now what?

Sep 13, 2012

Here’s the deal. I am hurting. I keep smiling at people (for the most part) and I taught my classes on Wednesday and I took my son to an eye exam today and I took him to the Scout Office to get his new Cub Scout uniform and I went to our ward’s preparedness night tonight and I am going to gym tomorrow.

But I am really hurting. I am hurting more than I have hurt for a long time. I am more than a bit frightened that I have really done something to myself. Sometimes the pain takes my breath away. Sometimes I feel I may pass out from the pain. Sometimes I get hot and sweaty and the room starts spinning. Most of the time I am baffled. I do not know what is going on and I am more than a little frustrated.

God told me to teach gymnastics this fall. I had completely decided against it. It was quite obvious by the middle of July that I would not be better in time to start teaching in September. But one lovely Sabbath day He told me to do it. And I have felt peace about it. Unexplainable peace.

And now this.

Now pain right in the tear that feels as if I am being shredded. Pain throughout my entire pelvis that feels like I am going to fall down at times. Pain that scares me.

I know God didn’t tell me to do forward rolls last week. He only told me to teach. I get that.

But now I don’t know what to do.

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  1. Oh, dear lady! Get thee a blessing! And I will put your name in the temple and pray for you. {{{{HUGS!}}}

  2. Liz

    Oh, Tracy, can you get on Medicaid and get surgery? You almost certainly qualify and if a sweet decent mother of several children is undeserving of this help from her fellow citizens, I do not know who is………..I am putting you on my prayer list.

    • tracy

      Oh Liz, you are too sweet!

      I really don’t want the surgery. It is a pretty iffy surgery in terms of outcome and no one has been able to tell me how my ligaments will do in the surgery. They may be so stretched during the femur head traction that I would never have any hope of joint stability again. Additionally, many times the surgery is done as a debridement where the labrum is removed instead of repaired. Plus I cannot in good conscience saddle my family with $40K in medical bills when I can walk. I can live. I can’t sit and I can’t do lots of things without pain, but I can live.

      The Prolozone treatments are working. They are just working so, so slowing. I need to learn how to stop doing things before it hurts instead of going past the initial (and sometimes later!) warning signs. I really don’t know how to NOT do forward rolls when I am in the gym. I have been doing forward rolls my whole life and they are as natural to me as breathing…so to be on my feet in the gym and have little children needing me to show them what to do and me NOT do it is difficult, if not impossible. So, why did God tell me to teach gym if my body really isn’t ready and may not be ready for some time. I don’t know and I HATE NOT KNOWING. I LOVE INFORMATION.

      Just FYI…even if I could ever bring myself to sign up for Medicaid (which I highly doubt!), I wouldn’t qualify. See Medicaid Eligibilty. Our family would have to make less than $513 gross per month and while we don’t make much, we certainly make more than five hundred buckaroos.

      So, thank you for your thoughts and love and sweetness, but even though sometimes (even often) I dream of having a lovely surgical experience and having all the pain be instantly gone and all my mobility returned, I don’t think it is to be my path.

      • Liz

        You deserve to be all better and happy and I know you will be- it is between you and our Merciful God. Bless you! Liz

        • tracy

          Liz, thank you for your prayers. Please keep praying for this crazy mama in Idaho. I need all the faith and prayers and hope I can get!


  3. I know God didn’t tell me to do forward rolls last week. He only told me to teach.

    I was not even going to type that, and you said it for me.

    Liz – Many doctors unknowingly botch the surgery Trace needs by removing all of the tissue, rather than repairing it, which causes even more problems which lead to a total hip replacement later. There are very few doctors who know how to actually repair the tear, and I think the nearest one is in Utah. Even if Tracy would get on Medicaid, I’m pretty sure they won’t cover a bill from an ‘out of state’ doctor. :(

    • tracy

      Jess, I need someone to teach me how to teach and teach effectively without moving my body. I can’t figure it out. I tried really hard today. I delegated EVERYTHING. And I still moved. I tried not to. I did really well 95% off the time, but I still did a few forward rolls. I want to be an excellent teacher AND help my body heal.

      Please teach me how to do both!

      And yes, thank you for the explanation of the surgery issues…it is such a multi-faceted dilemna!

      • I don’t know. You can’t even talk without using your hands, so I have no idea how you would teach without demonstrating. But that’s why I hoped you could find substitutes that would teach in your place, and not have you there at all. Is there no way that is possible? I know you love it, and are so, so good at what you do, but we really need you to heal more.

    • Liz

      Thank you Jessica- so much I did not know about this….I read that alot of runners have the surgery but it really is not so straightforward. So glad you are her friend! Liz

  4. Joy

    Tracy, I do see your pain when I see you at the gym..(the pain from your pelvis and the pain from not being able to move your body as you would…)
    I am truly worried about you…and pray for you.
    I only saw you twice at the gym…but I can tell that you are a great teacher.
    I love you to be the teacher for my children.
    I think…maybe…you are supposed to learn a very hard thing from this health issue.
    Somehow you will have to figure out to teach them without moving your body…somehow…I will pray for you.