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lift up your heart, lift up your voice, rejoice, again, i say rejoice!

Apr 5, 2015 by tracy

It’s Easter night and my heart is full to bursting with joy and peace and love and gratitude. Tears of deep thanksgiving have flowed freely throughout the day as I have thought of my Savior’s sacrifice for me and all the rest of God’s children throughout the world who have ever or will ever live.

When I last wrote I was hurting and pleading for some measure of hope. One of the many conclusions I came to was that this whole connective tissue disorder journey is hard, really, really hard, because there are no actual answers, nothing to measure and have charted out. It’s not like I can do x, y,and z and reasonably expect a, b, or c to happen. There is no schedule of treatments, no way to predict what will happen. At one point in those hopeless days of last week I actually screamed out that I would rather have cancer than Ehlers-Danlos because then I would at least know how big the tumor is or what tests could be done or what probability success rates might be. For the record, I DO NOT WANT CANCER. But going down that rabbit trail of thoughts helped me to understand for a moment why this can sometimes feel so challenging – there is no data, no answers for my information-loving brain to rely on. It can feel like I have no control of my situation. Instead I do a lot of waiting…waiting for ligaments to ever so slowly heal, waiting for my nervous system to calm down, waiting for my stomach to digest food, waiting for inflammation to subside, waiting for bones to stay in place, and worst of all, waiting and wondering what the next injury will be. The not-knowing is driving me crazy.

We are at 17 weeks with this knee injury and it is still incredibly unstable and while it doesn’t hurt very much if I lie around doing nothing, the simplest activities like riding in a car, walking, or even crossing my ankles up the pain level dramatically. And really, all I can do is wait. I can’t have surgery, I can’t take some magic pill and get those collagen fibers to knit together, I can’t do an exercise or eat some special food to make it heal. I can wait and pray and hope and wear my brace and ice it down and use my oils and herbs and drink lots of water and give my body good nutrition. It can feel so incredibly hopeless to simply wait.

And this car accident has really done me in emotionally and physically. The pain in my neck and face and sacrum, oh, my goodness, it is constant and it seems as though we are not making much progress. Every week when I see Jeremy, the pain that he works on is either eliminated or greatly diminished, but a different pain takes its place. All the vertebrae and facial bones are so loose from being jarred in the accident, that shifting some of them back into place seems to move other ones right back out of place. I think we are making progress, but it is soooooo sssssslllllllllooooooooowwwwwwww that sometimes discouragement gets the best of me.

In spite of all of this, I woke up on Friday and my heart leapt with joy. It was Passover and I could tangibly feel the joy of being delivered and redeemed and loved by God himself. My feet had a bounce in their step that hasn’t been there in months and my heart felt light and happy. Kate, my new gymnastics assistant, said she had never seen me like that and Grant, my long-time assistant smiled a huge grin and said “I have, but it has been a long time.” The joy of the Lord is real – I know because it filled my heart and took me out of that place of despair.

We had a lovely Passover dinner on Friday evening with my dear friend, Jennifer, and her four daughters, three of my Worldviews students, our friends, the Cardons, with five of their children, and our friend, Paula, who jumped in at the last minute to fill Jesse’s (Jennifer’s husband) spot. Then on Saturday and Sunday we watched General Conference and my soul was lifted and strengthened even more with the messages of faith, the great love of God, and the hope the atonement and grace of God can give to each of us.

After Conference, I decided I had to completely ignore the vice-grip pain in my facial bones and read the last 32 pages of The Wingfeather Saga on this special Easter Sunday. I have been so incredibly frustrated at my inability to read more than a couple of pages to my family since the car accident before the pain in my face is so excruciating that I have to stop and ice it down, but today I realized it has worked out perfectly. I knew (since I have read the ending of the series twice already) that the last few chapters are a type of Christ’s redeeming sacrifice and resurrection and that the story would touch our children’s hearts and help them to see the atonement with new eyes as they learned the fanged monsters could be changed back into humans devoid of the anger and cruelty of their past selves. I have known for months that these chapters contained beautiful messages of God’s grace, sacrifice, and love that would reach deep into our children’s souls and give them truths they need and I have been hungry to give it to them, but I couldn’t make that happen very quickly because it hurt so much to read aloud. But now, with perfect timing, we have spent our Easter Sunday evening crying our eyes out as our hearts were broken with the sacrifice offered, the healing of the fangs, and the price of blood that had to be paid to bring it about.

Oh, my heart! It is so full with the love of God and love for God. I love Him. I trust Him. I rejoice in Him.

This song by Charles Wesley (the son of my beloved Susannah Annesley who Annesley is named after) captures the feelings of my heart tonight.

Rejoice, the Lord is King!
Your Lord and King adore!
Mortals, give thanks and sing
And triumph evermore.

Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!

The Lord, the Savior, reigns,
The God of truth and love.
When he had purged our stains,
He took his seat above.

Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!

His kingdom cannot fail;
He rules o’er earth and heav’n.
The keys of death and hell
To Christ the Lord are giv’n.

Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!
Lift up your heart! Lift up your voice!
Rejoice, again I say, rejoice!

With Christians around the world, I rejoice that Christ was willing to come to earth and make it possible for each of us to return to our Father and become like Him as we learn to love and serve and sacrifice.

I know more dark days will probably come, but tonight, this glorious Easter night, I want to savor these feelings of peace and joy and gratitude for all He has done.

passover 2013

Mar 26, 2013 by tracy

Monday night we joined with millions of other people of the House of Israel and celebrated Passover. We spent all day Monday (and much of last week) getting ready and now that we have had our Seder two times in the past few weeks, I think we are getting to be quite the professionals. It was MUCH faster this time than it was last time. Keziah, Blythe, and I make a good team getting all those goblets, salt dishes, ceremonial plates, silverware, and candles out. I was even able to squeeze a bath in before our guests arrived!

This year we had the Brownings, the Thomases, and a brand new family in our area, the Hansons, join us for our Seder. We didn’t have all our guests finalized until about 36 hours prior to the event, but it all worked out beautifully and we were thrilled to pieces to be able to share our favorite Holiday/Holy Day with these families.

Annesley found the Afikomen for the first time and has been carrying around her prize all week long. It is a small plaque that says:

The redeemed of the Lord shall return and everlasting joy and holiness shall be upon their heads.

I love that message! Passover is all about redemption. Redemption from our sin, pain, bondage, sorrow, mortal defects, hard hearts, and anguished souls. Passover teaches us that Christ is the only answer for these circumstances and that through Him we can be healed and filled with joy, complete and everlasting joy.

This year, many of my Sheva & Shalom students and past Passover guests are holding their own Seders with their families. It makes me so, so happy that others are enjoying it and making it their own special tradition as well. I have been fielding phone calls and emails all week long helping people figure out Passover. A few people have suggested I write a how-to-guide. I don’t think that will be happening anytime soon (or ever!), but it is kind of fun to think about.

At the end of the night Annette and her girls stayed and washed dishes and helped us get the whole kitchen back in order. What a treat! It usually takes us hours and hours (days and days?) to recover from Passover, so it was really wonderful to have it all taken care of so quickly with the six of us working together.

Now we just need to put the last few dishes on their shelf in the storage room, put all the linens away, and move the furniture back into the family room and we will be back to normal!

passover seder 2012

Apr 7, 2012 by tracy

Last night we held our annual Passover Seder! We invited my Worldviews students, their parents and one student’s younger siblings to come experience our favorite holiday of the year. Due to my need to be horizontal at almost all times, my girls did most of the set-up and cleaning all day Thursday and then Keziah stayed home from gymnastics on Friday to finish up. It is a huge production to create AND it is absolutely worth it. I assigned out almost all of the food to my students (and I hope they made it, not their mothers, but I don’t know what really happened there), so setting up the ceremonial plates after people arrived took quite a bit of time and effort by everyone. The pictures are grainy, but they are all I have, so I am posting them anyway.

Fisher took over a new role this year as the “youngest child” who asks the Four Questions. He did a great job – I was SO proud of him for speaking loudly enough that our large group could hear him. It takes him quite a bit of courage to speak in front of people and he worked hard to be ready for his special job.

Annesley and her little friend, Elijah, sat by each other and whispered non-stop the whole night about matzah, juice, eggs, salt water, Elijah the prophet, boils, darkness, frogs, and Jesus. It was so precious to hear them jabbering away so excitedly for hours on end.

Excuse the blurriness…

Blythe took over my role as the woman of the house who lights the festival candles. She did a great job for her first time. In her own eventual family, she will play this role many times. I loved catching a glimpse of her future.

Keziah was the lucky child who found the afikomen! I think this is the first time one of our children has found the hidden matzah. Our hider was so sneaky it took a loooonnnnggggg time for them to find it and unfortunately Fisher banged his eye on a cinder block under our specially built Passover table and cried his eyes out for ages.

I brought a cheese (wedge-shaped mat) home from gym and laid on it during our three hour meal. It worked out perfectly! Unfortunately we didn’t get a picture of me on it.

I am so thankful to our guests for bringing the food and to my girls for setting everything up. A few weeks into this injury, I realized I was not going to be able to do Passover. It about broke my heart, so I started brainstorming how to make it happen in spite of the pain and need to be off my feet. When I proposed my food and set-up plan, everyone jumped at the chance to be involved and through many hands and hearts, we did it!

Richard breaking the matzah

A few of my students…how I love these boys!

A few of my girls…love them too!

More of the crowd

Five of them…missing three of them

Our guests loving on the puppies

Brother Jones getting the Fruit of the Vine ready…master filler! If you look carefully you can see my black skirt and grey legs in the bottom right of the picture laying down on my cheese.

Brother Lamoreaux topping off the pitchers

Somehow, we didn’t get a complete group photo like we usually do! Where is my brain sometimes? We had 25 people at our Seder Table, plus a place set for Elijah in case he showed up. As a side note, the part of our Seder about Elijah really touched me this year. I cried as I thought about the mission of Elijah to turn the hearts of the children to the fathers and the hearts of the fathers to the children. I am experiencing some pretty amazing miracles right now with Elijah’s role in bringing families together and last night I was overcome with the reality of it all. Such a tender mercy.

Thank you to everyone who helped make this happen! We were thrilled to be able to share it with you!

Here are some past Passover memories and some explanations of why we celebrate Passover: 2011, 2010.

passover seder 2011

Apr 26, 2011 by tracy

Last night’s Passover Seder was wonderful! We joined with two of our favorite families to celebrate the redemption of the children of Israel and each of our own personal redemptions through our Savior, Jesus Christ. I love the prayers, the singing, the togetherness in worship that occurs during a Seder. I treasure the legacy we are giving our children. I love the Dayenu, which is a section of the Seder where we ponder and recite all that God has given us. Dayenu means “it would have been enough” and as we think about each blessing God has given us, we all shout “Dayenu!”. Think about that. Think about the blessings in your life that would have been enough, but how God has given you so much more than those blessings. I love seeing people’s faces as they eat the maror or bitter herbs. I love the joy of the hillel sandwich after the bitterness of the maror. I love drinking fruit of the vine. I love springtime with Passover and Easter together. I love sharing the magic of Passover with other families and I hope they leave with a renewed gratitude for their Savior and an increased knowledge of His great love for each one of us.

The table before everyone arrived.

I should have taken a picture of the table at the end…it is amazing how much mess is created during the meal!

Here are the children after they played night games for awhile.

Pretty cute kids, eh?

getting ready

Apr 25, 2011 by tracy

Passover this year fell on the 19th of April…this means we should have held our Passover Seder last Monday night. Because of Blythe’s rehearsal schedule for her Shakespeare play, I rescheduled our Seder to this week and we are holding it tonight.

The furniture is moved out. The table is built and covered with beautiful cloths. The dishes are washed and set. The bitter herbs are ready. The fruit of the vine is chilling. We still have much to do, so I won’t stay here long, but if you are wondering why we celebrate Passover, read here. If you would like to know how to create your own Passover Seder, leave me a comment with your questions and I will help you!

passover

Mar 31, 2010 by tracy

We celebrated Passover on Monday night and it was glorious! I love, love, love Passover. I love sharing it with others and creating a magical experience for my family and guests. We are in our fifth year of celebrating Passover and it keeps getting better and better.

It is a lot of work. More work than I think I can pull off each year, but it is totally, 100% worth it. I love the sense of mission it gives our family. I love being connected to millions of people who are doing the same thing at the same time all over the world. I love teaching my children about the House of Israel. I love the beauty of a Passover Seder. I love hearing my husband’s voice as he teaches us the story of the Exodus. I love lighting the Sabbath candles. I love reading books to my children about how other families celebrate Passover. I love how celebrating Passover is a perfect transition into spring, into Easter, and into the Savior’s real birthday.

We have had many people ask us why we celebrate Passover. The short answer is Exodus 12:17 where God says:

And ye shall observe the feast of unleavened bread; for in this self-same day have I brought your armies out of the land of Egypt: therefore shall ye observe this day in your generations by an ordinance for ever.

Leviticus 23, Numbers 9, Deuteronomy 16, 2 Kings 23:21, and many more scriptural references command us to keep the Passover.

But really, the reason we celebrate Passover is deeper than that. More personal.

I have always felt a strong connection to Israel, to the Old Testament, to Jerusalem, to all things Jewish, to the twelve tribes. As a youth I would devour books involving Jewish characters, Old Testament maps, and Sunday School lessons about the ancient symbolism. I planned to go to Jerusalem and live my life out there, studying the Torah, speaking Hebrew, and walking where Jesus walked.

That is not the path God called me to. Instead, he asked me to be a wife and mother. He asked me to homeschool our children. He gave me a different life. A much different life, but one that I love. One that I need. One that teaches me more about love, sacrifice, and faith than a life studying the scriptures would have because I am immersed in the trenches of giving. Giving to those I have grown, birthed, and love more than my own life. Of putting someone else’s needs before my own. He knew my selfishness and self-righteousness would not be cured by living in Jerusalem studying His words.

So I am here.

However, I am trying to create a family culture of love for Christ. Of understanding of symbolism. Of thirst for the ancient truths that testify of the Savior. Of devotion to their Redeemer that is so strong it will last their whole lives through and will nourish them when they are in the difficult places of their lives.

Passover is one of my tools for doing that. The three hour meal is full of beauty that opens the heart, symbolism that opens the mind, and truth that fills the soul with knowledge.

Recently I have been reading The Hidden Christ by James Ferrell. In his chapter on Passover, he says:

In light of their enslavement, the Israelites had a real problem: They were kept from the covenant land that had been promised to their fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Somehow, in order to fulfill prophecy, Israel had to be taken out of Egypt. But, as we have discussed in earlier chapters, the covenants made to Abraham, and renewed through Isaac and Jacob were spiritual as well as temporal. Or, more precisely, the temporal aspects of those covenants were types and shadows of the greater spiritual blessings. The biggest problem for the Israelites was not that they were stuck in Egypt. The biggest problem was that Egypt had become stuck in them. In order to fulfill prophecy, Egypt – including the allure of Egypt – had to be taken out of Israel. Unless Israel could be reoriented to Christ, the blessings pronounced upon Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob would be for naught.

Our situation is analogous. We too are separated from our promised land – that is, we are separated from God and are not of ourselves worthy to enter into his presence. That is our problem. But we have a bigger problem: We have come to enjoy the the things that will keep us separated from God. As with the Israelites, our hearts are not fully turned to the Savior.

…and like ancient Israel, latter-day Israel is in danger of becoming intoxicated by the power of the modern culture – the gods, for example, of entertainment, technology, and commerce. If the gods of our culture have captivated us to any degree, then we too, like the ancient Israelites, are in bondage in Egypt.

Given the similitudes, the Israelite story is our story, and their predicament is our predicament. This means that their exodus must be our exodus as well, and the key to their deliverance is likely to be the way to our own.

The heart and soul of the Exodus story – and our story – is found in Exodus 6:6-8: “I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the burden of the Egyptians, and I will rid you of out of their bondage, and I will redeem you with a streched out arm, and with great judgments. And I will take you to me for a people, and I will be to you a God…And I will bring you in unto the [promised] land…I am the Lord.”

Those promises reflect both a physical and spiritual deliverance. Significantly, each promise begins with the words “I will.” If we are to be brought out from under our burdens, or freed from bondage, or redeemed, or accounted children of God, or awarded a place in the eternities, it will be because Christ has affirmatively reached out to us with “a stretched out arm.” Without Him there is no promise, for He is the promise.

Thought provoking, isn’t it? I am so loving this book! If you want help unearthing the mysteries and majesty of the Old Testament, go get this book today!

It is my great hope that through our annual Passover Seder my children will learn the path of freedom both temporally and spiritually is through Christ, that they can absolutely count on Him to do His part and that it is up to them to do theirs, and that they are of the House of Israel, not just in words, but that they identify with it on a very personal level.

This is why we celebrate Passover.

This year we had the Lamoreaux family, our Bishop and his dear wife, and the Kessinger family join us. We are always blessed with wonderful guests who help make the night a success.

The table with some pillows already placed (yes, we sit on the floor and recline – it represents freedom from bondage because slaves were required to eat standing up).