i may be losing my mind

Apr 28, 2012

Last night I moved over into full-blown insanity…and while I recognize that I have taken residence in the loony-bin, I can’t seem to move myself out of it.

See, I have now been walking, yes, walking, in an upright-vertical position for a week. It seems I am doing much better. For the last several days I have been the recipient of gobs of hugs and shouts of exclamation about my new walking skills. I was able to kneel down a few days ago for family prayer. I have driven two times this week.

Sounds like a huge improvement, right?

Here is where the insanity comes in.

I have NO idea if I am really doing any better. I still hurt…a lot. So I can’t really convince myself I am doing any better. When I brought this up with Richard last night, he nearly fell to the ground in a laughing spell because to him it is so obvious that I am doing better. After being in bed for nine, dreadfully long weeks, his wife is upright again. He can’t understand why I am questioning this. But, I am questioning it. See, I don’t really KNOW that I couldn’t have somehow driven, walked, or kneeled a few weeks ago because maybe, just maybe, I just didn’t try hard enough to do those things. Maybe my pain now isn’t any less than my pain would have been then. Maybe I just needed to try harder and I could have lived with the pain like I am living with the pain now.

I am so worried about investing all our dollars, all our everything, in these Ozone treatments and then find out in six months that they didn’t really work or that I really should have had surgery. I do not want to make a mistake when so much is at stake (yes, I know there are much bigger issues out there in the world, but right now my mobility feels like a rather large issue since it is impacting the functioning of our family so dramatically). I want to know that these dollars are going to where they need to go and that I will really heal.

The thoughts have swirled about in my head all week long, contradicting one another and adding angst to my life until last night I collapsed into bed in one jumbled up pile of confusion…with my husband still laughing at me and my apparent insanity.

Four days till I have to face the injections again. Four days to work up my courage. Four days to convince myself that it is working and my vertical state of being is not only real, but truly formerly impossible.

Four days till the pain…

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  1. Tory

    Hey Tracy

    A few weeks ago I was in Pocatello and had the ozone injection done on my leg. I assume you went to Pocatello and probably the same doctor. I am sorry that you have so much to worry about right now.

    I have not been back in for another injection — I think I tried to be too tough at my first appt and should have not had as many injections as I did. I wanted to make sure that I got my money’s worth for the treatment. I hope you can find the courage to go back this week — I haven’t found mine yet :). Good luck!


    • tracy


      What is injured on you? What have your results been post-injection? What did yours feel like? Inquiring minds want to know!

  2. Anne

    Here’s the thing. You couldn’t do much for 9 weeks. You hurt. I saw pain in your face every time we face-timed. Things were falling apart. You were teaching from the couch. It hurt you to get dressed and to do your hair and make up. It hurt to sit on the toilet. I saw you two days after your treatment. You were starting to feel a little better. A little more mobile. In three days, although you were not running a sprint, you were moving a little. After one more day you were walking around a little longer. A few more days you DROVE, for crying out loud. The treatment helped you!!!! It is normal to vacillate. It is normal to ‘what-if’. It is normal to second guess. You do it very well. But you need to quit visiting Crazeeville. It IS a lot of money. That’s the only part you’ve got right.

  3. Liz

    Well, is it possible that all the down time helped your hip to heal as well. It seems doctors always stress resting injured areas and you were really good about doing that. You know Father in Heaven will not let you down. Is there any take away from this for you —- only you and God know that. Happy and thorough healing to you.

    • tracy

      Yes, I’m sure resting helped tons.

      The take away is HUGE! The Lord guided (compelled?) me to start doing family history work and now I have fallen in love with it and them and have put tons of people in the system. He had been calling me to this work for a long time and because of the injury I finally listened.

  4. Liz

    That is SO fantastic! Happy for you and lucky family members who have you. : )