the sounds from upstairs

Jul 16, 2013

I am on a Girls’ Retreat with my cousin Tami and her favorite friends. It is her big send-off before she flies back to Australia for the next eight months and our goal is to fill her up with all the love in the world so she can have a giant well of love to draw on until she comes back to us. We are having a great time laughing, eating Kat’s delicious food, playing games, and having deep conversations.

I am lying here in bed, snuggled up with Miss Oaklyn, listening to my friends workout to Turbo Fire on the floor above me. They have been working their abs, arms, glutes, and lungs for what seems like forever this morning. And I am happy for them. I am happy they have the determination to be strong and healthy and they bodies that will let them do it.

Totally happy.

But I miss that life. I miss being capable and strong. Shoot, I miss being ABLE, not even capable or strong, just ABLE to move my body where I want it to go when I want it to go there. I miss being able to do what I want to do. I miss knowing I can count on my body for anything – that I can climb a mountain, run a race (and usually win!), ride my bike for hours, lift a dresser, or do a back flip. I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

I really, really, really want my body back.

But, even more than that, I want the life God wants for me. And right now, He has given me this opportunity to learn and grow and teach. He keeps sending me messages of peace. He keeps telling me this suffering has a great purpose. He keeps blessing me with beautiful, soul-sustaining experiences.

I love God. I know, absolutely know, He loves me. Now I need to turn my heart over to His plan for me. It is harder than I ever imagined. But I am so grateful I can listen to His voice from the heavens – right now it is the only thing getting me through.

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1 Comment

  1. Mom

    Part of me is so so so heartbroken for you and part of me is so so so thrilled for those four thousand people. And both parts of me are so so so proud of you!