trying again

Apr 1, 2013

After two really hard days fighting the you-are-hopeless demons, I am up and going this morning and willing to try again. I can’t really say determined to try again, but I am willing and I am trying and we are having a pretty normal school day.

I had a good talk with my big girls last night and told them how sorry I am for being impossible the last two days. I told them how much I love them and how I have decided to try again to be their mama. We all cried a bit.

This morning was another story though. Deciding to do something and actually following through are two different things.

But I AM following through. We did have morning devotional. We have done math. We have memorized a poem. We have done our temple of the day. I haven’t said anything mean. I am trying again, especially with that teenager that is so hard for me to understand.

I woke up to a pile of balloons all over my door with “I love you” and “You rock!” and “Thank you for all you do for us” messages all over them. Completely unexpected and super sweet.

I still have a ways to go with my sword of truth, but I am getting there. Our Easter services were really wonderful yesterday and I had a good 45 minute sob-fest in the hallway at church with some lovely ladies who gave me good advice, huge hugs, and a bit of humor. Yesterday afternoon Jessica brought me some of her delicious homemade peanut butter cups and invited our whole family to go on a walk by the river. I didn’t want to go and I was not good company, but the sunshine, sounds of trickling water, and watching my children have a grand time and say adorable things did give my soul some healing.

I need to spend more time in my current read, Through His Eyes: Rethinking What You Believe About Yourself and I think I will refocus on my word study of “Promise” throughout the scriptures. I need some truth, some love, and a lot of hugs.

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  1. Anne

    a new day, in every way . . . .

    LAUUUUV you!

  2. Liz

    Your fundamentals are solid as a rock Tracy—- remember what your balloons said! :)

    • tracy

      I am holding on to those fundamentals, but it is taking every ounce of courage I have.

  3. How did today go?

    • tracy

      I was nice all day long. Then I blew it. AGAIN.

      Maybe not a total blow. But still a blow. She asked me to look at a website with her and I thought, “What? I am going to bed!” and I said in a very grumpy voice, “I don’t want to look. I hate that website. When did you have time to be on a website! What are you doing wasting your study time on looking for clothes!” Ugh, so grumpy. So not supportive and nurturing. So not the way I would want my mama to talk to me.

      But then I did look and I did help her and we did laugh a little. But my heart was still annoyed…and I was trying so hard NOT to be annoyed all day long.

      What is my problem? Really, why am I finding it so stinkin’ hard to be nice to her? Why am I so easily annoyed and so easily provoked to anger? Wwwwhhhhhyyyyy?!?