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a visit from grandma
My mama came to visit for the past five days! I looooovvveeee when she comes. Everything in our home flows better when she unleashes her magic grandmothering on my children. They adore her and she can encourage them in a way I have yet to master. She makes everything fun and enticing and down right fabulous.
She took each child on a date and out to eat and basically spoiled them to pieces. For her date with Fisher, they went to the zoo, a place he has never been before. He loved seeing the otters, penguins, snakes, camels, and keeps sharing all his new-found data points with us. She took the girls shopping and outfitted them with some adorable summery clothes that are sure to be loved.
We were able to go to the temple together! Of course, there was also much laughing and silliness because my mom has a lot of yellow in her…and so do I.
On Saturday I taught my last Worldview class (bittersweet to see it end!) and then we spent the afternoon at the lake watching the kids dig and splash. Someday I will be able to play with them again. Someday soon I hope.
The difficulties of my mom’s life sometimes prevented her from being the mother she wanted to be, but she has become a devoted, nurturing, and wise grandma. My children are so blessed to have her as their grandma. I hope I will follow her footsteps with their children!
the gift of giving life winner!
Random.com gave me #11, which is the comment by Theresa. Congratulations! Theresa, I just emailed you and will get your book in the mail as soon as I hear from you.
For everyone else I have a coupon for 10% off The Gift of Giving Life. Click here and then after you add the book to your cart use coupon code GWFWXR3F. This coupon is only good until tomorrow, Father’s Day 2012, so order now!
Summer of the Monkeys
We started our new family read-aloud last night. Summer of The Monkeys is sure to be a big hit!
the gift of giving life
I am lying here in bed feeling my ovary working hard to ovulate and while my initial and most common reaction is to cry out in pain and writhe around in misery, today I am trying something different. Today I am trying to send a message of gratitude to my ovaries. I am grateful they (at least the right one since it is the only one that ovulates) are able to ripen an egg and release it every month in the hopes of forming a new baby.
Why the change in my attitude today?
I have been reading a glorious book, The Gift of Giving Life, that is hot off the presses. My friend, Robyn Allgood, is one of the authors and asked me to take part in a Virtual Book Tour that is running from Mother’s Day to Father’s Day and I am one of the last stops. The other tour stops have been food for my soul and I bet they will be for yours as well.
This book is a compilation of essays, birth stories, and articles about the divine nature of pregnancy and childbirth by women who belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am SO in love with this book. I wish I had written it! In an amazing feat of literary genius, the authors have created a lovely blend of childbirth information, personal stories, and scriptural insights, all with the nurturing tone of a warm blanket and a cup of hot chocolate. One of the many wonderful aspects of this offering is that there is a wide variety of perspectives on both the spiritual and physical elements of birth. This is not a one-size fits all approach. Rather, it is a ‘step into my heart and let me share some of my deepest thoughts regarding my experiences as a woman’ type of book. There are stories about conception, labor, breastfeeding, adoption, miscarriage, abuse, service, abandonment, faith, courage, submission, and most of all, love. Each time I read a new essay, I am left with a feeling of love…love for the woman who shared herself through her writing, love for my Heavenly Parents, love for myself as a mother, and love for womanhood. It is a daily gift I give to myself…one story a day to soothe my soul, awaken my mind, and expand my heart (though I usually can’t stop with just one!).
When I was reading Felice Austin’s essay, “The Decision to Have Your Baby”, and Meghan Rayne-Matthews’ essay, “Healing Through Motherhood”, I was taken back to my unexpected first pregnancy and the difficult decision we made to keep our baby. I had been told by two surgeons that my abdominal wall and pelvic ligaments would not survive a pregnancy and that we needed to adopt. When we became pregnant with Blythe, we were scared of the very real possibility that I may die. After endless amounts of research in between the round-the-clock nausea, multiple priesthood blessings, temple trips, and many prayers, we decided to trust the Lord and the feeling of peace we were given. We decided to allow the pregnancy to continue and accept the consequences, whatever they might be. Thankfully, the surgeons were wrong and my abdominal wall held up just fine (my pelvic ligaments are another story!) and now we have been blessed to give birth to four babies.
When I read “Waiting for Ashleigh” my heart was overcome with love for my unborn babies, the ten we have miscarried and the others who we are waiting for. The father in this story hears and sees his daughter, Ashleigh, several times, including once when he was about to break-up with his future wife. When they do marry, they think Ashleigh will be their first child born, but she isn’t. A little boy arrives instead. Each time they become pregnant they think it is her, but it isn’t. Three little boys and one little girl later, they are thrilled to finally be pregnant with the girl they have waited so long for. And then they miscarry. Matthew, the author, beautifully writes of pain, faith, and hope as they realize that once again they are waiting for Ashleigh.
I have recently embarked on a family history project that is changing my entire being and while reading “The Family Tree of Knowledge” by Felice Austin my heart was opened to my ancestors even more deeply. She writes, “When I was a few months into my pregnancy and feeling pretty alone, I came across this quote by Harriet Lerner:
We are never the first in our family to wrestle with a problem, although it may feel that way…learning how other family members have handled their problems similar to our own down through the generations, is one of the most effective routes to lowering reactivity and heightening self-clarity.
She continues with “I thought, ‘Yeah, right. Who does this happen to? No one else in my family has been abandoned three months into a planned pregnancy.’ I kept reading…”
If we do not know about our own family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members, and how we might proceed in our life.
She explains that she researched her line and found a great-grandmother on her mother’s side who had been abandoned by her husband while pregnant with their fourth child and a third great-grandmother on her father’s side who had been a slave and had somehow escaped slavery and raised her white master’s child all alone, in freedom. These two stories gave Felice strength to continue in her own struggles and powerful connections to bolster her up when loneliness tried to tear her down.
My mother’s family tree is rich with stories of courage, sacrifice, and faith. They have filled me with great reservoirs of determination to do what is right, to serve well, and to love passionately. I am right in the midst of discovering my father’s family tree. Lerner’s quote flipped a switch in my heart and encouraged me to go deeper, to search for their stories, and to learn from them. Through various experiences in my life I have learned I am strongly connected emotionally to my ancestors and I carry their energy patterns with me. I have an opportunity to learn from them, heal the mistakes of the past, and create a better future for my posterity. The Spirit of Elijah is real, incredibly real, and is drawing my heart to my family members before, with, and after me. This book has played a pivotal role in that heart-opening process.
One last thing this book has done for me is it has reminded me I am not alone in my walk as a daughter of God, nor as a birthing mother striving to make conscious, God-led choices for my family. I am not crazy or misled for feeling the spirits of my unborn children. Sometimes, if I am spending too much time in surface relationships, I can forget there are women who care deeply about procreation, about their divine roles as women, and about the gift that birth can be to each of us as we grow in to the beings God created us to be. The Gift of Giving Life is a gentle, yet powerful testimony to the sisterhood of women and the strength we can be to one another as we fulfill our personal missions as daughters, sisters, mothers, and friends.
Other favorite essays: “We Are Each Eve”, “The Spirit of Elijah”, “Puah and Shiphrah: Delivering the Deliver”, “Two Veils”, “Blood, Breastmilk, and Living Water”, “Finding My Motherly Intuition”, and “Healing From Sexual Abuse”, “Unity With Our Sisters”, and “Sixteen Pregnancies”.
Doesn’t it sound marvelous? Trust me…it is. I wish I had a frillion copies to give to every woman I know. I don’t have a frillion, but I do have one copy to gift to one lucky reader. Please post a comment and you will be entered into the pool of hopeful winners. A winner will be selected bright and early Saturday morning. If you don’t win or you want to buy a frillion copies for all the women in your life, I have a coupon for 10% off The Gift of Giving Life. Click here and then after you add the book to your cart use coupon code GWFWXR3F. This coupon is only good until Father’s Day 2012…so you only have a few days to take advantage of it.
Visit The Gift of Giving Life site to sign up for their newsletter and to receive a free Meditation MP3 as well as tips to help increase spirituality in your pregnancy and birth.
If you would like to read more of my birth experiences (I think they are pretty amazing stories!), here are our birth stories and here is our journey through miscarriage.
I hope you have enjoyed this stop on the Virtual Book Tour. Be sure to check out Segullah’s post on Sunday. I for one can’t wait to read it!
on the back of a crocodile
When I was a girl (and even when I was an adult) my grandmother loved to sing this song. She actually loved to sing pretty much any song. She had a beautiful voice and she sang all sorts of songs…made up ones, family favorites, folk songs, songs of faith, and anything else that would pop in her head.
I have been trying to remember the words to the crocodile for a few weeks now so I can teach it to Fisher and Annesley, but I couldn’t get the words right. So tonight we called my mama and she belted it out for us, actions and all. Now that we know it, I am going to record it here for my posterity.
Oh, she sailed away on a sunny, summer day
On the back of a crocodile.
“You see,” said she, “he’s as tame as tame can be,
I’ll ride him down the Nile!”
But, the croc winked his eye as she waved them all goodbye,
Wearing a happy smile.
At the end of the ride, the lady was inside,
And, the smile was on the crocodile!
I can still see the twinkle in her eye as she sang this song to us. I miss her and I love singing her songs to my kiddos.
sacred sabbaths: d&c 58:3
Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
A couple of weeks ago I was given these words to ponder. They changed my life and I want to remember them always. I want to remember that I don’t know, I can’t understand the ways of God. I can’t see his purposes for my experiences.
But I CAN trust. I CAN believe. I CAN have faith that He loves me and is working for my good.
Father, I thank thee for thy loving, tender care and thy wisdom in teaching me, growing me, and bringing me home to thee.
first day off
It is finally here! Richard’s first Saturday off since last August is happening right this minute.
It feels so right. So lovely. So perfect.
So far, he left for the temple at 5:30, came home by 8:00 and took the kids fishing (caught about 50 itty-bitty perch), and now he is taking a nap. Yes, a nap! My dear sweetie doesn’t get naps often enough and so as he lies next to me snoring away I am doing my darndest to help me not be disturbed. The little ones are playing quietly with a newly-caught frog in the kitchen, Keziah is resting on the couch and I am spread out on the snuggler.
We need more days like this!
i remember
I remember the look in his eyes the first time he saw me.
I remember the crooked smile that filled his whole face the very next moment.
I remember how I instantly knew I would spend the rest of my life with him.
I remember how being with him felt like the safest place on earth.
Nineteen years since that day. Nineteen years of being held in his heart. Nineteen years of being loved by the most Christlike man I know.
So grateful.
injection #4
I made it through the fourth round of ozone injections. Kat held my hand and I squeezed her upper arm (I hope not too fiercely…are you bruised Kat?). I had a response similar to the first injection (which if you will remember was 20+ minutes of H-E-double toothpicks), but not quite as intense and certainly not as long in duration. Thank goodness for that. I honestly don’t know if I could handle another round like the first one. I was incredibly sore on Monday afternoon, but by evening was moving significantly better. By Tuesday, I was able to get in and out of the van without hollering and today I was able to get out of bed without help.
These injections are not for the faint of heart, but they do seem to be working, so I am going to keep working up my courage and keep bringing strong hands to hold and see how far this takes me down the healing path.
swim camp 2012
We are home from our 9th Annual Homeschool Swim Camp. I took exactly zero pictures of our fun. What is wrong with me? I hope Jessica will have a lot of pictures and let me steal them!
We are red, tired, chaffed, sore, and happy. Most of all, happy. I spent much of the week with a filled-up heart of gratitude for this week of sunshine and dear friends. I spent my days in a horizontal position which was the perfect vantage point to look around at everyone. As I looked, I remembered the varied experiences I had had with the person and would feel my heart bubble up with love for them…and then I would cry.
I am so blessed.
I am surrounded by people living full lives of service, action, dream fulfillment, vibrancy, and goodness and not only am I able to be near them, I am able to be intimately entangled in their lives. I am able to create a thriving community with them. I am able to reach out to them and they reach right back to me.
It is quite magical.
The children played hard and swam hard and slept hard. Capture the Flag was an ever-present part of every day along with catching bugs and minnows, searching through the trees, roasting marshmallows, going on hikes, and swimming…always swimming. Miss Annes spent about seven hours in the pool every day. She could not get enough of it and everytime someone asked if she was ready to get out and go get some food, she would shout out “I’m a fish!” and dive underwater. She passed Level 2 as a four-year-old! She has her back stroke, front crawl, and back float down solid and totally surprised us all with her fishy-ness. Fisher passed Level 3 and finally dived correctly instead of belly flopping. Super proud of him! Keziah finished the second year of Level 6 and much to her relief, is all done with swimming lessons. Blythe finished several years ago so she filled the role of chef for the week. It was lovely to have all our meals ready for us when we came back from the pool each evening. She needs a whole pile of gold stars!
Swim Camp Top Ten
1. The myriad of hugs I received.
2. Watching Fisher swim across the pool and his big smile when he made it.
3. Waking up each morning to the sunshine and the call of the lonely sandhill crane.
4. Listening to Mary Beth’s gentle words and remembering once again that I want to be a refined woman of truth and goodness.
5. Watching all my children play Capture The Flag like their lives depended upon making it across the line. Add to this…watching Liz play and biff it time and time again. She is one fast mama!
6. Lying in the sunshine and having wonderful conversations on everything from delicious food to the atonement of Christ.
7. Watching Bob teach his class of nine distracted little ones…permasmile, lots of energy, and superb teaching that took each child into a whole new skill level.
8. Blythe’s smile after she floated down the river. I want to remember the joy on her face forever.
9. Keziah treading water…she finally mastered it!
10. Reading the scriptures with my children at night in the dark and hearing Fisher say he would tell Korihor (an anti-Christ that is trying to convince others that there is no God and you cannot know there is a God because you cannot see him) that there is a God and he is lying…with a firm voice and a believing heart.
I love this week SO much. I am so grateful to be able to give this gift to my children and my community.
p.s. My lips are now the size of Gibraltar and full of a gazillion fever blisters. I can barely open my mouth to eat and kissing is absolutely out of the question. I am covered in Lanolin and essential oils which are keeping the burning pain to a barely tolerable level, but the second it wears off I am ready to rip the lower half of my face off.
p.p.s. Tomorrow is ozone injection number four. I am hoping it is at the pain level of injection number two and nothing like numbers one or three. Please pray for healing. Fast for healing. Visualize little pieces of cartilage knitting back together. I am so ready to have my life back.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
