lacking courage

Mar 9, 2011

I have always thought of myself as a courageous being. Ask me to talk to perfect strangers and I will without hesitating. Ask me to perform in front of people and I will. Ask me to write a poem, drive across the country, tackle someone’s taxes, or rescue someone and I will. Ask me to make different choices than the majority, catch babies, eat weird foods, or drive through a snowstorm and I will. Confidence and courage are two of my defining characteristics.

Or so I thought.

I have been hit square in the face with a severe lack of courage.

I weaned my little Annesley last September with the intention of detoxifying my body, losing weight, getting healthy and strong, building my liver’s capabilities, dealing with my kidney stones, fixing my hormone imbalances, seeking expert’s advice, undergoing testing, etc. All in the hopes of being able to get and stay pregnant.

I have done nothing. If anything, I have become more unhealthy…I have gained weight, I have further clogged my liver, and I have completely neglected my kidneys. I have wasted the last seven months of time that I could have been doing all of the above. I have tried to convince myself that I lacked time, that I lacked money and while both of those are true, the cold, hard truth is that I lacked courage. I finally faced it last week. I realized that I am scared stiff. I am scared to really give it my all, to invest all I have in to having a baby…because what if, after I do all of the above, I still can’t keep my little one? What if I am really done and this whole process will prove it to me? What if this spirit I feel is not meant to be mine?

I can’t face those what ifs and so I am doing nothing.

I need to find some courage.

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  1. LaPriel

    That’s a lot of courage you need. I don’t have anywhere near the difficulties that you have with pregnancy. But, after trying for a year and half to get pregnant with my second child, I had an experience that helped me know it was time to go see a doctor about this. Bret was meant to be part of our family at that time. It still took a few trying months, but it worked out in the Lords time. I guess what I am saying is that it seems that when the timing is right, the Lord always helps me to know what to do. I am not patient! It is difficult for me to wait for the Lord to let me know what to do in difficult situations. But, I know He will. For me it is always a matter of timing. I rush and push and the Lord says be patient.

    Breathe deep and hang in there. You are a wonderful person!

  2. Oh, Tracy, I LOVE you!!! I know this sounds weird, but it’s so great to know that you’re human, too. Hold on. The Lord has an amazing plan for you! {{{{HUGS!}}}}

  3. tracy

    Thank you Rachel and LaPriel!

    I am pretty positive that now is the time…and yet, I am scared to give it my all. Scared to try and have my heart broken once again.

    It is SO wonderful to know there are other women out there listening and cheering for me!

  4. Anne

    You could still do all those things. You could do what you need to do for your body. And then what happens, happens. You won’t have the nagging doubt that it would have been different if you would ‘have done your part.’ You would be healthier to do all that you already have on your plate. Let the Lord take care of the rest. Someday, you will have perfect understanding of the whole situation, but don’t not take care of you in the meantime. It’s easier to blame yourself than God. But don’t go there.

    • tracy

      Yes, I certainly could, but I am completely lacking courage. Both things are entertwined in my mind and I can’t separate them out. I can’t do one without putting my whole heart on the line about our baby. I feel like anything I do is really to get a baby and I am scared to try. I can see the craziness of it, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is my current reality.

  5. Anne

    Love you so much!

  6. Oh Tracy!!! I love you. Have Courage!!! We are all here to hold you up and give you strength, just like you always do for us.

  7. Tracy, I totally understand that lack of courage. Children are the light of our lives, and not being able to get a baby here that is so close to your heart and that you can feel so deeply is heart shattering and can be paralyzing. Sometimes you have to step forward even when you don’t feel like you have the courage to do it, and just trust God to help you take each step as it comes. Surround yourself with all of the loving and supportive people you have in your life and borrow their courage if you have to. Remember choosing not to act will not insulate you from the pain or the chance of being hurt again, but taking the steps you know you need to will increase the chance that you get what your heart is longing for.

  8. Anne

    That’s exactly what I wanted to say. Remember the picture of the woman who is stepping into the darkness . . . with total faith

  9. Jenny

    Trac you are so open and honest. So real and refreshing!!! I love you along with so many others. The heart ache and loss you have suffered over and over again would rob the boldest and most courageous of their courage. You are one such person and you will triumph because you are a woman who wants to do God’s will. Courage and on to victory dear friend.

  10. tracy

    Sarah, thank you for your courage boosting words…i tell you this is kicking my pants, I just can’t get over this debilitating fear and as each day goes by I gain more weight, make worse nutritional choices, and basically, give up.

  11. tracy

    Charlene…what a loving comment! Thank you so much for understanding where I am at and encouraging me to get to a better place. We’ll see if I ever get there!

  12. tracy

    Jenny, being told I am real is the best compliment I could ever have!

    I do want to do God’s will, but right now, I am paralyzed. I hate feeling this way and I hate knowing all I know. Thank you for your powerful words…I will hold on to them!

  13. tracy

    Anne, maybe blaming me instead of blaming God is exactly what I am creating here. Pretty unfortunate choice I have made, eh?

    I need to get this purged out of me pronto…I can see that, but it’s not happening.

  14. Becky

    What a heartfelt post. You have such a way of telling your truth that it makes me want to be more real in my own life. I don’t have anything to share in the way of wisdom, but I love you & appreciate you!

  15. tracy


    Thank you for your kind words. Being real is critically important to me. I don’t always feel real, but I am working towards becoming a genuine human being. It is interesting to me that both you and Jenny commented on real-ness.

    I hope my story telling helps people in their own lives and with their own struggles. I believe everyone’s journey can bless me, so I share mine in hopes of it blessing others.

  16. Tasha

    I think you’re amazing to even be at all open to trying. I think most women would have given up long ago and decided that they were done. I don’t know anyone who could or would have handled having so many miscarriages. If it takes you a while to be able to act, that’s perfectly understandable.
    I love Charlene’s comment. Very insightful.