blog
success!
I went to church today! I stood for most of Sacrament meeting, then went and laid down on a couch for the last part. I also taught my class! Well, actually, I only taught a little bit, then I got interrupted with a meeting with our Stake President, and then I came back and finished up the last five minutes, but I am still counting it! I was there and I was prepared and I got to share my love with the girls in my class.
It was wonderful!
Tomorrow we are going to swim camp. I am really, really, I mean, REALLY hoping I do okay up there and don’t set myself back a gazillion years in healing. I plan to lay down in my little camper or on a table at the pool for most of every day and to walk around as little as possible while still being a functioning and nurturing swim lesson mama.
Come on, surely I can do this, right??????
Somehow I just need to get everything packed, meals planned, grocery shopping done, house taken care of, and then I can breathe easy and enjoy a week of sunshine, friends, and watching my little people improve in the water.
Amos Fortune, Free Man
Keziah is thoroughly enjoying the Civil War story, Amos Fortune, Free Man. Have you read it?
the universe next door
I am diving into The Universe Next Door and can’t wait to discuss it with my colloquia group.
Cafe Rio Recipes
What could be better than homemade Cafe Rio?
African Chicken Peanut Stew
I need to try this African Chicken Peanut Stew. Don’t you think it looks delish?
Inside Out Spring Roll
I am addicted to spring rolls and this Inside-Out Spring Roll dish sounds like a home run!
shifting gears
I am a bubbley, outgoing (kind of in-your-space), fun, loving, loud person. I have lots of energy and I love to share it. I love to bring people together and have a great time. I love to connect with people. As long as I have been aware of myself this is how I have been.
But things have shifted. I can’t imagine that it is a permanent shift, but it feels permanent right now. It feels like my life has been so dramatically altered that I almost don’t even know that other person who is the life of the party.
I have shifted into something somber. Not depressed, not angry, but carrying a load of seriousness that has never been inside me before.
This all started back in March when Jessica and Kat took me on the save-Tracy-and-have-a-load-of-fun trip. I received a Priesthood blessing that poured down into my soul and gave me an entirely new perspective on my life. After that blessing, I knew I needed to do the genealogy work for my father’s ancestors. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life and although I knew the Spirit of God had spoken to me and given me a direct command, I was still reticent. It took me another two and a half weeks to work up my courage to actually start. Each day that passed I felt the weight settling in on me…the responsibility and the privilege of knowing God was asking ME to do something specific was a bit overwhelming. See, I know He asks each of us to walk in His path, love our neighbors, pray for our enemies, forgive, love, and give our heart to Him and I strive to implement those practices in my daily life, but I am like most Christians in that those things are an ongoing task…an ongoing becoming…that feels critical, but not exactly imperative to happen right.this.minute. It also felt quite different from other specific actions He has directed me to do. For example, when I was pregnant with Blythe we were given a clear prompting that we were to homeschool her. Although we didn’t understand why and it felt like an enormous undertaking, it also felt like a grand adventure that would take place over eons of time, certainly not something that I needed to have happen right.this.minute. Many times I have been prompted to go say hello to someone or to take someone something or give someone money or something like that. Those things too, have felt important, essential even, but they didn’t feel like this. They didn’t feel like my whole soul was consumed. They didn’t feel like my whole world depended on obedience. They didn’t feel so much.
But this does. It feels all-consuming, like every phone call, every conversation, every other task is pulling me from where my soul has gone. I feel like I am living in one place and my body is inhabiting another and I don’t know how to bring it all back together again. I can’t sleep – I stay up all night doing genealogy or thinking about genealogy. I have been working on this for about four weeks (really only three since I couldn’t do anything while I was gone for 10 days) and I have hundreds of names put into my family tree.
My heart is full of love for these people that I am coming to know through the dates and places of their lives and I find it hard to have enough of me to give to the people around me in the here and now. I am careful to focus on my children and to read with them and snuggle and listen, but everything else kind of feels superfluous right now and I don’t know how to fix that. I want to give my whole soul to everyone I meet…I always have…but right now, I can’t. Right now, most of my soul’s energy is taken up with this mission to find my ancestors.
So if you see me or talk to me and I am not my normal self, please know I am okay, I have just shifted gears. I think I will be back…sometime.
pardee hardee
I am not up to posting today because yesterday’s ozone injections did me in, but I wanted to share my birthday party photos with y’all. Thank you to the lovely Jessica for the party wrap-up and for not posting the hundreds of simply ghastly photos she took of me.
I am hoping I will be back to a functioning level soon…today I was able to roll oover without crying (huge improvement from yesterday!) so I am counting my blessings.
the day after mother’s day
I spent this Mother’s Day cooped up in a little car, driving about 600 miles (well, Richard did the driving, I did the moaning, sleeping, and constant rearranging of pillows under my hips in a pitiful attempt to make myself comfortable) and returning to our home from being out of town for ten days. As we drove, I was aware it was Mother’s Day, but I didn’t think too much about it. I was focused on my mission of making it home without hurting my hip too badly and reuniting with my children. Fisher and Annes gave me two roses, red and pink, and a new journal. Keziah gave me a caramel apple and made a cute Mother’s Day sign for my door. Blythe changed my sheets and made my bed up with all the pillows in place. Lovely gifts and I was thoroughly surprised by all of them because I wasn’t really in the Mother’s Day mindset. Today, though, is another matter. Today my mind and heart are full of motherhood thoughts.
First, I thought of my own motherhood. I thought of how it has changed me and helped (forced?) me to become a more thoughtful, more giving person. I thought of my hopes and dreams for my life and how they never, not once, involved children. In my past life, I simply had no desire to be “bothered” by children. I thought of how grateful I am that God sent me Richard and how his gentle, stable ways softened my heart and gave me a different vision of what my life could be. I thought back to the sweltering day of Blythe’s birth and how instantly and completely my heart was transformed into a Mother-Heart.
Then, I started thinking of all the others in my life who have blessed me with their Mother-Hearts. My own mother has infused me with courage, determination, and a belief in goodness that has carried me through the experiences, good and bad, of my life. My mother has never had the safe companionship that I have with my Richard. She has never shared faith, hopes, or dreams with her husband. She has never felt cherished. And yet, she perseveres and her example of enduring has taught me more than she will ever know. Now that I am a little older, we are dear friends and I can’t really imagine going through a single day without talking to her. She is my biggest fan and supports me in all I do. Aside from her mothering, she is a rock-star grandma. She is absolutely in love with her six grandchildren and spends as much time as she can with them. She plays with them, reads to them, spoils them with ice cream, takes them swimming, listens to their bug stories, lets them sleep with her, allows Annes to rub her, comes to their special events, and believes in them. She is the most involved grandma I have ever seen and I am full of gratitude that she is able to give so much of her heart to them.
My grandmother taught me how to live a noble life and she loved me so deeply that my heart has a never-ending supply of legal love tender. Because of her I will never be bankrupt in the love department. My grandma’s influence will be felt for generations. Her example of Christlike living will be carried on through her hundreds of grandchildren and great-grandchildren and thousands of people will end up being blessed by her Mother-Heart.
I spent the past week with another grandma of mine…a grandma I got when my mom married her son when I was twelve years old. I have always loved her, but have never spent much time with her. This week we stayed up late talking about life and love and God and family. We giggled. We worked on my genealogy. We ate scrumptious food. We got to know each other as grown women and we fell in love with each other all over again.
I thought of the mothers on my father’s side, none of whom I know, but who I am coming to appreciate. I thought of their suffering and what their lives must have been like…and I became ever more grateful for my own life.
I started thinking about the countless women who nurtured me during my tumultuous growing up years. Women who loved me, taught me, and sacrificed for me. I honestly don’t know that I could have made it out of teenage-hood alive if it weren’t for the women in my small town who adopted me right into their lives and helped me shoot for the best that was within me.
I thought of my husband’s mother and how grateful I am for her and the amazing son she raised. Her choices to live the gospel, to love her children, and to teach them well bless my life every day. I thought of her struggles and triumphs and wanted to rush right over to her home and give her a great big hug.
I thought of the women who surround me now and who have mentored me in mothering. I am full to the brim with gratitude to have a support network of dedicated mothers who are striving to create strong, healthy, FUN-ctional families.
Finally, as I sit here typing, I am thinking of my children. I love them. Fiercely. I am so grateful for each of their powerful spirits and how their presence in my life teaches me lessons I need every single day. I am so grateful to be not only a mother, but their mother. These children who have been entrusted to my care are good, strong, vibrant spirits who allow me to share my heart with them. I thought of the ten babies who we have miscarried and sent them my love, knowing that somehow they will get my care package.
Right now, Blythe is mowing, Keziah is cleaning the yard, Fisher is at reading lessons, and Annesley is sleeping…and I am crying with a heart so full of love for them I think sometimes it might burst. I have given my life to them and yes, it is absolutely worth it.
I am grateful for all the Mother-Hearts out there…every single one of them is needed…and no, you don’t have to be a mother to have a Mother-Heart…you just have to love.
puppies 2012
On March 19, Sadie gave birth to eight puppies. We have been loving on them for the past eight weeks and the children have worked their little behinds right off taking care of them. They are now ready to be adopted. Three of them are already claimed, so only five are left. If you would like one of these sweeties, let us know ASAP. They are sure to be sold quick as a wink!
Bolt
Zorro
Sam
Snowy
Perry
A whole group of them swarming Kez
Don’t you need a new family member?
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
