and now there are nine

Oct 8, 2009

Nine babies have come into our lives and left before we could hold them in our arms. Of course, that doesn’t mean we didn’t hold them in our hearts. I can tell you from experience that it takes approximately one second to go from not knowing you are pregnant, to knowing you are pregnant, to falling in love with your child and seeing the rest of your life holding, nursing, singing, carrying, pushing on the swing, teaching them how to ride a bike, going on walks, and reading books together.

It happens that fast.

We have been through this now nine times. Nine heartbreaking losses.

When I started spotting Monday night, I hoped it was something else. I had no cramping and I was still nauseous, so I went to bed hoping I was imagining those little brown streaks on the toilet paper. Tuesday morning, there were more brown streaks. Enough now that I really couldn’t convince myself that they didn’t exist. I went out and ran some errands around Salt Lake and then the cramping began. Not menstrual level cramping, but strong, “I need someone to hold me” cramping. The blood was flowing out of me and I had nothing to contain it. I went into Wal-mart and bought some pads and then stayed in the bathroom and cried for a long time. I called Richard and sobbed. I am sure the people at the store thought I was bonkers.

That night I attended the graduation ceremonies of the Midwives’ College of Utah. It was a wonderful experience and it was wonderful to be surrounded by midwives and those studying to be midwives. Great energy was flowing. I held it together and had a smile on my face, but inside I was dying. I went to bed that night hoping for some much needed rest, but ended up staying up all night with cramps on par with early labor. I wanted to be wrapped up in my husband’s arms. I wanted to sob into his chest and hear his words of love. I needed his hands to push on my back. But I was alone with Annesley and she needed me to hold her.


I really don’t like that word.

It is a loss. A loss of a baby. A loss of a dream. A loss of a family member.

My emotions are raw as I type this, but I had to get it out there this morning. This blog of mine has become my place to chronicle my life, the good and the bad, and I don’t want to forget the events of this week. I wish I had written about my other eight babies and the feelings surrounding their conceptions and passings.

Today I am a mother with four living children. I am going to snuggle up with my children who are here and give them all the love I can. They need me and I need them.

Goodbye little one.

I love you.

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  1. jessica

    Pretend I know the perfect thing to say. I’m crying with you and for you.
    What a terrible time to experience something that is awful all on its own. I’m glad you’re home safe. xoxo

  2. Jennifer

    There are many many women who are crying with you. I hope you feel the love of all those who have been touched by your spirit. We are all there for you, loving and supporting you.

  3. Marie

    Tracy, my heart is hurting for you. I did not know you were expecting. I am so, so sorry…I don’t know how a heart could go through this nine times and not break. I thought mine would on just my one. Please know that I am mourning with you and love you.

  4. Hugs, and then more hugs . . . I’m sorry, I wish I could make it all better. Just know that I care. Blogging is therapeutic, who knew? Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

  5. tracy

    Thank you for your kind words. They have given me strength today. I spent some more time crying and probably will for the next few weeks. Thank you for your prayers and for taking the time to let me know you care. It means the world to me.

  6. tracy

    Robyn, I went to your website today and read and read and cried and cried. Thank you for sharing it with me. I want to plant a tree for each of my babies – that is a wonderful idea! I will come look at Kyle’s tree the next time I am down your way.

  7. Oh, Tracy! I didn’t even know you were expecting. I don’t know how your heart makes it through nine… I barely made it through losing three. Your words made me cry… my heart is aching for you. Love you!

    • tracy

      I haven’t always made it through…there have been lots of times that I was angry, out of faith, and ready to give up completely. Somehow, the Lord always found a way to help me soften my heart and be open to the possibility of trying again. If He hadn’t succeeded we wouldn’t have Fisher and Annesley, so I am grateful He kept trying to teach me to trust Him.

      I am sorry you lost three – it is so heartbreaking, isn’t it?

      Love you!

  8. Becky

    I’m so sorry.

  9. Robin

    I have thought about you a lot the past few weeks. You are such a great example to me. You are so strong and you give your heart and soul into your family and life. I am grateful for your example of self guided study and your passion for learning. You open yourself up to whatever the Lord tells you to do- even if you don’t know the outcome. He loves you for your simple faith and your willingness to follow His direction. Those little spirits are in awe of you. They are grateful for your obedience and they know you love them. They see you, they support you, they applaud you, they love you. Everyone loves you. Rest and do whatever makes you happy.

  10. Anne

    Dear Tracy, Richard, Blythe, Kez, Fisher, and Annes: I’m so sorry for your mom and each of you for losing another baby. I know there is wisdom somewhere, but it is hard to see it in this. People who are good parents and good families should raise all the little babies in the world. It seems like the ones who could care less, abuse drugs and alcohol and have no faith are the ones who never have a problem conceiving or with miscarriages. Someday we will all understand and I bet we will rejoice in His wiseness and soundness. Blessings ’til then!

  11. tracy

    I am sending a big THANK YOU to each of you who have responded. It is nice to know this baby is “known” and honored by each of you. This has been a hard week, but being hugged and loved by wonderful sisters like each of you has helped immensely.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  12. ohhhhh, Tracy! I am so sorry! All I can do is offer the hugest hug I know how to give. You are in my thoughts! All my love, Anne

  13. Well I’ve finally gotten around to visiting my friends online. I truly was sorry the other day when you told me but I could tell you didn’t want to go into it. I hope the Spirit gives you great comfort and that your burdens are lighter while you process the hurt. Love you.


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