what we ask for and what we get

Oct 8, 2013

Google has given me a clean bill of health, so I get to share my thoughts with all of you again. Yippee-kie-aye! I thought maybe my site was back up last week, but it wasn’t clean for realsies. But now, it is actually up and running and I can talk with all of you again. I have missed you. I have missed Liz’s lovely, encouraging, faith-filled comments. I miss the comradery we share when something I say resonates with your heart. I have missed sharing our homeschool days and hoping my words will reach out and bless your family. I have missed being strengthened and loved and commiserated with.

So, here is the deal. A lot has happened since 9/13 when my site went down. We have two birthdays, lots of cross-country meets, a symphony, several passing out episodes, lots of books discovered and enjoyed, and get this, WE DEEP-CLEANED THE SCHOOL ROOM! All of this has not been blogged about and probably won’t be blogged about. I have teensy-tinsy bits of time to write my thoughts down and I know I will not be able to catch up if I try to go back almost a month.

So, we will start fresh. Hmmmm. Do I even have any thoughts to share? The excitement of having my little home on the interwebs back is all I can think of at the moment. Hmmm, what could I share that would bless someone?

Ah, yes, this quote from this weekend’s General Conference spoke to me…maybe it will speak to you as well?

Sometimes when we plead for relief, we are given resolve and endurance.

When Elder Bednar spoke those words, my heart welled up with gratitude because I know, deep down in the marrow of my bones know, that they are true. I cannot tell you the number of times I have cried out to the God I love and begged for relief from the pain in my hip. Many, many times He has sent relief. Many times He has helped me sleep. Many, many times the pain has lessened. But just as often, the pain has stayed and the perspective has shifted and I have been blessed with the strength to endure.

I know right now that I have nothing left within me to endure. I have been consistently grumpy for almost two months. I have been exasperated with life for weeks on end. I have been rude to grocery store clerks, gas station attendants, and pharmacists. I have been so, so incredibly impossible to live with. I have almost given up the idea that I will ever be out of pain. The passing out is getting more frequent, the dislocations are spreading to more joints, my nerves are getting more irritated, and many times, it is almost overwhelming. But somehow, I keep going. Somehow I keep trying. And that somehow isn’t me. It is God. I have nothing left. When left to my own devices I am cantankerous, impatient, and out of hope. But in God’s hands, I feel cherished. Blessed. Endowed with His light. His goodness and His mercy and His eternal perspective are all that are getting me through.

Tomorrow marks the fourteenth week of my broken foot and this is the twentieth month of my hip injury. As of tomorrow, I have been passing out for ten months. God’s strength is all I have left.

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  1. Liz

    Even when we can’t comment we are praying for you….. you are in the uppermost part of the thoughts of those who love you. You are a gifted writer, I wonder if you can edit your posts into a book on this ailment. I know it would help people. Maybe the Mormon publishing houses? I think to be a writer of your caliber you need to be prolific which you are… just an idea. If I was the Liz you referenced, I am sincerely touched, if you have more than a few Liz’ reading I would not be at all surprised! :)

    • tracy

      Of course you are THE Liz! I am so, so grateful for your kind comments these past few years. They have given me much to think about and just knowing you are out there in internet land gives me warm fuzzies in my heart. Wouldn’t it be lovely to have you come visit Jessica and me for an afternoon of peppermint tea?

      We do have a good in-person friend named Liz as well, but she rarely reads my blog…she is too busy living a life full of adventure.

      A book? Oh my, I can’t even think about it. Years ago my high school English teacher told me I was a writer and said I would write a book one day, but my writing now is so full of flaws that I can’t even remember why I ever thought I was a gifted writer. I can’t remember any of the grammar rules, I am quite cliche, and I don’t even have time to proofread.

      For years I have longed to write for segullah.org, but I have yet to work up my courage to submit anything. Silly, eh? I mean the worst thing that can happen is I would get a rejection letter. A few months ago, they had a month long theme on living with pain, and I thought “This is it! This is my chance!” But I missed the deadline and didn’t submit anything. What a coward!

  2. Liz

    How sweet, Tracy to be “The Liz”! I love it and your blog! Having tea with you and Jessica would be a real treat- California is pretty far away but if I get to Idaho in the next few years, I will email ahead of time! Re: book idea- could you just print out some of your posts? I truly do believe you are gifted- something to consider in your own good time! :)