel really weak whenever I have to get up to use the bathroom and it takes me awhile to recover from the exertion of walking the fifteen or so steps. Friends have been here around the clock to babysit me and walk me to the bathroom, give me all my supplements, and be all around super heroes. I have no idea how we would have survived the past many days without my amazing friends. Not only have I been given top-notch care, my children have been taken care of, meals brought in, yummy treats dropped off, and piles of love have been poured out on all of us.
It looks like I am severely depleted in iron and magnesium so we are doing everything we can to raise those levels. It seems to be working as I am no longer collapsing to the floor on a regular basis. I will get another IV infusion in a few days and am looking forward to improving even more.
In the meantime I keep swinging from being completely full of gratitude for all the amazing events of this week and really of my whole life, to falling apart and letting the fear in and getting discouraged under the weight of it all.
What a journey. Thank you to everyone who has prayed, loved, served, caught, cried, cooked, or cleaned for me this week. You are all amazing.
injection #9
Today.
In just a few short hours.
Kat is driving me down for my ninth round of Prolozone injections. I need to find her a pot o’ gold for all that I owe her for being my injection doula. She rocks this job.
I haven’t been able to sleep.
I am sick, sick, sick to my stomach. In fact it feels as though my intestines have created their own roller coaster.
We are thinking, hoping, and praying this is the last one.
Last night I knelt by the side of my bed and poured out my soul to God. I thanked Him for this injury and the lessons I have learned. I apologized for keeping my heart distant from His and thanked Him for the dependence on Him I am developing. I begged Him to make the injections SUPER-DUPER EFFECTIVE. Then I prayed for my little friend Preston who is in the hospital with a nasty E. coli infection, my friend Tasha who is winning a battle with cancer, and my friend Heather who has a painful eye infection.
Then I laid in bed for three hours completely unable to sleep.
These injections are doable…and I highly recommend them to anyone suffering from an injury. But, boy howdy, they hurt. I am totally used to the needle pain and it is not bad at all anymore, but the nerve pain is horrendous. I can’t even describe what it feels like, but the torture device in The Princess Bride comes to mind.
So, even though my logical mind tries to convinve me of how I have lived just fine through the past eight injections and insists that I look at the evidence of increased mobility and the few short days of being unable to move much after each appointment, my body is rebelling from all of that. My body says “NOOOOOOOO! No way am I going to go through that pain again. No way am I going to allow my nervous system to be (what feels like) electrocuted for the next 24 hours. No way can you make me do this.”
And so the battle of wills begins.
My logical mind will win. At least will win enough to get me on the table. But my body will fight me all the way. I will be sick and shaky and on the verge of passing out until it is all over.
Please join my prayer of effectiveness.
Please.
2013 Colloquia Books
I hold a book discussion group in my home every month and have done so for the past ten years. It is one of my favorite things. I learn so, so much from the men and women who join me to discuss human nature, philosophy, principles of freedom, and classic works of literature. I have people ask me for a book list all the time and sometimes I remember to send one to them and sometimes I don’t, so I decided to post it here so anyone who is interested can find our books easily.
January
Mama’s Bank Account by Kathryn Forbes is the story of a Norwegian family and their assimilation into American life in San Francisco. Mama is strong, nurturing, hilarious, and stubborn. We are reading this one aloud as a family and everyone is loving it.
February
Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead is a fabulous book by Brene Brown. I love her TED talk and can’t wait to dig into this book and learn more about being an authentic human being.
March
Two Old Women by Velma Wallis is a quick read. I just finished it today during my new hour long study time…started it a few days ago…it probably took me two or two and a half hours to read. It is a simple story, but it has me thinking about courage, forgiveness, peace, whining, community, determination, and hard work.
April
The Jew In The Lotus: A Poet’s Rediscovery of Jewish Identity in Buddhist India sounds fascinating! An Amazon reviewer says:
The author writes well, so well in fact that he took me deeper into concepts than I have ever been before. There are a lot of facts in this book and a lot of theology. I have no background in philosophy, theology, mysticism, meditation or any spiritual practices. And yet I was able to follow most of it.
The Jews and Tibetan Buddhists have some things in common. Their monks study sacred texts and practice debate. There are some ancient words that are common to both religions. And on a deep spiritual level, they both practice meditation and visualization.
The differences are vast though. The Jewish tradition is rooted in the family. The Tibetan in a monastic tradition. The Jews believe there is one lifetime. The Tibetans believe in reincarnation.
When the question of the holocaust came up, the Tibetan answer was that it was karma for something bad they did in their past lives when they might or might not have necessarily been Jews. The Jews were shocked by this. They felt it was blaming the victim.
The big issue in the book was about spirituality, however. Modern Judaism is based on customs and traditions and ethnic identity. It is not based on the essence of spirituality which is reached in prayer, meditation, chanting and communication with something much deeper than self, and — ultimately — results in enlightenment.
I read this book slowly, each paragraph bringing up ideas I had never even knew existed before. It was an experience in itself to share the journey with the author who did painstaking research to pull this little gem of a book together.
Recommended for someone who wants to do some deep thinking about spirituality and its place in the modern world.
May
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley is our read for my birthday month. This has been on my book list ever since my friend Kate recommended it several years ago. She said it made her ponder the issue of creation and stewardship and who is responsible for the creations of one’s hands. I can’t wait to read this and have a powerful discussion on it.
June
June 6th marks the 68th anniversary of D-Day and to commemorate it, we are reading The Longest Day: The Classic Epic of D-Day by Cornelius Ryan. I am a huge World War II junkie, but I have never read this book and it is high time I did. I want to understand every aspect of D-Day and to come face to face with the courage and sacrifice of all involved.
July
Granville Toogood’s classic book on leadership has been republished with additional information to help anyone become more effective in sharing their ideas with others. We are reading The New Articulate Executive and will practice our public speaking skills as part of our discussion.
August
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho is a short fable that has been on my to-do list for awhile. Here is what one Amazon reviewer says:
I checked this book out from the library, but I’m going to buy a copy and re-read it at regular intervals.
I read it over the course of one day, thought “nice fable” & began reading another book as soon as I finished this one. But I found that the lessons contained in this simple story of a shepherd boy seeking treasure, won’t be dismissed so easily. They must have taken up residence in my subconscious and kicked up some dust, because my mind keeps returning to the lessons of the story to find new and more subtle insights having formed.
These are lessons that we all know in our hearts, but that we forget as we get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of our material lives. Lessons about listening to our hearts and following our dreams. Lessons about living in the moment, the transient nature of possessions and the illusion that we can even “possess” something to begin with. Lessons about freeing ourselves from fear and about understanding our lives as part of the energy of the Universe and understanding that everything will work out the way it was intended to. Lessons about trusting in signs, knowing that our lives have a grand purpose and that the forces of the Universe will conspire to help us fulfill that purpose. And the lesson that all of the fortunes and misfortunes we encounter in life are part of our spiritual education, and that it’s not the earthly “treasure” we seek that’s important but the lessons learned while in pursuit of it.
If you like to ponder the meaning of life, then let your mind and spirit mull over the lessons in this book. It’s a quick and enjoyable read that will provide some new insights, or remind you of some old one’s that you’ve forgotten.
September
We are reading another C.S. Lewis (because I love Jack to pieces and learn so much from him each time I read one of his works) book this year…actually three of them – the entire Space Trilogy! I have wanted to read these for years and can’t wait to spend my summer reading Out Of The Silent Planet, Perelandra, and That Hideous Strength. Has anyone read these to their family? I am wondering how they would be as a read aloud.
October
Nothing To Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea has been recommended by Becky, a long-time colloquia member, for the past couple of years. I am interested in learning about the struggle for survival, the courage to live, and the heartbreak that is ever-present in the totalitarian regime of North Korea.
November
Do you feel overwhelmed or inundated by the plethora of choices we have available to us today? I know I do. If there are fifty different toothpastes on the shelves, one of them must be the best in terms of effectiveness and what is the best value in terms of price vs. working well. Barry Schwartz delves into the psychological effects of having too many choices in today’s modern world in The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less.
December
Emma. Yes, we are delving in to Jane Austen’s world of relationships once again. There are a hundred (thousand?) different versions out there, but I highly recommend this one because not only is it breathtaking, it is chock-full of annotations that explain the culture and time period for those of us who aren’t experts on the Regency Era and will greatly deepen our understanding of the characters and their experiences.
I am excited about our reads for this year and especially for our discussions. If you would like to read along with us, but cannot join us for the discussions, feel free to post your thoughts here or email me and we can talk back and forth about your insights!
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
