a few little funnies

Feb 14, 2013

Happy Valentine’s Day to all! This year our Valentine’s Day is going to be pretty low key. I have little gift bags I will be giving to my children and tonight Richard and I are attending Kat and Jen’s Pink and Red Party. It is guaranteed to be hilarious and delicious, both of which I need dearly in my life right now. What are you doing for your special love day?

The last few days have been full of some humorous events and I know I need more humor in my life and am assuming you need more in yours, so I will share them with you so you can chuckle.

Funny Story #1:

Monday night Richard and I drove down to SLC to get an old Subaru that we have been looking at for awhile. The jury is still out as to whether we made the right choice or not as there a couple of things acting up on it the last few days, but we are praying it works out for us and will save us a gob in gas. Anyway, the dealer we bought if from is a mechanic that buys cars with mechanical issues, fixes them up, then sells them. He has a small inventory so he leases part of a lot from another small dealer and together they share a office made out of an older home on State Street (a very busy street full of car dealerships) where consumers can sign paperwork and whatnot.

So, we get to the dealer after our 3+ hour drive and I have to use the bathroom, so we go into the office (house) and ask to use the restroom. That room was putrid. It looked like the urine in the toilet had been sitting there for months. The floor was filthy. The sink was filthy. The smell was overwhelming and I immediately started gagging and retching. But I also had to pee (and even more so now that I was gagging and retching). So I kicked the toilet seat down from its male-centric up position, both the seat and lid fell, so I had to lift the lid up with the toes of my shoes. And what did I find on the seat? Brown stuff. Who knows if it was poop or not, by this point I had to empty my bladder either on myself or in the toilet. I chose the filthy toilet. I squatted over it, not touching anything, gagging and retching the whole time and fully wondering if I would make it out of the bathroom alive. It felt like my lungs were being singed by the awful stench. I pulled my pants up, flushed with my foot, and rushed out the door to get some air.

It was that bad.

But the story gets worse.

Later when we were done with all the paperwork, Richard asked to use the restroom. The dealer told him where it was and said “Hold your nose” with a big chuckle. Then he turned to me and with another big chuckle said “There isn’t a woman here to clean it.”

I about died.

I am still dying.

There was a time, not that long ago, that I would have slugged any man who dared to say such an awful thing in front of me.

Now, it is a story for the record books and makes me laugh hysterically that anyone is trying to operate a business with that kind of bathroom. Those poor men need some humbling.

Funny Story #2:

On Saturday my friends took me shopping and out to lunch. It had been a long time since I had been out to a store and it was time. I needed to get jeans for Keziah who has been growing up and out for the last several months, some shoes for Fisher whose toes are hanging out the sides of his current pair, some Valentine’s Day gifts, return Keziah’s last Land’s End purchase, and most of all, see something besides the four corners of my bedroom. Well, after all the errands had been run and all the food eaten, it was about 10:30 at night. I finally decided that I needed to get a new shirt. Just one thing that I could feel cute in in my new larger-than-life body. Seriously, being so completely inactive for the past year has done me in. I am larger than I have ever been and feel dumpy, frumpy, and lumpy. So, Jessica swung into Walmart and we visited the Bella Bird section. Happily for me, there was a lot of stuff on clearance and I was able to pick up a few things that are pretty dang cute, including a new skirt, cardigan, and shirt combo. I wore this new, adorable outfit to the temple yesterday morning and that is where the trouble began.

The skirt is a just-past-the-knees full skirt.

Yesterday was windy.

Wind + full-skirt = skirt around the face, derriere showing multiple times situation.

I kept pulling it down, holding it down, but I couldn’t keep up with the wind.

While the girls were finishing up at the temple, I ran the two littles ones over to Great Harvest for a slice of bread. As we walked in, I held the door open for them so they wouldn’t get smashed to smithereens if it slammed on them in the wind, and right then my skirt blew up again. All the way up. Covering my head and breathing apparatus up.

In front of about fifteen people who were watching us come in the door.

Oh my.

What a choice. Do I let the door smash my Annesley or do I let go and cover my nether-regions?

Well, I tried to hold the door and recover my modesty and it was a sight to behold. Many smiles, smirks, and bursts of laughter fluttered around the store. To make matters worse, as we stood in the sample line gusts of wind would blow in whenever anyone entered the store and wouldn’t you know it, my skirt would blow right up again!

By this point, I knew I couldn’t make it through the day in this skirt, so we drove to Walmart and I found a pair of jeans that fit (on the first try even!) and are made of some super-snazzy slimming inventions that I think totally worked their magic. If you need some super-snazzy slimming pants and can’t afford the magic in Not My Daughter’s Jeans, you should check out these Lee Riders. Anyway, Annesley and I tried them on in the dressing room and I kept them on because there was no way I was going back into the wind in my flip-over-my-head-skirt. The ninety-year-old Walmart worker insisted on removing all the tags and stickers from my pants while they were on me, walking me up to the register, and announcing to the sales clerk “This woman is buying these pants and is wearing them out of the store. Please check her out now so she is not reported for theft.”

Oh my. So, so funny.

Funny Story #3:

Annesley crawls into bed with me this morning and says “Happy day! It is finally here! It is Valentine’s Day! Happy, happy day!” Then she rubs my back for awhile until breakfast is ready. After breakfast she says “When will the presents be here?” I say “What presents?” and she responds with a long lecture, “Mom, the holiday presents! That is what holidays are about and we always get presents on holidays and when will they be here? You always give us presents. I think they will be here at night because they are not here now and Papa is not here now, so they will be here later when Papa is here.” I pulled her into my arms and said, “Oh honey, holidays are not about presents, holidays are about love. I love you and I am going to hold you and hug you for Valentine’s Day.” To which she responded “I love you being my mama.”

She is so funny. I could listen to her all day long. I think I will go get their presents ready now and surprise them with their little goodies at Morning Devotional.

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1 Comment

  1. Mom

    Seriously makes me retch!