two weeks out
It has been two weeks since the first sign of spotting. It is both disturbing and comforting to see that life goes on. It just keeps going on as normal for the rest of the world and even for me in many ways. Children need fed, dishes need washed, classes need taught, books need read, friends need nurtured, and the endless list of commitments doesn’t let up. It is almost as if this little life that was inside of me has been gone for ages. As I was contemplating this thought this weekend, I was depressed about it. I thought “It has only been 12 days and I don’t want life to just go on, I want to memorialize this baby, this journey. I want to shout it from the rooftops that my babies have lived and died.”
Another part of me does want life to go on. It is familiar. It is what I do. It is busy and distracting and fulfilling and a myriad of other things. I know life cannot stop because I had a miscarriage. I know many people don’t view it the same as the death of an already born human being. I know, I know, I know. I have done this over and over and I totally get that people have no idea what to say, people are too busy to even think of it after a few days, and life just goes on. It does. I get that and yet…I needed to do something to mark this passage of my life. I didn’t know what to do. I was at a loss. I wanted a way to remember.
In walks a miracle.
My friend, Jessica, gave me the most perfect gift ever. She had an etsy seller make me a miscarriage necklace that is simply precious.
I love it.
I mean, I really, really love it.
I am not a jewelry person, but lately I have been drawn to jewelry that speaks to my soul. My mother gave me a Crowning Necklace for my birthday last year and I treasure it. I wear it often and make sure I have it on when I want to be more me. It helps me feel more alive, more hopeful, and more grounded. I am stronger and surer when I wear it.
The necklace Jessica gave me is perfect. It has nine shimmery crystals on it for each of our nine babies that have come into my womb and never made it into our arms. I don’t want to take it off. It is the exact thing I would have chosen if I had had the presence of mind to be able to figure out what I needed; it is a symbol of their souls, it is exquisitely beautiful, and it allows me to share my story or not depending on my mood and current emotional state.
I know, absolutely know, she was guided by God to have this gift made for me, because He knew exactly what I needed to move forward with peace in my heart.
Thank you Jessica – thanks for listening.
I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
Oh, Tracy… that’s beautiful, and perfect! I felt that same way… it seemed like nobody would ever remember that this little life DID exist, and I didn’t want to just act like there never was a little baby meant to come to my family. I love the idea of the necklace… you’ll always be able to hold those babies close to your heart, and have a tangible reminder. Love you!
Oh! *sob* Now I’m all weepy. You give me far too much credit, but I’m ever so glad it was just what you needed. I’m quite sure it is but a small drop in the bucket compared to the debt I feel I owe you for the friendship, understanding, and help you have rendered me.
xoxoxoxo
I love it! I suffered 5 miscarriages in my life. They never got any easier. I would have loved to have something like this to help me through. I really needed something to have to hold on the “due dates”, something that would help commerate the day that meant so much to me.
What a fabulous idea. I understand at least a little your grief and sadness. I am sorry for your loss, and amazed at your strength. Bless you for your desires to bring children into this world even though it has been such a sad and painful process so many times for you. You are a very special person.
Tracy,
I have never had this experience, but I remember well when my sister did. They had tried for years to have a baby. She finally got pregnant. I don’t know how far she was into her pregnancy. I was a teenager – she is 8yrs older than I. I knew little about these things. She came to our house. I just remember her crying. It was so full of pain – physical and emotional. It makes me teary eyed to think of it now. I’m so sorry for your loses of so many loved babies.
I love the gift Jessica gave you.