time for some big-girl panties

Nov 6, 2014 by tracy

My Jessica is moving.

Today.

The past many days have been spent packing her up and snuggling in bed laughing and crying as we savor these last few moments together. We have not had a good night’s rest for over a week.

Out of nowhere, my eyes fill up with tears and they run down my cheeks.

Oh, this is hard.

I give my heart solace by convincing myself she will be back. She will return to Idaho and her dream of a little farm. We will eat 3 minute chocolate cakes at midnight once again. But, oh, the pain of not having her right down the road is breaking my heart.

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learning to receive

Oct 17, 2014 by tracy

My dear friend Tasha has organized an epic “Pour Out Piles of Love on Tracy” party for tomorrow. I wasn’t supposed to know about it, but she messed up and BCCed me on an email (Which is a VERY fortunate mistake because I probably would have gone into full freak-out mode if my house was invaded early on a Saturday morning and I had no foreknowledge of it at all!). I heartily tried to veto the whole shebang, but no one listens to me anymore and the party is going on with or without my approval.

After thinking about it for a few days, I have decided to focus on the love and be grateful for this outpouring of service…a gazillion people are going to show up tomorrow morning to deep clean our home, repair lots of broken things, work in our decrepit yard, and pour out love everywhere they look. Oh my. It is so scary to let people into my home and see my messes, my piles, my crap I cannot decide what to do with. I am feeling quite vulnerable already with these bad dreams and sleepless nights and this experience is sending my vulnerable feelings sky high.

Part of me thinks, “Even though I have been injured for over 2 1/2 years and even though I spend lots of time in bed and even though I can’t move quickly, stay on my feet for very long, squat down at all, or carry heavy loads, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE!” And then I go to this train of thinking, “I mean for goodness sakes I have two teenage daughters and even though they have busy school schedules, jobs, symphony, running, friends, and lots of other things, the three of us should be able to do this.” And then I go to “I have a husband who can fix/build/make pretty much anything, he should have this house in tip top shape.” But the truth is I can’t. We can’t. We have been living in survival mode since at least spring of 2011 when we found the lump in my breast. My husband works long hours six days a week. He is only here about six Saturdays a year and all the repairs and projects for the whole year get squished into those six Saturdays.

Kat says karma is coming my way and I need to soak it all in and remember all the wonderful times I have had pulling such events off for others who need help. So I am trying really hard to release the shame and welcome the love. I have decided to move forward into tomorrow with a grateful heart. There is so much good in this world. So, so much. And tomorrow is my day to learn to receive…and smile while people surround me with service.

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7670 days since we said yes

Oct 15, 2014 by tracy

Twenty-one years since we knelt at the altar in covenant making.

Fierce loyalty.

Tender love.

Breathtaking kisses.

Safe snuggles.

Hilarious inside jokes.

Patience.

Patience.

Patience.

That look in his eye that tells me he adores me.

When I first looked at him back on the evening of June 4, 1993, my spirit was overcome by the feeling of stability and security. I have been safe in his arms ever since. He loves me just the way I am and he anchors me to all the good things. Don’t you think this song was written for us?

Anchor
by Mindy Gledhill

When all the world is spinning round
Like a red balloon way up in the clouds
and my feet will not stay on the ground
You anchor me back down

I am nearly world renowned
As a restless soul who always skips town
But I look for you to come around
And anchor me back down

There are those who think that I’m strange
They would box me up, and tell me to change
But you hold me close and softly say
That you wouldn’t have me any other way

When people pin me as a clown
You behave as though I’m wearing a crown
When I’m lost I feel so very found
When you anchor me back down

There are those who think that I’m strange
They would box me up, and tell me to change
But you hold me close and softly say
That you wouldn’t have me any other way

When all the world is spinning round
Like a red balloon way up in the clouds
and my feet will not stay on the ground
You anchor me back down

Oh, how I love this man God has yoked me to. Thank you honey…for everything.

p.s. I had to edit the post title because I forgot about the leap years. Five more days.

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stuffing

Oct 13, 2014 by tracy

The day these bad dreams started was the day I stuffed down a comment about being molested. It seems to be a pattern in my life: I don’t say things that will cause others to feel guilt or feel hurt. I protect other’s feelings by not speaking up.

Now don’t get me wrong, I CAN and DO say hurtful things. Far too often thoughtless comments burst out of mouth and I end up wounding someone deeply. But it seems to be the pattern of my life that I excuse other people’s behavior by not saying “You have hurt me!

I have been trying to figure out why I do this for many weeks now. The counselor I had an appointment with tried to get to the bottom of it and decided it is because I don’t value myself enough to say something.

That didn’t sit right with me. It could be true, but it doesn’t feel true. Richard and I have talked and talked and talked about it and it doesn’t feel true to him either. I think that is often the reason people don’t speak up, but it just doesn’t seem true for me. I do value myself. I have great self-esteem and believe I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to. I am not at all the picture of a victim.

And yet, I often stuff my feelings deep down inside and refuse to tell people how horribly wrong their behavior has been or how terribly they have hurt me. I even have one person in my life who continues to abuse me in many ways and I allow it to happen. It infuriates me that I will not stand up and put an end to it.

And see, see what I just did. I won’t name names. I won’t call this person out into the open.

WHY??????????????????????

I do feel lighter than I did several weeks ago and I am really truly smiling and feeling joy again, but the pain is still here. I woke up on Saturday night with ANOTHER kidney infection…the third since this all started. And Sunday night was another sleepless night. I prayed and prayed and prayed for sleep to come, but instead I lay there tossing and turning all night long with numb arms (something must have moved out of place in my upper back and is causing my arms/hands to be numb) and wide-awake mind. And now it is Monday night, nearly midnight, and I can’t sleep again.

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light

Oct 9, 2014 by tracy

A swirling ball of emotions and experiences have filled my past many weeks. Moments of joy, celebrations of birthdays, exquisite beauty, peaceful solitude, and quiet moments of pondering have all been present along with gut-wrenching pain, soul-searing heartache, fear, grief, and misery and then to top it all off, a bout of pneumonia that sapped nearly all my strength.

It has been a bit surreal – as if I am living in several different realities all at the same time – and I haven’t known how to best navigate these waters.

Some things have helped. Morning scripture study and prayer with our family has added grounding to my day. Evening read-aloud time and family prayer has been the whip cream to top off our days with moments of unity before bed. Snuggling with my little ones has helped me remember who I am and what I am all about: family. Last week’s priesthood blessings were filled with words of truth and hope for everyone and definitely a balm of healing for me. Attending General Conference this weekend gave me the same sort of strength my mountains give me – fortitude to persevere from deep within the earth. All of it has helped. All of it has helped me feel God’s love.

Last week sometime Jessica sent me some lovely thoughts from Dickens that helped me sort out my conflicting feelings of deep gratitude for the life I have now and the deep, deep pain I feel from being molested, my father leaving us and physically abandoning me, and my mother being raped and subsequently being emotionally unavailable while she healed from her own pain. Part of me has felt like if I were really grateful, I wouldn’t have the pain. But this quote by Dickens helped me understand it is okay to be in both places at once.

“The deep remembrance of the sense I had of being utterly neglected and hopeless, of the shame I felt in my position; of the misery it was to my young heart … cannot be written. My whole nature was so penetrated with grief and humiliation of such considerations, that even now, famous and caressed and happy, I often forgot in my dreams that I have a dear wife and children; even that I am a man; and wander desolately back to that time in my life.”

Just because my heart is hurting does not mean I am not grateful. It simply means I am hurting.

At some point in all of this blackness, I read the words to a favorite song from back in my teenage years. It got me through many a dark night then and I thought it might get me through some of these dark nights now.

Hold On, The Light Will Come
by Michael McClean

The message of this moment is so clear

And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on
The light will come

Everyone who’s ever tried and failed

Stands much taller when the victory’s won
And those who’ve been in darkness for awhile
Kneel much longer when
The light has come

It’s a message everyone of us must learn

That the answers never come without a fight
And when it seems you’ve struggled far too long
Just hold on, hold on
There will be light

Hold on, hold on, the light will come

Hold on, hold on, the light will come

If you feel trapped inside a never ending night

If you’ve forgotten how it feels to feel the light
If you’re half crazy thinking you’re the only one
Who’s afraid the light will never really come
Just hold on, hold on the light will come

The message of this moment is so clear

And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on the light will come

After weeks of heartache and pain, I decided I needed to talk to my Stake President. I love this man and I sensed his wise, Christ-centered counsel was exactly what I needed. He is being released in a few weeks and I wanted to receive a priesthood blessing along with his wisdom and love. We met on Tuesday for several hours and God poured out light and truth and clarity. Those few hours will be one of the treasures of my life.

President Poston helped me understand that this pain is okay – feeling it does not mean I am lacking faith, it just comes. He told me there will be periods of time in my life when the pain from my childhood will flare up. It just will. How I respond to the pain is what is important. He counseled me to let it come and keep trusting God. He said we don’t trust the outcome, we trust the Giver – know He is with me, even in the pain. Don’t trust Him only when he takes the pain away, trust him in the pain, trust him always.

Such beautiful, beautiful thoughts.

He shared D&C 100:15:

Therefore, let your hearts be comforted; for all things shall work together for good to those that walk uprightly.

He told me that I do walk uprightly and to take this scripture at face value – that ALL things shall work together for my good. Well, I can argue till I am blue in the face that I don’t walk uprightly. I lose my patience, I am critical, I am quick to anger. Most of all, I am full of prideful independence that I will solve my problems and then go to God. But this dear man testified as a servant of God, holder of priesthood keys, and a judge in Israel, that I do walk uprightly and all things shall work together for my good.

He counseled me to go to bed with faith in Christ and heart full of hope for a good night’s rest. If the bad dreams come, plead for light. Look heavenward and plead for relief and trust it to come. He asked me to start the day in prayer asking for light and heaven’s help to surround me, then get to the business of the day. Then end the day in prayer talking to Father about my day and asking for light and rest to be with me through the night. He promised me the light will come.

And then he gave Richard a beautiful, sacred, profound blessing that filled him with peace and hope and assurance that Father is very aware of him.

And then they both laid their hands on my head and the light of God poured into my soul.

The words are far too sacred to share here on the interwebs, but oh my, they are powerful and beautiful and full of healing. This I know: God knows me, loves me, is with me. I have a great work to do in this life and the circumstances of my life are not an accident, they are a gift that enables me to do the work God has called me to do.

I feel lighter than I have in many weeks. Thank you Father. Thank you Jesus.

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miss kez turns 14

Oct 6, 2014 by tracy

Miss Keziah celebrated her 14th birthday in style. She is pretty tired of our simple birthday celebrations and decided to take matters into her own hands. She spent all afternoon and evening on Thursday blowing up hundreds of balloons and hanging up streamers. Then she insisted we all wake up at 12:36 to open her presents at the exact time she was born. Although we didn’t get much sleep that night it was totally worth it to make her dreams come true.

This girl is such a delight to me. Since the night she was born, she has been passionate and full of vigor and vim. When she was little, her temper tantrums were intense and long-lasting and often more than we thought we could handle, but her fierce determination has grown into a great work ethic and we as parents just need to support her in helping her achieve her long list of goals.

She is a huge Michael Vey fan and since the new book just came out, we gave her book four, Hunt For Jade Dragon.

She has been asking for a new CTR ring so Richard made her a giant cardboard ring.

She also loves highlighters, so a new pack of fancy retractable ones showed up for her birthday.

Her birthday book this year is Girls Who Choose God which is so fabulous I need to do a whole post about its awesomeness, but let me tell you, it is so, so lovely and everyone needs to buy a gazillion copies.

Keziah is a list maker extreme – She has entire notebooks of packing lists, song lists, book lists, future dog name lists (for her 47 dogs she is going to eventually have), she even makes lists of lists – so when I saw this list making notebook at TJ Maxx a few months ago I snatched it up to save for her birthday.

But her big present, the present she has been hoping and praying for for years is a second dog. We have told her at least a thousand times, “We are a ONE dog family!” but she has continued to beg and plead and search for another dog. Well, about a year ago, I started looking for a dog for her. It had to be a well-behaved dog that all of us, even the non-dog-lovers, could live with and not lose our minds. It had to be young enough to be Keziah’s running partner, but not so young that we would have to endure an endless puppy/toddler stage of accidents, jumping, chewing, barking, etc.

A few weeks ago we found what we hoped was the right dog. She was down in Utah so we made arrangements to pick her up on our trip down for General Conference. Last night we picked Harley up from her adorable family and made the long and squishy drive home with our new family member. Keziah has renamed her Charley (from her list of future dog names!) and is thrilled to pieces to have a dog that loves to play fetch, go running, and has plenty of energy to keep up with her.

Sadie wasn’t so sure she liked this new addition when she met her in the middle of the night. But we worked with both of them and by this afternoon they were getting along quite well. A trip to the lake for a family walk helped Sadie accept her as one of the clan.

Charley pulls on her leash too much for Miss Annesley’s muscle strength, but Sadie is a perfect running partner for her.

Charley loves the water and it seems will swim for sticks all day.

We hope this first walk together is the first of many happy days at the lake.

Happy, happy birthday Miss Kez!

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here i am

Oct 2, 2014 by tracy

A warm smile of gratitude graced my face as I went to bed last night. For I was given a beautiful gift.

I was given the gift of myself. Yesterday for the first time in many weeks, I felt the passion and joy of being Miss Tracy. I smiled real smiles of happiness and shouted real words of excitement and felt real energy moving within me.

I can use exclamation points and have them mean excitement and not flaming rage.

Glorious!

I had been wondering all week about having a book discussion at my home when I was feeling so dark and dismal. I didn’t see how it could possibly be enjoyable for anyone and frankly didn’t see how I could discuss a book with such heavy thoughts weighing down on me.

But I woke up on Wednesday feeling centered and loving and loved and me. Through the grace of God I was able to be calm and patient when Kez was in freak out mode as she got ready for her Shakespeare presentation. I didn’t yell at her or lose my patience – I was able to speak calm, soul-filling words, and help her get there on time and with all the stuff she needed. When people started coming into iFAMILY, I was able to connect with them instead of wanting to run away and hide from everyone. I was able to listen and love and care about others.

And then at our book discussion last night, I was alive and excited and it was such a gift to my soul to discover that I am still in here somewhere. After so many weeks of black sludge permeating my being, I had started to wonder if the bright and bouncy Tracy would ever be found again.

I will probably have some more black sludge days – I need to have more as I know I am not done processing the anger and hurt and violation – but now, finally, I can have some days of light and love as well.

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some victories

Sep 30, 2014 by tracy

It’s high time we focus on some victories, wouldn’t you say? Even in the sludge of what I am experiencing right now, I can see the goodness around me, the blessings of my life, and for that I am grateful. If I was in this sleep-deprived, grief-laden state without being able to see the good, I think I would go completely bonkers.

• Blythe is working! Wahoo!
• We get to go to General Conference this weekend! Big Wahoo!
• Keziah is running cross-country and loving it. Yesterday she clocked her fastest time on a 400m at practice and came back to the car full of confidence and satisfaction.
• Even though I was sorely tempted, I did not take up residence in the land-of-everything-is-awful-and-Richard-needs-a-new-wife. I thought about buying a ticket, but I refused to put out the money and did not board that train. And it was even in the midst of my progesterone dropping! This is huge folks. Huge. I would have fully expected that in the midst of these sleepless nights and awful dreams, I would have jumped on board that train, but through the grace of God, I was able to stay here and hold onto his (and His) love.
• This case of pneumonia is doing much, much better! In fact, I think I will try to ride the Elliptigo for a few minutes this afternoon and see how my lungs handle it.
• After years of Keziah begging with every cell of her body for another dog, we have finally decided to get her a cutie pie named Harley. Kez will promptly rename her Charley and we will all live happily ever after as a two-dog family. Right? We pick her up on Saturday when we head to Utah for General Conference.

  

• I am cooking meals for my family…not every night, but more than I have in months. Kat’s lentil tacos and this delicious fried rice recipe (I don’t even put chicken in it and it is still so, so delicious! I think the sesame oil must be the secret ingredient I have been missing all these years.) have become once-a-week standbys.
• Fisher and I finished reading Iron Thunder today. It is a story about the Monitor vs. Merrimac battle in the Civil War. He is doing a presentation about the battle in a few weeks at iFAMILY. He also just finished listening to G.A. Henty’s book With Lee in Virginia.
• Speaking of listening to books, that birthday boy is listening up a storm on his new birthday CD player. We looked for weeks for just the right one. We wanted it to play CDs, MP3s, and cassettes if possible. We finally found the right one and as a bonus it has an aux-in line as well. When the rest of us get to be too much for this quiet, peace-loving guy, he can go to his room, build with his legos, and listen to fabulous stories.
• Keziah’s 14th birthday is on Friday. My little fireball is growing up. She is louder than ever (and if you knew her in person, you would know that is saying A LOT) and though we all tend to breathe a sigh of relief when she is gone for two hours each morning to seminary, we wouldn’t change her hilarious, spirited, hard-working, obnoxious, goal setting (and achieving) self for anything.
• We have consistently held 6:00 a.m. scripture study for 6 weeks. Oh my goodness, never in a million years did I think I would be able to say those words. We are rocking this! Every single morning I lie in bed and decide I am NOT going to get up and every single morning I do anyway and by the time I get out to the front room, I am grateful.
• My room is cleaner than it has been for a long, long time.
• Fisher has earned a couple of dates (one for finishing his set of reading books and one for filling up his Happy Jar with Warm Fuzzies) with me and Annesley has almost earned one, so we are going to get to spend some lovely one-on-one time together in the next few weeks.
• Even this grief has good points. It helps me see the stark contrasts of life and cling to the beautiful and precious even more fiercely. It has reminded me why I do what I do…why I mother and love and work to strengthen families.

Life is good. This may not last, but at least today I can see the light and can feel a real, genuine smile on my face.

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blessings from on high

Sep 30, 2014 by tracy

Family home evening last night was just the balm of Gilead I needed – Richard gave us all Father’s Blessings.

And the light came.

And my heart-pain eased.

And I felt the love of my Father, my Savior, my ancestors, and my husband.

And I remembered the feeling of joy.

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who am i and what am i doing in this life?

Sep 29, 2014 by tracy

I’m living in several different realities right now. It is hard and painful and incredibly confusing to my psyche.

In one, I feel like a volcano ready to erupt with a massive lava flow of rage that will cover the earth.

In another, I feel so fragile I could break into a million pieces.

Then in my little homeschooling mother realm, I am going through the motions. Teaching reading, doing math problems, exploring the Civil War with Fisher, working on handwriting with Annes. Playing games with everyone. Learning and loving and encouraging, trying my best to keep this realm safe and happy and calm for my children.

In my wife realm, I am hurting. Hurting so very deeply. It is the only safe place for me to hurt this deeply. But I want to stop hurting and stop feeling and stop this madness, so I find myself pushing him away. Trying to get him not to care and stop being so incredibly kind.

In my public realm, I am calmer than perhaps I have ever been. My bubbliness has evaporated. But I am still acting. It’s not like I can walk around screaming at people or bawling my eyes out. So I try to smile, try to do all the public niceties that are expected of people in a civilized society. And it hurts. I was almost paralyzed on Saturday before the General Women’s Meeting. I DID NOT want to go and see all those people. I couldn’t face them and put a smile on my face. But I finally went and loved the messages. But I didn’t mingle, it was too much, I think, humanity, for my state of being. The thought of going grocery shopping or running errands and being with people is painful. I don’t want to see anyone right now. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

I slide from realm to realm and emotion to emotion and never get to stay in one realm long enough to actually make progress.

I cannot go on like this. I think I may need to go live in a treehouse for a month and let all the tears out once and for all, then perhaps I can come home and function again.

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love makes the world go round

Sep 27, 2014 by tracy

In the midst of all these bad dreams, pneumonia-laden lungs and a body full of faulty connective tissue, I am a mother.

A mother of four beautiful children who need me to be emotionally present in their lives.

We are trying our darnedest to create an emotionally safe home for these precious ones God has blessed us with. Lots of times I fail. I resort to anger and impatience and the poor coping mechanisms I was raised with.

And many times I choose love. And forgiveness. And patience.

And snuggles.

Always the snuggles bring us back to center.

Early in the morning, before anyone else is moving, Fisher creeps into my room with a book and with his sweet blue eyes asks if I will read to him, “just one chapter before school?”

Late at night, after everyone is done moving, Annesley will sneak into my arms for just one more hug and kiss before bed.

And my heart swells with oceans of gratitude that I, the person who never wanted to be a mother, the person who entered marriage as such a broken, angry soul, the person who believed my life was far more important than a child’s life, get to hold these children in my arms and nurture them with my heart.

I get to mother.

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annesleyisms

Sep 26, 2014 by tracy

Today on the way to gym, Annesley burst out with the declaration, “Mama, you are a hard woman.” I could barely contain my giggling because she sounded so happy about it and yet, being a hard woman doesn’t seem like something positive. This is how our conversation proceeded.

Annesley: Mama, you are HARD woman.

Me: What? A hard woman?

Annesley: Yes! I mean you started iFAMILY. You started gym. You are a hard worker.

Me: Oh! I see what you mean.

Annesley: That took a lot of effort! I mean look at how hard you have worked to create iFAMILY.

Me: Hmmm, why do you think I worked that hard?

Annesley: To help children learn and have fun?

Me: Yep. And because I love you. So, so much.

Annesley: Yes! And you wanted your kids to get exercise. And you too. But you don’t really get much anymore, do you?

I guess our many talks on effort, process, and determination (instead of results) have made it into her psyche.

Tonight for prayer she said, “Dear Heavenly Father, thank thee that we can be together as a family. Please help us to be guided. Please bless my mama to be healed. And my grandma. And please help us be kind and do what we need to do. And please help my cough. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Ahhh, so precious. I love this girl. So, so, so very much. She cracks me up, reaches the deep places of my heart with her happy, joyful spirit, and reminds me of the good things in life.

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1st day of counseling

Sep 25, 2014 by tracy

Eeeek.

Today is the day I go to counseling.

I am nervous.

This morning I tried to convince myself I didn’t need to go because I have slept the past few nights with no bad dreams.

What will I say to him?

What if I pass out?

What if this is all a big mistake?

Oh my goodness, I hope I am courageous enough to take this step into healing.

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seven weeks of sleeplessness

Sep 23, 2014 by tracy

The last seven weeks I have been dealing with many sleepless nights and gut-wrenching dreams stemming from abuse situations in my childhood. At times I have felt so fragile, it has seemed possible that if someone touched me, I would shatter in a million pieces. At other times, I have felt strong and able to face this new layer of necessary healing with faith and courage. At other times, I have been simply exhausted and unable to even think.

It has been tough.

I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about healing.

But not enough yet. There is still much for me to learn.

I have learned that quiet, peaceful moments with my children have come to mean immensely more than I ever knew they could. These precious moments of love and trust and connection are full of life-giving-light, they are sacred.

I have learned (or relearned) that Richard’s arms erase the fear and pain stored deep down in my soul.

I have learned how incredibly painful it is to go through life, doing all the things that life requires, while behaving on the outside like I am not dying on the inside.

I have learned that I absolutely cannot separate my physical body from my emotional body. I know this, yet it still surprises me. My emotions are screaming to come out and it seems they scream at me best through my physical body. Remember my 10th miscarriage hair debacle? My lungs are full of fluid – pneumonia has got the best of me, and the emotion for the lungs is grieving. I can think of no other emotion for what my spirit is experiencing than grief. I have been in bed since Wednesday night, coughing and hacking and gagging on the piles of mucous that need to come out of me. In the midst of the coughing and hacking, my kidneys woke me up screaming in pain several nights in a row. The emotion for kidneys is fear. I try to honor my spirit, to listen my emotions, to be in tune with myself, and (laughably given my many failures in this department) I actually think I do a really good job at it…and yet, my body pretty much never gets sick from a germ. Everyone around me can be sick and I won’t get sick. I get sick from my emotions. When I was pregnant with Fisher I made my whole body sick because I was so afraid of having a boy who would grow up and hurt others. No amount of talking or crying or gnashing my teeth could heal me. God was the only one then and He is the only one now who has the power to heal me.

However, I am doing some things to help the healing process. I am trying to be really open and honest…to say “I am not okay” when I’m really not, when I’m really suffering. I am spending time in deep, heartfelt prayer. I am looking at little girls and seeing how small and innocent they are and allowing myself to let go of the responsibility I have felt for so long for somehow not preventing these older, stronger, intimidating boys from touching me. I am crying. A lot. I have never cried this much in my life. Tears pour out of me nearly every day…and I am letting them flow.

There was a time in my life from about age 12 to age 22 where I did not cry. I would not allow myself to “lose control” like that. I held it all in and became super girl, getting straight A’s, being a teaching assistant for the math teacher and the principal, running every organization I was part of, working at our family’s grocery store, befriending the elderly people of our town, taking care of my young siblings, protecting my little brother from my stepfather’s rage, and keeping a smile on my face from sun-up to sundown. I actually believed I was okay. I didn’t know I was a hot mess on the inside. I was so effective in stuffing all the pain deep down inside that I didn’t even know it was there.

But sometimes it would explode out of me. Like when a Young Women’s leader at church would give a lesson about listening to our (future) husbands. Angry words would burst out of me (as I had decided that not only would I never, ever have a husband, but if by some terrible, unfortunate accident I ended up with one, I would never, ever be bossed by him.) about how men are not the boss of us and why should we listen to them! All they do is hurt us! And I would run out of the room and collapse in the bathroom or gym and every once in a while a few minutes of tears would come.

But then, I would calm down and put on my happy face and go home and take care of everything. And believe I was okay.

After we were married, I fell apart. Really fell apart. Richard was so safe and stable, I no longer had to hold it all in. Together we worked really hard on healing…he had the much harder road here because I was nearly impossible to live with. One day I would be loving and warm and safe. The next day (or minute!) I would be a raging lunatic begging for a divorce or stomping out of the house or demanding he leave me alone forever. It was so, so hard. But he loved me. Deeply loved me, scabs and scars and rage and all. And slowly, through his great love and patience with me, the bloody wounds healed and my heart calmed down to a much more even keel.

From the time we were engaged, we have talked about my abuse. We have dealt with it again and again and again. I have let God heal it again and again and again (and He has.) I have seen counselors, Bishops, and others. Up until a few months ago, I would say I was healed. And yet, here is another layer to deal with. Another stage of healing that we get to traverse together. And we are. We are talking and holding and praying and loving and helping this black slime come out of me.

We have decided it is time for me to see a counselor again, it has been about 19 years since my last set of counseling appointments. We are praying these appointments help me sort out the dreams and hasten the healing power of the atonement. I know God can heal me.

I feel a need to be fairly open about my journey on this current path. Since the morning I woke up with the awful, awful dream over a week ago, I have felt the need to write, to share, to bless. I think abuse is often spoken of in whispers or downright prohibited from being spoken of at all. There are a lot of people hurting in this world and my journey may help one of them know they are not alone in being abused or full of rage or feeling crazy, that abuse does not sentence you to a life of misery, that God can and does and will heal your deepest sorrows, and that it is okay to talk about.

So, if you see me, know I am hurting, know I am fragile, know I am doing everything I can to make it through each day with love and trust and hope in my heart. And be gentle.

And I will try to stay in a place of real.

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together on a quiet morn

Sep 22, 2014 by tracy

Early morning scriptures.

Snuggling in bed with my little ones.

Reading about Harriet Tubman’s escape with Fisher.

Doing math with Annesley.

Stillness in my trees after a night of gentle raindrops hitting my roof.

Quiet.

Calm.

Learning.

Routine.

Gentle excitement in their eyes.

Just what I needed today.

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i should’ve bought stock in puffs plus

Sep 21, 2014 by tracy

Yes, it has been a week since I last took the time to write. Goodness gracious, this has been a bat crazy week. I went into it having not slept a wink for days. My bad dreams and the fear of having them has kept me tossing and turning for weeks now and last weekend really did me in in the no sleep department.

I have been having hair woes for a few weeks. My last haircut was back in June and my locks desperately needed some attention. My sister decided she would come to my rescue and come to visit me on Tuesday-Friday. Hallelujah! But also, CRAP. Where to put her? Which of my children’s rooms could possibly work for her and her two little ones who are busy, active toddlers? We have completely moved out of those stages and my children’s rooms are full of their creations, projects, pets, and who knows what else. There isn’t really a good place to put a mama with two little ones in my house.

My sister also brought my mom – WAHOO! But again, where on earth shall I put her to sleep? She recently had knee surgery after slipping on a log on our camping trip. She broke her tibia and tore a dime sized piece of meniscus. I knew she would need to be on the main floor and the only beds there are mine and Blythe’s. Blythe’s wasn’t an option as it is too high off the ground AND it is currently in a state of disaster. So I decided she would have to sleep in my bed with me.

Sunday night my cousin Tami decided to come and visit. I think she was worried about me and my ridiculous lack of sleep and thought she would come show me some love. Which is super lovely. But also, where would I put her? And how would I find any time to see her when my current homeschooling schedule is pretty jam-packed?

All these visitors and challenges of sleeping arrangements were a tad stressful and I had to quickly figure out some solutions. I tried my best, but in the end Mikelle’s accommodations in the sewing room were FAR less than desirable and she didn’t get much sleep while she was here. My mom didn’t go for the idea of sleeping with me and ended up sleeping on the couch. And poor Tami stayed here one night and then left to find better accommodations at Kat’s.

I ended up abandoning my schedule almost completely and spending some much needed time with all of them. I wasn’t as prepared as I normally am for Worldviews and my children didn’t have their normal homeschooling days, but we got lots of haircuts done, ate delicious food, and had some good chats.

And then I got sick. Sicker than I have been in a long, long time. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I have been sick since the gnomes visited my intestinal tract back in 2011. This sick started with allergy like symptoms and I thought that was what it was. But when I laid down Wednesday night, my lymph glands swelled to enormous sizes, my ears and head started throbbing, and my lungs filled up with fluid. I have now been in bed coughing for four days straight and SO ready to move on. The mucous coming out of me makes me gag and my nose is full of ugly, painful fever blisters that make me look like I have a pig’s snout.

Yes, this is a picture of me in my current state of pig snoutishness. It is awful and I am more than a bit mortified to share it with you.

I currently have a small mountain of tissues (Puffs Plus, of course. They are the ONLY tissues worth anything.) on my bed and a throw up bowl nearby to spit out the mucous that keeps shooting up from my lungs. Gross, I know.

Oh my. What I wouldn’t give to wave a magic wand and make this all go away.

Thursday was my little boy’s tenth birthday. I was not even functioning that day. I am so grateful Mikelle and my mom were here to take him to the lake and give him some lovin’ because I was out of completely out of commission. Trying to raise my head felt like heaving bowling ball in the air with fishing line and just the simple act of breathing became a task laden with serious effort. I am so, so sad to have not been able to celebrate with him and make it a special day. When I am feeling better, the two of us need to go on a belated birthday date.

I think the lack of sleep, the deep emotional pain I am in right now with these dreams, and the sadness I have been feeling over the car accident ten years ago, all contributed to my body’s takeover by bacteria. This is some nasty stuff and I hope Mikelle, her kiddos, my mom, and Tami don’t get it.

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who knew the hammock was the answer?

Sep 14, 2014 by tracy

Late in the afternoon, I looked at my trees and I looked at my yard and I looked at my Annesley who was busy entertaining herself by trying on every fancy dress-up in the house and twirling around, and I said “Do you want to meet me in the hammock for some snuggle time?”

Her eyes lit up and she stripped out of her layers of taffeta and rushed outside to the hammock. I grabbed Blueberries For Sal and went out for my very first hammock swing in our yard.

We snuggled for awhile, then Rosie-Tigris, Annes’ kitten, joined us for more snuggles. We read all about Little Sal and Little Bear getting lost on Blueberry Hill while their mothers were picking blueberries. I talked to her about Aidan and his soon-to-be-occurring death. She asked me all about the car accident and if I was in an accident when she was in my uterus. We snuggled and laughed and kissed and connected. Connection was exactly what we both needed. After a long while, I asked her to go get some hummus and pitas for a hammock picnic.

Yesterday was a hard day. I spent much of it crying and not accomplishing much from my very long to-do list. But the magic of a hammock turned it around. Rubbing my little one’s back while her cheek rested on my shoulder filled my aching heart up with just the right amount of love.

And filled her up too.

Connection, it makes all the difference.

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ten years later

Sep 13, 2014 by tracy

Ten years ago today I took Blythe and Keziah to their Kindermusik class. It was a lovely September afternoon, just like this one. My very round, 40 week pregnant belly was barely able to fit behind the wheel of our 1989 Suburban, a metal tank we loved dearly.

On the way home, an 80 year old man ran a stop sign and T-boned into me going about 50 mph. The hood of his car was smashed into the backseat of his little Honda Civic. My suburban was dented, but still drivable. It’s size and strength totally made the difference that day. Our girls were fine. The car hit right into me and I didn’t fare so well.

My already extremely loose pelvis was injured. We didn’t know what was wrong yet, but we knew I was in horrific pain. I couldn’t walk.

An OB visit revealed that the uterine ligaments were torn, my pelvis was a hot mess of shifted bones, and my baby was in good condition.

A few days later I gave birth to Fisher. I cannot describe the pain of that week. It is beyond words.

The pain of the next two years took my breath away and broke me down to tears over and over again. Slowly but surely, through chiropractic care, lots of patience, supplements, and exercise, I was able to get my life back. Eventually I could vacuum, sweep, walk up and down stairs, and ride my recumbent. Thinking I was doing pretty well, I closed the claim with the man’s insurance company and moved on with life.

But my pelvis never recovered. It has never been the same. Scar tissue. Pain. Dislocations. All of it became a normal part of life for me. But I could still function well. Do back handsprings. Ride my bike. Swim. Run. Jump on the trampoline. Play volleyball. Richard got really good at putting my hips back into place and it seemed like the pesky little things were totally livable.

But the damage to my pelvis came back to haunt me when my labrum tore in February 2012. As the months wore on and more and more injuries occurred and we started dealing with the adhesions from the car accident, I could feel my anger from the accident growing. “Why did that man run that stop sign?” “Why did he lie about it?” “Doesn’t he have any idea how he has changed my life forever?” “Why, oh why, did I close the case? I should have settled for piles of pennies to pay for all these medical bills that I should have known were coming!”

God has blessed me with a lot of emotional and spiritual healing during this whole journey. The anger is gone…at least mostly, there are days it still flares up, but my heart has stopped asking “why” and has accepted what is.

But today on this 10th anniversary of the car accident, I am filled with tears. I can’t stop crying. Parts of me are so, so grateful for the past ten years of learning, of pain, of blessings and parts of me are simply devastated for the path my life has taken. Devastated that my little children can’t even remember a mother who was capable of running with them in the yard or going on a bike ride with them. Devastated that so much of the past ten years has been spent taking care of me. Devastated that “I” cost so much to take care of. Devastated that that beautiful, beautiful sunshiny September day ended in an accident that has had such far-reaching consequences.

So, today I reached out to my friend Rachel whose son Aidan is dying. His spirit will leave this life today or tomorrow. I took her some food and went and held her in my arms as we both cried. I held Aidan’s hand for the last time and did my best to surround her with my love and the love of her Father.

I stopped at some little ones’ lemonade stand and gave them my nickels for a tinsy cup of lemonade and a bucketful of joy.

I stared out the window at the blue, blue sky and marveled at the gift of peace my trees give to me.

And I cried.

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dreams

Sep 13, 2014 by tracy

Dreams are a strange thing. I don’t know how they are for other people, but for me they are vivid, soul-gripping events. I often have a hard time separating out what is real and what is not real when I wake up because my dreams feel completely real. Coming back to reality feels pretty jarring.

Throughout my years of adulthood I have had lots of what I call “bad dreams” where sad, bad, hard things happen. Things like murder, car chases, falling off cliffs, evil men breaking into my home in the middle of the night to rape our daughters, living with old boyfriends and having an unhappy marriage full of adultery, abuse, and poverty. In the early days of our marriage, I had dreams of Richard having affairs and in the morning I would wake up unable to sort out if it had really happened or not. He would hold me (if my fury at his alleged affair dissipated enough to allow him to hold me) and listen to the sordid tale and let me work it out in my mind till I came to the truth of the matter. Sometimes these dreams showed me what my life could have been like had I made different choices.

None of this happens every night, but it certainly happens often enough that it doesn’t surprise us. I roll over and say “I had a bad dream” and Richard wraps his arms around me and waits for me to share it. He listens and helps me process all the powerful emotions that pour out of me in the early morning hours.

Does everyone do this? Is this normal? I have no idea. I only know my dreams are intense, full-on-experiences in the movie theater of my mind.

Well, for the last few weeks, the dream experiences have become even worse. I’m not sure if the intensity is worse or the frequency or what, but I am starting to dread going to sleep. All of these dreams are revolving around one theme – rape, abuse, molestation. Of me.

And it hurts.

More than I can begin to describe.

I wake up in the morning feeling violated.

Angry.

More than angry, full on rage.

And at the same time, shriveled.

I was molested as a child by several different people. And though I cannot stand to have my hair stroked because one abuser did that to me, I think I have dealt with it pretty well.

And yet, these dreams aren’t going away. None of the dreams are like my own experiences in terms of setting, participants, or events, but the feeling of violation is identical, but also somehow, more pronounced.

Last night’s dreams was a doozy. I find myself wanting to wrap up in warm blankets and hide from the world as I let my body and spirit process these feelings of being trapped, completely misunderstood, and thoroughly violated by not only the man who was touching me, but also the police who investigated afterwards.

I can see the effects of these dreams on my face. The wrinkles are more pronounced, the bags under my eyes bigger. Tears spring to my eyes much more easily than they ever have before. I find myself crying as I look at a flower, a small child, an act of kindness. The beautiful moments of life are becoming much more precious to me.

This is hard. Really hard. I know these experiences aren’t real, but the feelings are and after each dream they need processed and released. I don’t know why they are coming. Are they a gift to help me heal from my own experiences or are they torturing me and serving no helpful purpose? I don’t know.

I only know I hurt and I cry and I am tired.

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success

Sep 11, 2014 by tracy

We are settling into our new routines and it doesn’t seem quite as painful to get up at 6:00 in the morning as it did two weeks ago. Learning time has been going really well this week and my “life is terrible” child has made some attitude adjustments. Now I just need to figure out how to get all my study time in for my Worldviews class, find some time for long soaking sessions in the tub, get a haircut, find some time to get ready each day (I certainly don’t want to get up any earlier just to get ready!) and we will be set. I also made two yummy meals this week, brown butter spaghetti and Kat’s Lentil Tacos. Super duper amazing for me.

This new routine is not a minor adjustment, it is a monumental shift in the operations of our home. It is going to take some time for all of us to be really good at getting up and being cheerful, but we are doing it and I want to shout from the rooftops how proud I am of us. Especially my Keziah. She has had huge adjustments in the past few weeks. She walks out the door for seminary at 6:25 which means she has to get up (all on her own, cause I am sure not waking up to wake her up!) at 5:30. By the time scripture reading happens at 6:00, she is dressed cute as a button, has her hair done, and is participating in scripture reading better than she has for the past several years. On top of all of that, she has pretty massive amounts of schoolwork, violin practice, and either cross-country practice or a meet every day. She spent the entire summer babysitting for a family in our town and now moved right into a busy fall schedule with even more being expected of her. I couldn’t be more proud of how well she has stepped up to the plate – she is being kinder, more cheerful, and getting her long list of to-dos done every day. Her sassiness is becoming a bit less caustic and a bit more humorous. Hallelujah! Her love language is gifts so I am going to start looking for some small presents to surprise her with on those days she knocks our socks off with awesomeness.

So give us some high fives when you see us, we are actually making progress.

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a workout buddy has joined my team

Sep 10, 2014 by tracy

My friend Sheri came over and exercised with me this morning – we did it! We made it through 20 minutes of balance, strengthening, and Elliptigo work. Boy howdy, is it hard. I am so proud of us!

It is also a tad hilarious how challenging these simple exercises are. I find myself bursting out with laughter at how ridiculously weak my body is, especially my hip and pelvic muscles. Anytime my hip is solely responsible for holding me upright, I fall over. My feet are really good at wearing superhero capes and holding me upright, but when we take them out of the picture, my hip cannot keep me balanced.

So, we are embarking on a journey. A journey of mind, will, and muscles. There is not a quick fix, no pill I can take to grow these muscles. It is going to be a slow and steady journey into the land of strength. Having a workout partner is motivating and shockingly enough, it was even fun to do it at 6:30 in the morning (three weeks ago I would have NEVER said anything at 6:30 could be fun!) We can do this!

Confession: During our post-workout drink time, I nearly killed Sheri with my parsley & pineapple smoothie. It is my sweetest one and I thought she would love it like I do, but no, she said it tasted like weeds. I hope she comes back tomorrow and I will try to make her something more palatable.

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exercising, here i come!

Sep 9, 2014 by tracy

Yippee! Hallelujah! Hurrah! Wahoo! Huzzah! Whatever your favorite shout of exclamation, it is time to shout it now. Yesterday afternoon at therapy, I made it out to the gym! Yes! For the first time in months my body was ready to actually build muscles. I have been out of all splints, tapes, braces, boots, etc. for 9 days and joints are staying in place. Jeremy taught me all sorts of new exercises and hilariously enough, every time my body was dependent on just my right hip I lose my balance, fall off the ball, fall off the balance board, etc. It is so stinkin’ weak!

So, it is time for dedication my friends. This is the time I have been waiting for, praying for, pleading for, and it is now time to get to work to build some muscles. I am rededicating myself to the pelvic cones, drinking lots of water, taking all my supplements, doing my MELT work, and doing my new exercises for 20 minutes every day. This is going to be hard for me. Daily habits have never been easy for me, I am more in the camp of 18 hours of hard work then ignore it for five days. But that is not the approach my body needs – it needs a little bit of muscle building every single day.

Today is day one (another day one) on the Elliptigo, the ball, the balance pad, and with the cones. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

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another monday has come and i am so not ready for it

Sep 8, 2014 by tracy

Is it Monday already? Wowsers, last week kicked my hiney and I need another day of sleep before I am ready for Monday.

But here it is. And I am going to put on my can-do attitude and tackle it.

Here are some little updates…

iFAMILY went really, really well. I loved teaching both my classes AND my body held up well all day. At one point a fellow mother told me I was exuding health. HEALTH! Wowsers, I haven’t heard that in a long, long time.

Gym went really, really well. I was careful and pretty smart and didn’t get hurt. There are lots of adorable kiddos coming to spend Fridays with me and we are going to have a blast. But it did me in…I came home and slept the sleep of the dead until about midnight.

Homeschooling isn’t going so hot right now. I have a child who is balking at pretty much everything and I mean everything, not just schooling, and my patience is worn thin. This little person has been in an “everything is awful” stage for several months and I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. Yesterday Richard addressed this attitude issue with said child and I am hoping for improvement today. It is going to take some time to turn this around…and lots and lots of loving guidance from me.

Meals are improving. I actually cooked a delicious dinner one day last week. And I plan on cooking at least one delicious dinner this week, Tuesday is my goal. It might not sound like much, but it is a huge percentage increase in my cooking output.

Morning scripture study is working (at 6:00 a.m.!!!) at least in the sense that we are doing it and everyone is at least semi-conscious. The two little ones aren’t as conscious as I would like and they go back to sleep afterwards, but it is coming along. Our morning prayers together are the favorite part of my day. Everyone is more subdued and it feels like we are wrapped up in a blanket of peace before the big girls and Richard head out the door.

My body had a really hard time yesterday. I had early morning church meetings and a long day of church after that and I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t drink water and I didn’t eat enough and I didn’t get enough rest and I stood in the hallway for too long (my body does not like me to stand still, it drops my blood pressure and sends my heart into tachycardia). So I passed out. Again. In the middle of Relief Society and Richard had to come get me and haul my limp body out in a wheelchair. I hate it. I hate it ever so much. I don’t want to be unconscious. I don’t want to be a spectacle. I don’t want to cause fear or panic for other people when they see my body shaking and my face lose all its color. I don’t want to worry my children. I just want my body to be able to handle normal everyday activities like grocery shopping and attending church. I really want to be able to go hiking and ride my bike, but I am not asking it to do those things…just simple things like standing up for more than five minutes at a time and lifting groceries into my car.

Creating a new normal based on my body’s limited abilities to do what I want to do and my children’s needs at this time is the goal for this year and I am doing everything I can to stay focused on that and not get derailed by pictures in my head of what it could be like if I was the mom I used to be. We are still working on finding music teachers for this year, getting our schedules and routines a bit more solid, working out car sharing with Blythe, finishing the book decluttering/school room rearrangement project, and getting my study hours to be as productive as I need them to be, but we are making progress. We are only one week into this new routine and if I think about it with kindness in my heart, we have made a lot of progress. If I let my I-want-everything-to-be-perfect-right-now mind take over, I would slide into misery, but that mind was kicked to the curb a long time ago and I am not going to let it come back in and dampen our momentum.

It’s almost time to start our learning time, so I better run and get my morning protein smoothie into me so I don’t pass out like I did yesterday at church. Dysautonomia really stinks.

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yes we can, yes we can, yes we can

Sep 4, 2014 by tracy

I love homeschooling. Absolutely love it. Believe in it. Preach it. Teach it. Live it.

But I don’t want to present only one side of the picture lest someone think homeschooling is all roses smelling of super cheerful children dying to learn every minute of the day. I have to be honest. And today that honesty is tiredness. Today has about done me in. We are almost done with our second week of early morning scripture study and day 3 of 6:15 scripture study. Man, it is early. Then today I added in the whole shebang, morning devotional, poem of the week, math, reading, history, phonics, Bible stories, puzzles, and don’t forget, the whole being in the same room with my children for hours at a time. Today it was just a bit much. I am ready for a nap and some ice cream and no noise of any kind for the next 12 hours. Of course, it doesn’t help that it is also the first day of my period and my back is aching something fierce.

The truth is the last two weeks have been very sleep deprived. Between late night outings, middle of the night Jessica rescues, two trips to Utah with middle of the night returns, many day long cleaning projects, and not being able to sleep well because of sore joints and muscles, I am tired. I need another month of rest before I dive into 15 hour days of teaching, loving, cooking, mentoring, cleaning, driving, and listening. I haven’t really been in full-time homeschooling mama mode for awhile due to my injuries and it is going to take some time for me to build up my homeschooling mama stamina again…like a Couch to 5K program, teehee. We have been easing into it with more reading and math time the past few weeks, adding in a little bit each day, but it still felt like a big jump in what was needed of me today.

Today is Keziah’s first cross-country meet of the year and it is an hour away. I decided around noon I just didn’t have it in me to drive clear out there, sit and watch for several hours, and drive back home. My cramps were too strong and my fatigue was too great. She said she didn’t mind in the slightest so I drove her to the bus, gave her a squeeze, and told her to run her heart out. It hurts my heart, but there is only so much energy I can muster in any 24 hour period and mine is already used up for today.

Tomorrow is another long day. It is the first day of my homeschool gymnastics classes and yes, I know I am crazy for even attempting it, and yes, my nearest and dearest (outside of Richard) have tried, endlessly mind you, to talk me out of it. I love teaching gym. It is part of who I am and I am not willing to say goodbye to that part of me. When I even think about it, the tears start pouring out of me. I figure if we have made it through gym the last 2 1/2 years with a very broken me, we can make it through this year with a much less broken me. I mean, let’s shout hallelujah, I have been brace, splint, walking boot, casting tape FREE since Sunday and I am still holding together and walking well. This is fabulous! It is time to build some muscles. Quite frankly, the thought excites and exhausts me all at the same time. Outside of the injuries, pain, expenses, and sheer frustration of a connective tissue disorder, the never-ending day-to-day burden is the tiredness. My body simply can’t do what it used to be able to do. At the end of each day it really feels like I have run a marathon – my muscles are exhausted from holding my joints in place, my nervous system is exhausted from sending thousands of messages about bones and ligaments and muscles being wonky, and it honestly feels like my brain is worn out by about noon of each day. Add in a few tachycardia events and my body is done.

So, let’s just say this first day of dedicated learning time was good, really good. And hard. And exhausting.

Hmmm, Annes is ready for me to read her some Mother Goose for her Humpty Dumpty’s Corner class at iFAMILY, so I better muster some strength and go snuggle up with her while we recite “Jack Be Nimble” a few more times. We can do this. We can do this. We can do this.

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potw: baby chick

Sep 4, 2014 by tracy

As we move into the swing of things for our fall learning routine, I decided to start doing our Poem of the Week again with my little ones. I love the challenge of memory work and poems are such lovely ways to learn that I want to fill my children’s souls with hundreds of them. Some of them are silly, some of them are tender, some of them are full of character building thoughts. One of my children isn’t too keen on the idea of poetry, so we are going to be doing some animal ones for a bit to reel him back in to this fun tradition.

Baby Chick

by Aileen Fisher

Peck
peck
peck
on the warm brown egg.
OUT comes a neck.
OUT comes a leg.

How
does
a chick
who’s not been about,
discover the trick
of how to get out?

Pretty cute, eh? We found it in Eric Carle’s Animals, Animals, one of our favorite animal books.

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